Movin' back to the Mainland?

[audreyh1]

Nords I found your post (long as it was) fascinating! I've enjoyed the stories about your and your wife's relationship with your in-laws.

My sister and BIL live in Fiji, and now, 2 years in a row, my Dad has gone to visit them for a month. He unexpectedly enjoyed the first visit so much he returned the second year, and I told him there was really no reason he couldn't visit annually and even spend longer as long as his health was up to it. Our family spend 9 years in Fiji when we were children and even though it's been a very long time he still has friends and connections there. This coup thing though - who knows what kind of wrench that throws into everything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nords Maybe they've decided that there's more to life than grandchildren because I never understood that reason for moving here in the first place.

Personally, I don't "get" the need to live close to kids or grandkids. Maybe it's because I don't have either! We have parents, though, and both have done their own thing without regard to where their children lived - especially my Dad. I notice a lot of RVers - especially folks contemplating going fulltime - agonizing over being away from grandkids.

I kind of wonder how much the need to be near grandkids more "politically correctness" than reality - I just remember watching one video about RVing in Alaska with the female half of the traveling pair gushing over what a sacrifice it would be to spend two whole months "away from the grandkids". Huh?!?!?!? Was that just for the benefit of other RVing grandmas?

Audrey

[lazygood4nothinbum]

how funny that you really did go for that free fidelity food.

having just finished 12 years of caring for mom, a parent's health issues quickly comes to my mind. i was lucky to have my brother also in the area to share this burden, which made life much easier for all concerned.

i totally understand your in-laws' feeling of isolation on the island. i even feel that way in south florida where i can drive to other places, but it takes me most of an entire day just to get out of this one state. i might as well be on an island. hmmm, there's a thought.

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

Quote:

Originally Posted by audreyh1 I kind of wonder how much the need to be near grandkids more "politically correctness" than reality - I just remember watching one video about RVing in Alaska with the female half of the traveling pair gushing over what a sacrifice it would be to spend two whole months "away from the grandkids". Huh?!?!?!? Was that just for the benefit of other RVing grandmas?

Hmm.. I don't think that take is very accurate, at least for me and the DW and all our friends. The desire to be around your grandkids, especially in their young years, is very strong and emotional. I can't even conceive of how political correctness would factor in for us.

Now actually living in the same area is a highly variable issue, and I don't know how well that would work out over the long term, and when the gkids get older they probably could care less about the grandparents (or their parents, for that matter). But in those first 10 years, it really can be special.

I always cringe when I hear people say, "if you haven't experienced it you couldn't understand" but maybe this is a situation were that applies a little bit, not with any value judgment implied, just that it's hard to put into words.

[Brat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nords I have the impression that there's much more support & infrastucture for the elderly in the DC area. Hawaii, despite having one of the nation's fastest-growing elderly populations, does not have the same per capita capabilities. I think most of the elderly needing care are getting it in their ohana homes with all their dutiful adult children. Yikes. I think I much prefer the "moving to the Mainland" discussion instead of the "Where would Grandma live?" discussion...

Just what I was thinking, actually. Maybe you should gift them "Where will we live when we retire?" Find out if any of their friends have moved to a continuing care community. This would be the perfect time to do that.

[audreyh1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rich_in_Tampa Hmm.. I don't think that take is very accurate, at least for me and the DW and all our friends. The desire to be around your grandkids, especially in their young years, is very strong and emotional. I can't even conceive of how political correctness would factor in for us.

Well, I guess that goes to show how hard it is for someone not in that situation to understand. I guess it amazed me that someone who DID live in the same town as their grandkids and ostensibly seeing them very often would still express angst at being gone for a two month RV trip to Alaska.

I'm NOT questioning the need to be around grandchildren. What makes me wonder is expressing the need to be around them ALL THE TIME. The RVer's contemplating going fulltime, for example, nothing prevents them from spending several months each year visiting grandchildren, it's just that they won't be living in the same town as grandchildren all the time.

Audrey

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rich_in_Tampa Hmm.. I don't think that take is very accurate, at least for me and the DW and all our friends. The desire to be around your grandkids, especially in their young years, is very strong and emotional. I can't even conceive of how political correctness would factor in for us. Now actually living in the same area is a highly variable issue, and I don't know how well that would work out over the long term, and when the gkids get older they probably could care less about the grandparents (or their parents, for that matter). But in those first 10 years, it really can be special. I always cringe when I hear people say, "if you haven't experienced it you couldn't understand" but maybe this is a situation were that applies a little bit, not with any value judgment implied, just that it's hard to put into words.

What Doc said...

Nothing politically correct/incorrect about the desire to spend time with your young grandchildren. I'm thinking it's most likely genetic. But whatever it is, it's good (up to a point...)

[audreyh1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo! Nothing politically correct/incorrect about the desire to spend time with your young grandchildren. I'm thinking it's most likely genetic. But whatever it is, it's good (up to a point...)

See my post above yours.

Audrey

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

Quote:

Originally Posted by audreyh1 I'm NOT questioning the need to be around grandchildren. What makes me wonder is expressing the need to be around them ALL THE TIME.

Yup, roger that. Get away on a nice RV trip and spend your time whining that you're not home with the grandkids who live in the same town? Can't relate, but then again it takes all types, I guess.

[AlmostDone]

They should consider Baltimore! Beautiful new houses with elevators being built by the harbor and Route 95 is right out the back door. Airport only 20 minutes away. Not cheap though.

[5j404]

The grandparent issue hits home here.Please remember you need to spend some time every year even when your busy living up your retirement if you want a relationship. My fil is has been staying for the xmas vacation for the second year in a row, but dosen't understand why the kids(late teens and college) aren't spending all their time with him. Kids wonder where he was the last 20-16 years. (although always invited never spent more then a night in the area- we were hotel stop on snowbird trip each year. The kids knew they loved them but didn't want them to interfer with their retirement., but now that mil has died he's lonley But If you don't put time in a regular basis don't expect to suddenly be part of someones life. My kids have informed me that we will be around for some of the school plays, soccergames or at least be in touch throughl etters cards email etc so that we are a part of their life so when we get old and crotchity the can tease us rather than just have the polite respect you give to the elderly. Nords your inlaws have put in time and now if they move back to MD you daughter will still have a relationship with them. Specially if she ends up at the navy accadamy .

[macdaddy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nords Money is not an issue. Their Annapolis home doubled in value from 1983-2001 so they sold at a huge profit which has been invested in CDs & Treasuries. They've rented for the last five years but I guess they'll buy a smaller home (less maintenance) or move to a less-crowded part of Maryland. I think they'll probably settle close to their son but they're also open to whatever they find.

Here is a thought for you Nords. Since 2001 real estate prices in MD are up 50% or more, even west or south of Annapolis in more rural parts, and over on the eastern shore. There is a huge amount of speculation centered around government jobs and defense contracting. Even if money is not an issue, your in-laws may be in for some "sticker shock" and you may want to warn them about this, if they're not already familiar with it. Then again it sounds like you're getting used to the idea of having Hawaii to yourself so maybe you shouldn't mention it at all...

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by macdaddy Here is a thought for you Nords. Since 2001 real estate prices in MD are up 50% or more, even west or south of Annapolis in more rural parts, and over on the eastern shore. There is a huge amount of speculation centered around government jobs and defense contracting. Even if money is not an issue, your in-laws may be in for some "sticker shock" and you may want to warn them about this, if they're not already familiar with it. Then again it sounds like you're getting used to the idea of having Hawaii to yourself so maybe you shouldn't mention it at all...

Yeah, it's hard to have an objective discussion when your spouse keeps kicking you under the table.

BIL lives in Crofton so everyone's aware of the market. They'd either downsize, bottom-fish (least desirable option), or move to a lower-cost suburb of Annapolis (like South Carolina!).

[Brat]

Just because they moved back to their old stomping grounds won't mean that you/wife won't be needed to help them as life progresses. If one of them becomes ill it can be overwhelming for the healthy spouse. Without knowing their age it is difficult to comment, but sometime around their 70s thought should be given to potential care issues.

If they are in their 50s-60s it is a too early to look at continuing care communities. Once they are in their late 60s getting on a wait list (the good ones have wait lists that are easily 5 years long) is not too soon.

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brat Just because they moved back to their old stomping grounds won't mean that you/wife won't be needed to help them as life progresses. If one of them becomes ill it can be overwhelming for the healthy spouse. Without knowing their age it is difficult to comment, but sometime around their 70s thought should be given to potential care issues. If they are in their 50s-60s it is a too early to look at continuing care communities. Once they are in their late 60s getting on a wait list (the good ones have wait lists that are easily 5 years long) is not too soon.

We've devoted a lot of thought to that, but I'm not sure that too much thought has come from their side of the question. He's nearly 73 and she just turned 69. They have the typical medical & healthcare directives but, because I've never heard any griping about it, I don't think that they carry LTC insurance.

All four of their parents, self-described as hardy Russian peasant stock, lived well into their 90s. They lied about their ages and forged so many birth certificates that the real numbers are probably triple digits. All were mentally sharp even though they may have eventually become functionally deaf, blind, and not too mobile. That phase of their lives didn't last more than a year.

We want to donate our fair share of time, presence, and/or money. No issue there. My BIL and his wife are already coping with some issues around her parents, who also live near them, and she's an only child.

Here in Hawaii, we got together today for a couple hours. In the typical family disfunctional tradition, we sat around talking about everything else but the elephant parked in the middle of the room. Early signs are that FIL jumped the gun and that MIL is not completely on board with his initiative. However he's raised a number of issues that are very important to him, he feels that "the sands of time are running out", and he wouldn't have been allowed to make that first phone call if MIL didn't feel at least a portion of what he's expressed. This may not be happening tomorrow but it will happen and it will be fraught with tension.

Maybe we totally surprised everyone with our "Sure, whatever you guys want to do is fine with us, we support whatever decision you make" response. That sort of parental judo is very effective with teenagers, although I've never used it on parents before. But verifying their feelings would require us to actually have a discussion about it instead of re-enacting a Korean soap opera of interpreting body language, small gestures, and things left unsaid.

I guess I should have realized that a dramatic exit of this nature wouldn't have been made without plenty of drama.

[Brat]

I know of the lack of CC places in HI, my Mom explored that when they were snow-birds.

On the 'support you with whatever you decide' you could suggest that they rent an apartment for a year or so. Neighborhoods change, friends move. They remember it like it used to be (don't we all). Renting will cushion the adjustment process and help them decide where they want to settle long term.

[audreyh1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nords Maybe we totally surprised everyone with our "Sure, whatever you guys want to do is fine with us, we support whatever decision you make" response. That sort of parental judo is very effective with teenagers, although I've never used it on parents before. But verifying their feelings would require us to actually have a discussion about it instead of re-enacting a Korean soap opera of interpreting body language, small gestures, and things left unsaid. I guess I should have realized that a dramatic exit of this nature wouldn't have been made without plenty of drama.

Ugh! My condolences.

Audrey

[Nords]

Well that was fast.

Short story: they bought a condo, they're closing next month, and they'll be flying out by March.

Long story for you elder-psychology fans: Last month my MIL told my spouse "Your father is overreacting and getting ahead of himself. We're talking about it but we're not moving anytime soon. We're visiting Annapolis in March and then we'll make a decision." So we put away our checklists and sat back. Then last week, when I had my head under the sink fixing their dishwasher, my MIL said something about moving. I pulled my head out of the noise and asked "Did you say moving?" She replied, "Yes, we're moving soon, remember?" She said that they'd hired a realtor to look for a place in March. They swore they wouldn't be pushed around by the realtor until they were ready to visit houses.

Last week, on their own initiative and without talking to their realtor, they got on the Internet (56 Kbps!) and actually searched the MLS. I have no idea what inspired them to do that but it's a huge leap for people who barely do e-mail. They found an over-55 community near Annapolis with 600+ condos in three-story buildings (with elevators) and all the amenities. It has a parking garage, they can walk to shopping and the bus stop, and there are organized trips, tours, & other group activities. The listing is a three-year-old second-floor 1700 sq ft 2BR 2BA condo with a den and a balcony overlooking the shopping center a block away. It even has a walk-in shower with a bench seat. The 94-year-old owner died a year ago and the heir (in Florida) was selling after trying to rent it with Mom's furniture.

My PILs sent their son (a CPA) to see the place on Saturday. It's pristine and doesn't even need dusting, let alone painting. He returned Monday with their realtor (and a POA) to make an offer. By yesterday the $350K listing was knocked down to $325K and they signed a contract. The place will be cleared out & closed by the end of February. (MIL quote: "I don't want an old dead woman's furniture!!" Good to know, Mom.) We got the news last night. They're practically panting with eagerness to get out of here and start the next phase of their lives.

Coincidentally, unknown to my PILs at the time, my SIL's parents also live in that community. So now my BIL and his wife have both sets of parents in the same place for weekends & holiday visiting-- sort of like dueling "Everybody Loves Raymond". My BIL is not happy, but at least Hanukah & Christmas fall on different days and there are no kids there to play tug-of-war over.

So next week we're "interviewing" moving companies, and my wife just realized that her parents will be moving in with us for a month...

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

Wow! Something is energizing them big time.

Hope the DW is OK with them leaving - you may have quite a transition on your hands at your end when they leave. Of course, if they move in with you for a few months before D-day, change "transition" to "celebration."

Hope it works out all around.

[audreyh1]

Wow! That WAS fast!

Audrey

[Brat]

Their choosing a 55+ community was good for YOU. At least they will have resources frequently needed by that age group near at hand.