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Old 07-18-2014, 09:27 AM   #81
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After reading some of these horror stories, it's probably just easier to tell your parents that you don't want anything other than the love they have always given you, and perhaps some of their rapidly dwindling time on this earth to spend with them. The rest is just stuff. Love and the memories are more valuable than gold.

All reminds me of the Toad the Wet Sprocket song "Walk on the Ocean"

Back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people don't know you
And trust is a joke
We don't even have pictures
Just memories to hold
grows sweeter each season
as we slowly grow old

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Old 07-18-2014, 10:32 AM   #82
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After reading some of these horror stories, it's probably just easier to tell your parents that you don't want anything other than the love they have always given you, and perhaps some of their rapidly dwindling time on this earth to spend with them. The rest is just stuff. Love and the memories are more valuable than gold.
^^^ Probably some of the best advice in this thread so far.
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Old 07-19-2014, 11:48 AM   #83
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^^^ Probably some of the best advice in this thread so far.
Agreed!
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Old 07-19-2014, 12:06 PM   #84
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Trust is so hard to come by.

Family- Two brothers, two sisters.


..........................................
We stood on the sidelines, and watched in horror.
Oops... not my family... but best friend...
We had no inheritance except for 8K from MIL... and very grateful for that!
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Old 07-22-2014, 09:36 AM   #85
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Big fan of Shel...never knew he said that. LOVE it!....Now, to work it into a conversation...
Think I have an mp3 version of an old cassette tape recording from way back, buried on the hard drive at home. But here's a slightly sanitized version by Bobby Bare; no version by Shel on youtube...
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Old 07-27-2014, 02:34 PM   #86
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Oh gosh, I have seen some of this. DH's family had one fly in the ointment, the only sister who believed because she was the girl, should get any belongings she wanted - including expensive jewelry. DH picked out a few inexpensive pieces (topaz) as it is his daughter's birthstone. The sister went postal over these inexpensive pieces - for years. Now she is passing the jewelry on to DH's daughters (sister had no kids) and looking like the good guy. haha She even gave a piece of her mom's jewelry to my DH's EX-wife. The Ex had enough sense to pass it on immediately to one of the daughters.

My sister has issues around money - she has plenty, but is the kind of person who will pick up a 1.19 item for you and give it to you with an adding machine tape attached to remind you to pay her back. So when my mom had dementia and most of the care fell to her (she has never worked, and was local) she paid herself to visit her. She paid her kids to visit too....it made my husband mad. My mom had a trust so it was all pretty easy when she died but my sister asked me for 18K (in cash not reported) for managing he estate. My DH was super angry - I told her I would send her 5K. She had already kept a lot of stuff and not included it in the valuation of the estate like my mom's car, jewelry, etc.
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Old 07-28-2014, 01:04 PM   #87
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Oh gosh, I have seen some of this. DH's family had one fly in the ointment, the only sister who believed because she was the girl, should get any belongings she wanted - including expensive jewelry. DH picked out a few inexpensive pieces (topaz) as it is his daughter's birthstone. The sister went postal over these inexpensive pieces - for years. Now she is passing the jewelry on to DH's daughters (sister had no kids) and looking like the good guy. haha She even gave a piece of her mom's jewelry to my DH's EX-wife. The Ex had enough sense to pass it on immediately to one of the daughters.

My sister has issues around money - she has plenty, but is the kind of person who will pick up a 1.19 item for you and give it to you with an adding machine tape attached to remind you to pay her back. So when my mom had dementia and most of the care fell to her (she has never worked, and was local) she paid herself to visit her. She paid her kids to visit too....it made my husband mad. My mom had a trust so it was all pretty easy when she died but my sister asked me for 18K (in cash not reported) for managing he estate. My DH was super angry - I told her I would send her 5K. She had already kept a lot of stuff and not included it in the valuation of the estate like my mom's car, jewelry, etc.
You do have to wonder why so many people are fixated on "fairness" that they'll alienate family members over a few dollars (or few pieces of inexpensive jewelry). I suspect that it has more to do with childhood memories (i.e., repressed feelings) over being treated poorly decades earlier. Once someone passes away, the decedent can't control what happens to their stuff, so it's open season to remedy some ancient grudge - one that NO ONE remembers (if it ever happened at all).

To quote WOPR (aka Joshua) from Wargames - "A strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
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Old 07-28-2014, 01:54 PM   #88
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My sister has issues around money - she has plenty, but is the kind of person who will pick up a 1.19 item for you and give it to you with an adding machine tape attached to remind you to pay her back.
There are people who do others "favors" and will expect to be returned the favors. The problem with some of them ... they don't remember how small (or even unwanted) their favor was and expect a lot more in return as if they deserved it. One of my siblings is like that.

This thread reminds me of 2013 movie, Nebraska.
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Old 07-30-2014, 09:34 AM   #89
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You do have to wonder why so many people are fixated on "fairness" that they'll alienate family members over a few dollars (or few pieces of inexpensive jewelry). I suspect that it has more to do with childhood memories (i.e., repressed feelings) over being treated poorly decades earlier. Once someone passes away, the decedent can't control what happens to their stuff, so it's open season to remedy some ancient grudge - one that NO ONE remembers (if it ever happened at all).

To quote WOPR (aka Joshua) from Wargames - "A strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
This totally makes sense to me now that you said this. DH was always mom's favorite, but only because he was a very sick child growing up (severe asthma and allergies requiring a lot of hospitalization). I can see how his sister was annoyed by this. It was stupid though, they did not talk for 10 years over these topaz pieces. And in fact, sister threatened OlderBrother with taking DH to court to get these pieces back. She didn't of course.

One thing I learned when we set up our trust is to earmark in documentation exactly who gets what.
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Old 07-30-2014, 09:38 AM   #90
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There are people who do others "favors" and will expect to be returned the favors. The problem with some of them ... they don't remember how small (or even unwanted) their favor was and expect a lot more in return as if they deserved it. One of my siblings is like that.

This thread reminds me of 2013 movie, Nebraska.
I have not seen that movie, I need to. My sister has personality disorder, for some reason she feels she is always the one doing what others want, when none of use feels she is. Honestly, I would have no contact with her if not for the fact that she is all I have left and I want to be involved with my nephews.
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Old 07-30-2014, 10:02 AM   #91
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Sometimes these span generations. My DF, Uncle were upset because their sister(an Aunt I never got to really know) inherited some prime property.

DM, DF wishes were to divide their estate equally between their children. This was fine until the last year DF wanted to give one sister more as she was the care giver. When the caregiving sister heard of his plan she refused "I'm not playing our Aunt". The rest of the siblings would have been fine, but there was no way she was replaying the last generations mistakes. I'm grateful for the siblings I have.

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Old 07-30-2014, 10:27 AM   #92
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Sometimes these span generations. My DF, Uncle were upset because their sister(an Aunt I never got to really know) inherited some prime property.

DM, DF wishes were to divide their estate equally between their children. This was fine until the last year DF wanted to give one sister more as she was the care giver. When the caregiving sister heard of his plan she refused "I'm not playing our Aunt". The rest of the siblings would have been fine, but there was no way she was replaying the last generations mistakes. I'm grateful for the siblings I have.

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I would support the case for compensation for the caregiver. My DW was the caregiver for her parents. SIL was full of advice but wouldn't inconvenience herself to do anything except visit occasionally. My wife quit her job to be available and do what needed to be done. The estate was split equally except we took a few more pieces of their furniture than SIL. The pieces weren't worth very much. Most possessions were sold in an estate sale.

My sisters were the caregivers to my parents. I was in no position to be as involved as they were. Neither gave up paid employment but I know they ran themselves ragged in the final months. They were more concerned about me getting a share of the "stuff" with my brothers sacking the condo like the old furniture was worth anything. The little bit of money was split evenly. My one sister did appropriate the 10 year old car my father had. Her 14 year old car died during the caregiving and she doesn't make very much. I would have wacked my brothers on the head if any of them said anything about it being "unfair."

If your aunt's "prime property" was for compensation for caregiving, it's not a problem to me. If the parents felt she needed "more" to make up for a poor financial situation, then it's more open to discussion. If the aunt manipulated for her "prime property," it makes sense for the brothers to be pissed.

As for history, I was told about my great-great grandmother changing her will on her death bed leaving it all to her youngest (lawyer) son. He drew up the will and had her sign it. It was supposedly a significant estate. The will disenherited the other nine siblings. Even after all this time, the story gets told again.
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Old 07-30-2014, 12:23 PM   #93
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I think compensating caregivers is critical and only fair.
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