Setting the First Boundary Against Encroachment

[kgtest]

I've realized in life friendship means different things to different people. TO me it means empathizing and offering suggestions of hope when friends are in need, and when they aren't just having a fun time and trying to learn and grow with each other. As soon as I am not having a fun time, or my friend becomes overbearing I back off and try to "just be friends".

As soon as you let other people's problems become your own problems...its no longer friendship it,s therapy.

[kcowan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danmar Ya, a little strange for sure. Doubt we will get very friendly with this guy. He had the nerve to say “he wouldn’t hold it against me if I declined”. Well guess what? I’m holding it against him.

It is amazing the nerve of some people. We rented our northern home to a lawyer friend for half the market price. Then after 5 years, we asked him to just pay the inflation of the already low price. He refused. So now we rent it through an agent, making double and meeting some nice people.

[Danmar]

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Originally Posted by FUEGO He just figured you didn't use it much so he would help put it to more optimal use! He's probably efficient and hates waste as much as the rest of us. Sounds like a nice guy! And can I spend a couple weeks crashing at your pad with my 3 unruly kids this summer? Still debating what to do over the summer. Don't worry we don't break much - past couple summers in airbnbs all it has been is 3 lamps and a glass coffee table. Who knew 3 year olds can't jump through glass tables?!?!

Hilarious. My thoughts exactly. It wasn’t even the guy I know but his sister who I have never met. Gotta stay arm’s length from this guy.

[Danmar]

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Originally Posted by kcowan It is amazing the nerve of some people. We rented our northern home to a lawyer friend for half the market price. Then after 5 years, we asked him to just pay the inflation of the already low price. He refused. So now we rent it through an agent, making double and meeting some nice people.

Geez. People can be funny when it comes to money. Good for you. I have figured out that basically friends and money don’t mix very well.

[Scrapr]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kcowan It is amazing the nerve of some people. We rented our northern home to a lawyer friend for half the market price. Then after 5 years, we asked him to just pay the inflation of the already low price. He refused. So now we rent it through an agent, making double and meeting some nice people.

Some neighbors of our 2nd home in a vacation area asked if we could let their nanny's family stay over on a long weekend. Since we knew the neighbors well we said of course. And charged a nominal amount.

I was the first one over after they left. That was very lucky because if Mrs Scrapr had been first there would have been an explosion. Hairspray on the counter, broken stuff in kitchen & front room. (swept up but nothing said about it) Trash in the garage. They treated it as a hotel room. That was the last time we lent the house out.

There was one other time a friend asked to borrow it for a weekend. She asks the week before....Is 12 too many in your house? Ummm yeah. There is only 3 beds there. Last time for her

[WestLake]

razatazz is right. Don't answer the phone. I dropped voicemail as well. They have to text or email. I get a lot of messages via Facebook but I can always say I wasn't on there, didn't see it... my life is so much simpler incommunicado.

[Winemaker]

Only you can give someone permission to walk all over you. Sometimes friends and family are worth it, most of the time they're not.

[splitwdw]

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Originally Posted by Indigo Mule I am looking for any words of advice, commiseration, and tips on setting and maintaining boundaries with your still-working friends when you are the first of your circle to free yourself from daily work. I hadn't thought I would find myself in this situation so soon--I just retired last week. This week I had lunch with a friend on Monday (which was going to be us meeting somewhere for lunch on her work-from-home day, and morphed into me picking up lunch and meeting her at her house since she had spent her "lunchtime" running errands). Late last night, she texted me to explain that she needed to ask a favor--to have me be at her house for several hours tomorrow around noon to let some workers in to do a job, and then to lock up after them. My reaction to this simple request was a huge adrenaline spike, like I was under attack, and a triggering of my anxiety (that my hard-won escape from the need to be at others' beck and call was being taken away from me, and I was back in the... realm of work hell).

So you already expected this to happen? This friend has done this in the past? We all have different "classes" of friends, some are best friends and there is just about anything you will do for each other. Then you have the friend(s) that don't see asking you for favors (or just taking advantage of your time) to their advantage. "What's the problem, you're not working (have the day off, on vaca and not doing anything.)". They always seem to have a reason why it's not a problem for you. LOL Your friend has done this twice in your second week of retirement.
I'm still working but have a friend that does this a lot. I like him and will accommodate if I can but sometimes he crossing the line and I let him know it. He's not going to change and for the most part I enjoy his company. BUT sometimes
Enjoy your retirement and congrats!

[kcowan]

We have a 3-day rule on our spare bedroom in PV. Most people want to come for a week or two and we say we will help getting them a hotel for the remainder of their time. Most have moved on to their own rentals now.

[JoeWras]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Music Lover I made sure to invite him over using the same tactic one day and once he found out I wanted help shingling my house he had to quickly backtrack by remembering a prior commitment. He never called me again...

This is awesome! Sounds a little like a Seinfeld episode, if Seinfeld were in suburbia.

"Whatcha doing today?"
"Nothin..."
"Great, come on over and shingle my 3 story house!"

[Danmar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kcowan We have a 3-day rule on our spare bedroom in PV. Most people want to come for a week or two and we say we will help getting them a hotel for the remainder of their time. Most have moved on to their own rentals now.

We have a 4 day rule. Some people want to stay a week and in that case either they get a hotel or sometimes we will leave them there on their own when we go to another place. We will often loan our places out to very good friends or relatives when we are not there. Especially our Toronto Condo which we seldom use. In any event, no self invites allowed.

[Teacher Terry]

We invite friends for a week. I figure if they are going to the expense of flying to see us we should accommodate them. However, these are good friends that I invite.

[Clone]

A friend of mine used to winter in Arizona. He and his wife had a saying about their place-

Quote:

Room for 6 to visit, 4 can eat, sleeps 2!

[ElizabethT]

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Originally Posted by Amethyst I bet the biggest funeral assemblies are probably for men or women who continually dropped everything to do for others. You just gotta decide if you want lots of people at your funeral.

Best line ever. And I'll speak up for the ladies by saying that in our home I have the far easier time with 'No' than does my spouse. I see it as a reflection on the person making the ask, while he interprets it as a reflection on himself.

He'll likely have more folk at his funeral than will I.

[TrvlBug]

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Originally Posted by ElizabethT Best line ever. And I'll speak up for the ladies by saying that in our home I have the far easier time with 'No' than does my spouse. I see it as a reflection on the person making the ask, while he interprets it as a reflection on himself. He'll likely have more folk at his funeral than will I.

+1. SIL is a master manipulator and because of her, I developed a backbone. DH is a soft touch for anyone. Now animal welfare issues I'm a total softie.

[pb4uski]

Benjamin Franklin famously said that guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

We jokingly call it the "one roll of toilet paper" rule.... after you have been visiting long enough to go through a roll of toilet paper then you need to move on.

We would willingly allow our good friends to use our place for overflow guests if we are out of town.... but I'm very confident that the place would be cleaner than we left it. Some new people that we just met like in Danmar's case.... no way, Jose.

[bclover]

What's the friendship like? For exampleI have 4 friends that are my "ride and die" girlfriends. They have come through for me countless times, so there is not much I wouldn't don for them. If its a work buddy then decline graciously and if she gets upset that's on her

[Amethyst]

Just when this thread appeared, the advice columnist Carolyn Hax addressed the favor/boundaries/friendship issue with a college student, whose roommate has become very needy. Carolyn's bottom line is: "They spot people more worried about losing their friends than about losing themselves, and latch on. The powerlessness you feel is what losing yourself feels like."

CAROLYN HAX: College student can’t say no to manipulative friend | The Spokesman-Review

The core of the matter is whether the person who asks favors, is also there for you when you need her.

[Helen]

I had a coworker who seemed to think there was no favor too big for him to ask me to do. He and his wife moved to the same small town that I lived in, and the favors expanded to life outside of work. I had a chat with him and laid out the boundaries, no coming by my house without being invited and no more favors. Then I waited and four months later he hit me up for an 80 mile round trip ride to the airport for him both leaving and returning.

That was the end of the "friendship".

[Scuba]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danmar We have a 4 day rule. Some people want to stay a week and in that case either they get a hotel or sometimes we will leave them there on their own when we go to another place. We will often loan our places out to very good friends or relatives when we are not there. Especially our Toronto Condo which we seldom use. In any event, no self invites allowed.

Does your 4 day rule apply to family? We find that after 5 days, a visit starts to feel too long, but our family lives far away and they aren't wealthy so they want to maximize the value of their airfare and stay for 1-2 weeks. So far we have gone along with this but we're always glad when people leave. Playing tour guide for 2 weeks is expensive and exhausting!