Your time or their's

runnerr · 10-31-2006, 10:02 AM

Anyone else run into the problem of once you retire everyone and their brother thinks your time is up for grabs. They figure you can help with this and that or what ever just because you are not working. Alternatively, maybe it is just me and I am selfish.

youbet · 10-31-2006, 11:01 AM

The situation arises from time to time, but it's only a problem if you allow it to be. Just give folks candid, honest answers regarding their requests and then don't worry about it!

azanon · 10-31-2006, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbet

The situation arises from time to time, but it's only a problem if you allow it to be. Just give folks candid, honest answers regarding their requests and then don't worry about it!

I agree with the not worrying about it too much, but i disagree with the honesty. Honesty's very overrated. For example, if you want to be on the bad end of family relations, say " you dont feel like it today" when asked to help them out on something. Watch "liar, liar" to get a feel for what kind of life true honesty gets you.

peggy · 10-31-2006, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azanon

I agree with the not worrying about it too much, but i disagree with the honesty. Honesty's very overrated. For example, if you want to be on the bad end of family relations, say " you dont feel like it today" when asked to help them out on something. Watch "liar, liar" to get a feel for what kind of life true honesty gets you.

Well, honesty doesn't equal telling every last detail. "I'm sorry, I don't have time for X" is honest. "I'm sorry, I don't have time for X because I'm doing Y" is providing useless detail.

If they press with "What are you possibly doing" you can, depending on how close you are to the questioner, say, "Oh, I won't bore you with details," or "I have an appointment then."

Again, don't be too specific and if they keep pressing you can point out that they're being nosy (however you think best).

Generic "yous" above, just to be clear.

Patrick · 10-31-2006, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azanon

I agree with the not worrying about it too much, but i disagree with the honesty. Honesty's very overrated. For example, if you want to be on the bad end of family relations, say " you dont feel like it today" when asked to help them out on something. Watch "liar, liar" to get a feel for what kind of life true honesty gets you.

Read "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith. Great tactics for dealing with these situations.

Mr._johngalt · 10-31-2006, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azanon

I agree with the not worrying about it too much, but i disagree with the honesty. Honesty's very overrated. For example, if you want to be on the bad end of family relations, say " you dont feel like it today" when asked to help them out on something. Watch "liar, liar" to get a feel for what kind of life true honesty gets you.

I still go with the total honesty, although it does get me in lots
of trouble. Remember though, you don't have to say everything you're
thinkin'.

JG

ash · 10-31-2006, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peggy

Well, honesty doesn't equal telling every last detail. "I'm sorry, I don't have time for X" is honest. "I'm sorry, I don't have time for X because I'm doing Y" is providing useless detail.

If they press with "What are you possibly doing" you can, depending on how close you are to the questioner, say, "Oh, I won't bore you with details," or "I have an appointment then."

Again, don't be too specific and if they keep pressing you can point out that they're being nosy (however you think best).

Generic "yous" above, just to be clear.

Well said Peggy. Honesty doesn't mean revealing personal/private information, it simply means not lying. You can be polite and honest at the same time.

Jeb-NY · 11-01-2006, 06:28 AM

Quote:

Read "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith. Great tactics for dealing with these situations.

Sorry I don't have time, ah I have an appointment.

JebNY

Patrick · 11-01-2006, 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeb-NY

Sorry I don't have time, ah I have an appointment.

JebNY

Very good! Even if that appointment is drinking pina coladas on the beach!

My Dream · 11-01-2006, 07:22 AM

I've had a situation where as a relative asked " when ever you have a chance could you do X for me, I would really appreciate it". Well if you say "I don't have the time" or "I have an appointment", then the way they look at it is.........you just don't want to do it since they haven't put a time limit on it. I ended up doing it since it involved welding and I know it would have cost them if I didn't. It's the statement " when ever you have a chance" that gets to me.

Nords · 11-01-2006, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by runnerr

Anyone else run into the problem of once you retire everyone and their brother thinks your time is up for grabs. They figure you can help with this and that or what ever just because you are not working. Alternatively, maybe it is just me and I am selfish.

Oooh, yeah. "Hey, you're the retired guy! Can you help us..." I don't mind meeting people & having new experiences. But if you're not going to stick up for yourself then who else will?

I've never been cold-called to volunteer my time, and I get the impression that most non-profits & charities prefer to be subtle about their recruiting. If you don't offer then they won't ask.

As for relatives & friends, I tell people that I have my afternoons and some mornings free, but weekends are family time. Usually they're looking for a limited amount of help, not much more than an hour or two. Usually I enjoy the experience. If I don't, the response is "Well, I can help you for a couple hours on Tuesday" or "Nope, I can't make that time". If I know the friend well and really want to help, then I'll say "The surf forecast won't calm down until next Tuesday. Can it wait until then?"

I enjoy helping neighbors with home repairs, and one (single mother raising three kids) is very happy to know that she can call anytime. She insists on paying with yummy baked goods or $25/hour and I don't object. One of her kids just got a part-time job at our local Thai restaurant so this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I guess the trick to handling these requests is setting limits-- whether that limit is the # of times you'll help, the # of hours each time, or the $$ you want to be paid. OTOH last week I got a call from a small non-profit on whose board I used to be Treasurer. I left that job last November at the end of a three-year term and was mildly concerned that the IRS might find a problem with a tax return, but the call was to tell me that the new Treasurer wasn't working out (family crisis) and could I please help. We agreed that I'd donate 10 man-hours at $50/hour (the board president used the word "begging" to my spouse) and then hand the mess off to another former Treasurer who'd finish the cleanup. So now I'm staring at a couple cubic feet of paper scraps & unopened envelopes, knowing that very little's been done with my old files and my highly-organized turnover binder, and wondering how much they're going to be paying in penalties for not filing a semi-annual state excise tax form last May... W-9s, 1099-MISCs, and Form 990s are beckoning...

unclemick · 11-01-2006, 10:11 AM

Hmmm

Transending space and time - er ah both working and ER years - the ownership of a ratty old pickup drew all kinds of recruitment offers both when we lived in the city and country.

I did notice those those few times/yrs we owned 'newer' pickups with camper shells - there were less requests to haul/move the really grotty stuff - ala race track hay for garden mulch to recall one episode.

heh heh heh heh - I did get sick of free T shirts and coffee cups in another venue - don't let anybody know if you are O positive.

Patrick · 11-01-2006, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My Dream

I've had a situation where as a relative asked " when ever you have a chance could you do X for me, I would really appreciate it". Well if you say "I don't have the time" or "I have an appointment", then the way they look at it is.........you just don't want to do it since they haven't put a time limit on it. I ended up doing it since it involved welding and I know it would have cost them if I didn't. It's the statement " when ever you have a chance" that gets to me.

Three ways to address this: 1) You never "have a chance." Since their request is so open-ended, just forget about it until they ask you again, then repeat the previous reason, "I don't have time," or whatever it was.

2) Say "I don't feel like it." They can't argue with your feelings. If they insist, use the Broken Record technique, and keep repeating "I just don't feel like it" until they get the message.

Really, read "When I Say No I Feel Guilty," it's a great book.

3) Say "My time is valuable to me, even if I'm just relaxing. Would you agree my time is valuable?" No one is going to say your time is worthless. If they do, just walk away becaue they're not worth having as a friend. When they say yes, say "OK, I'll do your job for $X (whatever you think the job is worth to you), because that's what my time worth to me. When do you want to get started?" If they still want you to do it, you've made some cash. If not, problem solved. (If you really don't want to do the job, make the price sky-high so they'll instantly say no).

**Martha** · 11-02-2006, 08:47 AM

If they asked I probably would help. Even if they didn't ask, I might offer.

If everyone kept asking for my help so that I was running out of time for myself, I might say that "Man, since I retired, everyone wants me to do x, y and z, and I am not getting any time for myself. Can you have someone else help with that?

But then again, I am not in your shoes, and maybe people are being a PITA and taking advantage of you.

astromeria · 11-02-2006, 08:57 AM

The main thing people want me to do for them since I retired is make them dinner (I'm cool with that) or go out to lunch with them (not so much--once a week, occasionally twice, is often enough for me). My mother would like me to go shopping with her more, but an hour a week is about all I can stand. My guess is an hour a day is her minimum shopping fix!

My husband gets asked to deal with computer issues and minor household repairs for family and some neighbors (recover from virus damage and install malware checker, set up a new computer or home network and/or firewall, check out and maybe fix plumbing leaks, reboot well motor, replace caulk around something). He enjoys it--but he isn't quite retired yet.

tryan · 11-02-2006, 09:38 AM

Arrgh, you just reminded me I need to pull the ACs out of my mother-in-laws windows!

A 10 minute job until you add the 1 hour commute. Sooo the trip will turn into a family visit for the afternoon/evening. That's the way it goes ....

HFWR · 11-02-2006, 10:21 AM

Anyone who has owned a pickup can relate. Seems there's a visible to everyone but you sign on your door that says "Available: Free Moving Services"...

**REWahoo** · 11-02-2006, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HFWR

Anyone who has owned a pickup can relate. Seems there's a visible to everyone but you sign on your door that says "Available: Free Moving Services"...

I've developed an automatic defense mechanism to protect myself from this problem. Whenever the slightest hint of moving comes up in a conversation, the following words fall out of my mouth: "Be sure and let me know when you're planning to move because I'm going to be out of town that week."

jeff2006 · 11-02-2006, 10:31 AM

"I'm moving. Will you help me?"

25 year old -- "yes"

35 YO -- "Do you have a piano?"

45 YO -- "no"

10-31-2006, 10:02 AM	#1
runnerr Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 113	Your time or their's Anyone else run into the problem of once you retire everyone and their brother thinks your time is up for grabs. They figure you can help with this and that or what ever just because you are not working. Alternatively, maybe it is just me and I am selfish.

10-31-2006, 11:01 AM	#2
youbet Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 4,503	Re: Your time or their's The situation arises from time to time, but it's only a problem if you allow it to be. Just give folks candid, honest answers regarding their requests and then don't worry about it! __________________ Over all was the silence of the wilderness - Sigurd Olsen

11-01-2006, 07:22 AM	#10
My Dream Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 372	Re: Your time or their's I've had a situation where as a relative asked " when ever you have a chance could you do X for me, I would really appreciate it". Well if you say "I don't have the time" or "I have an appointment", then the way they look at it is.........you just don't want to do it since they haven't put a time limit on it. I ended up doing it since it involved welding and I know it would have cost them if I didn't. It's the statement " when ever you have a chance" that gets to me. __________________ Newbie

11-01-2006, 10:11 AM	#12
unclemick Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ... Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: north of Kansas City Posts: 5,646	Re: Your time or their's Hmmm Transending space and time - er ah both working and ER years - the ownership of a ratty old pickup drew all kinds of recruitment offers both when we lived in the city and country. I did notice those those few times/yrs we owned 'newer' pickups with camper shells - there were less requests to haul/move the really grotty stuff - ala race track hay for garden mulch to recall one episode. heh heh heh heh - I did get sick of free T shirts and coffee cups in another venue - don't let anybody know if you are O positive.

11-02-2006, 08:47 AM	#14
Martha Administrator Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: minnesota Posts: 10,065	Re: Your time or their's If they asked I probably would help. Even if they didn't ask, I might offer. If everyone kept asking for my help so that I was running out of time for myself, I might say that "Man, since I retired, everyone wants me to do x, y and z, and I am not getting any time for myself. Can you have someone else help with that? But then again, I am not in your shoes, and maybe people are being a PITA and taking advantage of you. __________________ . Do not rely on the information provided--my posts are not to be taken as legal advice. Needless to say you must consult with your legal representative. I am not responsible for errors. If I offended you with cya I apologize. If I did not, I tried.

11-02-2006, 08:57 AM	#15
astromeria Moderator Emeritus Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 1,375	Re: Your time or their's The main thing people want me to do for them since I retired is make them dinner (I'm cool with that) or go out to lunch with them (not so much--once a week, occasionally twice, is often enough for me). My mother would like me to go shopping with her more, but an hour a week is about all I can stand. My guess is an hour a day is her minimum shopping fix! My husband gets asked to deal with computer issues and minor household repairs for family and some neighbors (recover from virus damage and install malware checker, set up a new computer or home network and/or firewall, check out and maybe fix plumbing leaks, reboot well motor, replace caulk around something). He enjoys it--but he isn't quite retired yet. __________________ You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.

11-02-2006, 09:38 AM	#16
tryan Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 1,472	Re: Your time or their's Arrgh, you just reminded me I need to pull the ACs out of my mother-in-laws windows! A 10 minute job until you add the 1 hour commute. Sooo the trip will turn into a family visit for the afternoon/evening. That's the way it goes .... __________________ FIRE'd since 2005

11-02-2006, 10:21 AM	#17
HFWR Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ... Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 5,486	Re: Your time or their's Anyone who has owned a pickup can relate. Seems there's a visible to everyone but you sign on your door that says "Available: Free Moving Services"...

11-02-2006, 10:31 AM	#19
jeff2006 Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 174	Re: Your time or their's "I'm moving. Will you help me?" 25 year old -- "yes" 35 YO -- "Do you have a piano?" 45 YO -- "no"

11-02-2006, 10:32 AM	#20
HFWR Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...