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One Spouse Works...One Spouse ER
02-03-2014, 08:20 PM
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#1
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
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One Spouse Works...One Spouse ER
Recently ER'd, but DW is still working (not by choice). Does anyone have any interesting stories or advice for coping with this situation? Does the working spouse get jealous, mad, glad, relieved What's your story?
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02-03-2014, 09:38 PM
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#2
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 5,307
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DH retired in 2010. At the time I intended to ER with him, but I was asked to continue working part-time and I agreed to. Since then I worked from 1 to 2 days a week. Until middle of 2013, I would go to the office once or twice a week. Since then, I've worked from home.
One difference is that this has been from my choice. DH has always been very careful to tell me I can quit any time I want to. I don't think it would have set too well with me for him to tell me that he was going to retire, but that I had to keep working.... Of course, there can be situations where one spouse needs to continue working to qualify for a pension or something but that wasn't the case for us.
Particularly when I was driving to the office (very long commute) twice a week I did expect DH to do most of the errand running. I wasn't jealous of DH being fully retired since I was the one who chose to continue working part-time.
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02-03-2014, 09:46 PM
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#3
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Rural
Posts: 120
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I wish my DH would retire!!! And I will be working for at least ten more years. DH is 15 years older, however. He is on-call or working every other weekend and I cannot wait for the day when we have every weekend free. We financially could do it but he is not emotionally ready yet. Hopefully it will happen sometime in the next 1-5 years.
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02-04-2014, 07:20 AM
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#4
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 13,566
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Sure, all of the above, at varying times. But hey, it is all part of the larger plan, and I know when my checkout date is going to be, more or less.
Some days I make snarky comments, some days I'm very happy for him. That's how it was before he quit, too.
__________________
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.”
Gerard Arthur Way
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02-04-2014, 07:23 AM
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#5
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas: No Country for Old Men
Posts: 50,000
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarah in SC
Some Most days I make snarky comments, some rare are the days I'm very happy for him. That's how it was before he quit, too.
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FIFY
__________________
Numbers is hard
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02-04-2014, 07:31 AM
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#6
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 534
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PERSonalTime
Does anyone have any interesting stories or advice for coping with this situation?
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Some degree of resentment may be unavoidable but I think the real key to minimizing that is to make sure you rebalance home work loads appropriately. How you split chores when you were each working full time should be very different then how you split them when you're retired and she's working.
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02-04-2014, 07:50 AM
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#7
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 14,328
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I retired in 2007, DW has to w*rk two more years to get a pension with paid health care. Sure, at times she resents having to go to w*rk while I sleep in, but when she comes home, dinner is ready, errands and chores are done, as I do all that I can to make her life easier. It is truly no heavy lifting on my part.
She also realizes that my retiring early probably saved my sanity, if not my life. And for the most part, she likes her j*b.
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02-04-2014, 08:27 AM
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#8
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
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We are in a similar situation. I ER'ed a year ago due to a buyout opportunity (timing not really my choice). She was working about 32 hour a week and switched to full time to get the healthcare. As travelover said above, I do as many errands, chores, and meals as possible to balance the load. I was concerned she would feel resentment, but she claims that life is way easier than before and she has no issue. It probably helps that during all the years we raised a family she had the financial option to stay home buy never wanted to give up her part time job. She always wanted a "life" outside the home to vary her interests and activities. She says she would get bored too easily at home. I think it really depends on the individual.
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I reserve the right to change my mind as I get smarter.
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02-04-2014, 09:25 AM
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#9
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 2,778
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DW ER'd 3.5 years ago while I continue to w*rk. I honestly have never had a second when I resented her for it. I plan to join her not more than 2 years one more year from now, if the creek don't rise.
I think her biggest problem has been loneliness. I'm looking forward to helping her with that.
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02-04-2014, 09:55 AM
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#10
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jon-nyc
Some degree of resentment may be unavoidable but I think the real key to minimizing that is to make sure you rebalance home work loads appropriately. How you split chores when you were each working full time should be very different then how you split them when you're retired and she's working.
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Jon-NYC,
I think your comments reflect DW's sentiments exactly! Going to get the kitchen cleaned up as we speak.
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02-04-2014, 10:02 AM
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#11
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 12,890
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I ER'd almost 4 years ago and DW still works (by choice). She is certainly not jealous and even wonders how I can stand to stay home all day. But her life has certainly become easier. When we both worked, our weekends and evenings were not very satisfying. We had to go grocery shopping, run errands, pay the bills, do household chores, etc... Now I take care of that stuff on week days and our weekends are more likely to be spent hiking or at the beach now. She feels more energized at work. She even acknowledges that my ER has allowed her to advance her all-important career. She can focus on her work and, because I am not tied to a job, we are mobile and she is able to take advantage of far-flung opportunities.
But I don't know if things would work out the same way if she was working out of necessity.
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02-04-2014, 10:42 AM
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#12
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,983
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jon-nyc
Some degree of resentment may be unavoidable but I think the real key to minimizing that is to make sure you rebalance home work loads appropriately. How you split chores when you were each working full time should be very different then how you split them when you're retired and she's working.
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As long as the home man or woman assumes the roles of a pre-WW2 wife, everything should be fine. But likely most of us would prefer continuing to work. And I believe it is an unusual homeperson who fills these roles with much gusto.
Ha
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"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
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02-04-2014, 10:46 AM
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#13
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 534
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My strategy was to retire with enough coin to keep the housecleaner, the yard guy, the plow guy, etc.
Of course there's still cooking. But I like to cook.
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02-04-2014, 10:51 AM
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#14
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 534
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It helps in my case that DW wants to work but doesn't have to. And we have a little one at home so I contribute as primary caregiver as well.
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02-04-2014, 10:53 AM
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#15
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 12,890
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haha
As long as the home man or woman assumes the roles of a pre-WW2 wife, everything should be fine. But likely most of us would prefer continuing to work. And I believe it is an unusual homeperson who fills these roles with much gusto.
Ha
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Since you are single, do you feel like a pre-WW2 housewife when you clean up your condo, go to the grocery store, or pay the bills?
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02-04-2014, 10:57 AM
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#16
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 14,328
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haha
..........And I believe it is an unusual homeperson who fills these roles with much gusto.........Ha
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Just getting to wear the cool apron makes it all worthwhile for me.
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02-04-2014, 11:03 AM
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#17
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,983
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FIREd
Since you are single, do you feel like a pre-WW2 housewife when you clean up your condo, go to the grocery store, or pay the bills?
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No offense meant to you. I believe that a single person who sets his own (or her own) rules for how spic and span things need to be is in a different position from someone who has a spouse who feels that (usually she) has final say over what is acceptable. Things should always be neater when the labor will be done by somebody else. For many perhaps most of us, autonomy is sweet.
Anyway, I am not giving truths, just one man's opinion.
Ha
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"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
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02-04-2014, 11:05 AM
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#18
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Administrator
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Chicagoland
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02-04-2014, 11:07 AM
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#19
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 12,890
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haha
No offense meant to you. I believe that a single person who sets his own (or her own) rules for how spic and span things need to be is in a different position from someone who has a spouse who feels that (usually she) has final say over what is acceptable. Things should always be neater when the labor will be done by somebody else.
Anyway, I am not giving truths, just one man's opinion.
Ha
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I don't know a lot of women who would enjoy spending the night in a pigsty. So unless you have given up on dating, I don't think you really set your own rules for how spic and span things need to be.
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02-04-2014, 11:09 AM
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#20
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 13,566
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True dat.
I keep a much less clean house than my DH. So him being home means that the house is actually presentable for company!
__________________
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.”
Gerard Arthur Way
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