Should Mom be able to make it?

[BUM]

Hi mod,

As far as your mom hanging up on you and going into deep depressions.... these are manipulative defense mechanisims that will work as long as you permit. You're in a thankless position. I too believe that there is a hole in the bucket. There likely are some expenses you are missing. But not surprising given her taste for $13 crab sandwiches.

Tough love time. If you are not careful you'll ruin your own chances NOT to end up like her. You need to fix the hole in your bucket

Similarly...been there, done that, it was awful, but it had to be done. Eventually it worked out ok. Love conquers all, most of the time.


BUM

[Caroline]

The problem is that in my trying to hold my ground with her has now caused a riff in our relationship. If I tell her I can't do it, she gets very angry with me, hangs up on me, and goes into a deep depression.* I am angry and upset of course, but then I mellow and think about the fact that she may not have that much longer to live and don't want her spending her last year miserable. (She is 85 yrs. old)

Short answer -- what BUM said.*

Longer answer --* I can't advise you on the money side - my father is alive and handling finances for himself and for my mother.* But I gather from what others say that your mother could easily make it on her current budget.*

What I can do, if you'll allow me to, is add to BUM's comments on the emotional factors.* I certainly recognize THAT part of the problem.* Your mother seems to have convinced you that you are not only responsible for her financial shortfall but for her happiness and emotional well-being too.*

You need to know that you are NOT responsible for these things.* Your mother has the ability to choose her actions and their consequences. At present, she chooses to ask her daughter to help support her lifestyle rather than budget for herself.

I have recently experienced a good dose of this myself from my sister and NO amount of reasoning, begging pleading, etc. etc. could convince her that I don't owe her a living.* I came to realize that she doesn't WANT to hear it.*

So long as my financial resources continue to be available to her, she will use them.* When I begin to withdraw them, there will be hell to pay.

This can be terribly hurtful -- you might expect your mother to be thankful for what you've done thus far but instead, she is angry and resentful that you don't do more.

The good news is that you and I have choices also.* We can choose to take care of those who would otherwise be well able to care for themselves, or we can choose to honor our own needs and the life energy we put into building a financial future, and gently and lovingly remove support from others.*

It's a hard row to hoe -- every time I refuse to help my little sister I feel terrible -- I define myself as a caring, loving person and having to say "no" makes me feel selfish and heartless.* I've decided that this is worth it, however, because I also avoid the feeling that I'm a willing doormat who can't stand up for myself.

Is it possible that you came to this forum to confirm what you already know?* That your mother is well-able to care for herself?* That her carelessness with your hard-earned financial resources is not fair?* That you have a right to stand up to her?

Whatever you do, I wish you the very best.* You have been caring and loving to others -- it may just be time to extend those good aspects of your character to yourself.

Caroline



*

[haha]

Very sensitively and clearly put Caroline.

Ha

[modhatter]

That was very well put Caroline. It does seem your situation is very similar. What did really shake me up were the attacks, when I finally said no. It was extreemly hurtful. I couldn't believe she could turn like that. Before that, I was such a wonderful daughter. Then =I suddenly I was labled the Bib Bad Witch of the East.

I am strugling with it and trying not to cave. I really appreciate everyone's input. It has been waying heavily on me, and I guess I did need some reassurance that I was doing the right thing and that the expectation of her managing with her current finances are sound. Thanks to all of you.

[OldAgePensioner]

modhatter, if you haven't done the "right thing" I struggle to imagine what you could have done better.

My friend in La Jolla in a similar situation is recovering now from the initial backlash.

You have done what most of us would have done. Make your mom viable, try to limit future problems and then let them cope for themselves.

Well done. Congrats.

[haha]

Mod, is there any way you can get her credit card away from her?

Without that CC, she is limited in the amount of damage she can do.

ha

[OldAgePensioner]

HaHa,
That is a qestion that we all need to know?? Getting credit cards out of thier hands.

How is this done? Can we write and threaten, demand cancellations?

Good question.

[BUM]

I don't think you can get a CC cancelled without power of attorney. Even then if you manage to get it cancelled Mom (in my case Aunt) could easily get another.

I'm afraid these things have to play out on their own. At some point, less or no financial intervention is best. Who could have more caring family members than modhatter and Caroline?

[OldAgePensioner]

BUM,
The problem with CCs is that they will allow 5-10K charges to sit there at 18% interest and the card holder paying just the penalty.

Isn't there some law that demands fairness in these cases.

Could a card holder just cut it up and say, "go ahead, try to collect".

My 18 year old nephew moved in at UNC this weekend. He got 2 credit cards during the first day.

[MRGALT2U]

Originally Posted by OldAgePensioner

BUM,
The problem with CCs is that they will allow 5-10K charges to sit there at 18% interest and the card holder paying just the penalty.

Isn't there some law that demands fairness in these cases.

Could a card holder just cut it up and say, "go ahead, try to collect".

My 18 year old nephew moved in at UNC this weekend.* He got 2 credit cards during the first day.

My parents have never owned a credit/debit card in their lives. That's
a problem I won't have. Anyway, a credit card is a like a gun, just another
tool unless it falls into the wrong hands.

JG

[MRGALT2U]

Originally Posted by BUM

I don't think you can get a CC cancelled without power of attorney. Even then if you manage to get it cancelled Mom (in my case Aunt) could easily get another.

I'm afraid these things have to play out on their own.* * At some point, less or no financial intervention is best.* *Who could have more caring family members than modhatter and Caroline?

I now have POA for just about everything, but loath to use them.
For one thing my father has always been very prickly about money.
For another, I know how I would feel about giving up control,
plus I'm basically a control freak anyway. Nope, the POAs will only
be used as a last resort.

JG

[BUM]

I agree. For most of us the POA is used as a last resort when mom and pop can't manage their own affairs.

I dunno, OAP. The CC companies know about their customer's rights and they play that up to the max. Its a fight for sure.

[JPatrick]

As already mentioned the car insurance needs a look.
Of course the hot check fees are really a waste. Possibly your bank or another would have some sort of program where you can avoid the fees.* Ours rolls to a credit card if one bounces. Of course that may open other doors with problems.
I'll bet if you laid out every food receipt for a month some thrift ideas would jump out at you.* I realize you would need some cooperation to do this.
Re food stamps, would it be possible for you to use the card on her behalf given that she will not?
I commend you for your efforts. Good luck