Where to find friends who won't jealous of you?

Chan · 12-03-2006, 11:51 PM

I am not sure if anyone encounter similar problems. When I meet new people and if they are told that we no longer work, most of them get really jealous. They started to try to guess how much you have from your lifestyle. Even some friends you know for a long time. It's very scary. We are not that rich. I just live on an average income according to the statistic.

Where can you find people who wouldn't get jealous?

One reason why they are jealous is that we are still pretty young( begining of 40). I believe we are not the only one...............

donheff · 12-04-2006, 06:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chan

I am not sure if anyone encounter similar problems. When I meet new people and if they are told that we no longer work, most of them get really jealous.

One reason why they are jealous is that we are still pretty young( begining of 40). I believe we are not the only one...............

ERs in their early 40s are as rare as hen's teeth. You can expect amazed reactions for another 10-15 years

It is not surprising that people want to know how much you have, how you got it, etc. Most people your age don't really know yet what it takes to retire. They haven't even begun to calculate the requirements. You force them to confront that fact that time is flying by. They want to know more about it. Unfortunately, for many of them, learning what it takes will be depressing. Probably the best thing you can do is emphasize how much you LBYMed in earlier years and how frugal you live now.

Or just tell them you are part time consultants working out of your home.

farmerEd · 12-04-2006, 07:05 AM

Unless you get some satisfaction about telling people that you are retired very early...there is no reason anyone really needs to know. Its pretty easy to have a cover story (i.e. "I work from home", "I'm taking some time-off", "I decided to work less and live a bit more so I am just doing some conulting on the side etc". I ER'ed almost 6 years ago in my late 30's. Most of my family doesn't even know (brothers sisters etc). I choose not to advertise, so I haven't had any problems with people being jealous. Its not hard to be diplomatic

On the otherhand if you walk to into every party and annouce that you are retired (at a young age), its going to lead to questions and some jealous people I would imagine.

Leonidas · 12-04-2006, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chan

One reason why they are jealous is that we are still pretty young( begining of 40). I believe we are not the only one...............

This question has been kicked around here before and you may find these posts interesting reading:

http://early-retirement.org/forums/i...p?topic=8757.0
http://early-retirement.org/forums/i...p?topic=8781.0

A few weeks ago I ran into some jealousy from a guy who worked for me years ago and is now an elected official. He is in my newspaper nearly every day and I can only guess at how stressful his work days are. He made the comment "you're too young to not be working", and I kind of blew him off with some platitude. But I could tell that it really bothered him - not out of any concern for me - because he was jealous to some degree.

While driving the other day I was musing on this problem and decided that I was going to follow the example of other posters here and make up a business card with a suitably ambiguous "job title". Looking for a specific size piece of photo paper last night I found a sheath of business card paper in my closet and decided that it was time to go for it.

I'm torn between the title "Independent Money Manager" or "President and CEO of the Leonidas Fund - a closely held mutual fund"

retire@40 · 12-04-2006, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leonidas

...While driving the other day I was musing on this problem and decided that I was going to follow the example of other posters here and make up a business card with a suitably ambiguous "job title". Looking for a specific size piece of photo paper last night I found a sheath of business card paper in my closet and decided that it was time to go for it.

I'm torn between the title "Independent Money Manager" or "President and CEO of the Leonidas Fund - a closely held mutual fund"

Just quote Tom Hagan in The Godfather: "I have a special practice. I handle one client."

audreyh1 · 12-04-2006, 12:02 PM

We retired in our 40s and we still can't get away from "admitting" that we are retired when asked, and we are asked often enough. We often get the suspicious look and "you're kind of young for fulltimers" comment, which we answer nicely - "yes, a little young perhaps" with no embellishment.

But we haven't any jealous friends, so I think that perhaps it's more of a reflection of your friends rather people in general. Everyone pretty much accepted our status without making a big deal about it. We tried to make a little a deal about it as possible - we don't like to be noticed.

We have lots of new friends now due to our lifestyle, and I have found that they are generally older. Many people our age are still managing their families (not to mention working fulltime) so we tend to make friends with the other retired folks. Most RVers - certainly the fulltimers - are already retired. We find that we get along and make friends just fine, even though some of them are the same age as our parents, it doesn't seem to matter. In bird watching and nature photography many of the folks out there are older as well - just because again it's the kind of hobby that you can't indulge in much unless you have the time and the means to travel, and so it's more likely if you are retired or have minimal family obligations.

So - I guess we don't hang around many working folks!

Really - I don't expect the comments to stop until we reach 55. But it's minor. And we really don't encounter jealously - just more of a "Great! Do it while you're young!" best wishes.

Audrey

P.S. I never was comfortable with the "pretend job" idea. And people often make the assumption that we make a living at our photography. When they press for details we make it clear that photography is an avocation, not a way for us to make a living.

donheff · 12-04-2006, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by audreyh1

Really - I don't expect the comments to stop until we reach 55. But it's minor. And we really don't encounter jealously - just more of a "Great! Do it while you're young!" best wishes.

Ha, think again. I retired two years ago at 56 and I still get a lot of baffled reactions. (Maybe it is my healthy, youthful appearance

). I still run into the private sector IT people I contracted with in the government and they all know that I could have gone with any number of companies for a lot of bucks. It mystifies about half of them that anyone younger than mid to late sixties would choose not to take the money. The other half can't afford it and are envious. But I don't sense much, if any, hostility.

Leonidas · 12-04-2006, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by audreyh1

P.S. I never was comfortable with the "pretend job" idea.

I understand what you're saying, but in my case I don't think of it as pretend as much as it accurately describes how I feed my family. If it has an added bonus of allowing others to color in between the lines and come up with a concept that is somewhat different - and keeps me from hearing things like "you're too young to do nothing!" - then so much the better.

Speaking of working as an independent money manager, look at the DOW. Wow, I'm doing such a great job for my employer. I wonder what he's going to give me for my Christmas bonus this year.

rs0460a · 12-04-2006, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by audreyh1

But we haven't any jealous friends, so I think that perhaps it's more of a reflection of your friends rather people in general.

Agreed!

- Ron

spike · 12-04-2006, 03:53 PM

This topic really hits home. I retired at 40 and I thought most people and relatives would be happy for me. I was proud to admit I didn't have to work anymore. But I have to admit it, not many people I know took it very well.

Even my relatives were weird about it, they would comment to me why do you travel so much. They even use to comment about my wife's jewelry, like does that ring come with a headlight.

A close friend told me one time no one likes to hear about your trips or where your going, they are envious. I never really gave it thought until then. I wasn't bragging just sharing my joy of retirement.

Even one of my children was weird about it, thought I should give him the money and stay home.

Personally I don't have any envy of anyone. I don't want a McMansion, but I don't grudge anyone for buying one. If you work for the money I could care less what you buy. I love to see people make big money, retire early etc.

Now I tell no one anything, my wife and I keep it to ourselves. We recently bought a country home and we don't mention it. We just keep it to ourselves, because this is going to rub a few people also.

Sparky · 12-04-2006, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by audreyh1

P.S. I never was comfortable with the "pretend job" idea.

I just have one phrase for you: "people have killed for less".

Look at "In Cold Blood", where there was a rumor that the Clutter family was "loaded" and two killers tried to rob them, only to find very little money and killed the whole family.

When you tell people that you are ER'd at a young age, the first thing that comes to mind is that you are "loaded", just like the Clutter family.

Watch Judge Judy and see how family relationships are shattered for $1,000 or less.

We NEVER tell ANYONE we are ER'd in our 40s. We tell people that we work part time out of our homes...

audreyh1 · 12-04-2006, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sparky

I just have one phrase for you: "people have killed for less".

Look at "In Cold Blood", where there was a rumor that the Clutter family was "loaded" and two killers tried to rob them, only to find very little money and killed the whole family.

We NEVER tell ANYONE we are ER'd in our 40s. We tell people that we work part time out of our homes...

OK - we don't flaunt our status and we NEVER discuss net worth. I'm not that paranoid. There are many people far more ostentatious than we to catch the attention of parasites and criminals.

We just don't give the impression that we are "loaded".

Audrey

Outtahere · 12-04-2006, 05:47 PM

I have the same problem with some of my family and friends even though I'm not retired yet. I bought into a great deal and they figure I'm making a killing, I'm doing well but not like they think.

Spike, I have a sister that actually thinks I should buy her a house.

Friends ask me all the time "when are you going to retire?" but not in a nice way, in that way that says you're loaded now why are you working. We avoid those people now as much as we can. Oh and they accuse my dh of being a kept man or marrying rich. UGH

Sparky · 12-04-2006, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by audreyh1

OK - we don't flaunt our status and we NEVER discuss net worth. I'm not that paranoid. There are many people far more ostentatious than we to catch the attention of parasites and criminals.

We just don't give the impression that we are "loaded".

Audrey

Audrey, my spouse and I both realize how difficult it would be for you and your spouse to "lie" since you are living the RV lifestyle. I just feel that one must be very careful about what one says. Are we being paranoid? Maybe to you, but certainly not to us.

We have recently moved and already have had neighbors sniffing around and wondering why we are home all the time, etc. We are only posting a suggestion of the worst case scenario that an innocent FIRE may experience should they be less than guarded about what they DO...not what they are worth. Anyone that you tell that you are FIRE, you will encourage greed and avarice... they won't say it to your face, but, most likely, they will resent and envy you.

In our opinion, not a good place to be.

ex_CFO_now_RVer · 12-04-2006, 06:59 PM

We have trouble keeping up! Our friends are buying lake front homes, (big bucks) we love our RV. Just a fraction of what they are spending.

Dave

audreyh1 · 12-04-2006, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sparky

Anyone that you tell that you are FIRE, you will encourage greed and avarice... they won't say it to your face, but, most likely, they will resent and envy you.

In our opinion, not a good place to be.

Well, in retirement of over 7 years now, we just haven't had that experience. We haven't had people snooping around, checking up on us trying to figure out why we are "at home". We haven't been propositioned with investment opportunities or advice. We haven't been propositioned for loans. There is simply no discussion of finances.

The thing is - most of the people we are around are retired (and thus financially independent) themselves, so at most we are the funky "youngsters". These people are having too much fun in their own lives (and bragging about their latest acquisition or adventure) to pay much notice to us. We spend time with people who have strong mutual interests - birds, butterflies, photography, etc. Maybe people who are actively engaged in such hobbies or volunteering aren't the envious types - again, they are too busy being involved in these fun and educational activities. We contribute a lot of our time and efforts in these areas (donating photographs, video, etc.), forming a positive link with folks - not a negative one.

We avoid disclosing our situation as much as is reasonably possible, and keep a low profile, but when it comes right down to it, we will satisfy a new friend's natural curiosity with as little detail as possible.

We may become a target of a criminal someday (God I hope not!), but it seems to me that it's far more likely to be some random situation (wrong place, wrong time) rather than being deliberately targeted because we are early retirees. Gosh - I suspect any retiree that lives in a motorhome must be considered "loaded" by folks struggling to earn a living.

Audrey

dmpi · 12-05-2006, 11:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chan

I am not sure if anyone encounter similar problems. When I meet new people and if they are told that we no longer work, most of them get really jealous. They started to try to guess how much you have from your lifestyle. Even some friends you know for a long time. It's very scary. We are not that rich. I just live on an average income according to the statistic.

Where can you find people who wouldn't get jealous?

One reason why they are jealous is that we are still pretty young( begining of 40). I believe we are not the only one...............

I got to ask. Are you asian?

Danny · 12-06-2006, 09:27 AM

Just watched an episode of Big Love - they have to finese the new neighbors so they don't realize the Hendrickson family are polygimists - I saw a parallel to my neighbors, etc. finding out I was early retired

except I don't think I can go to prison for what I am

HFWR · 12-06-2006, 10:22 AM

Anyone jealous of me must be really pathetic...

12-03-2006, 11:51 PM	#1
Chan Dryer sheet wannabe Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 20	Where to find friends who won't jealous of you? I am not sure if anyone encounter similar problems. When I meet new people and if they are told that we no longer work, most of them get really jealous. They started to try to guess how much you have from your lifestyle. Even some friends you know for a long time. It's very scary. We are not that rich. I just live on an average income according to the statistic. Where can you find people who wouldn't get jealous? One reason why they are jealous is that we are still pretty young( begining of 40). I believe we are not the only one............... __________________ There will never be another place like this.....

12-04-2006, 07:05 AM	#3
farmerEd Full time employment: Posting here. Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 697	Re: Where to find friends who won't jealous of you? Unless you get some satisfaction about telling people that you are retired very early...there is no reason anyone really needs to know. Its pretty easy to have a cover story (i.e. "I work from home", "I'm taking some time-off", "I decided to work less and live a bit more so I am just doing some conulting on the side etc". I ER'ed almost 6 years ago in my late 30's. Most of my family doesn't even know (brothers sisters etc). I choose not to advertise, so I haven't had any problems with people being jealous. Its not hard to be diplomatic On the otherhand if you walk to into every party and annouce that you are retired (at a young age), its going to lead to questions and some jealous people I would imagine.

12-04-2006, 12:02 PM	#6
audreyh1 Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 2,222	Re: Where to find friends who won't jealous of you? We retired in our 40s and we still can't get away from "admitting" that we are retired when asked, and we are asked often enough. We often get the suspicious look and "you're kind of young for fulltimers" comment, which we answer nicely - "yes, a little young perhaps" with no embellishment. But we haven't any jealous friends, so I think that perhaps it's more of a reflection of your friends rather people in general. Everyone pretty much accepted our status without making a big deal about it. We tried to make a little a deal about it as possible - we don't like to be noticed. We have lots of new friends now due to our lifestyle, and I have found that they are generally older. Many people our age are still managing their families (not to mention working fulltime) so we tend to make friends with the other retired folks. Most RVers - certainly the fulltimers - are already retired. We find that we get along and make friends just fine, even though some of them are the same age as our parents, it doesn't seem to matter. In bird watching and nature photography many of the folks out there are older as well - just because again it's the kind of hobby that you can't indulge in much unless you have the time and the means to travel, and so it's more likely if you are retired or have minimal family obligations. So - I guess we don't hang around many working folks! Really - I don't expect the comments to stop until we reach 55. But it's minor. And we really don't encounter jealously - just more of a "Great! Do it while you're young!" best wishes. Audrey P.S. I never was comfortable with the "pretend job" idea. And people often make the assumption that we make a living at our photography. When they press for details we make it clear that photography is an avocation, not a way for us to make a living.

12-04-2006, 03:53 PM	#10
spike Dryer sheet aficionado Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 42	Re: Where to find friends who won't jealous of you? This topic really hits home. I retired at 40 and I thought most people and relatives would be happy for me. I was proud to admit I didn't have to work anymore. But I have to admit it, not many people I know took it very well. Even my relatives were weird about it, they would comment to me why do you travel so much. They even use to comment about my wife's jewelry, like does that ring come with a headlight. A close friend told me one time no one likes to hear about your trips or where your going, they are envious. I never really gave it thought until then. I wasn't bragging just sharing my joy of retirement. Even one of my children was weird about it, thought I should give him the money and stay home. Personally I don't have any envy of anyone. I don't want a McMansion, but I don't grudge anyone for buying one. If you work for the money I could care less what you buy. I love to see people make big money, retire early etc. Now I tell no one anything, my wife and I keep it to ourselves. We recently bought a country home and we don't mention it. We just keep it to ourselves, because this is going to rub a few people also.

12-04-2006, 05:47 PM	#13
Outtahere Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,677	Re: Where to find friends who won't jealous of you? I have the same problem with some of my family and friends even though I'm not retired yet. I bought into a great deal and they figure I'm making a killing, I'm doing well but not like they think. Spike, I have a sister that actually thinks I should buy her a house. Friends ask me all the time "when are you going to retire?" but not in a nice way, in that way that says you're loaded now why are you working. We avoid those people now as much as we can. Oh and they accuse my dh of being a kept man or marrying rich. UGH __________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

12-04-2006, 06:59 PM	#15
ex_CFO_now_RVer Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 97	Re: Where to find friends who won't jealous of you? We have trouble keeping up! Our friends are buying lake front homes, (big bucks) we love our RV. Just a fraction of what they are spending. Dave __________________ Born with nothing, still have most of it left! Need to be on the road more!

12-06-2006, 09:27 AM	#18
Danny Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 2,189	Re: Where to find friends who won't jealous of you? Just watched an episode of Big Love - they have to finese the new neighbors so they don't realize the Hendrickson family are polygimists - I saw a parallel to my neighbors, etc. finding out I was early retired except I don't think I can go to prison for what I am

12-06-2006, 10:22 AM	#19
HFWR Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ... Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 5,486	Re: Where to find friends who won't jealous of you? Anyone jealous of me must be really pathetic...