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Old 10-22-2010, 12:41 PM   #41
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Things to think about but difficult to diagnose on a forum.
True, difficult to diagnose in forum, but that is no excuse to procrastinate getting professional advice. Another point... you don't need ALL of those symptoms to have major depression. A half or 3/4 of these symptoms is sufficient for people to be diagnosed with major depression.
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Old 10-22-2010, 12:53 PM   #42
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Could be your wife has similar feelings. If she doesn’t, she probably sees your struggle and wants to help you out, not feel part to blame.

When I had these feelings, “get away” didn’t help because I couldn’t turn off the brain. What did help was taking a short break from the big stuff and doing something – anything – than needed to be done. Just being able to cross something off my permanently growing list of stuff to do gave me a feeling of achievement, which helped my motivation.

DW and I also set aside some regular time together. Not a lot, but we found that going out to lunch or dinner alone every couple of weeks helped us get back to where we could have just small talk. Then, and now, life is much more relaxing when DW and I just sit around and talk about the little things.

Is lunch a break for you or do you eat while you work?
A word of caution... often in a struggle to feel better it is easy to shift the blame on a wife. This frequently happens if you go to a therapist who is not a doctor and relies on "talk therapy". That is a way to loose a perfectly loving wife, even though she may actually have nothing to do with your problems. Watch out for that trap. Marriage problems are one thing. Don't confused them with clinical depression. They can look the same, but the cause is very different.
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Old 10-22-2010, 01:01 PM   #43
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Sorry to hear about the rough patch brew. I know nothing about the kind of relationship you have with your wife, so rather than give advice I will only share what I would do in a similar situation. I think I'd be honest with DW and tell her I need some "me time". Nothing wrong with that. We don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7 to be a strong couple. Actually, these days, DW is the one who often needs some "me time" after a trying week at work. So I give her space on Saturdays. She goes spend time with her girlfriends, she takes a bubble bath, she goes get a massage, whatever floats her boat. I think this is beneficial for both of us.
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Old 10-22-2010, 01:47 PM   #44
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Sorry to hear about the rough patch brew. I know nothing about the kind of relationship you have with your wife, so rather than give advice I will only share what I would do in a similar situation. I think I'd be honest with DW and tell her I need some "me time". Nothing wrong with that. We don't have to joined at the hip 24/7 to be a strong couple. Actually, these days, DW is the one who often needs some "me time" after a trying week at work. So I give her space on Saturdays. She goes spend time with her girlfriends, she takes a bubble bath, she goes get a massage, whatever floats her boat. I think this is beneficial for both of us.
One thing I noticed during the brief stint of my DW being a stay at home mom is that she had a skewed perception of my time and how I should be spending it. From her perspective, when I come home from work I should be spending the great majority of my time on "family time" with her and the kids. She was making an allocation decision over the roughly 40 hours per week that I was not asleep and not working. She even used the phrase "I'm bored, entertain me" - as if that was my only purpose in her life...

From my point of view, I had 40 hours of not working, but I had to accomplish all of my non-work tasks in that time (family time, recreation, tv watching, down time, mr. fixit stuff, chores, lawn care, bills/money management/financial, etc). So I'm allocating my time over all these different items, whereas DW thought the majority of my non-working time should be spent with her and the kids, and me spending free time doing whatever I wanted to do (sit by myself in a quiet room reading a book for 2 hours while sipping coffee, for example) was "wasting" my time, and I was not spending enough time with her and the kids.

I discussed the issue with her and I think she understood where I was coming from and everything got better once she realized I had a limited amount of free time and I had a lot of different things I wanted to accomplish each week. And DW also went to work full time shortly thereafter. The "I'm bored, entertain me" calls stopped, since we both understood well that our free time is very limited and we have to be flexible with each other.
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Old 10-22-2010, 01:59 PM   #45
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Why you getting your ass chewed at work? I hear a hint in your posts that you may be drinking too. If you drink everyday and can't stop for a week, then you are an alcoholic. I been there too. Functioning alcoholic that made plenty of money until it finally caught up with me. Spent a month in a rehab center to dry out and learn how to deal with that problem.
While Brewer's biting back his sixth or seventh response to this post, I'll point out that you may be overanalyzing in the absence of data.

First let me just say that if you worked in Brewer's job you'd also feel like a herd of badgers were snapping at your ass all day long.

As for the "hint of drinking", you may or not be aware that he's a nationally-known home brewer. That doesn't necessarily correlate to being a nationally-known home drinker.

I wouldn't discard the possible symptoms of depression, either, but I'd try a few "home remedies" before I brought out the heavy artillery. After reading his posts all these years I'd say that his current feeling is more environmental than biochemical...
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Old 10-22-2010, 03:50 PM   #46
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After reading his posts all these years I'd say that his current feeling is more environmental than biochemical...
Correct. I am getting shelled at work and there has been no give elsewhere.

I slept most of the afternoon and feel somewhat better.
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Old 10-22-2010, 04:10 PM   #47
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Although it is hard for me to admit as a neutered, modern 'Merkin male, ding, ding, ding!!! Part of what is pushing m to the edge of the cliffis that just as I drag my thoroughly chewed ass to the weekend, I know that I have full-time kid care duties to deal with because DW is a member of a fairly serious choir which be performing on Sunday. Sorry dear; its nice you lead a full life, but I have needs too.
We love our kids but when they left home for college it felt like getting out of prison. A couple of times a year we have someone look after the kids and DW and I would take off for the weekend. Didn't have to be far, just a day and night by ourselves.

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I can't imagine feeling I have to ask permission of DH to do something, nor him of me. Discuss, yes, but get permission? Never.
Same here. I would take a weekday off fishing with some friends several times a year, and she would go on choir retreats.

One thing my company did allow was a Friday off every 3 weeks. (It was called a 989 work schedule). That Friday was great because the kids were at school, DW was at work etc. Any chance for you getting the odd day off in lieu of hours worked?
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Old 10-22-2010, 04:24 PM   #48
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One thing my company did allow was a Friday off every 3 weeks. (It was called a 989 work schedule). That Friday was great because the kids were at school, DW was at work etc. Any chance for you getting the odd day off in lieu of hours worked?

Actually, I usually get every other Friday off (although I am frequently bombarded with emails that require a response, as is the case today). But the time is eaten by kids/house/dogs/whatever.
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Old 10-22-2010, 04:27 PM   #49
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Something I read somewhere: "Life doesn't begin at 40; life begins after the kids leave home and the dog dies."
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Old 10-22-2010, 04:40 PM   #50
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Actually, I usually get every other Friday off (although I am frequently bombarded with emails that require a response, as is the case today). But the time is eaten by kids/house/dogs/whatever.
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Something I read somewhere: "Life doesn't begin at 40; life begins after the kids leave home and the dog dies."
Shoot the dog, and start buying luggage for the kids? (how old are they?)

Come to think of it we did buy luggage for the kids for their 16th birthday. If I ever said to my son "What has your Dad promised you?", he would reply, "When I'm 18, I'm out the door!!".
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Old 10-22-2010, 06:11 PM   #51
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Shoot the dog...


Purron, did you see that?
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Old 10-22-2010, 06:13 PM   #52
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Purron, did you see that?
You tell-tale
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Old 10-22-2010, 06:16 PM   #53
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You tell-tale
Yeah, I saw it. Assumed it was not serious. Will monitor the forum just in case I have to call in some animal control officers to investigate.....
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Old 10-22-2010, 06:24 PM   #54
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Yeah, I saw it. Assumed it was not serious. Will monitor the forum just in case I have to call in some animal control officers to investigate.....
No harm came to any animals during the writing of that post nor was there any intent to incite others to violence towards animals
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:32 PM   #55
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A close friend of mine had a wife who was a cat lover. She adopted stray cats and had a dozen, plus minus a few (they aged then died, then new ones came).

They could not travel, and he often joked that he needed to shoot them (without his wife nearby to hear it of course). I knew he was joking, because he liked the cats too, but wouldn't admit it.
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:41 PM   #56
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I can't imagine feeling I have to ask permission of DH to do something, nor him of me. Discuss, yes, but get permission? Never.
In some societies, you'd have to change your screen name.
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Old 10-22-2010, 11:34 PM   #57
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I second (third, fourth) the idea of babysitters. I grew up in a developing country and most families had nannies. When I moved to the U.S. I was shocked by the amount of stress parents face. There seems to be an unwillingness to hire outside help for domestic issues (similar feelings towards house keepers). IMO, for busy professionals, the money needed to hire outside help is really worth it. Just think of how much money you make per hour, how much you would be paying a babysitter, and how much peace of mind it could provide.

*Disclaimer: Since I have no children, this is purely hypothetical.*
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Old 10-23-2010, 12:40 AM   #58
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In some societies, you'd have to change your screen name.
Good one!
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Old 10-23-2010, 12:44 AM   #59
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Something I read somewhere: "Life doesn't begin at 40; life begins after the kids leave home and the dog dies."

The whole quote is from a joke: Minister, Priest, and Rabi talking about when life begins: Priest says, "starts when the egg is fertilized", Minister says, "after the fetus is viable", and Rabi says, "When the kids leave home, and the dog dies." Some would add when your wife runs away with another man too!
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Old 10-23-2010, 01:13 AM   #60
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I second (third, fourth) the idea of babysitters. I grew up in a developing country and most families had nannies. When I moved to the U.S. I was shocked by the amount of stress parents face. There seems to be an unwillingness to hire outside help for domestic issues (similar feelings towards house keepers). IMO, for busy professionals, the money needed to hire outside help is really worth it. Just think of how much money you make per hour, how much you would be paying a babysitter, and how much peace of mind it could provide.

*Disclaimer: Since I have no children, this is purely hypothetical.*
This is a hugely important point. All over the world people who work hard and have a moderate income are able to hire immigrant help. It's all very legal and controlled. In Singapore, for example, someone from another country and work for half the normal salary as domestic help only. It takes a huge burden off of working families. Other countries include Saudia Arabia, all the UAE, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Korea, Malaysia - not to mention all the cruise ships in the world.

Here we live in the richest nation on earth and 95% of the rest of the world would love to come and work in the US as a nanny for low wages. They can send the money back home and buy land and a house - enough to get a start in life in a third world country.

The twisted logic that we are taking work away from people who need jobs is total BS. The proof is very few people are hiring US citizens as domestic help. No US citizen wants to work for cheap (and I don't blame them). But, we can help the global economy at the same time help our stressed out families by allowing migrant labor. It is crazy not to set up a program like that.
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