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Your time or their's
Old 10-31-2006, 10:02 AM   #1
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Your time or their's

Anyone else run into the problem of once you retire everyone and their brother thinks your time is up for grabs. They figure you can help with this and that or what ever just because you are not working. Alternatively, maybe it is just me and I am selfish.
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 10-31-2006, 11:01 AM   #2
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Re: Your time or their's

The situation arises from time to time, but it's only a problem if you allow it to be. Just give folks candid, honest answers regarding their requests and then don't worry about it!
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 10-31-2006, 01:07 PM   #3
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Re: Your time or their's

Quote:
Originally Posted by youbet
The situation arises from time to time, but it's only a problem if you allow it to be. Just give folks candid, honest answers regarding their requests and then don't worry about it!
I agree with the not worrying about it too much, but i disagree with the honesty. Honesty's very overrated. For example, if you want to be on the bad end of family relations, say " you dont feel like it today" when asked to help them out on something. Watch "liar, liar" to get a feel for what kind of life true honesty gets you.
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 10-31-2006, 02:09 PM   #4
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Re: Your time or their's

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azanon
I agree with the not worrying about it too much, but i disagree with the honesty. Honesty's very overrated. For example, if you want to be on the bad end of family relations, say " you dont feel like it today" when asked to help them out on something. Watch "liar, liar" to get a feel for what kind of life true honesty gets you.
Well, honesty doesn't equal telling every last detail. "I'm sorry, I don't have time for X" is honest. "I'm sorry, I don't have time for X because I'm doing Y" is providing useless detail.

If they press with "What are you possibly doing" you can, depending on how close you are to the questioner, say, "Oh, I won't bore you with details," or "I have an appointment then."

Again, don't be too specific and if they keep pressing you can point out that they're being nosy (however you think best).

Generic "yous" above, just to be clear.
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 10-31-2006, 02:46 PM   #5
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Re: Your time or their's

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azanon
I agree with the not worrying about it too much, but i disagree with the honesty. Honesty's very overrated. For example, if you want to be on the bad end of family relations, say " you dont feel like it today" when asked to help them out on something. Watch "liar, liar" to get a feel for what kind of life true honesty gets you.
Read "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith. Great tactics for dealing with these situations.
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 10-31-2006, 03:41 PM   #6
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Re: Your time or their's

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azanon
I agree with the not worrying about it too much, but i disagree with the honesty. Honesty's very overrated. For example, if you want to be on the bad end of family relations, say " you dont feel like it today" when asked to help them out on something. Watch "liar, liar" to get a feel for what kind of life true honesty gets you.
I still go with the total honesty, although it does get me in lots
of trouble. Remember though, you don't have to say everything you're
thinkin'.

JG
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 10-31-2006, 08:57 PM   #7
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Re: Your time or their's

Quote:
Originally Posted by peggy
Well, honesty doesn't equal telling every last detail. "I'm sorry, I don't have time for X" is honest. "I'm sorry, I don't have time for X because I'm doing Y" is providing useless detail.

If they press with "What are you possibly doing" you can, depending on how close you are to the questioner, say, "Oh, I won't bore you with details," or "I have an appointment then."

Again, don't be too specific and if they keep pressing you can point out that they're being nosy (however you think best).

Generic "yous" above, just to be clear.
Well said Peggy. Honesty doesn't mean revealing personal/private information, it simply means not lying. You can be polite and honest at the same time.
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-01-2006, 06:28 AM   #8
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Re: Your time or their's

Quote:
Read "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith. Great tactics for dealing with these situations.
Sorry I don't have time, ah I have an appointment.

JebNY
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-01-2006, 07:17 AM   #9
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Re: Your time or their's

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb-NY
Sorry I don't have time, ah I have an appointment.

JebNY
Very good! Even if that appointment is drinking pina coladas on the beach!
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-01-2006, 07:22 AM   #10
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Re: Your time or their's

I've had a situation where as a relative asked " when ever you have a chance could you do X for me, I would really appreciate it". Well if you say "I don't have the time" or "I have an appointment", then the way they look at it is.........you just don't want to do it since they haven't put a time limit on it. I ended up doing it since it involved welding and I know it would have cost them if I didn't. It's the statement " when ever you have a chance" that gets to me.
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-01-2006, 09:52 AM   #11
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Re: Your time or their's

Quote:
Originally Posted by runnerr
Anyone else run into the problem of once you retire everyone and their brother thinks your time is up for grabs. They figure you can help with this and that or what ever just because you are not working. Alternatively, maybe it is just me and I am selfish.
Oooh, yeah. "Hey, you're the retired guy! Can you help us..." I don't mind meeting people & having new experiences. But if you're not going to stick up for yourself then who else will?

I've never been cold-called to volunteer my time, and I get the impression that most non-profits & charities prefer to be subtle about their recruiting. If you don't offer then they won't ask.

As for relatives & friends, I tell people that I have my afternoons and some mornings free, but weekends are family time. Usually they're looking for a limited amount of help, not much more than an hour or two. Usually I enjoy the experience. If I don't, the response is "Well, I can help you for a couple hours on Tuesday" or "Nope, I can't make that time". If I know the friend well and really want to help, then I'll say "The surf forecast won't calm down until next Tuesday. Can it wait until then?"

I enjoy helping neighbors with home repairs, and one (single mother raising three kids) is very happy to know that she can call anytime. She insists on paying with yummy baked goods or $25/hour and I don't object. One of her kids just got a part-time job at our local Thai restaurant so this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I guess the trick to handling these requests is setting limits-- whether that limit is the # of times you'll help, the # of hours each time, or the $$ you want to be paid. OTOH last week I got a call from a small non-profit on whose board I used to be Treasurer. I left that job last November at the end of a three-year term and was mildly concerned that the IRS might find a problem with a tax return, but the call was to tell me that the new Treasurer wasn't working out (family crisis) and could I please help. We agreed that I'd donate 10 man-hours at $50/hour (the board president used the word "begging" to my spouse) and then hand the mess off to another former Treasurer who'd finish the cleanup. So now I'm staring at a couple cubic feet of paper scraps & unopened envelopes, knowing that very little's been done with my old files and my highly-organized turnover binder, and wondering how much they're going to be paying in penalties for not filing a semi-annual state excise tax form last May... W-9s, 1099-MISCs, and Form 990s are beckoning...
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-01-2006, 10:11 AM   #12
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Re: Your time or their's

Hmmm

Transending space and time - er ah both working and ER years - the ownership of a ratty old pickup drew all kinds of recruitment offers both when we lived in the city and country.

I did notice those those few times/yrs we owned 'newer' pickups with camper shells - there were less requests to haul/move the really grotty stuff - ala race track hay for garden mulch to recall one episode.

heh heh heh heh - I did get sick of free T shirts and coffee cups in another venue - don't let anybody know if you are O positive.
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-01-2006, 01:41 PM   #13
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Re: Your time or their's

Quote:
Originally Posted by My Dream
I've had a situation where as a relative asked " when ever you have a chance could you do X for me, I would really appreciate it". Well if you say "I don't have the time" or "I have an appointment", then the way they look at it is.........you just don't want to do it since they haven't put a time limit on it. I ended up doing it since it involved welding and I know it would have cost them if I didn't. It's the statement " when ever you have a chance" that gets to me.
Three ways to address this: 1) You never "have a chance." Since their request is so open-ended, just forget about it until they ask you again, then repeat the previous reason, "I don't have time," or whatever it was.

2) Say "I don't feel like it." They can't argue with your feelings. If they insist, use the Broken Record technique, and keep repeating "I just don't feel like it" until they get the message.

Really, read "When I Say No I Feel Guilty," it's a great book.

3) Say "My time is valuable to me, even if I'm just relaxing. Would you agree my time is valuable?" No one is going to say your time is worthless. If they do, just walk away becaue they're not worth having as a friend. When they say yes, say "OK, I'll do your job for $X (whatever you think the job is worth to you), because that's what my time worth to me. When do you want to get started?" If they still want you to do it, you've made some cash. If not, problem solved. (If you really don't want to do the job, make the price sky-high so they'll instantly say no).
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-02-2006, 08:47 AM   #14
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Re: Your time or their's

If they asked I probably would help. Even if they didn't ask, I might offer.

If everyone kept asking for my help so that I was running out of time for myself, I might say that "Man, since I retired, everyone wants me to do x, y and z, and I am not getting any time for myself. Can you have someone else help with that?

But then again, I am not in your shoes, and maybe people are being a PITA and taking advantage of you.

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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-02-2006, 08:57 AM   #15
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Re: Your time or their's

The main thing people want me to do for them since I retired is make them dinner (I'm cool with that) or go out to lunch with them (not so much--once a week, occasionally twice, is often enough for me). My mother would like me to go shopping with her more, but an hour a week is about all I can stand. My guess is an hour a day is her minimum shopping fix!

My husband gets asked to deal with computer issues and minor household repairs for family and some neighbors (recover from virus damage and install malware checker, set up a new computer or home network and/or firewall, check out and maybe fix plumbing leaks, reboot well motor, replace caulk around something). He enjoys it--but he isn't quite retired yet.
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-02-2006, 09:38 AM   #16
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Re: Your time or their's

Arrgh, you just reminded me I need to pull the ACs out of my mother-in-laws windows!

A 10 minute job until you add the 1 hour commute. Sooo the trip will turn into a family visit for the afternoon/evening. That's the way it goes ....
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-02-2006, 10:21 AM   #17
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Re: Your time or their's

Anyone who has owned a pickup can relate. Seems there's a visible to everyone but you sign on your door that says "Available: Free Moving Services"...
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-02-2006, 10:24 AM   #18
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Re: Your time or their's

Quote:
Originally Posted by HFWR
Anyone who has owned a pickup can relate. Seems there's a visible to everyone but you sign on your door that says "Available: Free Moving Services"...
I've developed an automatic defense mechanism to protect myself from this problem. Whenever the slightest hint of moving comes up in a conversation, the following words fall out of my mouth: "Be sure and let me know when you're planning to move because I'm going to be out of town that week."

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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-02-2006, 10:31 AM   #19
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Re: Your time or their's

"I'm moving. Will you help me?"

25 year old -- "yes"

35 YO -- "Do you have a piano?"

45 YO -- "no"
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Re: Your time or their's
Old 11-02-2006, 10:32 AM   #20
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Re: Your time or their's

52yo - HELL NO!!
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