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Old 12-19-2008, 04:06 PM   #21
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Don't know if I have anything to contribute.

(58 heterosexual female, briefly married, long divorced, a few lovers since)

Do you really want/need a full-time partner/husband?

Personally, I really like living alone; though could see want2retire's idea of a friend/mate living nearby.

I also am slowly seeking out haha's idea of people of various gender/orientation/relationship as friends.

It's all new territory, you have to work it out in an ever changing environment.
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Old 12-19-2008, 05:18 PM   #22
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Rather than marrying a job, wouldn't it be easier to date a series of volunteer positions for a while?

At the end of the day when my wagon is draggin', I usually need an hour of martial arts. I don't appreciate it one bit at 6:15 PM but I usually feel much better (and ready to zonk out) by 8:30. Maybe you could try a kickboxing or taekwondo evening class, something that doesn't end until 7 PM or later, and meets 3x/week...

I've been reading a most interesting book called "Smart Women Don't Retire, They Break Free", which has an entire chapter devoted to your particular situation. The author drew on discussions with members of "The Transition Network".

Another observation which may not apply to you-- if you're uncomfortable with yourself on evenings & weekends, how would a partner feel being with you on evenings & weekends? I wonder if half the journey of finding a partner is attaining comfort at being "alone with yourself".
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Old 12-19-2008, 07:37 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Khan View Post
Don't know if I have anything to contribute.

(58 heterosexual female, briefly married, long divorced, a few lovers since)

Do you really want/need a full-time partner/husband?

Personally, I really like living alone; though could see want2retire's idea of a friend/mate living nearby.

I also am slowly seeking out haha's idea of people of various gender/orientation/relationship as friends.

It's all new territory, you have to work it out in an ever changing environment.
(51 hetero male, twice engaged (twice disengaged), never married)

Engaged 1st time at 19 or 20....our dreams & goals were opposite ends of the spectrum, and we never could quite find common ground....disengagement #1.

Engaged 2nd time about 10 years ago...we'd been life-long friends...however, after getting engaged, we determined that we were each waaay too independent, and neither of us could comfortably give up our independence....disengagement #2. We're still very good friends, and enjoy each others company even though she has a live in SO. (He can have her....she too dang independent for me. )

Over the past 30-some years, I've concluded that I don't want or need a full-time companion....I really enjoy being single, unattached, free, etc. I've always had friends "of various gender/orientation/relationship" to hang around with, take in a movie, go out for dinner, take a hike, or whatever.....but I don't have to live with them day in and day out...nor they with me (win/win).

I meet up with old friends, and make new ones just about anywhere I go, and have a good time. And the best part is that I can go home (or about anywhere else) and enjoy my solitude at any time I want!!! BTW, there's a local tour company (travel group) that I travel with quite often...just got back from San Antonio last week. I've made a bunch of friends over the years with fellow travelers! We look forward to taking trips together, and we stay in touch. The people who own and/or work for the company help keep us in touch and up to date with each other too. They let us know if someone is having health problems, or if a family member or spouse dies, etc., so we can send a card or make a phone call. We're all like a great big (sometimes strange & twisted) family.

I've developed all sorts of different interests and hobbies over the years, and I can easily become engaged and engrossed in any one of them and totally lose track of time. I've got indoor hobbies, as well as outdoor hobbies, so weather is never a hindrance. Some of them are enjoyed in solitude, some require interaction with others. Plus I've done a fair amount of volunteer work to keep some semblance of balance in my little universe. I also check to see what's happening 'about town'...concerts, shows, fairs, classes, seminars, clubs, etc., and then go to them to see what it's like...I've enjoyed many of the different things....I've only been slightly disappointed a time or two. Lots of other folks do the same, so there are always new opportunities to meet new folks. It's just like financial investments...you need diversification to enjoy a full life.
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Old 12-19-2008, 09:56 PM   #24
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Being married for 26 years, it seems to me that retirement for a single would be difficult from a loneliness perspective. But whenever I'm alone for a while, I look up some friends, stay active and work at hobbies / interests to fend off boredom.
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Old 12-19-2008, 11:51 PM   #25
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Finding oneself alone after so many years of being happy with a partner is devastating. I am so sorry to hear that this is your situation.

There are some silver linings, as tiny as they may be. One is that now, you have a chance to become better acquainted with yourself, with your own likes and dislikes, and to pursue those interests that matter to you.

A happy person, living a full, fulfilling life, engaged in both social and solitary activities about which they feel passionate or which bring them happiness and a happy outlook on life, is interesting to others. Such a person tends to attract friends and with the right person, a friendship can develop into companionship and more. But even more important, such a person is enjoying a happy and fulfilling life rather than putting life on hold. Not to say that you are putting life on hold... I am just musing here. So many people go through a grieving process after a break-up, and in essence they sometimes do put their lives on hold until it is over. It is important to grieve, but it is just as important to resume living and to leave the grief behind at some point.

There are so many things that I want to do in retirement. Have you tried making a list of interests that you really want to pursue, but haven't had time to follow up on? Most of the items on my list could be done just as easily if I were unattached. In your shoes, I would probably retire and start having a wonderful life, following my interests and passions.

If I was experiencing the aftermath of a breakup, I would require myself to spend part of every day (two hours?) around other people. An hour at the gym, and an hour doing something else like shopping, the library, or some sort of group activity like birdwatching or something else (depending on your interests). I would make up my mind that if I met someone, fine, but that my life was going to be great either way. Then I would take the steps that would make a great life my reality.

(Khan is right - - though Frank and I are a committed couple, we prefer to live alone. This gives us more solitary time, which we both enjoy immensely, and we get together when we both want to be together. Unconventional, I know, but it works for us.)
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Old 12-20-2008, 01:03 PM   #26
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I'm totally straight. There's nothing I like better than a great guy.
or you are a gay man trapped inside a woman's body. i would have to see the landscaping around your house to test that theory (as neither str8s nor lesbians ever seem to know what they're doing with a plant.)

masculinity isn't just sex. in many cultures it is associated with both confidence and control, so it is not odd that you might come off at first, in writing to strangers, as a man.
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Old 12-20-2008, 02:11 PM   #27
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or you are a gay man trapped inside a woman's body. i would have to see the landscaping around your house to test that theory (as neither str8s nor lesbians ever seem to know what they're doing with a plant.)
What is a gay woman trapped in a man's body?

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masculinity isn't just sex. in many cultures it is associated with both confidence and control, so it is not odd that you might come off at first, in writing to strangers, as a man.
If there is a slant to her writing it might have more to do with her professional experience. I thought the style was gender neutral.

It depends upon what you consider confidence and control and that can be misinterpreted by one culture looking at another. There is an island in Japan where the women do the labor and the men stay at home.
In Italy and even in some Latin American countries some might say that it is a male dominated society. However, women exert their influences in more subtle ways than someone from the USA might notice.

Even the idea of one sex having control over another is relatively a modern one - 800 years or so. One way of looking at it is a byproduct of the introduction of romantic love into the man/woman relationship. The gender roles became more stereotyped. Prior to the introduction of romantic love, men's and women's lives were more equal in most if not all aspects of life.

The idea of control or confidence of one sex over another, as you put it, really didn't take root until the industrial revolution and really after WWII when men dominated the workforce.
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Old 12-20-2008, 02:25 PM   #28
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a lumberjack with comfortable shoes.

to the rest of whatever that was, i did qualify my statement by saying "many cultures", acknowledging that it was ha & myself, being of similar culture, who both mistook the op's sex. my specific reference had to do with the op's attraction to, as she euphemistically put it, the "younger set", which by definition means she gets off with guys who have about a generation of less sexual experience than she. that would be the confidence and control to which i referred in trying to stay in tune with the thoughts of the original poster, though tangential or even extraneous explorations are always nice too, regardless of intent.
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Old 12-20-2008, 04:03 PM   #29
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Omni...I am sorry for the loss you have experienced.

I understand why you feel lonely as this has recently happened. How can a broken heart be healed...in my experience it takes time. I don't think that once we love someone we can ever forget what they brought to our life, nor do I believe we ever stop loving them...and I think that's the way it should be.

Given time, I believe you will think more of what you gave to the relationship. During this time, I believe you will find even more attributes of yourself that not only make a significant other happy, but what makes you happy.

Slow down and find yourself first. I believe people are attracted to others that show confidence and optimism.

There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Believe me, I know this feeling very well.
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Old 12-20-2008, 04:17 PM   #30
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I believe people are attracted to others that show confidence and optimism.
I guess I'm SOL.
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Old 12-20-2008, 04:20 PM   #31
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Take heart, Dawg. I'll bet there is a gal out there somewhere who can't resist guys with severely bruised foreheads...
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Old 12-20-2008, 04:53 PM   #32
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Take heart, Dawg. I'll bet there is a gal out there somewhere who can't resist guys with severely bruised foreheads...
Hmmmmm......could be worth a few bruises.

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Old 12-20-2008, 05:10 PM   #33
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Old 12-20-2008, 07:11 PM   #34
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I haven't posted in this forum for a relatively long time, but this thread struck my interest. I knew my 38 year marriage was failing before I even retired, and when I did retire at 57, retirement, separation and divorce all happened within an 18 month time period. I am still adjusting to my new single life (given my perceived/planned view of retirement 10 years ago was way different than what it is today in reality). While it has been 100% freedom to do exactly what I want with no commitments or responsibility and that has been enjoyable, it has also had its lonely moments. So I chose to get involved in 2 volunteer activities (volunteer Boards of non-profits), plus a weekly hike (or snowshoeing in winter) in an outdoor club, plus helping divorcee neighbours and a divorcee friend from work with everyday and other business problems. That has provided needed social interaction in my life.

Only in the last 4 months (relatively fresh off my divorce) have I found a new partner my age who has been divorced for many years. She still works 4 days per week so that structures the time we have (and don't have) together and it actually helps by allowing us to have our individual time, as well as together time. For now, we enjoy spending the weekends together and going to functions and events together. We will take each week and month, a week and a month at a time. Whether it works long term, only time will tell.

I think the key is to get involved in a few social/volunteer activities to get re-started in this next phase of life. Then perhaps try the Internet dating system, e.g. match.com or eharmony.com type of system, where preliminary matching/screening is done for you, and your profile is only seen by the system's matches (not there to be seen by millions of males/scabs from every corner of society). It works for people our age and I know of at least a few couples that met that way and are in multi-year relationships now.
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Old 12-21-2008, 10:12 AM   #35
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Then perhaps try the Internet dating system, e.g. match.com or eharmony.com type of system, where preliminary matching/screening is done for you, and your profile is only seen by the system's matches (not there to be seen by millions of males/scabs from every corner of society). It works for people our age and I know of at least a few couples that met that way and are in multi-year relationships now.
Of course, if my single female friends and acquaintances are to be believed, the toughest part of this is navigating through the minefield of married guys just looking for a little on the side, perhaps even lying about their marital status in so doing...
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Old 12-21-2008, 10:37 AM   #36
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Of course, if my single female friends and acquaintances are to be believed, the toughest part of this is navigating through the minefield of married guys just looking for a little on the side, perhaps even lying about their marital status in so doing...
One thing I haven't been able to get straight- if what you are after is a date, some fun, maybe an interesting evening, what is wrong with married men/women? One thing you know about a married person is that they are bearable to at least one person. Especially for people like some here who are very protective of their autonomy and privacy, nothing quite like a married lover to respect that!

Ha
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Old 12-21-2008, 12:28 PM   #37
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this is even a problem in the gay world, yes, with so-called str8 married guys. too annoying! when i was younger they used to come after me so frequently that in retrospect i wonder if i had nsa (no strings attached) printed on my forehead.

i did play with them when i was younger as then i had fun with just about everyone while in early exploration of myself. then somewhere along the line i developed a conscience in this regard. i realized two things and adjusted my behavior accordingly.

if a married guy is screwing around on the dl (down low) with me, then i become an accomplice to his deception. and even if he is playing with me on the um, up & up, then basically, she gets the house but all i get is d*ck. either way, he gets his rocks off but i just get shafted? no thank you. i wouldn't find that very satisfying and i suspect his wife isn't satisfied either. certainly he's not satisfied; he's just confused.
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Old 12-21-2008, 12:42 PM   #38
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One thing I haven't been able to get straight- if what you are after is a date, some fun, maybe an interesting evening, what is wrong with married men/women? One thing you know about a married person is that they are bearable to at least one person. Especially for people like some here who are very protective of their autonomy and privacy, nothing quite like a married lover to respect that!

Ha
Ha, you are thinking like old European aristocracy here. Have you seen the recent movie "The Duchess" with Keira Knightley and Ralph Fiennes?

I recently watched a doccumentary about the "other" other woman in Prince Charles' life (not Camilla, but an Australian called Dale Tryon). Camilla "won" in the end because she followed "the rules": once Charles married, hands off till the heir to the throne was delivered; once married herself, off limits till after the first child was born.

Bizarre!
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Old 12-21-2008, 12:44 PM   #39
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a lumberjack with comfortable shoes.

to the rest of whatever that was, i did qualify my statement by saying "many cultures", acknowledging that it was ha & myself, being of similar culture, who both mistook the op's sex. my specific reference had to do with the op's attraction to, as she euphemistically put it, the "younger set", which by definition means she gets off with guys who have about a generation of less sexual experience than she. that would be the confidence and control to which i referred in trying to stay in tune with the thoughts of the original poster, though tangential or even extraneous explorations are always nice too, regardless of intent.
Hey Lazy, just admit it, you were guilty of stereotyping just because she's an engineer!
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Old 12-21-2008, 12:58 PM   #40
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my ol'man was an engineer. i have a completely different subset of stereotyping reserved for them.
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