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Old 08-18-2013, 11:03 AM   #21
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I think it is great what your DH and you are doing for the boys and their mom. I hope that you find great joy in it. However, it has to be scary, since it is so huge in scope. I would talk it over with DH and agree to try this, but let him know that it might not be permanent, and that you should review your future plans once a year.
Thanks Dreamer for the insight. DH and I had a good talk last night and agreed that just because we're going to 'help' we won't be surrogate parents.

We're still going to travel as we planned which means we may be gone for a couple of months at a time, we plan to volunteer with the Red Cross disaster which also means we'd be gone... basically we're not putting our real plans on hold. Just the part about which part of the country we'll be living in.
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Old 08-18-2013, 11:04 AM   #22
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I don't think you're acting abnormally at all; as others have said, it's the change and the unknowns that lie ahead of you.

It's also the feeling to separating from a present environment with familiar things and amenities.

We are well along the way to downsizing and moving, possibly to another state altogether. California is not the best place to retire on a (very) fixed income with no COLA pension.

We are more than a year away, and already DW feels sad when she looks at her potted plants and books ( she has LOT of books ). I suspect she will be feeling what you're now feeling when the time draws near and the actual purging begins.

Look forward to the future, it is another adventure you're headed into. New fields to see, experience and conquer.

Best of wishes to you.
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Please help me figure out why I feel so overwhelmed!
Old 08-18-2013, 02:35 PM   #23
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Please help me figure out why I feel so overwhelmed!

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...We've also decided to move back to Nevada instead of to Florida. Florida was going to be about doing what we want to do every day, Nevada is where my husband's sister lives with her two twin eight-year old sons (she's single).

The reason for NV is that my husband wants to be a part of the boys' lives as they grow up since they have no male in their lives other than family and probably never will. And I'm ok with moving back; I love the little rug rats and there is plenty to do once retired that we enjoy doing. And I honor my husband's wanting to be there to help raise her kids.

In prep for moving back we've started downsizing (going from 3800 sq ft to 1800 sq ft. or less). ... and I'm finding myself on the verge of tears and I don't know why!

I'm not a person who is attached to stuff and I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried in the last 5 years. I regularly throw stuff away and actually enjoy the process, so I'm at a loss for what I'm feeling.

I still love my job (gasp!) and may not retire when DH does.
So if anyone has insight I'd love to hear it!
Well, I'm not sure about insight, but...

It sounds as if the tears don't have much to do with throwing away stuff.
But, you do mention that you are "OK" with the move to Nevada. "OK" is usually lukewarm at best. So, perhaps Nevada is not your first choice, maybe not even your second choice. You mention that you "want to honor your husband's wanting to be there" to help out with his nephews. "Honor"? Is that a good enough reason to move somewhere? I don't know, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

I apologize if I have over-stepped.
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Old 08-18-2013, 08:51 PM   #24
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Up until now all your plans for retirement,moving and downsizing have been in your head and can be changed, suppressed, enjoyed etc. depending on your mood and circumstances. Actually picking up objects and putting them in keep or toss piles is the first physical action, associated with the future, that you have undertaken and it is forcing you to confront the concrete reality of the changes ahead.
I have had to deal with the possessions of my MIL and my mother after their passing and it has given me a different perspective on downsizing. Anything I give away or throw out is one less item that my kids will have to deal with. You are on the right track by taking a picture of your awards and tossing them - they are only important to you and you have a record of them without the dust collectors themselves.
If you can afford it pack up and take everything with you that gives you a emotional twinge. You will probably be a lot less attached when you can't find a space for it in your new home so parting will be a relief instead of a regret.
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Old 08-19-2013, 07:53 AM   #25
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Well, I'm not sure about insight, but...

It sounds as if the tears don't have much to do with throwing away stuff.
But, you do mention that you are "OK" with the move to Nevada. "OK" is usually lukewarm at best. So, perhaps Nevada is not your first choice, maybe not even your second choice. You mention that you "want to honor your husband's wanting to be there" to help out with his nephews. "Honor"? Is that a good enough reason to move somewhere? I don't know, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

I apologize if I have over-stepped.
Not overstepping at all. I think you've hit the kernel of my feelings... NV isn't even close to my second choice. We just moved back to TX from NV a year ago for my job promotion to mgmt. Now DH wants to move back and my manager is very sensitive to family needs so she's ok with us leaving since I've proven over the last year that I deliver.

I'm ok with moving back since we've agreed that we're only staying until they're in college (8 years). I just don't want to be the one who has to do all the work. I tend to be the one who works with the realtor, does the mortgage paperwork legwork; basically in the past DH just had to sign the paperwork and help load/unload... and that's been ok because I enjoy doing the process of finding a house and moving to a new place.

Not this time. I realized last night when looking at houses the realtor sent that I'm not enjoying it. So we had yet another talk and agreed that if this move is so important to him then he's taking on the work of getting us moved.

I can predict that it will be well into 2014 before we move rather than 'by Thanksgiving' which was his original statement. He fully admits he's a procrastinator so it will be interesting to see how this all plays out.
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Old 08-19-2013, 08:05 AM   #26
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We just moved back to TX from NV a year ago for my job promotion to mgmt.
If moving from NV to TX was progress, moving back might make me feel think that in some way I'm losing ground, despite knowing this is not the case. Letting the DH do all the groundwork is a smart way to help offset that feeling.
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Old 08-19-2013, 10:28 AM   #27
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I don't have anything profound to add to the good advice already given. It sounds like you are doing what you need to do in response to your feelings. Good luck - that is a LOT of change at one time and NOT the change you had in your mind's eye. So be easy on yourself.
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Old 08-19-2013, 12:33 PM   #28
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It does sound like you're going through major changes in your life, and you just need time to adjust. If you're having problems cleaning out stuff, take a break for a few days and try again.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:04 PM   #29
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Lisa:
Sounds like you're very normal and handling everything perfectly.
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Old 08-19-2013, 07:14 PM   #30
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Sorry this is long but I could really use your help figuring out what's going on with me.

I wrote recently that DH and I have reached FI and we're in the countdown to figuring out when we want to retire (likely within the next year for DH).

We've also decided to move back to Nevada instead of to Florida. Florida was going to be about doing what we want to do every day, Nevada is where my husband's sister lives with her two twin eight-year old sons (she's single).

The reason for NV is that my husband wants to be a part of the boys' lives as they grow up since they have no male in their lives other than family and probably never will. And I'm ok with moving back; I love the little rug rats and there is plenty to do once retired that we enjoy doing. And I honor my husband's wanting to be there to help raise her kids.

In prep for moving back we've started downsizing (going from 3800 sq ft to 1800 sq ft. or less). So today I started purging my office. I've taken pictures of all my sales awards (and thrown them away), started stacks for goodwill and basically am only keeping what I love and use every day... and I'm finding myself on the verge of tears and I don't know why!

I'm not a person who is attached to stuff and I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried in the last 5 years. I regularly throw stuff away and actually enjoy the process, so I'm at a loss for what I'm feeling.

I still love my job (gasp!) and may not retire when DH does. And I've already gotten the green light from management that I can work from wherever I want so the emotions aren't about completely leaving the work world. So if anyone has insight I'd love to hear it!
some thoughts:
It's a major life change. You spend a lot of years working and accomplishing
something then one day just walking away from it could create some of those feelings.

maybe you are not ready yet.

I cannot relate to loving my job but if I did I might of stayed on a little longer. Everyone is different. We have a friend whose father retired at 60
and when to work for her brother for 30 more yrs. till he was 90!

when we got to the financial freedom point we both realized that "not having to wo%$" and wok%$ing is much better than having to wo%$.

can you try part time ?
Even better can you take some time off?
that worked for my wife. 2 months off now she does projects part time
with time off between each project.

Good luck with your move to Nevada, the world needs more people like you and your husband....

It will work out ..
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Old 08-19-2013, 08:16 PM   #31
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Lisa,
Change is stressful . Take your time & make it as easy on yourself as possible !
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Old 08-19-2013, 09:15 PM   #32
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I think moving out of a big house is a bit of a weird feeling, and 3800 sq feet is pretty big for two people. That is more space than we have now but we also plan to go to around 1800 sq feet or less.

Intellectually DH and I don't want a yard any longer, just a patio is all we really use, we don't want a big space to clean, we want to travel and not have to hire a house sitter. We want a lock and go place.

Yet this will be the first time we will have moved to a smaller instead of bigger place. We have been kind of conditioned that bigger is better so it has taken some time and a lot of looking around at open houses to make the eventual move feel really right.
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Old 08-19-2013, 10:16 PM   #33
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I feel that your intuition is trying to tell you something. You are crying for a reason and I think there is a loss here it seems that you had a dream and picture pf life in Florida and now you are are changing your dream to move and take on responsibilities which were not anticipated. I cannot say what should be done but please don't ignore your feelings and distress. I feel you need to really sit with your sadness and be honest with howmyou feel. This os an important decision and I agree with the idea of speaking to a life coach or therapist to sort,out themissues. I only know that I would resent giving up my dreamsto take on responsibilities that were not mine. Sometimes it is time for your dreams. I wish you the best!
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Old 08-19-2013, 10:17 PM   #34
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Geesh, sorry for the typos!
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Old 08-19-2013, 10:45 PM   #35
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LOL! I can say with 100% certainty that the particular change referenced is not the cause for my tears.
Isn't LOL just a big dumb a$$ ?
No, I really don't have a clue either. But good try LOL.
Hope all works out well.
Love and the peace sign lol,
Steve
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Old 08-19-2013, 11:01 PM   #36
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I think you may want to think more of what it might be like in NV. Helping with the two kids is a really nice thought. But they could also come and spend the summer in TX in that big house.

There is a lot to discuss before accepting the idea of this move as final...
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Old 08-20-2013, 06:18 AM   #37
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If its any consolation, DW and I have that overwhelmed feeling as well, as we are presently going through a local downsizing (will lose 1700 sq ft and ~ 1/4 acre+), with all the associated fix up to sell, decluttering, house showings, getting through contract negotiations with the buyer, the home inspection process and then looking at 20 yrs worth of belongings knowing that much of it needs to go and leaving behind all the memories we've enjoyed in this house with DS and DD. I have often been puzzled by that TV show the Horders, and how these people have difficulty letting go of their stuff, but am starting to understand, albeit on a slightly different scale. Honestly, all these things have affected my sleep, as I'm waking up at 4:00 AM worrying about things falling through the cracks or the process going off the rails. Hope this passes soon.

Our new house will not be finished when we close on the existing one, so the buyers agreed to lease back to us, but this could get costly if there are delays in completing the new house. Nevertheless, the new place is something to look forward to, its gated, will be a lot less costly to operate/maintain, yard work is done by HOA, so leaving it to travel should be very convenient. So for me, just trying to look past the present hassles at an improved situation in another month or so.
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Old 08-20-2013, 06:46 AM   #38
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Hi Lisa,

Sounds like you are feeling better now. Lots of great insight from folks and you putting your DH in charge of the move was genius. Using that tactic with my own DH has come in handy many times; the strength is knowing when to use it, lol. (I never put him in charge of paying bills).

While I have nothing to add, I did want you to know I am cheering for you. Retiring, even when it is the best thing ever, can come with some emotional moments. Adding this twist could make it a bit complicated. Make sure you keep planning fun stuff, though.
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Old 08-20-2013, 11:30 AM   #39
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Sounds like you are feeling better now. Lots of great insight from folks and you putting your DH in charge of the move was genius. Using that tactic with my own DH has come in handy many times; the strength is knowing when to use it, lol. (I never put him in charge of paying bills).
Thanks, I am feeling better. This group is better than a therapist... available 24x7, great insights and free to boot... what more could a LBYM person want!

But seriously, what you've been able to do is help me dig deeper into what I was and am feeling and help come up with concrete solutions.

I even realized that I'm having problems with accepting the fact that the house price range we're choosing to 'afford' in retirement could be a very different neighborhood than the types of neighborhoods we've called home for the last 10 years.

I hope it doesn't come across as 'snobbery' but I just will not live in a house where the guy next door can have his car up on blocks, weeds are rampant, and there are beer cans strewn about.

Now that I know I will compromise in some areas and not others it may mean our house buying budget goes up a bit and we find other areas to cut back.
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Old 08-20-2013, 11:54 AM   #40
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I just will not live in a house where the guy next door can have his car up on blocks, weeds are rampant, and there are beer cans strewn about.
How about if they're really nice blocks, like good landscaping pavers?

And weed is now perfectly legal in some states.

And good craft beer comes mostly in bottles, not cans, so there can be attractive reflections when the sun hits them at the right angle.

See, there are so many variations in a neighborhood that you might be closing yourself off to some perfectly acceptable options!
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