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Old 11-05-2012, 04:42 PM   #21
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For Crying Out Loud!! Mulligan, haven't you figured out that you are supposed to read her mind to get this information?
++++!

When women start being outfront we must be nearing some sort of singularity.

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Old 11-05-2012, 04:48 PM   #22
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I dig what Ha is saying. I grew up within driving distance of several high-end malls in Florida that catered to wealthy folks - a wonder they even let a kid like me in there They were showcases of conspicuous consumption. The buildings themselves were designed to appeal to the eye, and the stores sold gorgeous things to look at (if not buy). It was great fun just to walk around and feast the eyes. I don't think I saw a lot of "stylishly dressed young women," though.

All other malls are, as W2R says, no place anyone [over 16 years old] would want to visit except from necessity.

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And here I always thought a mall was a mall was a mall, and essentially a complete drag and someplace anyone would rather avoid.

See the things I learn from this forum?
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Old 11-05-2012, 04:57 PM   #23
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I don't think I saw a lot of "stylishly dressed young women," though.

Amethyst
LOL. I guess it depends on where you place the bar. I'd say Rodeo Drive or 5th Avenue around 52nd in NYC are tops in US, but in most of the country enclosed malls have better weather, and some are pretty nice. Bellevue Square here in Seattle area attracts young women plenty stylish enough to entertain me. Downtown Seattle can be even better, but there is also a lot of annoying street action.

Ha
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Old 11-05-2012, 05:52 PM   #24
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If the consensus is correct and it is more about the wife getting more down time, this begs another question, as this occurs sometimes in my relationship. If she wants more alone time, why doesn't she just ask for it specifically? I chuckle because, sometimes my GF does this to me. Tells me what I want to do, even though I specifically said I do not.

Women usually tell guys what we want but they filter us out until "The danger she's extremely pissed & may be leaving the relationship " light goes on .Then they suddenly spring to action.
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Old 11-05-2012, 07:33 PM   #25
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Change is not always a bad thing. I would take her advice and try to get out more.
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Old 11-06-2012, 10:13 AM   #26
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The best thing a guy can do for himself and his woman is to have several healthy relationships with other guys.
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Old 11-06-2012, 10:23 AM   #27
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When I lived in Florida in the 80's, a shoe repair shop opened up next door. I had my nice leather shoes repaired there (remember those days?).

Anyway, the guy was already into his 70's. I asked how he came to open the shop. He said that he and the wife needed time apart. His equipment was ancient, the storefront was tiny, it was bare bones. He was just doing it to "get away from her for a while" with no expectations of making money. He put the equipment in storage "just in case." Well, just-in-case came, and here he was. He kept short hours (a few hours at rush hour and Saturday morning).

Nice guy, and he did great work for way too good of a price.
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Old 11-06-2012, 10:52 AM   #28
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The best thing a guy can do for himself and his woman is to have several healthy relationships with other guys.
That probably is true, especially for retired couples living together. For me, my GF (who lives in her own place) still works and my best friends are all married and live out of town. They view the trip to my place as their "get out of jail weekend pass" from wife and kids. Since it usually entails the whole weekend due to length of trip, she is never happy about this!
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:54 PM   #29
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For Crying Out Loud!! Mulligan, haven't you figured out that you are supposed to read her mind to get this information?
LOL. We women do have this tendency. I was in my thirties before I discovered the astonishing fact that my husband will empty the dishwasher or vacuum the floors anytime I ask. What wasn't working was waiting for him to spontaneously figure it out and getting ticked when he didn't.

I ask. He does it.

Pretty nifty.

SIS (slow learner)
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Old 11-08-2012, 02:14 AM   #30
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Not retired yet...but when I do, I have two acres around our house in CA to deal with. It will be very, very easy for me to disappear out there to give DW a couple hours or a half day of space, if that's what she needs. I love to be outside, and I love to be alone in my yard for hours. I have an outdoor kitchen that I keep stocked with cool beverages and sandwich fixins, a stove if I want something hot, and easy access to the mud-room area toilet. I'll be putting in a fire pit, and we have a couple of kerosene stoves for heat on 10' wide wraparound country porch when it is chilly. When it is hot, I have misting fans and the pool in addition to the aforementioned cool beverages to help regulate the heat.

We don't have a dog yet, but adopting one or two are high on the agenda once we are able to move back there from Japan. Running or walking or playing with them will keep me (and the dog(s)) occupied and out of her hair for at least an hour or two a day.

If you have a yard, or a garage or a shed that can be used as a man-cave, I think you could find ways to give her a little more space without actually having to socialize much. Don't get me wrong, I'm a friendly guy...I always chat with people wherever I go. But, I don't feel the need to go out just to be social. Regardless of what social scientists say, I really do believe that if you are not wired to need the social interaction, then it may actually be detrimental to your health to try to seek it out because a scientist says you should. That said, if your wife is saying (in fewer or more polite words) "give me space", ya better had find a way to give her some...just sayin...

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Old 11-12-2012, 03:28 PM   #31
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Regardless of what social scientists say, I really do believe that if you are not wired to need the social interaction, then it may actually be detrimental to your health to try to seek it out because a scientist says you should.

R
Thanks, Rambler! You have no idea how much this one sentence has helped me! I've been trying very hard since being FIRE'd to be highly social-----sort of an experiment to see if I could change my introverted nature as well as to make up for all those years I didn't want to socialize at all when working. I've not found most of the socializing to be very rewarding for various reasons (it drains me, conversation can be inane or limited, people's bad behaviors, etc.). But I continued to force myself to do so since all the social scientists talk about the physical and emotional benefits of social interaction. Your sentence said it all to me---different strokes for different folks. Something that results in disappointment, frustration, and even occasionally anger can't be all that good for me, even if it's good for the majority of folks.

I won't quite become a hermit, but I will cocoon more at home...and enjoy it without feeling guilty! So---thanks for freeing up my time and my mind. Strange how one sentence from a stranger did that, but the world and human psyche moves in mysterious ways.
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Old 11-12-2012, 04:12 PM   #32
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Thanks, Rambler! You have no idea how much this one sentence has helped me! I've been trying very hard since being FIRE'd to be highly social-----sort of an experiment to see if I could change my introverted nature as well as to make up for all those years I didn't want to socialize at all when working. I've not found most of the socializing to be very rewarding for various reasons (it drains me, conversation can be inane or limited, people's bad behaviors, etc.). But I continued to force myself to do so since all the social scientists talk about the physical and emotional benefits of social interaction. Your sentence said it all to me---different strokes for different folks. Something that results in disappointment, frustration, and even occasionally anger can't be all that good for me, even if it's good for the majority of folks.

I won't quite become a hermit, but I will cocoon more at home...and enjoy it without feeling guilty! So---thanks for freeing up my time and my mind. Strange how one sentence from a stranger did that, but the world and human psyche moves in mysterious ways.
Having moved to a new city where I only know few people, I have tried to build a local social network by attending meetups. Compared to the huge effort required to socialize with strangers at those meetings, the rewards have been very limited so far. I am going to keep at it until the end of the year and hope that something beyond superficial acquaintanceship develops.
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Old 11-12-2012, 04:19 PM   #33
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I also have an issue with the notion of forcing oneself to socialize because it's "healthy." Yes, we are a social species and complete isolation probably isn't good for us. However, I suspect the real health benefits only kick in when the other people actually care about you. That is just my thought.

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Having moved to a new city where I only know few people, I have tried to build a local social network by attending meetups. Compared to the huge effort required to socialize with strangers at those meetings, the rewards have been very limited so far. I am going to keep at it until the end of the year and hope that something beyond superficial acquaintanceship develops.
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:20 PM   #34
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I also have an issue with the notion of forcing oneself to socialize because it's "healthy." Yes, we are a social species and complete isolation probably isn't good for us. However, I suspect the real health benefits only kick in when the other people actually care about you. That is just my thought.

Amethyst
I agree.
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Old 11-12-2012, 08:42 PM   #35
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I think you are right, Amethyst, about the health benefits of social interaction when there is a mutual caring....although some experts say that it is sufficient to be the one who does all the caring (which is why they think volunteer work can be rewarding). I guess I'm not quite that evolved yet. If a friendship involves my doing 90% or more of the caring/spending time and energy, I seem to lose my warm fuzzies from giving....

FIREd, I do tons of Meetups---we'll have to exchange war stories! Meetup is the only way I can have social interaction other than the gym since I don't go to work or church. It's a brilliant concept and also a flawed/bizarre one. Quite often it seems that participants are focused solely on the activity/event and only minimally on striking more than a superficial interaction. I know that some people think participants in Meetup are "losers" since they "need" Meetup for a social life. I just don't have any outlet now for meeting people other than MU and didn't establish friendships while working, so it's really the only game in town for me. And even if I don't make the kind of deep and lasting friendships I would like from it, at least it gets me out of the house and has introduced me to activities and lifestyles I hadn't experienced and to people I otherwise wouldn't have met. And this way I'm not a total hermit/recluse and won't feel like I am compromising my health by a total lack of socialization!
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Old 11-12-2012, 08:51 PM   #36
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I think you are right, Amethyst, about the health benefits of social interaction when there is a mutual caring....although some experts say that it is sufficient to be the one who does all the caring (which is why they think volunteer work can be rewarding). I guess I'm not quite that evolved yet. If a friendship involves my doing 90% or more of the caring/spending time and energy, I seem to lose my warm fuzzies from giving....

FIREd, I do tons of Meetups---we'll have to exchange war stories! Meetup is the only way I can have social interaction other than the gym since I don't go to work or church. It's a brilliant concept and also a flawed/bizarre one. Quite often it seems that participants are focused solely on the activity/event and only minimally on striking more than a superficial interaction. I know that some people think participants in Meetup are "losers" since they "need" Meetup for a social life. I just don't have any outlet now for meeting people other than MU and didn't establish friendships while working, so it's really the only game in town for me. And even if I don't make the kind of deep and lasting friendships I would like from it, at least it gets me out of the house and has introduced me to activities and lifestyles I hadn't experienced and to people I otherwise wouldn't have met. And this way I'm not a total hermit/recluse and won't feel like I am compromising my health by a total lack of socialization!
Tango, your comment about "participants are focused solely on the event" made me laugh. I have many good friends for 15 plus years, but we are solely about the activity whether it be golf, Vegas trips, sporting event or betting. If it wasn't for the activity, we probably would never talk to each other.
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Old 11-12-2012, 09:30 PM   #37
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I go on and off to 2 meetups. One meets in a bar and is mainly a pickup venue, but there are many group activities tha tcome out of this structure, like, hikes, ski trips, group attendance at soccer games, etc.

My friend goes to a meetup too far south for me to attend that is focused on beer and theology, and also meets in a bar.

It's been my experience that when most participants are single, the main thrust of the groups is to alleviate the shortage most acutely felt by these singles.

Ha
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:00 PM   #38
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Quite often it seems that participants are focused solely on the activity/event and only minimally on striking more than a superficial interaction.
Exactly. And perhaps this is good enough for most people - spend a few enjoyable hours with strangers sharing similar interests and then go home. But I find this type of interactions more draining than fulfilling.
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Old 11-13-2012, 06:59 AM   #39
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I also have an issue with the notion of forcing oneself to socialize because it's "healthy." Yes, we are a social species and complete isolation probably isn't good for us. However, I suspect the real health benefits only kick in when the other people actually care about you. That is just my thought.

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I agree.
Me too.
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Old 11-13-2012, 11:53 AM   #40
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Exactly. And perhaps this is good enough for most people - spend a few enjoyable hours with strangers sharing similar interests and then go home. But I find this type of interactions more draining than fulfilling.
+1.

Superficial is how I describe most of my meetups, but it is something to do on a weekend night...
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