Divorce?

[ATC Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan You are responsible for the safety and well being of many people a day, yet are highly stressed, sleep deprived and mild to moderately depressed.

This literally describes the majority of individuals in air traffic control. We are a weird group of people.

Thank you to everyone for your advice. Writing this and reading your advice and replies has been, in a way, therapeutic. I think it boils down us being in a very stressful time in our lives with a 7 week old and 20 month old, and no family in town. Add in the shift work and sleep deprivation, who wouldn't have moments of depression or thoughts of wanting to escape?

I want to fight for this marriage. I want my kids to have a normal life. I think me daydreaming about being alone stems from quite literally NEVER having a second alone, even in the bathroom. I know this is temporary and as crazy as it sounds I'm sure I'll miss these days with my kids being this little.

That is not to say my wife and I aren't still going through some things, but I am going to try and make even more of an effort to make her a priority. And we will see how things turn out in a few more years once the kids are a bit older; maybe school-age.

[prose3589]

So I am a divorce lawyer by trade. Strangely IMHO my own mother sums up marriage and divorce the best. "Marriage may not work, but divorce doesn't either". I suggest you put everything you have into saving your marriage. If you don't the rest will wither too.

Good luck to you both.


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[ivinsfan]

You have a 7 week old baby, wow your wife has barely recovered from childbirth. I think you both sound overwhelmed at this point.

Please try to get some outside help in as soon as possible, does your area have a county visiting nurse program, this might help you DW with any postpartum issues she might be having.

[swakyaby]

Your wife sounds depressed and socially isolated from adult company. She has been sending clear signals that she wants more time with you, not less. With your long hours, levels of stress, and desire for quiet time to yourself, it seems like an impossible situation.

Clearly, a marriage counselor could help both of you see from each other's eyes instead of only your own. But often one spouse will refuse, not wanting to hear what the counselor has to say or their recommendations, or thinking, "it's not me, it's him! He has to do all the changing!" A counselor could help her see that you need regular relaxation time without guilt from her. And help you to see that she needs a more emotionally supportive husband, and help find ways that you can meaningfully convey to her that you still love her. While going for counseling together is best, consider going by yourself.

I understand about the high stress job and the toll it takes. When something particularly awful occurs at work or a near-miss, the stress comes home with you. Even when you've slept, you don't feel rejuvenated. It's hard to show your spouse love and appreciation when you're in a crisis at work. I don't have any good suggestions if this is the case for you, just empathy.

[mystang52]

I humbly make these 2 immediate and practical suggestions:

Next time you come home from work, bring flowers with you.
Hire a babysitter and go out, even if it's just a quick dinner.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mystang52 I humbly make these 2 immediate and practical suggestions: Next time you come home from work, bring flowers with you. Hire a babysitter and go out, even if it's just a quick dinner.

+1 and with a 7 week old baby in the house you could just bring home the flowers and the ready to eat hot meal....

[Lakewood90712]

Paternity leave, even if un-paid .

Maybe I missed the age in your other posts. had no idea the youngest was only 7 weeks old.

[nash031]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan +1 and with a 7 week old baby in the house you could just bring home the flowers and the ready to eat hot meal....

Yeah this would probably be an awesome first step. Just make sure to tell her you've got dinner covered before she cooks something else.

[splitwdw]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy Looking for advice. I daydream about divorce. Literally. My wife and I are going through a bit of a rough patch but it is more than that. I think I genuinely enjoy being alone. I am very introverted by nature, she is not. We have been together since age 16 (28 now, married since 22). We have never really experienced life without each other and I'm starting to think that was a big mistake....

Counseling for sure and as others have pointed out it sounds like you are both tired and stressed out.
BUT you are talking about two people that have been together since 16 years old. My husband has a friend that he and his first wife got married when she was 16 and he was 18. When she was 18 they had their first child. They kept having problems for the next 15 years but stayed together for their daughter. They weren't "grown ups" when they met and they grew apart as they grew up. They went for counseling and it helped solve some of the issues they were having but found it was best for them to split up.

Little hesitant to post the above because OP has divorce on his mind. You should go for counseling first and if wife won't go then go yourself.

[sirion]

Good luck to you, OP. Probably worth doubling up on the birth control until things get sorted out.

[utrecht]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Legally_dead Don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I've seen firsthand the positive affect that this program can have on wrecked marriages: re|engage Marriage Enrichment Program Check it out. Avoid divorce at all cost. It will send ripples throughout the rest of your life, your kids' lives, and their kids' lives that no amount of money can change. Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

I have to take issue with this statement. I was married previously and it was absolute misery. I'm sure it was for her also because we just flat out didnt get along. We were opposites in many ways. She spent every cent she had and I wanted to save for retirement. She wanted keep up with the Jones' and I couldnt care less what anyone thought. We were on total opposite ends of the spectrum sexually. The point is that we were both miserable. Yes, it sent ripples throughout our lives, but now we have both been married to other people for over 20 years each. I dont know much at all about her marriage but there is no way possible that my wife could make me any happier. My ex-wife is still trying to keep up with the Jones' with no end of working anywhere in sight. I am happily retired with a much higher income than she has even while working. From what my grown son tells me, she is still a very unhappy grouchy controlling person. I couldnt be happier (unless my back was totally healed)

Yes it caused problems with our son, but I can easily argue that the problems would've been much worse if he had grown up watching continual fighting every day of his life.

So I say, do everything you can think of to save your marriage, but not just for the sake of still being married. Only do it if it results in a happy marriage for both of you. Life is short and everyone deserves to find someone that makes them happy. If that didnt happen the first time, there is someone else out there that will make you happy and that will make you a better person.

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by utrecht Yes it caused problems with our son, but I can easily argue that the problems would've been much worse if he had grown up watching continual fighting every day of his life.

Amen to that- DH (who turned out to be a spectacular stepfather) always says, "it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one".

I agree with the others, though, that the OP and his wife are going through a ton of things that would test the strength of any marriage, and he/they should try counseling first. I remember the days when DS was a newborn, and I had a job with regular hours, he was an easy baby and there were no other children needing my attention. I would have killed for 8 hours of solid sleep.

[Brat]

" I think me daydreaming about being alone stems from quite literally NEVER having a second alone, even in the bathroom. "

Every one of us Mom's has lived that experience and is discussed in many books on parenting. It doesn't change for Moms until the youngest is about 4. At least you get out of the house regularly.

If you have room in your home consider an au pair who can help with the babies.

[FUEGO]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brat " I think me daydreaming about being alone stems from quite literally NEVER having a second alone, even in the bathroom. " Every one of us Mom's has lived that experience and is discussed in many books on parenting. It doesn't change for Moms until the youngest is about 4. At least you get out of the house regularly.

I hear this a lot but I just don't think it has to be true. I've done the stay at home dad thing for the last 2 years and it isn't that bad. Quite pleasurable overall compared to dealing with coworkers, work, commute, office politics, etc.

Granted I have family to help but for most of the past 2 years it was maybe a couple hours per week max and it's because I was out doing volunteer work (that I would have dropped sans family help being offered).

Nothing wrong with plugging your kid into a Netfix device for some Baby Einstein and letting them eat cookie dough off the floor if that preserves sanity and an intact marriage. Yeah, the kid might be slightly more ADD and slightly dumber but they, and you, will survive.

As for getting out of the house - there are so many play groups and baby/toddler/pre-k groups out there plus inexpensive paid activities to give you a minute to catch up on life and provide that social exposure to other human beings who won't pee/poop/vomit on you.

Oh, as for getting a minute alone in the bathroom ATC, try closing the door, locking it, and in a moderately loud voice yell out "Leave me alone - I'm trying to poop". It's important for kids to understand that there's a line somewhere and you don't cross that line when daddy's taking care of business. They'll see you again in 3-4 minutes and you can wipe their tears away at that point.

[Quest4Fire]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FUEGO Nothing wrong with plugging your kid into a Netfix device for some Baby Einstein and letting them eat cookie dough off the floor if that preserves sanity and an intact marriage. Yeah, the kid might be slightly more ADD and slightly dumber but they, and you, will survive. .

Great idea, leaving a bowl of ice cream outside the door.



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[explanade]

Slightly OT, the packaged cookie dough warns not to eat raw cookie dough.

Why is that?

[Meadbh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by explanade Slightly OT, the packaged cookie dough warns not to eat raw cookie dough. Why is that?

Raw eggs can harbor salmonella.

[Bamaman]

Much has been said on this subject, but even more important than you having moderate depression issues, your wife sounds as if she's in a severe postpartum depression.

She may be just one pill a day away from feeling much better about motherhood and being a wife. But it's of the utmost importance that she obtain physician assistance in addressing this very, very serious problem medicinally.

My daughter suffered serious postpartum depression, and her first child (now 8 yrs. old) was raised by the father and us. The whole episode is now a complete blur to her as she was incapable of performing as a parent. Your wife may be in this position. I often read of terrible things that happen to wives with young children in this situation--i.e. Susan Smith as the poster child for this subject.

You may need to get some help for your wife so she can get out of the house. Taking care of children can result in Cabin Fever--another source of depression. It's always best if young mothers have a routine that includes sources of pleasure outside the house--even if it's going to a health club. And help with the children would provide you with another set of eyes, as your wife needs to be watched carefully until she gets control of her emotions.

[Senator]

If you really need out, follow these steps.

Give the kids up for adoption or foster care.
Get a divorce.
Move on with your life.

[EastWest Gal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bamaman Much has been said on this subject, but even more important than you having moderate depression issues, your wife sounds as if she's in a severe postpartum depression. She may be just one pill a day away from feeling much better about motherhood and being a wife. But it's of the utmost importance that she obtain physician assistance in addressing this very, very serious problem medicinally. My daughter suffered serious postpartum depression, and her first child (now 8 yrs. old) was raised by the father and us. The whole episode is now a complete blur to her as she was incapable of performing as a parent. Your wife may be in this position. I often read of terrible things that happen to wives with young children in this situation--i.e. Susan Smith as the poster child for this subject. You may need to get some help for your wife so she can get out of the house. Taking care of children can result in Cabin Fever--another source of depression. It's always best if young mothers have a routine that includes sources of pleasure outside the house--even if it's going to a health club. And help with the children would provide you with another set of eyes, as your wife needs to be watched carefully until she gets control of her emotions.

I agree with the above. Pediatricians and OBgyns are supposed to inquire about postpartum depression. But they are often rushed. The reason pediatricians are involved is they see mothers far more often than the OBgyn. Be sure your pediatrician knows about your concerns before the seven week old's 2 month appointment. I also hope you can come to the appointment as well.


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