Year 2 retirement blues

[BellBarbara]

I was bored and joined Meetup. From there I attended a few of the various meetups - two in particular dealt with wine tasting. I made a new friend, and then I did not feel so bored anymore. There are all kinds of meetups, it's a good way to try things. Hiking, hobbies movies, dinners out, etc.

www.meetup.com

 

[FIREd]

I am sorry for your loss.

Reading your post I feel a frantic need to "do" things. Perhaps "doing" is a way for you to keep busy and avoid confronting the pain of what you have gone through. It might be beneficial for you to talk to a grief counselor or support group.

And once you find some inner peace, you may start to see that "being" can be just as fulfilling as "doing".

 

[Dancer373]

Lisa, I lost my mother, husband and best friend with in 18 months, so I know how you feel. It's hard. I've found 2 volunteer activities activities that let me make my own hours. The local rural elementary school hadn't had a librarian in years so I stepped in. I make my own hours. The local animal shelter is happy to have any help, any time. The dogs need exercise and a little kindness. Both activities are so appreciated and they make me feel good. I hope you can find something to get out of the house and give you a little peace. Good luck......

 

[ER Eddie]

My take on it is that you sound like you're unmoored a bit by the loss of your parents and dogs, and also your job identity earlier. It can be disorienting, to lose all of those mooring posts so suddenly and cumulatively like that.

I hear a sort of existential angst in your words, "I've lost my place in the world." I think it's natural, with the losses you've had. I'd suggest, rather than trying to find some new activities right away, instead you spend some time introspecting. What really matters to you? What is most important in life? What do you value the most? What is core to who you are? I think introspecting about what matters can help you to find your bearings.

 

[pjigar]

I am not retired but I have had so many things/hobbies interested me so far in life that I can't find time for all of them. If you have had any phase like that in your working life then try to go back to all those "shelved" hobbies/interests. I have so many "shelved projects" (literally packed in it's own dedicated box and shelved) that I will need a decade to pursue them all.

 

[mamadogmamacat]

getting another dog. perhaps an older one that needs little training because right now with your losses structure and focus will naturally not be your strong suit, is i think the best first step. One that needs lots of long leisurely walks would be best for you both. rescuing an animal that my be passed over by those wanting a puppy or young dog would hopefully help bring you out of focusing on your losses in a negative way. Also dogs are not judgmental in any way and if you need to cry on their necks once in a while long after the humans in your life have lost patience with grief, you can do so

 

[JBmadera]

Very sorry for your losses. Deciding how we are going to do this retirement thing has turned into a huge mess. I spent way too much time focusing on fire and not near enough time figuring out what we would do all day. Gotten so bad I don't expect we will survive it, together.

Hope you find a happy balance and get to enjoy your hard earned retirement.

 

[Music Lover]

Learn how to play a musical instrument and then maybe join a band.

 

[Nemo2]

Learn how to play a musical instrument and then maybe join a band.

"Said, I'm going down to Yasgur's Farm
Gonna join in a rock and roll band
Got to get back to the land and set my soul free"

 

[NW-Bound]

I remember a poster who said he just wanted to bang on a drum all day. Can't remember who that was, though I am sure he's a frequent poster. There goes my "superior" memory.

 

[NW-Bound]

Very sorry for your losses. Deciding how we are going to do this retirement thing has turned into a huge mess. I spent way too much time focusing on fire and not near enough time figuring out what we would do all day. Gotten so bad I don't expect we will survive it, together...

That's pretty bad.

 

[CaptTom]

I remember a poster who said he just wanted to bang on a drum all day.

Didn't know Todd posted here.

 

[mystang52]

Excellent responses here. I have 2 more suggestions that may help. One easy way to pass some time is You Tube. I sometimes spend an hour, or maybe more, watching music videos (a few days back I watched a whole Bee Gees concert). You Tube also has entertaining videos for every taste/subject matter.
A second suggestion I heartily recommend: Go away for one night. DW and I have done this for years. We find some new thing to do that's just far enough away that we don't want to do the same day round trip. The change of scenery, and staying in a hotel for the night, is incredibly recharging (and as a great side benefit: something about a hotel room puts both of us in a randy mood)

 

[Dawg52]

Lisa , losing one parent is hard so losing two is even harder . Give yourself time to adjust to this . Retirement will evolve into something great just give it time . Join a gym and take a few classes , join some clubs ,find new friends or a find a fun hobby . It will all come to you in time .

+1.

Get another dog.

Agree. Dogs are great companions and exercise buddies.

Although I don't belong to a gym, I can see how adding that to one's routine could help someone looking for structure. If I didn't have golf, bike riding and dog walking in my life I would probably join a health club. Perhaps a fun part time job is something to consider.

 

[Throwdownmyaceinthehole]

Things I've done, took women's sailing classes and bought a small sailboat, took up the ukulele, started crocheting baby blankets to donate, reading authors from their first book forward to see how they developed, taking my first drawing class this Thursday, working out more at the Y, took up pie baking, having lunch and coffee dates, some but not much volunteer work that didn't require a lot of time, traveled, traveled, traveled. ANYTHING but house cleaning!!!!

 

[HadEnuff]

Hi, Lisa,
So you want to be out and about, rather than at home. Good idea, it's good for your mind and your attitude. I'm not sure if you've read Ernie Zielinski's, "How to Retire Wild, Happy, and Free." It's thought provoking, at the very least.

Others have mentioned several things, I'll repeat and augment (I retired in mid-2009 just for reference). Retirement is a process. You need to discover those things that intrigue you. Travelling with your husband is one, but it sounds like you need to be with people. So:

Meetup.com - in your local area, walking groups, movie clubs, travel groups, meet for coffee groups. Check it out.

Certainly local colleges and universities offer classes that you might be able to audit. Google Lifelong Learning, there are two that I know of Lifelong Learning Alliance, and Osher Lifelong Learning. They offer classes for seniors, often less than a full quarter, no books, no papers, no tests. Come curious and participate. I've been studying Geology since 2009, but often intersperse it with current affairs, literature, and history classes.

If there is a gym nearby, join it, and go frequently - you'll meet many people. If you have a Medicare Supplement or Medicare Advantage plan, many insurers offer gym memberships as a part of your premium. You'll feel better too (or at least I do).

Volunteer - this is the part where your passion comes in. Google the local United Way, their member charities can post openings for volunteers. I often help out at pledge drives at the local NPR station, do a little work for my faith-based organization (when it moves me), but my passion is the local humane society. I take pictures and write descriptions of the dogs that are ready for adoption. Then I talk with the other volunteers about the ones we worry for the most, and cheer when they get a new home.

You'll find what interests you, approach it slowly, and soon you could be spending a lot of time doing things outside your home, and making time for the things you and your husband like to do. The difference between work and this: you don't have to do any of it if you don't FEEL like it.

Rita

I say this all the time. "Retirement is a process"...like many, if not all, life changing moves, it take most of us some time to adjust to it.

Lots of good advice here, and I'll throw one more thing out there, just to be somewhat contrary. Don't completely rule out the idea of going back to work. It's really not a four letter word. And if you don't like it, you can "retire" again, but maybe with a better frame of mind about it.

Whatever you do, take your time. After what you've been through, you maybe just need to let life come to you for a while.

Good Luck, and be peaceful.

 

[Midpack]

I understand how the OP feels. I enjoyed retirement for at least two years, but it was mostly the relief of getting off the hamster wheel and all the possibilities were shiny and new. But about three years in, the novelty began to wear off, 'what will I do all day' started to lean in.

Like others have said, you went through a lot, it's not surprising that'll all take time to accept.

Like others have said, I'd suggest you sit down and reflect on what you'd like to try next. Easier said than done? Just before I retired I completed Zelinski's Get-A-Life Tree exercise. It didn't take that long once I focused and it was very helpful, gave me that final confidence to retire. And I have used it to build my next chapter. Zelinski's challenge is to come up with 50 branches off the four main branches (see below). I highly recommend the exercise, you can get the details in Zelinski's book (The Joy Of Not Working) at your library - it's only about 6 pages to read, and there's a list that will help you think about possibilities.

And finally FWIW. DW and I have had dogs, two at a time, our entire married life. The last one passed away a few years ago, and we've consciously been without to enable travel and boating. But I think we know we're happier with dogs in our lives, and the trade hasn't been worth it for us. I think we need dogs in our lives to be happier.

 

[H2ODude]

Lots of great responses here.

I agree the observation that the stress of all the life events has been a major contributor to your unease, Lisa. I've been through all those events but sprinkled out over many years (well, except the RV thing). Can't imagine doing it all in a year.

The transition from "doing" to "being" is something that while I'm still in the process of, is significant for those who generally identify themselves as what they accomplish. You just have to keep trying, experiment, read, and look for those things that give you joy. It can take time. I'm 6 years in and still have my times of "what now?" Sometimes the best medicine is to go to lunch w ex-colleagues and realize how bizarre it would be to still be in the w__kplace. Just about everyone has to retire sometime, and we're all fortunate enough to either be there or have a plan. I'm just thankful that for us it happened while we were still young enough and healthy enough to work through these issues and get to where we're comfortable as relaxed retirees.

 

[H2ODude]

Oh, and about the dogs. We've always had them and our two hounds are our buddies. However, we've sworn that when they go that's it because they're a real wet blanket on traveling, especially spur of the moment. Fortunately we have a great house/pet sitter but she's not always available and we hate to jail them. So as much as they add to your life they can be a serious restriction. It will be interesting to see how when our last departs if we can resist the urge to have one.

 

[Maenad]

Way back when I was a year out of college, within a 3 month span a friend committed suicide, an old family friend/surrogate grandmother died, and my paternal grandmother's dementia progressed to the point that we had to move her to a nursing home.

I wasn't happy for a year after that. Literally, an entire year.

Your losses have been much greater. You are allowed to be unhappy. Please give yourself permission.

There's some great advice in this thread. Take care of yourself in whatever of these ways work for you, even if that means going back to work for the structure it provides.

 

[street]

Every once in a while in my first year of retirement I had a day here and there that I was really down because I did miss my work and friends that I left behind. I also went through parents dying just before retiring and went through some other changes in life that were life changing. All these things can cause for being down and feeling sorry for myself. I think these feelings are very normal but we have to take control to over come those feeling.

It maybe that we have it so easy now being retired early. I think how lucky we are that we don't have to work each day to live. Not everyone can be that lucky. You are a very lucky person to be able to have that where so many will never have that event. Make each day a happy one in any way that you can make yourself happy. Good luck

 

[kcowan]

We retired in 2002. We had MIL pass in 2008 and both our brothers pass in 2009. So we both had feelings of being alone. But we managed. Then we lost both our cats, one in January 2015 and the other in June 2016.

We are now empty nesters where even the branches are baren. But we soldier on and can anticipate no further crises as long as our health holds.

We each spend half a day on our devices and reserve the other half for real activities, sometimes together and sometimes apart. It seems to be working just fine. Not great but fine.

 

[ER Eddie]

+1 on the dog. Better love you will not find. "If there are no dogs in heaven, I don't want to go." I'd suggest getting one from a shelter. That way, you save a life.

+1 on allowing for some type of low-hours work as a possibility, if you are interested in that. It can provide plenty of benefits besides money.

+1 on reflecting and letting the process unfold. I read the Satisfying Retirement blog sometimes, and he talks about how it took him roughly three years to adjust to retirement. I think an extended adjustment period is common, even in people without all the losses you've had.

 

[LARS]

Best advice given your recent horrible events is to relax, take life at least for six months as it comes, and only than worry about "what's next". Even if you think you've got a good emotional handle on your life, the events you've been through are deeply impactful in ways that are not readily apparent.

So give yourself a break for a while...

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I guess I don't know what I do want to do. DH can sit all day and play on his iPad, but I'm not wired that way. On the positive side, my house is well on it's way to being spotless!

If you've been through something similar what advice would you pass on?

I'm not a spur of the moment kind of person so I plan out a lot of events for the month. Your poster info says you live in Las Vegas, do you like to go out and see the shows? I like to plan a few events each week so we always have things to look forward to. This week it is a play, a special event night at the planetarium and a newt walk at a regional park. We fill in with senior club activities, Taco Tuesdays, Happy Hours, hikes, museum visits, movies, dining out, etc. When I get good deals on event tickets we get an extra set and invite friends. Some days we might just get carryout and a Redbox movie but usually one or both of us has some kind of outing planned most days.

We also have a dog we walk every day and otherwise dote on. We've met a lot of the neighbors and made some good friends with other dog owners in the neighborhood from our walks.