Setting the First Boundary Against Encroachment

[FUEGO]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodi I've also had the experience of neighbors assuming I'm free to volunteer for *their* favored community projects because I'm retired. I just politely point out that I am active in volunteer activities of my own choosing.

This. It's why I'm paranoid to let some folks around the community know I'm retired (but most do because of that annoying blog thingy I have going on and the NNN - Nosy Neighbor Network).

The PTA is the most recent one. Looking for all new board members and I've been an active participant and volunteer. But they want me to be a board member (prez, VP, secretary, etc). Please please we need a secretary!! No way in hel1 I'd be the secretary as I hate taking notes on stuff and dealing with minutiae like that even if I'm getting paid for it. Now I'm hesitant to even volunteer with them on a limited basis.

I've learned to say no a lot. Sometimes it's evasive, like "I'm busy that day so can't help out." In most cases it's taken well.

[Eagle43]

You could do it, for a price. Your ending hourly pay? 😁

No is the default answer. Don't start doing something you don't want to do. Say no emphatically.

[MichaelB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FUEGO I'm really flaky, undependable, and hard to get in touch with.

So, what are your negative qualities?

[Scuba]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Philliefan33 It's too late now, since you've already replied otherwise, but a simple "I'm sorry, I can't. I've made other plans for the day" would've been my response.

+1
Even if your plans involve sleeping in and watching movies at home all day, it's still your option to spend your time as you see fit.

I occasionally ask our neighbors to help us out but always do something nice for them in return. I think the key is not to take another person's time for granted. Maybe having other plans a few times will help your friend realize you have a life.

[razztazz]

I stopped answering the phone. Would just listen to the voice on the "tape machine" (this was 1996) and chuckle. Several months later I moved 1,000 miles away but the phone had stopped ringing by then.

[Aerides]

There should be no reason to "set boundaries" like this with friends. They shouldn't be asking, this shouldn't be an issue with normal people. Your friend is the issue.

My sister (still working, kids, errands and running around like crazy all the time) would not have asked like this. On the occasion that she has asked for help, it's been very gracious and with notice and very conscious that it's a favor. Even though she knows (I hope) I'd never say no.

Your friend really over imposed unless couched with tremendous up front apologies and begging (late night text the day before - not it). I would have pretended to not even see the text and therefore respond too late (since, you'd be sleeping in the next morning and not in a rush to check your phone right?).

I would not worry about any damage to the friendship based on this one push back. If there is any issue, she caused it, by showing you and your time zero respect. If she even brings up feeling wounded, prepare to let this one go, she is only going to keep pushing the limits and seems rather selfish from your examples.

Even the lunch you describe... she should have just rescheduled vs. you just bringing lunch to her house. But either way, you shouldn't have to set boundaries... so the next time she has a favor to ask...have your "No, sorry, can't" ready.

[Major Tom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by razztazz I stopped answering the phone. Would just listen to the voice on the "tape machine" (this was 1996) and chuckle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbWFosekt6Y

[iloveyoga]

I would say "No, I'm sorry I'm not able to help with that." No back and forth and explanations, but that is how I would handle it.

[Scrapr]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meadbh She owes you now. I suggest calling on this friend when you next need a favour, for example, to drive you to the airport when you depart on the first of your ER trips! .

LOL. My overseas flights always are 1st one of the day. 5:00 am baby!

We have a neighbor that we trade airport runs. I do the early flights because I'm up early anyway. They take the late night ones. So far we are about even steven.

[Chuckanut]

What! You are not sitting around at home doing nothing while waiting for people to call you in retirement and give your life a purpose?

This may be a one-off, if so, just forget it, and - if you can - be a good friend who can help out. OTOH if the person is a Crazy Maker you may have to get tougher.

Like may old grand pappy used to say "Never complain. Never explain."

[Jerry1]

I'll reinforce that a simple "no" is all that was/is needed. Sure, a polite no, but a firm no. I learned this being the introvert I am when people asked me to some event. I use to would try to make up an excuse or on the day, come up with a way out, but then I learned to just tell the truth and say, no thanks. The more close a friend was, the more I might explain - no thanks, you know I don't do that type of stuff . . .

OTOH, I don't know this person and it certainly doesn't sound like this is something planned. And, I don't know how she asked you. I can't imaging anyone other than family asking me to do something like this, but if a close friend ask me to get them out of a jam and I knew the person not to be a user of people, I'd probably have done it. But I'm not you. You weren't ready to do something like that so an "I'm sorry, I can't do that", was all you needed to say.

[48Fire]

Is this new behavior, or have you enabled this in the past? My parents complain about things like this, but they never say no. It just reinforces the next request.

[gauss]

My advice: Get people use to a 24 hour delay in returning phone calls and emails -- perhaps the same things with SMS/text msgs. Your time is your own now and you don't need to be at anyone's electronic beck and call.

Just because we have allowed this to intrude in our "professional" work lives, doesn't mean that we need to allow it into our newly minted ER lives.

I suspect that all the stress resulting from 24 hour availability will take its toll down the road in aggregate health issues.

-gauss

[gauss]

I wonder if the ladies in our culture, as opposed to the men, are more likely to be burdened by subjected to these types of requests.

[Amethyst]

Probably not, but some may have more difficulty saying no.

I bet the biggest funeral assemblies are probably for men or women who continually dropped everything to do for others. You just gotta decide if you want lots of people at your funeral.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gauss I wonder if the ladies in our culture, as opposed to the men, are more likely to be burdened by these types of requests.

[gauss]

Agreed.

BTW I edited my post above to modify the wording to more accurately reflect my original thought.

[Danmar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gauss I wonder if the ladies in our culture, as opposed to the men, are more likely to be burdened by subjected to these types of requests.

I can’t remember ever being asked to help out this way. Would probably do it once but then be ready with an “excuse” if it happened again. I would only feel comfortable asking close family (daughter/SIL) for this kind of assistance.

[Sunset]

I generally don't answer the phone, too many spammers and I don't feel ruled by the ring, so that might explain why I don't get subjected to these requests, unless the person plans ahead

[Danmar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunset I generally don't answer the phone, too many spammers and I don't feel ruled by the ring, so that might explain why I don't get subjected to these requests, unless the person plans ahead

Likewise. We move around so much that land lines are long gone. Hardly anyone I know actually uses their cell phones for voice calls anymore. So it’s basically text or maybe email.

However, I did get an unusual phone call, a couple of week’s ago from my new Canmore neighbour who wanted to know if we planned to be there around Christmas. We weren’t so he asked if he could “borrow’ our house for a few days to help house his family get together. Caught me off guard but was a pretty easy decision.

[Amethyst]

Now that's what I call chutzpah. You don't even know him, right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danmar my new Canmore neighbour who wanted to know if we planned to be there around Christmas. We weren’t so he asked if he could “borrow’ our house for a few days to help house his family get together.