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Old 07-14-2014, 08:53 PM   #61
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IIRC RichInTampa er by the bay once noted that in terminal illness the noise and interference by relatives is directly proportional to the distance they live from the patient.

My experience is that in death the least caring in life make the most noise and want the most goodies.
My personal experience has been the opposite. I live abroad and my Father, who has Alzheimers, lives with my sister's family. I tried my best to communicate with her, but she would usually say she never received my emails, etc. I called her often to enquire about Dad, but, if I didn't make the effort, there was no communication.

I returned home for one year to help her care for Dad, but she usually found fault with my efforts and was reluctant to share information concerning medications and daily activities.

Some times the ones nearest the cared for person are controlling -and while they like to complain- are difficult to assist.

Just a different perspective...
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Old 07-14-2014, 09:23 PM   #62
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My personal experience has been the opposite. I live abroad and my Father, who has Alzheimers, lives with my sister's family. I tried my best to communicate with her, but she would usually say she never received my emails, etc. I called her often to enquire about Dad, but, if I didn't make the effort, there was no communication.

I returned home for one year to help her care for Dad, but she usually found fault with my efforts and was reluctant to share information concerning medications and daily activities.

Some times the ones nearest the cared for person are controlling -and while they like to complain- are difficult to assist.
Sounds just like my sister with my grandmother.

Summer before grandma passed on, sister came back in town for about 2 months. Stayed with grandma. Was supposed to take the place of the 'help' that they had just hired for her to help with light cleaning and meal assist. Of course, sister left in the morning, and was gone all day, and just conveniently came back each night at 6pm when grandma already had dinner made.

"Oh, I would have done that grandma, you didn't have to cook!".

Of course, she knew grandma would rather pull her own tooth out than wait on someone to make her dinner, or wash her laundry.

And when I did the duties of the executor for her estate and e-mailed my sister various spreadsheets of items in the estate to express an interest in, or financial summaries, she somehow never received those multiple e-mails, either. Perhaps our sisters use the same e-mail provider?

And, similarly, whenever said sister comes in town, she makes a big production out of never hearing from me. I seem to have forgotten about that executive order whereby the NSA has blocked all outgoing phone calls and e-mails from her phone to me, and only I am able to initiate the communication...
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Old 07-15-2014, 02:08 AM   #63
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And when I did the duties of the executor for her estate and e-mailed my sister various spreadsheets of items in the estate to express an interest in, or financial summaries, she somehow never received those multiple e-mails, either. Perhaps our sisters use the same e-mail provider?
I hear you MooreBonds.

I know what happened, my sister never "added" me to her safe sender's list, so my messages to her were going to her junk/spam folder and she never bothered to check there. I tried to suggest that to her but she became defensive and informed that she was fully up to speed on computers and email. I had a quiet word with my nephew and he showed her how to check that folder (if she didn't actually know...)

My sister made several unilateral decisions, i.e, convincing Mom and Dad to set up a modular home next to her house, but never granted the parent's any lease or right's of ownership with respect to the land. I only found out after the fact and I wonder if she wasn't receiving my emails "on purpose." My sister is my parent's executor.

With all the communications technology now freely available, its never been easier to keep in touch- if you actually want to...
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Old 07-15-2014, 10:23 AM   #64
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Wow, lot of amazing selfishness in people's actions (I guess I would have to get it down to being selfish as the reason).

In case of my parent's estate which I am the trustee, I had open book and showed my two sisters what was there financially; and fortunately the division of the non-monetary stuff was no hassles. Money was easy, 1/3 each kid. Since we all had our own houses and did not need much, plus all lived out of state away from parent's location, we gave a lot away to charity. I am glad that all of the estate stuff will be finished this year, not because of hassles, but being able to close that chapter out.
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Old 07-15-2014, 04:55 PM   #65
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I have also seen this in action. What I have seen is a litany of complaints about how hard the caregiving job is, combined with a rebuff of any but the most general inquiries about the person under care. The strain of caring can bring out the worst in folks. There are few harder jobs, and sad to say, fewer of us who are entirely "up to it."

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M
I returned home for one year to help her care for Dad, but she usually found fault with my efforts and was reluctant to share information concerning medications and daily activities.

Some times the ones nearest the cared for person are controlling -and while they like to complain- are difficult to assist.

.
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Old 07-15-2014, 05:15 PM   #66
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But bottom line - it isn't any of my business so I'm keeping my mouth shut, but I had to vent or I would have exploded! Thank you for your time, now back to the regularly scheduled program.
There ya go! I'm happy to listen and pleased as heck to see you're smart enough to understand this is none, not a bit, not a tiny bit, of your business. Congrats on getting it! Few do.
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Old 07-15-2014, 10:29 PM   #67
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Wow, lot of amazing selfishness in people's actions (I guess I would have to get it down to being selfish as the reason).

In case of my parent's estate which I am the trustee, I had open book and showed my two sisters what was there financially; and fortunately the division of the non-monetary stuff was no hassles. Money was easy, 1/3 each kid. Since we all had our own houses and did not need much, plus all lived out of state away from parent's location, we gave a lot away to charity. I am glad that all of the estate stuff will be finished this year, not because of hassles, but being able to close that chapter out.
Good for you for sharing the information willingly. I know there are some heirs that are unreasonable under any circumstances but refusing to share information will usually cause resentment.
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Old 07-16-2014, 12:34 PM   #68
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Good for you for sharing the information willingly. I know there are some heirs that are unreasonable under any circumstances but refusing to share information will usually cause resentment.
Agreed. When my widowed mom died, my oldest brother basically absorbed all her assets. Have not seen the prick for 40 years.
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Old 07-16-2014, 12:37 PM   #69
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Have not seen the prick for 40 years.
Have you considered losing some weight?
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Old 07-16-2014, 12:40 PM   #70
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Have you considered losing some weight?
LOL
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Old 07-16-2014, 12:42 PM   #71
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Have you considered losing some weight?
To quote Shel Silverstein, "The wife told me when I could see my own ****, she'd be glad to look at it too..."
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Old 07-16-2014, 01:25 PM   #72
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Agreed. When my widowed mom died, my oldest brother basically absorbed all her assets. Have not seen the prick for 40 years.

Wow, do you have other siblings who have ignored him, too? Did your mom not have a will/trust? Just curious.
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Old 07-16-2014, 01:39 PM   #73
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Wow, do you have other siblings who have ignored him, too? Did your mom not have a will/trust? Just curious.
She had a will since if she didn't do one herself the state she lived in wrote one for her.
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Old 07-16-2014, 02:12 PM   #74
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Wow, do you have other siblings who have ignored him, too? Did your mom not have a will/trust? Just curious.
All other siblings have written him off. Later learned he abused sister. No will, and other sibs were young, broke and distant. Ya don't pick your relatives.
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Old 07-16-2014, 03:21 PM   #75
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All other siblings have written him off. Later learned he abused sister. No will, and other sibs were young, broke and distant. Ya don't pick your relatives.
Yeah, there usually is one in large family. I have a brother who pissed off everyone - mom, dad, siblings, relatives - and no longer in contact with any family/relative members. He has a narcissistic personality disorder and believes everyone else is shunning him for no reason.
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Old 07-17-2014, 10:12 PM   #76
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Funny how the further away the BIL/SIL lives, the more expert they are at how things should be done for FIL/MIL.
My experience, exactly...and why i advise my DH to be careful with his words/"advice". We are 1500 miles away from his dad (90 yo). If we are not there to help as/when needed, stay quiet.

No matter how we do not like what is going on. Get up there and take care of it or shut up.
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Old 07-17-2014, 10:38 PM   #77
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To quote Shel Silverstein, "The wife told me when I could see my own ****, she'd be glad to look at it too..."
Big fan of Shel...never knew he said that. LOVE it!....Now, to work it into a conversation...
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Old 07-18-2014, 08:30 AM   #78
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Lisa-sorry for the loss of your MIL and the drama that came with it.

When my mom passed dad did give me her jewelry (what little she had) without asking my brother if he wanted it. I had a piece set aside for him, but, with a son with addiction issues I now only have one piece left that I will give to my other son to use as an engagement ring down the road. I talked to our DD about this in length to be sure she would not be upset as she is the girl. Now dad has a live in and we have been informed there is nothing to leave us. So the talk is coming where Brother and I have to say okay so is funeral pre-payed, etc.? We don't care about the money but as we are moving out of state soon I would like details so that my brother isn't left with a mess.

In DH family is all drama all the time. I was fortunate that he bought my engagement ring without telling his mother. BIL not so smart so SIL got the grandmother diamond. His 4 sisters went ballistic and Christmas completely ruined. Years later MIL has asked everyone write their name on what they want. His sisters ran through the house like mad women. We didn't assign ourselves to anything, neither did BIL and SIL. We have our own stuff and don't want theirs. Problem with that is his mothers guilt and every time we visit we get to bring home "Stuff". We did get his grandmothers china and crystal. He took care of her in his late teen years and she made sure it went to him. Not without resentment from MIL and the sisters. His folks will leave a decent inheritance for all the kids which we have decided to put into trust when the time comes for our children to help them down the road.

Family is scary business and the few friends I have with just truly great family relationships I am always so jealous.
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Old 07-18-2014, 09:01 AM   #79
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Trust is so hard to come by.

Family- Two brothers, two sisters.

One brother... the most conscientious, passes away, but had the foresight to prepare an ironclad will, with the lawyer recommended by his bank, who would also be the executor, to avoid any hard feelings among the heirs. the inheritance "split" was to be equal... three ways.
So far,so good. A simple will, all debts paid. Nothing pending.

#1. Bank lawyer... Delay, delay , delay.... for 2 1/2 years. $1Million in liquid assets held by the bank but giving interest @2% when the market (even money markets) was paying 7% to8%.

#2. Surviving brother was a friend of the lawyer, and would inherit the home, value to be included in the monetary settlement. He was also a friend of the real estate appraiser who valued the home @ $130K, even though the deceased brother had paid more than $300K three years before.

#3. One sister was ascribed the mahogany bedroom set which was 1 year old... and for which deceased brother had paid $1500... Assessed at $5000 for ascribing estate $value (remember... to be evenly split).

#4. Automobile ascribed to other sister... three years old. Book value $10,000, assessed @ $19,000.

much more, but if you do the math, you can see where the "even split" would end up, and the importance of the executor/lawyer... especially one affiliated with a bank.
..........................................
We stood on the sidelines, and watched in horror.
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Old 07-18-2014, 09:23 AM   #80
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#1 - time to question him on eternal delay with the possibility of getting a lawyer to speed the other lawyer forward. There's always official complaints.

#2 - demand a second, independent appraisal.

#3 - decline furniture. Exclude for calculations.

#4 - decline auto. Exclude for calculations.

Your brother is a pig. Ignore him after this is over.

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Trust is so hard to come by.

Family- Two brothers, two sisters.

One brother... the most conscientious, passes away, but had the foresight to prepare an ironclad will, with the lawyer recommended by his bank, who would also be the executor, to avoid any hard feelings among the heirs. the inheritance "split" was to be equal... three ways.
So far,so good. A simple will, all debts paid. Nothing pending.

#1. Bank lawyer... Delay, delay , delay.... for 2 1/2 years. $1Million in liquid assets held by the bank but giving interest @2% when the market (even money markets) was paying 7% to8%.

#2. Surviving brother was a friend of the lawyer, and would inherit the home, value to be included in the monetary settlement. He was also a friend of the real estate appraiser who valued the home @ $130K, even though the deceased brother had paid more than $300K three years before.

#3. One sister was ascribed the mahogany bedroom set which was 1 year old... and for which deceased brother had paid $1500... Assessed at $5000 for ascribing estate $value (remember... to be evenly split).

#4. Automobile ascribed to other sister... three years old. Book value $10,000, assessed @ $19,000.

much more, but if you do the math, you can see where the "even split" would end up, and the importance of the executor/lawyer... especially one affiliated with a bank.
..........................................
We stood on the sidelines, and watched in horror.
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