When one half is still working

[Aerides]

Self-awareness goes a long way here. I know personally if DH retired significantly before me, I would be jealous, and it would be bad. He's never been one for house chores, shopping/cleaning/cooking except in small doses, the kind that require me to notice and comment "good job you emptied the dishwasher!" But I knew that when I married him and I'm not the kind of woman who thinks a man will change.

I work from home, so there'd be no escaping the differences in our days.

He did end up going part time this past year, which has been fine, but I will fully retire about 2-3 weeks before him.

[medved]

My wife retired in her early 40s. I was making a lot more money than she was, and work + kids caused her stress. I figured "happy wife = happy life," so I did not object.

For the most part, it worked well for us. She took on 90% of the house and kids stuff, which enabled me to focus on my career.

Do I sometimes resent that she has time to exercise, lunch with friends, read magazines, etc. while I worked 13 hours? Yea, occasionally. But she probably sometimes resents that I fly to some nice place to give a lecture, while staying at a five-star hotel, while she cleaned up kid-vomit (when the kids were younger) or gets screamed at by disrespectful teenagers (these days).

But mostly we don't spend our time resenting. We just chose different paths, and each has some benefits and drawbacks.

I just don't think there's any one arrangement that works for all couples.

[dixonge]

We both quit our jobs at the same time, but since our plans didn't work out I ended up going back to work as a freelancer, then back to my old profession to finish out my pension vesting. As it turns out, I've been working pretty much full-time ever since we quit our 'jobs' five years ago.

The wife, on the other hand, has pretty much NOT worked. At all. Not for pay.

The good news is that she does all the errands and shopping during the week and fixes all of our meals, so there's that...

[robertf57]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Live And Learn My hope is that he would work 4 more years, until he is 62. By then we'll know the situation with ACA and the continuing skyrocketing costs of healthcare. We both have pretty significant pre-existing conditions so anyone who wants to completely "repeal and replace" ACA is scary to me. Worst case is that DH works 7 years until he is 65 and on Medicare. Keep in mind that he was a combined total of 12 weeks vacation a year. In all honesty I carry a bit of resentment also since I've been the main breadwinner all our careers, and for the past 12 years have made 10x what he does because he didn't want to continue in his old career when we moved to Florida. The saying "pay me now, or pay me later" comes to mind". Or perhaps even "paybacks a b*tch". Terrible, aren't I ?

Wow, think about how your logic would apply to traditional husband -wife- work relationships......


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[Racer X]

I'm 47 and retired last month. DW is 46 and wants to work 1.5 more years. I think the key is that she wants to work. We're comfortably FI and she could retire at any time should she so choose.

I'd like to think I pull my weight. All the household chores, both indoors and out are taken care of during the week. I am far from a grand master chef, but I usually plan a significant number of meals during the week.

Where we have struggled is not in DW's resentment, which was a large fear of mine when we discussed my retirement. No, it's been me accidentially pressuring DW to retire. I really need to watch comments that might somehow imply I'd like her to quit. It's a difficult balance for me, as I want her to feel/know that she does not have to work. And when she is unhappy with idiot boss, stupid client, or random politics, I want her to know she has a choice and there's an option that's, in my experience so far, pretty darn great. But she's hellbent on finishing out a project at work and that's going to take until the end of 2017, so I need to temper any comments of that nature.

Once we worked through that, it's actually become a bit of a joke. She'll ask how my day was or what I did, and I'll rattle off a list of great things, and then finish by saying, "but you know, no pressure."

[HadEnuff]

I am newly retired, and DW still works. While I have given her my blessing to retire if she wants, secretly, I am glad she's still working. I'm 62, she's 58, and every year she chooses to work is that much less we have to take from the nut in terms of WR. Ideally, if she could keep working until 62 and take her SS, I'd be into my Medicare years.
She professes to feel no resentment, and to try to keep it that way I do all of the housework, laundry, shopping, cooking, etc etc so that when she is not working she can relax. Unfortunately, what has happened is that her sister has become gravely ill, and she has an aging mom and aunt she has to keep an eye on, so when she's not working she is almost always dealing with issues related to them.

If she bags it, we'll be OK. I'd rather have her bag it than be resentful. And we'll have winters to do what we want, together, south and warm...so ...

my advice to the retired half is to do at least one thing a day that is helpful to the other person while they are at work. Don't let them come home to discover you just played all day.

[LOL!]

My better half is still working. My biggest beef is that she leaves her crap all over the kitchen expecting me to clean it up. Example: Peels an egg, leaves egg shells all over the counter when both the garbage can and the disposal are within inches.

To be fair, she probably always left her garbage all over the place, but I wasn't home to see it.

[W2R]

It's so terrific when a retired husband with a working wife makes a huge effort to help around the house. Something that I really admire is when the husband:

plans nutritious meals and what to have on which day,
determines what ingredients are required,
checks to see what you have already,
makes the shopping list,
shops,
puts the groceries away,
cooks,
cleans the kitchen after cooking,
serves the food,
clears the table and cleans it,
does the dishes, and
puts them away.

And cheerfully does all of this on his own without having to be reminded or asking for input on choices/decisions like how much of an ingredient to buy and what brand, and does it reliably, on time and within budget.

Many guys say they cook, but I especially admire the few (like FUEGO, I think?) who do all of the above. It shows a real understanding of what needs to be done, and would be a tremendous help for any working wife I would think.

[Sarah in SC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R It's so terrific when a retired husband with a working wife makes a huge effort to help around the house. Something that I really admire is when the husband: plans nutritious meals and what to have on which day, determines what ingredients are required, checks to see what you have already, makes the shopping list, shops, puts the groceries away, cooks, cleans the kitchen after cooking, serves the food, clears the table and cleans it, does the dishes, and puts them away. And cheerfully does all of this on his own without having to be reminded or asking for input on choices/decisions like how much of an ingredient to buy and what brand, and does it reliably, on time and within budget. Many guys say they cook, but I especially admire the few (like FUEGO, I think?) who do all of the above. It shows a real understanding of what needs to be done, and would be a tremendous help for any working wife I would think.

If you find this unicorn, please for the love of everything holy, give me first dibs! I have never even heard of such a beast!
DH expects abundant praise if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher! (Which he does wrong, of course).

[MichaelB]

Some of us just have a different idea of what constitutes a nutritious meal when it's our turn to cook.

[W2R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarah in SC If you find this unicorn, please for the love of everything holy, give me first dibs! I have never even heard of such a beast! DH expects abundant praise if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher! (Which he does wrong, of course).

I never did either. Just thought I'd throw out the suggestion, for those guys who so proudly say they cook, to muse over. I know some do more but not all.

And your mention of praise brings up something I forgot - - without expecting praise!

[W2R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichaelB Some of us just have a different idea of what constitutes a nutritious meal when it's our turn to cook.

So true. A man who serves beer and frozen chicken wings for dinner when it's his turn, might want to expect bean sprouts and tofu when it's not. Turn about's fair play.

[Proteus126]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R It's so terrific when a retired husband with a working wife makes a huge effort to help around the house. Something that I really admire is when the husband: plans nutritious meals and what to have on which day, determines what ingredients are required, checks to see what you have already, makes the shopping list, shops, puts the groceries away, cooks, cleans the kitchen after cooking, serves the food, clears the table and cleans it, does the dishes, and puts them away. And cheerfully does all of this on his own without having to be reminded or asking for input on choices/decisions like how much of an ingredient to buy and what brand, and does it reliably, on time and within budget. Many guys say they cook, but I especially admire the few (like FUEGO, I think?) who do all of the above. It shows a real understanding of what needs to be done, and would be a tremendous help for any working wife I would think.

Interesting. I do that stuff listed above and love it. I wish my wife would, but she just doesn't care that much about food. I'm the foodie.

Other than that, she takes care of the house (which takes a LOT of work) and I earn the paycheck. Wouldn't have it any other way, and don't resent her in the least.

[W2R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Proteus126 Interesting. I do that stuff listed above and love it. I wish my wife would, but she just doesn't care that much about food. I'm the foodie. Other than that, she takes care of the house (which takes a LOT of work) and I earn the paycheck. Wouldn't have it any other way, and don't resent her in the least.

Calling Sarah in SC!!! Sarah! We found one!

[Sarah in SC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R Calling Sarah in SC!!! Sarah! We found one!

I would need to interview his wife, first, before we can confirm an actual sighting in the wild, as it were.

[Proteus126]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarah in SC I would need to interview his wife, first, before we can confirm an actual sighting in the wild, as it were.

Some faves I like to do on the weekend.

Chicken Francese

Dolmades (you are supposed to chiffonade the mint, but whatever) (yes, I had to look that up the first time)

Mary Strickland's Pot Roast (I like to add a little chili powder and curry powder to the rub)

And I grill a mean cheeseburger!

No - the wife would not care for my characterization of her cooking enthusiasm. And to be fair, she gets the job done and it is definitely nutritious, and even when it doesn't inspire me I try always to be thankful that she took the time to prepare it. She can't help that she was raised in Amish Dutch country by hunters who cooked the life out of everything and weren't into sauces and seasoning.

[HadEnuff]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R It's so terrific when a retired husband with a working wife makes a huge effort to help around the house. Something that I really admire is when the husband: plans nutritious meals and what to have on which day, determines what ingredients are required, checks to see what you have already, makes the shopping list, shops, puts the groceries away, cooks, cleans the kitchen after cooking, serves the food, clears the table and cleans it, does the dishes, and puts them away. And cheerfully does all of this on his own without having to be reminded or asking for input on choices/decisions like how much of an ingredient to buy and what brand, and does it reliably, on time and within budget. Many guys say they cook, but I especially admire the few (like FUEGO, I think?) who do all of the above. It shows a real understanding of what needs to be done, and would be a tremendous help for any working wife I would think.

I do that. It really doesn't take much, and to be honest I do it mostly for me because my wife isn't highly motivated about meals. Left to her own devices she would eat when she's hungry and it would likely be a bowl of Cheerios. (honest, I did not make that up)...since I'm the foodie, I might as well do it since I don't really like eating Cheerios for dinner.

I also do laundry, clean the bathrooms (except the tub. I leave that to her because it kills my back and she thinks I do a crappy job, anyway), vacuum, dust (but I suck at that too,evidently), mow the lawn, pay the bills, mop the kitchen floor.

Last week I detailed her car for her, and washed the front porch.

I do this partly so she doesn't have to, and partly so I feel less guilty about playing golf every day. Or at least, so she doesn't complain about me playing golf everyday.

Hell, I'd be happy to greet her at the door with something skimpy on and a martini, but she doesn't drink. She probably could use the laugh, though.

[jjquantz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R It's so terrific when a retired husband with a working wife makes a huge effort to help around the house. Something that I really admire is when the husband: plans nutritious meals and what to have on which day, CHECK determines what ingredients are required, CHECK checks to see what you have already, CHECK makes the shopping list, CHECK shops, CHECK, but see note puts the groceries away, CHECK cooks, CHECK cleans the kitchen after cooking, Well... serves the food, CHECK clears the table and cleans it, CHECK does the dishes, and CHECK puts them away. CHECK And cheerfully does all of this on his own without having to be reminded or asking for input on choices/decisions like how much of an ingredient to buy and what brand, and does it reliably, on time and within budget. Many guys say they cook, but I especially admire the few (like FUEGO, I think?) who do all of the above. It shows a real understanding of what needs to be done, and would be a tremendous help for any working wife I would think.

DW has, for the most part, really appreciated the fact that I have taken on much of the cooking. However, she has also struggled a bit over her "loss" of this. She always got a great deal of satisfaction out of cooking and it was something that she enjoyed doing. So, although she thinks it's great that dinner is ready when she gets home in the evening, she is still struggling with a sense of loss of something that she enjoyed. We are trying to keep her engaged in the kitchen on the weekends and she really doesn't want to give up a big chunk of the grocery shopping. It's OK for me to pick up staples (milk, bread, eggs, etc.), but she likes to get the meat, fish, and produce. This works for me, the grocery shopping is the one part of the task that I really haven't cottoned to.

[Slow But Steady]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R It's so terrific when a retired husband with a working wife makes a huge effort to help around the house. Something that I really admire is when the husband: plans nutritious meals and what to have on which day, determines what ingredients are required, checks to see what you have already, makes the shopping list, shops, puts the groceries away, cooks, cleans the kitchen after cooking, serves the food, clears the table and cleans it, does the dishes, and puts them away. And cheerfully does all of this on his own without having to be reminded or asking for input on choices/decisions like how much of an ingredient to buy and what brand, and does it reliably, on time and within budget. Many guys say they cook, but I especially admire the few (like FUEGO, I think?) who do all of the above. It shows a real understanding of what needs to be done, and would be a tremendous help for any working wife I would think.

I do all these, except that I don't wash or put away the dishes.

BUT... I am still working, while my wife has been retired for two and a half years. She doesn't cook, so if I want to eat good food, I have to plan, shop, and prepare.

Financially we were OK for me to retire when she retired, though a little more savings is always better. I have been working by choice because the technical content of the work is interesting and fun. I'm about to retire though, just because I have other things I also want to do while I can.

Even though I've been working by choice, I've been surprised by how hard it has been to drag myself out of bed at 4:45 AM and sneak around in the dark while she's still sleeping. I'm not in any way resentful, but I've really learned to hate the alarm clock.

[FatCyclist]

I "retired" early last year, and DW continues to work. This is entirely her choice--she was a stay at home Mom until our youngest turned 15. She re-entered the workforce only a few years ago and she enjoys it. If she has a planned retirement date, she's not telling.

We are FI and do not need the money. Her job doesn't include health benefits, so that isn't a reason for her to work either. I'm doing bits of consulting (no static about how I'm not really retired, please) that are currently generating more income than her full time job provides.

So, when we argue, it isn't about money. It's about time. She has 3 weeks of vacation, and I want to travel more. I do some solo travel, but I don't enjoy it as much as when we're together.

And yes, the laundry is done, the dishes are done, the kitchen is cleaner than it's ever been, and dinner is ready to go.