Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-06-2006, 05:28 PM   #21
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,380
Re: Too much togetherness

Quote:
Originally Posted by shiny
Another Buddist teaching comes in handy in marriages/relationships: Letting go of your ego. Alot of us type A's identify ourselves with being right and in control all the time. If we could just learn to go with the flow more and not dwell on being right all the time then we could all be happier in general and with our spouses in particular.
Shiny, you are so right. Get a couple of control freaks together and the situation quickly gets tense, or comical if you can see it that way.

Neither I nor my wife has ever worked in a hierarchy. We are used to making our own decisions. For some reason, when we were rearing children we naturally fell into a comfortable division of domains. When the kids moved out, that became less stable.

Ha
__________________

__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is online now   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-06-2006, 05:54 PM   #22
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Brat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 5,913
Re: Too much togetherness

I recall going to a retirement planning program hosted by my former employer, the presenter (from OPM) said that retirement is a major stressor on marriages.

Over all these years each of you had a sphere that you 'owned', now she may feel that you will be in her sphere. I recall that my Mother retired because when she came home at the end of the workday Dad had made a mess of the house. In the past his space was the yard, basement and garage. Now he was meddling in her territory and she needed to defend it.

How about finding a family counselor (maybe there is one who is associated with your employer) to talk about this next phase of your life.
__________________

__________________
Duck bjorn.
Brat is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-06-2006, 07:26 PM   #23
Recycles dryer sheets
perinova's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 424
Re: Too much togetherness

Quote:
Originally Posted by mathjak107
i can see her point.......

boy there are some sicko's out there
i agree with you. this guy was nuts... warm beer... ugh.
__________________
perinova is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-06-2006, 07:49 PM   #24
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,072
Re: Too much togetherness

Professor,

Your post hit a chord with me - I've found out through experience that having the right person with you is more important the money. The stress and strain on you (as well as them, sometimes) can shorten your life, make you resentful, unhappy and possibly mean to the other people around you. The sense of relief I had once I removed myself from an unhealthy relationship was enormous...I also vowed I would never get seriously involved again...fast forward a few years - I believe I've found someone who is a great partner who shares my goals and values...so much so that I am willing to forgo my (at times very ambitious) career goals to quit and follow him---and he would do the same for me. We enjoy 'just being together.' What a difference - it was worth it (lost a bit of money ending the previous relationship). Plus, you can make the money up quickly if you put your mid to it.

As the others said, go to counseling to see if this is worth staying. In the end it is truly up to you and what you want in life. For a zenlike saying: it's not about you but it's all about you....how someone reacts to you many times isn't about you, but how you react is about you....

Regards - Deserat
__________________
Deserat aka Bridget
“We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.” - George Orwell/Winston Churchill
deserat is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-06-2006, 08:07 PM   #25
Recycles dryer sheets
perinova's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 424
Re: Too much togetherness

Professor
An optimistic comment:
Did you notice that many here have said that their relationship(s) improved dramatically after retirement due to overall decrease in job related stress.
If you are not that far from ER you might want ot try a prolonged sabatical and see how it works? Certainly better financially than a divorce. And reversible too!
PN
__________________
perinova is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 03:45 AM   #26
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
BigMoneyJim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: DFW
Posts: 2,627
Re: Too much togetherness

I've heard from time to time of couples that have seperate sleeping quarters and even separate housing. I used to think the idea was odd, but now I'm seeing more cases where I wonder if it might be a good idea after all. Don't we all need our own space?

At 36 and never having been married I expect to run into sharing problems if I ever do get married. It's a hypothetical exercise for me, but I sometimes wonder about splitting a duplex, having an attic office/abode over a garage, having a big barn/manhome in the back yard or something similar where I have my own space, my own music, my own junk, my own socks on the floor. Especially after I retire.
__________________
BigMoneyJim is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 04:32 AM   #27
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Duesseldorf, Germany
Posts: 1,004
Re: Too much togetherness

Full support to the advice of getting good counselling asap.

And then: what do you mean by "I'm not about to split hard-earned assets"?
Did you earn all these allone? Did your wife not contribute to earning them and keeping them together? If she was the homekeeper, wasn't this by common agreement? She probably earned a fair share of it by hard work.

Consider that often a wife decides to get a divorce just around retirement age. Kids are out, assets are collected and can be counted, future income is predictable.
She will not be alone as her friends are retiring at that age, too, and have time to spend with her.
So improve your relationship or get out.

What you say is (in my ears) "I would rather be unhappy for the rest of my life and make my wife unhappy, too, than to split assets and make the best of what remains from money and life." It is so sad.
__________________
chris2008 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 09:30 AM   #28
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
ladelfina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,713
Re: Too much togetherness

Quote:
Rather than look at what it might cost you to exit this relationship, Professor, can you ask yourself what you would PAY to meet the love of your life and live together with her for the rest of your life? How much would that be worth?
Caroline, this is a GREAT way to look at it.. Kinda similar to what I say to my Italian relatives who are amazed that I don't have an armored door or urban-shop-style roll-down grates over all the windows of my house. "What would it cost to replace everything in the house if thieves came in?.. Now, is that a figure you would pay to stay OUT of 'jail'?" [Guys, you cannot imagine how depressing it is to barricade yourself in at night and wake up with no natural light anywhere in the house, no matter the weather or time of day... but this, to them, is "normal."]

I know when DH has time to hang around the house, we are not the most comfortable, not because we don't love each other, but because he's really at a loss for what to do. I have to be "the general" (his words) and give him tasks, but that's not really my style, and we have different rhythms in the 3-legged race that is married life. When he's out of semi-retirement, which is whenever he feels like not working outside anymore, we'll have to start "working on that" but for the forseeable future I think for his own happiness he'll need to maintain an outside gig of some kind, even if it is unpaid. He thrives on structure.
__________________
ladelfina is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 11:31 AM   #29
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,380
Re: Too much togetherness

Quote:
Originally Posted by chris2008
Consider that often a wife decides to get a divorce just around retirement age. Kids are out, assets are collected and can be counted, future income is predictable.
She will not be alone as her friends are retiring at that age, too, and have time to spend with her.
So improve your relationship or get out.
"Sugar and spice and everything nice" indeed!
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is online now   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 12:11 PM   #30
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
kcowan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Pacific latitude 20/49
Posts: 5,705
Send a message via Skype™ to kcowan
Re: Too much togetherness

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor
So my question is: If any of you are in my same boat, how do you cope and get along? Divorce is not an option as we live in a community property state and I'm not about to split hard-earned assets, no matter what.
...
Bit the bullet in 1995: 50% of everything to DW. Then met another divorcee. Got together and share 50-50. Much happier and about as well off financially. (Well now but was down for a few years!)

At the time, I had many conversations with friends who think like Professor. They are still serving life sentences. Not for me...life is about making the tough decisions (or taking the fork in the road).
__________________
For the fun of it...Keith
kcowan is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 12:43 PM   #31
Recycles dryer sheets
JonnyM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Modesto
Posts: 334
Send a message via AIM to JonnyM Send a message via Yahoo to JonnyM
Re: Too much togetherness

I agree that Caroline nailed it. Too many couples we see and talk to out there in the big bad world have just "settled" and we find that so sad. DW and I both gave up pretty much everything to be together 15 years ago. Except and little did we realize in our 30's the one thing we did keep, was going to be our salvation for FIRE, namely we both kept our retirement system accounts intact and untouched. I actually had to pay and Actuary to place a value on mine, and it cost me all my house equity in trade, at that time about 40 thousand dollars, which seemed like a gazillion, but Whoa Boy did I end up making a good deal there. In the end current and forever always DW and I combined similar retirement accounts to double up our final FIRE income as Ex had no interest in working until after the split, and I expect (KIMH) she would have happily lived off "my" retirement. Of course in her world view, that would be only after I worked another 10 YEARS! Oh the horror of it all, avoided by doing what felt right to pursue true happiness.

What I'm saying is in the nutshell, it would have been worth any price to be with my soul-mate, and it's easy to see 15 years later that I chose wisely grasshopper, and as a bonus we both lucked out big time and were able to FIRE together where we probably would not have been able to separately, certainly not at age 50.
__________________
It's about the music
JonnyM is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 01:10 PM   #32
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 183
Re: Too much togetherness

Quote:
Originally Posted by chris2008


Consider that often a wife decides to get a divorce just around retirement age. Kids are out, assets are collected and can be counted, future income is predictable.
She will not be alone as her friends are retiring at that age, too, and have time to spend with her.
So improve your relationship or get out.
This time is also menopause time. You never really know if you are talking/ arguing with your wife or her hormones.......Shredder
__________________
Shredder is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 01:17 PM   #33
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 443
Re: Too much togetherness

i agree with many responese here. this is a case of money OVER happiness. i am so sorry to hear about your situation but if i were in your situation i would do the following thing

1) seperate room and occasionally sex is good
2) be together when you have companies or at a party so that u can talk to others too
3) ask her if you can "do" things with her once every two week and you will do the same for her. for ex. tennis everyother tuesday for her and bowling everyother thursday for u.
4) last, keep busy and communicate, comunicate...

last last option, get a girlfriend on a side if she let you.

enuff

__________________
Enuff2Eat is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 02:15 PM   #34
Full time employment: Posting here.
shiny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 673
Re: Too much togetherness

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enuff2Eat
last last option, get a girlfriend on a side if she let you.
I realize that we often get away from our simple living, LBYM roots here on the Early Retirment Forum, but geez. A girlfriend (or boyfriend for that matter) on the side sounds anathema to getting to FIRE to me. (And it will NOT help you to keep your assets in a divorce proceeding either!!)
__________________
I'm made of atoms, you're made of atoms, and we're all in this together. Ben Lee
shiny is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 04:57 PM   #35
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 2,119
Re: Too much togetherness

Quote:
Originally Posted by shiny
I realize that we often get away from our simple living, LBYM roots here on the Early Retirment Forum, but geez. A girlfriend (or boyfriend for that matter) on the side sounds anathema to getting to FIRE to me. (And it will NOT help you to keep your assets in a divorce proceeding either!!)

Ain't dat the truth!
__________________
newguy88 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 08:39 PM   #36
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Okanagan Valley
Posts: 805
Re: Too much togetherness

Quote:
Originally Posted by BigMoneyJim
I've heard from time to time of couples that have seperate sleeping quarters and even separate housing. I used to think the idea was odd, but now I'm seeing more cases where I wonder if it might be a good idea after all. Don't we all need our own space?
Separate housing is not as rare as one might think. DW and I know of a few such situations and it seems to work for them. There is an element that each is 'there' in times of crisis, e.g. family crisis, health crisis, etc. while most of the time, each lives their separate lives. The key downside of that though would be the lack of daily companionship and togetherness that could have been potentially obtained in a relationship with a 'new' individual.
__________________
AltaRed is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 08:44 PM   #37
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Brat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 5,913
Re: Too much togetherness

Divorce is rarely an economic winner for either party. Better to try to find accomodation.
__________________
Duck bjorn.
Brat is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 09:32 PM   #38
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 195
Re: Too much togetherness

I don't totally buy into the idea of counseling, as being the salvation. For it to work, both parties have to be totally agreeable, to try to make it work. You really, have to Want --- to make it work! I f, you can't make that committment, you're wasting your time! Counselors, will have suggestions but, --No Magic Wand.

How do you find a good counselor? I have no idea. Just find one, you're comfortable in talking with. It will take time and money. If, You Both, feel the need and Both want it to work, you could probably work it out , on your own.

I wish you the best!
__________________
Sundance Kid is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 09:47 PM   #39
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 105
Send a message via Yahoo to OkieTexan
Re: Too much togetherness

It always saddens me to hear about marriage difficulties at a time in life when we expect to be realizing our dreams and celebrating our accomplishments. However, as Caroline said, it can be an eye-opener and lead to a better life ahead. Only you and the DW can decide the right path. I wish you both well.

I went through a divorce in 1989. It was painful; but it was the right thing to do.
Reading through the posts made me think of the famous palimony lawyer

Marvin Mitchelson (1928-2004)

Look him up on Wikipedia. It is a short; but interesting article. One of his favorite lines to use on famous actresses seeking divorce:

Actress: Why is a divorce so expensive?
MM: Because it is worth it!

As in the article about Mitchelson, life is full of ironies. None of us really knows how it will turn out!

Back in 1989, I never expected to be FIRED at this time in my life and never thought I would be happily married again. I was wrong about both!



__________________
OkieTexan
OkieTexan is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Too much togetherness
Old 12-07-2006, 11:14 PM   #40
Recycles dryer sheets
Linney's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 262
Re: Too much togetherness

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundance Kid
I don't totally buy into the idea of counseling, as being the salvation. For it to work, both parties have to be totally agreeable, to try to make it work. You really, have to Want --- to make it work! I f, you can't make that committment, you're wasting your time!
True, but as long as the Professor has the commitment he can indeed get something out of it. My ex and I went in for divorce marriage counselling. When we started the process, I was saying "It's all his fault" and he was saying "It's all her fault".

When the process was said and done, my ex was still saying "It's all her fault". But I now understood how the actions that I chose to take contributed to the problems of the marriage, and I now said "It was both of our faults". When I remarried later, I went in with eyes a bit more wide open and a resolve not to repeat the communication mistakes I had made in the past. My current marriage of 10 years has greatly benefited from that.

If you go into counselling with the goal to better understand yourself, your spouse, and what your needs are, then the chance for success is greater. Even if the result is not what you anticipated when you started.

Good luck Professor. You're in a tough spot and you have my sympathies.
__________________

__________________
Linney is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Deeded Togetherness. Or Who Really Owns This Place? BUM Other topics 30 07-31-2007 09:07 AM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 01:16 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.