Worried About My Future FIRE Life

[WestLake]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan Gonna need a flame proof suit for that one Since when is wanting ordinary household chores done "nagging". BTW I hate that word in my mind it's interchangeable with the B word.

Well it was meant to make him think. I'm kinda sneaky. Or was that reverse psychology?

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrRoy Perhaps you could find a hobby or volunteer position that would fill your time.

But he doesn't want to fill his time; that is the whole point of this post.

I don't see why "this certainly cannot be a reason for divorce". It's as good as any, and when it comes to divorce, sooner is almost always better than later. What unmarried man would let someone other than his employer give him his daily parameters? That is why you grew up and left the family home when you were around 20 or so. Your job is to earn a living, not to satisfy someone else's idea of how you should live. That is what bosses are for, do you also want a home based boss?

Is it hard for you to find feminine companionship? If so, and you need it, maybe best to just realize that she is the uber-boss and start meditation or something to help you survive.

Ha

Edit- I just read another posters mention of your young children. Cancel everything I said, you are already on a long trip. Do what you can to help out and hope and work for the best.

[Dash man]

Divorce is a miserable experience and with kids involved it never ends. Been there done that. I'm not saying there aren't cases where everyone is better off with a divorce, but make every effort to make the marriage work first. Worrying about how things may be twenty years down the road is just foolish because so many things in our lives can change over that time period.
Sometimes people forget why they got married in the first place and need to remember.

[Redbugdave]

I suspect ATC Guy is a shift worker. I knew several ATC people and I did a career as a shift worker in a parallel field. If he is...I can understand completely about just wanting to veg out some days. You just don't have the get up and go sometimes when you have worked a string of mids.

[daylatedollarshort]

You might want to read a book like Second Shift and see if that changes your perspective - "The Second Shift found that women still take care of most of the household and childcare responsibilities despite their entrance into the labor market."

My suggestion would be to run your household like a work project. Lay out all the chores and divide them up fairly. When your kids are old enough to do simple chores they should help out, too. Post the chore chart on the fridge. Then what you each do in own free time is your own business. Maybe your wife is a type A who always needs to be needlessly busy, or maybe she's on your case legitimately for not helping out enough or maybe the truth lies somewhere in between the two scenarios.

If you both work and have two young kids I know statistically which scenarios is most likely to be true.

[pb4uski]

Is my DW moonlighting as ATC Guy's DW?

You got a long haul, don't sweat it for now.. people change... if not, you learn to live with it... or not.

[ATC Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan Well, you are back with another spouse issue! Could the problem still be that you have 2 very young children and do shift work? I'm guessing that the things she mentions do need to be done and saying your wife is incapable of "binge watching" TV all day is a slam on her. Why don't you hire a cleaning lady..then both of your could have some free time? Oh wait that would interfere with your retirements savings. I'm going to ask you the same thing I asked last time when you were wondering if you should divorce her because she wouldn't let you "relax" when you had an 18 month old and a 6 week old baby,What is with your obsession over what you will do when you are retired in 20 years?

Let me clarify as a few people may have misunderstood me. I do not currently (and should not) relax. Ever. I have 2 young kids, trust me i dont need to be reminded that there is a lot to do, 24 hrs a day. This is the life i have chosen and i own that. I work weird hours and come home to immediately jump in to help with the kids or housework until bedtime where i crash for maybe 4 hrs a night. Then rinse and repeat.

My dreams of doing nothing and binge watching TV come from the fact that I haven't relaxed in at least 7 years. Literally. I bust my ass for my family and always will. My experience with my wife's personality comes from our pre-chikdren years of marriage and years of dating prior to that. Also just knowing the type of person she is.

You asked what is with my obsession with retirement? Did I post this on the wrong forum? Last I checked this was a forum full of people obsessed with retirement. What am I missing here?

Thank you to everyone who had actual productive comments. Your words have been helpful.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy Let me clarify as a few people may have misunderstood me. I do not currently (and should not) relax. Ever. I have 2 young kids, trust me i dont need to be reminded that there is a lot to do, 24 hrs a day. This is the life i have chosen and i own that. I work weird hours and come home to immediately jump in to help with the kids or housework until bedtime where i crash for maybe 4 hrs a night. Then rinse and repeat. My dreams of doing nothing and binge watching TV come from the fact that I haven't relaxed in at least 7 years. Literally. I bust my ass for my family and always will. My experience with my wife's personality comes from our pre-chikdren years of marriage and years of dating prior to that. Also just knowing the type of person she is. You asked what is with my obsession with retirement? Did I post this on the wrong forum? Last I checked this was a forum full of people obsessed with retirement. What am I missing here? Thank you to everyone who had actual productive comments. Your words have been helpful.

Sorry you're upset but this says you knew what your spouse's personality type was before you married her and had 2 kids with her
Do you hope to change her somehow, or are you venting a little bit? I'm sure your spouse would say she busts her ass for your family too.
I do not think the people here are "obsessed" with retirement, it's a goal and a hope. If you haven't relaxed for one day in the last 7 years, saying you hope to relax in 20 years when you retire isn't going to help you much.
I'm not sure where you live but could you suffer with some SAD, last year your post about your wife and kids, (which is basically a rehash of this) came in December, do your feel better when the days are longer.

Your spouse and the mother of your kids is the way she is and if you don't like it you do have options..you seem angry and resentful of her which can't help either one of you.

You're an ATC and you sleep 4 hours a night..that scares me and should scares other flyers too.

[Silver]

Would you be willing to spend some time and money talking to a professional therapist to try and sort through some of your feelings? Perhaps just you at this point....and maybe both you and your wife down the road.


It's fine that you are posting your thoughts here, but my guess is that you have come here because there may not be anyone else you can talk to about how trapped you're feeling. (Trapped is my word....based only on a guess that this is how you feel.) Sometimes being able to verbally express some confusing and frightening issues in a safe place can help to clarify a path forward.


Just a thought.

[ATC Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan Sorry you're upset but this says you knew what your spouse's personality type was before you married her and had 2 kids with her Do you hope to change her somehow, or are you venting a little bit? I'm sure your spouse would say she busts her ass for your family too. I do not think the people here are "obsessed" with retirement, it's a goal and a hope. If you haven't relaxed for one day in the last 7 years, saying you hope to relax in 20 years when you retire isn't going to help you much. I'm not sure where you live but could you suffer with some SAD, last year your post about your wife and kids, (which is basically a rehash of this) came in December, do your feel better when the days are longer. Your spouse and the mother of your kids is the way she is and if you don't like it you do have options..you seem angry and resentful of her which can't help either one of you. You're an ATC and you sleep 4 hours a night..that scares me and should scares other flyers too.

So your advice would be to get in a time machine and reverse my life because I have a personality conflict with my wife? Actually after reading several other people's constructive advice I feel a lot better that this is a minor bump in our relationship. Thank you very much for your "helpful", judgemental, and completely unproductive responses, ivinsfan! I'm glad I could boost you up onto your high horse.

Also thank you for providing advice about the amount of my retirement daydreaming. Especially since it is completely counterproductive and has little to nothing to do with my original question.

Lastly, if you knew anything about shift work you'd understand that sleep doesn't come well to us. The US ATC system is the safest, most efficient system in the world. And I hate to break it to you, it's full of depressed, anxious, sleep deprived people who take a very high level of pride in their work.

[ATC Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Silver Would you be willing to spend some time and money talking to a professional therapist to try and sort through some of your feelings? Perhaps just you at this point....and maybe both you and your wife down the road. It's fine that you are posting your thoughts here, but my guess is that you have come here because there may not be anyone else you can talk to about how trapped you're feeling. (Trapped is my word....based only on a guess that this is how you feel.) Sometimes being able to verbally express some confusing and frightening issues in a safe place can help to clarify a path forward. Just a thought.

Yes this is how I feel! Seeing what you wrote, I never thought of it that way. I guess I don't feel comfortable seeking a therapist. I have brought it up in the past to my wife and she acted like I was crazy. I guess right now I feel the need to be the rock for my family and feel like getting a therapist erodes that image.

I do ask these things online because I have nobody to help me think these things out. I guess I'm just stuck right now. I love my family and job. I also daydream about my future and retirement. I want to make sure I'm making all the right choices.

[cathy63]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy Yes this is how I feel! Seeing what you wrote, I never thought of it that way. I guess I don't feel comfortable seeking a therapist. I have brought it up in the past to my wife and she acted like I was crazy. I guess right now I feel the need to be the rock for my family and feel like getting a therapist erodes that image. I do ask these things online because I have nobody to help me think these things out. I guess I'm just stuck right now. I love my family and job. I also daydream about my future and retirement. I want to make sure I'm making all the right choices.

Does your employer (I don't know if it would be the FAA or a union?) provide an EAP? Please look into it and give them a call. Typically these programs are run by a third party and they are free and anonymous. The provider gives your employer stats about the number of calls they take, but they don't provide any identifying info about who called. These services are there to help you think these things through and identify actions you can take to make things better. There is no need to tell anyone else, even your wife, if you make use of this benefit.

[ivinsfan]

A little more than one year ago this topic was a 6 page thread ,where many posters,including myself ,suggested talking to a professional. Do what you want to,its your family.
Your assessment of your fellow ATC workers is somehow disturbing and dismissive at the same time. People get stressed it's not something that erodes your image.

[brewer12345]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy Yes this is how I feel! Seeing what you wrote, I never thought of it that way. I guess I don't feel comfortable seeking a therapist. I have brought it up in the past to my wife and she acted like I was crazy. I guess right now I feel the need to be the rock for my family and feel like getting a therapist erodes that image. I do ask these things online because I have nobody to help me think these things out. I guess I'm just stuck right now. I love my family and job. I also daydream about my future and retirement. I want to make sure I'm making all the right choices.

I have been there with the two small kids and demanding job. It is draining and grinding for years. On the flip side, after a while it gets easier. The kids get old enough to need less constant care, they can do some chores/take some responsibility, etc. Maybe you will get a break on the work stress. And so on. Its tough now, but it will get better over time and long before 20 years. Hang in there.

[pb4uski]

+1

[daylatedollarshort]

I agree it gets easier with the kids - at least the day to day care. Not having one in diapers, then not having two in diapers, then one or both in preschool, then one or both in grade school and so on until they are driving themselves to school and sports practice.

It sounds like a little down time for you now might be helpful. I used to hire neighborhood 10 - 11 year olds just to come and play with our kids. Tweens are usually too young at that age to get real babysitting jobs but 11 is old enough to play with young kids in the backyard and keep them busy with an adult at home. It would give me some time to pay bills, make calls or just have a cup of coffee. Also we used to swap babysitting nights or afternoons with friends, like we'd have four kids to watch Friday nights but then Saturday nights free. Sometimes it is easier having four to watch than two if they play nicely together because they will keep each other occupied.

[ponyboy]

lol...didnt realize OP opened another thread asking if they should get divorced. Sounds like the marriage is going well. That or they're doing a good job at trolling.

[MichaelB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ponyboy lol...didnt realize OP opened another thread asking if they should get divorced. Sounds like the marriage is going well. That or they're doing a good job at trolling.

Why don't you give it a rest, eh?

[FUEGO]

I'd suggest you plan on FIRE with an adequate buffer so that you can hire a maid and the occasional handyman/plumber/landscaper so you don't have to tackle all those onerous chores on your own.

Then when you FIRE you can have HIS activities, HER activities, OUR activities, and a fourth category of activities that neither of you want to undertake (outsource those). Make sure you take care of HIS activities and play a role in OUR activities.

Be proactive in planning your day or week. Nothing wrong with "I plan to do very little today. Can we go shopping for new linens tomorrow instead?". Also nothing wrong with identifying what you have to tackle during the week and spreading it out so it's not too burdensome. I don't really like doing more than 1-2 things per day.

With 168 hours in the average week, and probably no more than 10-20 hours of chores during a given week, you probably won't face more than an hour or three of work each day.

[bclover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ponyboy lol...didnt realize OP opened another thread asking if they should get divorced. Sounds like the marriage is going well. That or they're doing a good job at trolling.

LOL . I'd love to hear her side of the story.

Op, how about concentrating on keeping the marriage together? Seriously?
You're stressing at 29 about whether or not you'll have enough down time at 50!!

stop wasting energy.