FIRE, love, marriage, and the single man

[Sarah in SC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 I was similarly lucky. I suspect that it did not hurt that we met while we were both living in the hippy commune type co-operative dorm and dining hall which was student run. You pretty much could not possibly be high maintenance in that place (co-ed cattle showers, varying standards of cleanliness, mostly vegan/veggie food, a rather open and accepting standard of personal attire and grooming, a wide range of psychoactive substances consumed, etc.). In retrospect, it was a target rich zone for an appropriate mate. Good thing I got the best one.

I have such a hard time imagining you as a hippie, Brewer!

But like y'all, we met young and broke, but both had the same ideas about what we wanted out of life. And we were lucky.

[brewer12345]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarah in SC I have such a hard time imagining you as a hippie, Brewer!

Let just say that after 4 years in an all-male, Jesuit-run, Catholic scholarship school I was ready for a different experience.

[LoneAspen]

I'm 46, never been married, not really looking, and probably never will be.

I grew up in a small town in Alabama that I really didn't like. Even at a very young age, I knew I wanted to get out into the big wide world, so I purposely never allowed myself to get tied down by relationships in high school or college. I like being mobile, and able to pick up and move wherever the career opportunities, or mood, takes me.

I'm also a VERY independent person, and I don't like "clingy" or controlling people. I don't like asking permission, or compromising, on what I can and cannot do with my own money. I figure I work hard for it, it's mine, and I'll save it, or spend it, as I please.

(already detecting a tone that's not very conducive to relationships? )

If I ever did meet somebody, settle down, get married, etc, they would have to be willing to keep finances in a "mine, yours, ours" system. We would both fund the "ours" bucket to pay for joint things, but still have "mine and yours" buckets for everything else. They have full say over their bucket, and I have full say over mine.

One of the things that would make it very difficult for me to enter into a relationship with somebody who doesn't think this way is...I've built up a wall so high and so thick with respect to finances, that there is no way I'd allow any other person on earth to get through that wall, and have access to my finances. In the next 18 months or so, I might be able to walk away from the company I'm at with enough that I could (semi) retire and not have to do the 9-to-5 routine any more, which is something I've worked for all my life. And it's not something I'm willing to put at risk, for anybody.

Once I'm able to leave the working world, and finally enjoy all the things I've wanted to do in life for years, I'm not putting that at risk. If I meet someone who shares the same view, and we click, then great. But most people don't think that way, they want to share everything, and that would just put me at risk. Someone could walk off with everything I've made, or a nasty divorce could cost me half or more, etc. I know people who have been financially ruined because of relationships, and I will never put myself at risk that way.

Thankfully, I've never been the kind that felt it was mandatory to have someone along for the ride in order to be happy. If I ever meet the right person, then cool. If not, that's cool, too.

[rodi]

Interesting topic.

I felt the way the OP did in my early/mid 30's... no one who was a good match... Lots of serial semi-serious relationships through the years... but no one worthy of marriage. I'd very much gotten comfortable with my single lifestyle - had a home I loved, traveled on my terms, didn't have to answer to anyone.

Then at age 37 I met my DH. He was 47. Also never married. We changed that in less than a year. Despite the fact that neither of us had been married before - we didn't hesitate to make the commitment this time - because we *knew* it was a good match.

We definitely clicked financially and lifestyle wise. I agree with Sarah - if it's not a good match there - it's going to cause big problems in the marriage/relationship.

We've been married 13+ years... no regrets.

I'm just sayin'.... just because you're in your 30's doesn't mean you won't find a match in the future. It's worth holding out for the right person.

[iam21177]

I do believe the women you are looking for are out there! I would say that I was one of them. I owned my own house, put myself through grad school, paid off all debt before I even graduated, had dreams of early retirement, live below your means, and I'm in my 30s. I even went through a divorce at 31. I lost half my retirement to the ex and had to buy the ex out on the house (which I then owned myself), but I did this without wrecking myself financially. In fact, I was doing better financially without 220 pounds of dead weight.

I just got remarried last year at the age of 36. We dated for almost 4 years, didn't move in together until we were engaged. My H is 2 years younger than me. We have the same goals of ER. We live off half of our income the rest is saved or for taxes. We are more than just financially compatible, compatible on so many different levels!

And I found him in Utah in my own town! Do you know how hard it is to date in your 30s in a town where the non-Mormon dating pool is so small?

SO it's possible, they are out there. They exist. If they don't know what FIRE is, do they immediately not make the next date cut?

If they live paycheck to paycheck is it due to earning potential or spending habits? Because the two are different.

[Cassius King]

If money tears a relationship apart, then it was never really built on love to begin with.

[segfault]

I don't have anything constructive to add, but I do sympathize with the OP, as I'm in a similar situation, right down to many of the details (it's difficult for me to find women I'm attracted to, partly because I live in the middle of nowhere and the selection is slim). Add to that, I have zero interest in having/raising children, so that makes me less appealing to a lot of women. I also live in an area where there are a lot of religious fanatics, and the fact that I'm not one again makes me less attractive to a lot of women.

Other than that, I have a lot going for me.

[tmm99]

Quote:

Originally Posted by segfault I don't have anything constructive to add, but I do sympathize with the OP, as I'm in a similar situation, right down to many of the details (it's difficult for me to find women I'm attracted to, partly because I live in the middle of nowhere and the selection is slim). Add to that, I have zero interest in having/raising children, so that makes me less appealing to a lot of women. I also live in an area where there are a lot of religious fanatics, and the fact that I'm not one again makes me less attractive to a lot of women. Other than that, I have a lot going for me.

Hey, all you need is one person. Statistics don't apply when it gets to love and romance IMHO.

[Sea Kayaker]

Everything that the OP is looking for in a partner is what I found when I met and married my wife. Financially we are on the same page - we have been living on one income, saving/investing the other for the past 12 years.

I am close to leaving the workforce in my early 40's - without my DW, this would not be happening. I have no hesitation in saying that my finding my life partner is the single greatest thing to happen in my life.

It took awhile to find her, and I had my share of dating experiences that were similar to the OP's - I cringe to think back on some of it.

[cinman2000]

At 53 with a 28 year marriage, it has not been easy, but I really enjoy the companionship. If I was more of an extrovert, I suppose I could get my social interaction that way, but the truth is that we have had a positive effect on each other and are both better people than we would have been without each other. We were not on the same page on finances when we married, but neither of us would have been able to retire in 15 months as is in our current plan without the others influence. She would have saved her money in a savings account and I would have spent it all. That plus 2 beautiful kids make it a no-brainer were I able to go back in time. We are all different. Good luck!

[dvalley]

Quote:

Originally Posted by daylatedollarshort One friend had to turn over half his assets in retirement to a wife who never could hold down a job, was a lousy mother, spent her days shopping and getting pedicures, and left him for someone younger.

Is your friend's name dvalley by any chance?

My current gf doesn't have the high earning potential (blue collarish work which I can be shallow about sometimes) than my well educated ex but she lives well below her means has a decent sized emergency fund, 0 debt and is a natural care taker and has never asked for anything even close to financial help. Hmm maybe she's after the goose than the golden eggs

[unclemick]

Hmmm - not to rush but I got married to a young widow woman(66) at age 70 this month. In a previous life I spend 29 yrs with a divorced Catholic trying to burn the house down in New Orleans. Two packs of cigs a day got her(emphysema) - I was a one pack person now finally smoke free( 8 yrs).

Heh heh heh - and yes we are on the pretty much the same wavelength romance and finance wise.

[REWahoo]

Congratulations unclemick!

Where did you and your bride go on your honeymoon?

[W2R]

CONGRATULATIONS, UncleMick!!! I am so happy for you. Is she from Kansas City? We want details!

[calmloki]

Quote:

Originally Posted by unclemick Hmmm - not to rush but I got married to a young widow woman(66) at age 70 this month. In a previous life I spend 29 yrs with a divorced Catholic trying to burn the house down in New Orleans. Two packs of cigs a day got her(emphysema) - I was a one pack person now finally smoke free( 8 yrs). Heh heh heh - and yes we are on the pretty much the same wavelength romance and finance wise.

Heh heh heh - so that's what you've been up to..

Congrats!

[Meadbh]

Well, you devil, unclemick!

Congratulations to you both!

[Sarah in SC]

Heh heh heh congrats from here, too! You old devil!

[Major Tom]

Carl80 - I wouldn't worry too much about attraction though at your age, I know that it can be a powerful motivator. Consider the possibility that you could, over time, develop an attraction to someone with whom all the other criteria have been met.

Just a thought.

[unclemick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo Congratulations unclemick! Where did you and your bride go on your honeymoon?

Palouse Hills to look at Washington wheat, Lentils and onions - she's a Missouri farm girl who went to 'the big city' aka Kansas City after college - and I've never mentioned I like to watch grass grow.

House in the burbs is up for sale - we are now in a 1922 'Arts an Crafts' bungalow on the state historical registry - she is the second owner of the house.

heh heh heh - and she is frugal while I am cheap although plan to be less so as time marches on and we feel the need to boogie while healthy.

[REWahoo]

Many happy boogieing years ahead of you, unclemick.