What issues arise when one spouse keeps w*rking?

[AboutThere]

DW and I both have hard-driving career positions - the kind with no "off" hours. I'm 4 years older and looking at starting to dial it back to PT in a year.

At that point she'll be in her early 50s and in the prime of her career. In her field people often w*rk into their 60s, which is highly uncommon in my field. I will basically be forced into a PT, lower-paying gig after next Fall.

So, for a few years I'll be working 20 hours a week as a greeter at W-Mart (or whatever) and she'll still be pushing hard every day

I have a wide range of hobbies and can't wait to go PT - after 40 years of busting my a** I'm ready to fish, golf, read, exercise, etc.

We have one child, who is FI and out of the house, no GC (yet).

Obviously, I'll be doing the cleaning and laundry and cooking and trying to make her life easier - but what issues will come up with one of my relaxing and one of us still slugging it out in the w*rkforce?

Appreciate any tips and thoughts.

[REWahoo]

This has been a frequent topic of discussion. Try a Google forum search for "one spouse retires" to find other threads on the subject - like this one:http://www.early-retirement.org/foru...ple-85738.html

[Aerides]

A lot depends on your individual situation and personalities. Regardless of what her field does, what does she want to do? How ready are you both for RE financially...or are you going to be dependent on her to cross the finish line?

If she dislikes her job but feels now obligated to stay full time to meet your financial goals, that could be very uncomfortable. If she feels trapped and you're not, etc.

If, however, she loves being hard-driving, and climbing the career ladder, etc., less to worry about. Your plan to take on the house burden side of things is a good one, and to make sure your "relaxing" is not the first thing she notices when she comes home at the end of the day.

I know there are plenty of men who will come along and say "double standard!!! we wouldn't even worry if DW was going PT!" But reality is we are wired a little differently, even if only by tradition and culture. I know myself quite well, and while I was ok for DH to go PT a year before we both fully RE'd, I know that would not be ok if it was 5 or 10 years. The partnership would, at some point, feel lopsided and strained.

Time for a good long chat with DW. If she is anything other than emphatically ok with the idea, there's your answer.

[AboutThere]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aerides A lot depends on your individual situation and personalities. Regardless of what her field does, what does she want to do? How ready are you both for RE financially...or are you going to be dependent on her to cross the finish line? If she dislikes her job but feels now obligated to stay full time to meet your financial goals, that could be very uncomfortable. If she feels trapped and you're not, etc. If, however, she loves being hard-driving, and climbing the career ladder, etc., less to worry about. Your plan to take on the house burden side of things is a good one, and to make sure your "relaxing" is not the first thing she notices when she comes home at the end of the day. I know there are plenty of men who will come along and say "double standard!!! we wouldn't even worry if DW was going PT!" But reality is we are wired a little differently, even if only by tradition and culture. I know myself quite well, and while I was ok for DH to go PT a year before we both fully RE'd, I know that would not be ok if it was 5 or 10 years. The partnership would, at some point, feel lopsided and strained. Time for a good long chat with DW. If she is anything other than emphatically ok with the idea, there's your answer.

Good insights - one twist for us is that I basically won't have the option of being a large wage-earner - I'm going to "age out" of my field and my skills aren't transferable. I am trying to position myself for PT consulting but I might end up with very few options. We will discuss things, but it's likely this situation will be our reality in a year or so.

She likes her career currently but who knows about the future.

In short, this might not be by choice re: my career. So I expect issues to arise but can't foresee what those might be.

[Sunset]

I'm sure she will like the cooking and laundry done when she gets home.
It helps if the person working phones if going to be late getting home , otherwise supper is cold.

You may find you are longing for a trip, and it won't fit her work schedule.
I know one couple, where the wife really resented working 2 more years, while hubby was on vacation for the summer at the cottage. She still feels anger about it, even both are now retired and vacation at their cottage

[iloveyoga]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aerides A lot depends on your individual situation and personalities. Regardless of what her field does, what does she want to do? How ready are you both for RE financially...or are you going to be dependent on her to cross the finish line? If she dislikes her job but feels now obligated to stay full time to meet your financial goals, that could be very uncomfortable. If she feels trapped and you're not, etc. If, however, she loves being hard-driving, and climbing the career ladder, etc., less to worry about. Your plan to take on the house burden side of things is a good one, and to make sure your "relaxing" is not the first thing she notices when she comes home at the end of the day. I know there are plenty of men who will come along and say "double standard!!! we wouldn't even worry if DW was going PT!" But reality is we are wired a little differently, even if only by tradition and culture. I know myself quite well, and while I was ok for DH to go PT a year before we both fully RE'd, I know that would not be ok if it was 5 or 10 years. The partnership would, at some point, feel lopsided and strained. Time for a good long chat with DW. If she is anything other than emphatically ok with the idea, there's your answer.

+1 My husband and I had this arrangement for quite a few years. He did everything he could at home so I did not have to and it worked out fine for us.

[O2Bfree]

DH retired over a year ago, and I'm still working at a job that I like. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't do enough around the house, largely because we have different standards. Things that I notice don't seem to catch his eye, like those cobwebs and dusty surfaces. Also, he doesn't cook much, maybe a few meals a week. I suppose he would cook more for both of us if I were more inclined to eat the same thing for every meal, as he typically does. I don't mind cooking, though, sort of enjoy it after a day sitting in cubicle land.

Regarding that unspoken score-keeping that goes on in relationships, I found I now need to work a little more at keeping this score accurate in my head by reminding myself of all things he does that I'm not so inclined to do, or would have to hire out. Such as taking down 60 ft trees, building a shed, repairing the water line to the house, trimming the edge of the lawn and sweeping up after mowing, installing a new hot water heater, organizing the garage, helping me deal with aging parents, etc. Oh, and putting up with me!

For some reason, when the sun shines and I suddenly notice how dusty the entertainment center is, I tend to forget all those things.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere Good insights - one twist for us is that I basically won't have the option of being a large wage-earner - I'm going to "age out" of my field and my skills aren't transferable. I am trying to position myself for PT consulting but I might end up with very few options. We will discuss things, but it's likely this situation will be our reality in a year or so. She likes her career currently but who knows about the future. In short, this might not be by choice re: my career. So I expect issues to arise but can't foresee what those might be.

As to exact form, maybe no, but if you can't pretty well figure this out, where have you been all your life?

[Senator]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere So, for a few years I'll be working 20 hours a week as a greeter at W-Mart (or whatever) and she'll still be pushing hard every day I have a wide range of hobbies and can't wait to go PT - after 40 years of busting my a** I'm ready to fish, golf, read, exercise, etc.

Why do you want to work at a lower paying job, part time? Put in OMY, then quit altogether. You have a lot of things on your plate to do, working at a low-wage job won't cut it. You will be smarter than your boss, and you will hate it.

If you wife cannot afford to quit, be ready for her to quit anyway. Start planning your days, and see if it meshes with her expectations. Or do it anyway.

[Dash man]

DW worked three years longer than me by her choice. They kept dangling carrots out there for her to stay. She had no problem with me taking trips. They were typically to visit my son or other family. She eventually decided to pull the plug and loves retirement.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere DW and I both have hard-driving career positions - the kind with no "off" hours. I'm 4 years older and looking at starting to dial it back to PT in a year. At that point she'll be in her early 50s and in the prime of her career. In her field people often w*rk into their 60s, which is highly uncommon in my field. I will basically be forced into a PT, lower-paying gig after next Fall. So, for a few years I'll be working 20 hours a week as a greeter at W-Mart (or whatever) and she'll still be pushing hard every day I have a wide range of hobbies and can't wait to go PT - after 40 years of busting my a** I'm ready to fish, golf, read, exercise, etc. We have one child, who is FI and out of the house, no GC (yet). Obviously, I'll be doing the cleaning and laundry and cooking and trying to make her life easier - but what issues will come up with one of my relaxing and one of us still slugging it out in the w*rkforce? Appreciate any tips and thoughts.

You don't mention your financial situation....will your DW not slugging it out until 60 cause you financial problems? Because actually 55 could be considered "prime earning years". What does she say about you wanting to go part time? Every couple is different.

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aerides I know there are plenty of men who will come along and say "double standard!!! we wouldn't even worry if DW was going PT!" But reality is we are wired a little differently, even if only by tradition and culture.

This seems to be generally true, at least by my anecdotal observation. There does indeed seem to be a double standard in many cases driven by tradition and culture.

But things are what they are and men retiring before female partners often do have a higher standard to meet in terms of proving that their contribution to the team effort is adequate and acceptable.

OP needs to think through what he believes his contribution needs to be in form, function and amount for his "workin' gal" to be pleased with her lifestyle from now until her retirement. He needs to look for clear signs of support from her for his new situation. Absent her strong support, he better work outside the home doing something or the other......... No matter what he says and feels he is accomplishing around the house, if DW isn't pleased and supportive, he's doomed.

It's often a rocky road that meanders outside society's cultural norms.........

[mystang52]

DW is actually 7 months older than I, and is still happily w*rking. I've been ER'd for 4 1/2 years. She was - and is - fully supportive of my ER. The keys to our successful arrangement.

• Notwithstanding her expressed support, for the 6 months or so prior to my ER I brought up the topic numerous times. Being supportive in the abstract might be one thing, but I wanted to be sure she would be in the real world.
• Yes, I keep the house neat and duly fulfill any honey-do chores she assigns (they are never too many, or onerous).
• If she asks I will tell her what I did that day (i.e., my various recreational pursuits). If something special happened, I will tell her. But otherwise I don't go out of my way to discuss my life of leisure. She knows what I am doing most days, and like I said she is supportive. But still, I don't want to belabor the I'm-not/you-are working thing,

A close friend of mine retired over his wife's objections,and it hadn't gone well. Make sure you and your DW are in agreement.

[AboutThere]

To answer a couple of questions: I may be losing my career next year - not my decision, and I will stay full time if I'm given the chance to do so.

A recent test of the job market in my area showed that it will be difficult for me to get full time work.

We are not yet FI, hence the need for her to work. We would be fine on her salary alone, but I think there are some things that I can do part time

I know DW well enough to know that she'll be happy to have me keep the house up, do 100 things that have been put on hold b/c of our work schedules, make dinner, etc. Having said that, it's interesting for people to note the older cultural norms still might come into play

[travelover]

It can be done. My DW is 4 years younger and I retired at 54, and she, recently, at 60. She is not a type A, but took pride in her w*rk as an educator. As the "house husband", I tried to make sure I used my spare time to make her life easier by cleaning and cooking on weekdays plus running errands. On some cold snowy days, she resented that she had to drive into w*rk in stop and go weather and I rolled over and went back to sleep.

But all in, it worked for us and I loved my 9 years of goofing off. It has actually been harder since she retired as we have had to renegotiate our roles and coordinate out activities.

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere To answer a couple of questions: I may be losing my career next year - not my decision, and I will stay full time if I'm given the chance to do so. A recent test of the job market in my area showed that it will be difficult for me to get full time work. We are not yet FI, hence the need for her to work. We would be fine on her salary alone, but I think there are some things that I can do part time I know DW well enough to know that she'll be happy to have me keep the house up, do 100 things that have been put on hold b/c of our work schedules, make dinner, etc. Having said that, it's interesting for people to note the older cultural norms still might come into play

You're sending mixed messages. Are you going to be working hard at whatever you can find (despite your career problems) or are you going to be

Quote:

one of my relaxing and one of us still slugging it out in the w*rkforce?

as you said in your original post? It can't be both.

If DW is dealing with you having career problems, as you stated, that is completely different that you deciding to throw in the towel, accept an easy pt job and just "relax."

I think when you understand what your real intentions are, your answers will become evident. Right now you haven't come to an understanding of what you want to do and are looking for advise in that regard.

Perhaps if your scenario that your career in your current field ends plays out, you should begin with an extreme, all out effort to find similar work despite the obstacles. Failing that, work ft in another field or work multiple pt jobs. If you wind up with all the hours and stress of your current career but at much less compensation, then discuss with DW if your combined scenario might be improved if you backed off and then focused more time and effort around the house.

[braumeister]

Sometimes there are no issues.

I retired in 2001 and DW kept her job until 2013. Why? Simply because she enjoyed it, particularly the social aspects.

I encouraged her to retire earlier, because we were FI and could afford it. She knew there was no financial reason to keep her job; she just wanted to.

I took solo vacations when I wanted, but we had our annual trips together as well. Everything worked out well. We never anticipated any friction and there was none.

[AboutThere]

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbet You're sending mixed messages. Are you going to be working hard at whatever you can find (despite your career problems) or are you going to be as you said in your original post? It can't be both. If DW is dealing with you having career problems, as you stated, that is completely different that you deciding to throw in the towel, accept an easy pt job and just "relax." I think when you understand what your real intentions are, your answers will become evident. Right now you haven't come to an understanding of what you want to do and are looking for advise in that regard. Perhaps if your scenario that your career in your current field ends plays out, you should begin with an extreme, all out effort to find similar work despite the obstacles. Failing that, work ft in another field or work multiple pt jobs. If you wind up with all the hours and stress of your current career but at much less compensation, then discuss with DW if your combined scenario might be improved if you backed off and then focused more time and effort around the house.

What I WANT to do is work full time in my high-earning field but, as I said, that might not be a possibility.

If I can't find full time work I'm certainly going to enjoy the down time and relax after working full time since 1979. I think I've earned it and I won't feel guilty about it.

It was this board that taught me that I shouldn't feel guilty about not working but I guess I'm hearing mixed messages in my current context, which is interesting

[AboutThere]

Quote:

Originally Posted by braumeister Sometimes there are no issues. I retired in 2001 and DW kept her job until 2013. Why? Simply because she enjoyed it, particularly the social aspects. I encouraged her to retire earlier, because we were FI and could afford it. She knew there was no financial reason to keep her job; she just wanted to. I took solo vacations when I wanted, but we had our annual trips together as well. Everything worked out well. We never anticipated any friction and there was none.

That's currently where my wife is - her social life is also tied into her work, she's at the top of her game, and she currently enjoys it.

[Which Roger]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere We are not yet FI, hence the need for her to work. We would be fine on her salary alone, but I think there are some things that I can do part time

Would she want to continue working even if you were FI? My DW is still working, but it's by choice rather than necessity. Since she can walk away at any time, she really can't resent her retired spouse. But that may not be the case if one is working out of necessity. In that case, I think it's very important for the retiree to pull his weight. I'm not much concerned about society's norms regarding who should be the wage earner, but I do feel that both people should be doing about the same amount of work, whether it's paid work or taking care of stuff around the house.