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05-13-2006, 02:37 PM
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#41
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: San Diego
Posts: 5,267
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Re: Having children.
I'll throw another quote at you, "Freedom tastes good, but it doesn't fill the belly!"
My only point was to ask, then what? Hey, I'm busily hacksawing away at my chains just like everybody else here. Also, I didn't mean to imply that you had to have kids to be happy, just that saying, "well, having kids would delay FIRE 2 years, so that's out" may not be a road one finds happiness on.
But please, really, if you don't think you want kids, not having kids is totally the right choice. They are a lot of work and sacrifice, and worry. My daughter got another hearing test this week and they think she has some hearing loss in both ears, right more than the left, so now we start a whole new round of appointments/treatments. For me, it's totally worth it, but I really wanted children.
On a side note, any other parents here find it odd when they have childless co-workers say things to you like, "Oh, I totally know what you mean, my dog had xyz happen and....".
I had pets before I had my daughter, it's not the same, not even close. :P Not upset at them for the comparison, they are trying to relate.
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05-13-2006, 02:57 PM
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#42
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,532
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Re: Having children.
Here is things from my perspective. I was married at 19 and DH was 20. We were extremely poor. I had our first child, son, at 25 and our second child, daughter, at 35. I was extremely worried about whether I would like being a mother. I even went so far as to call about being a foster parent, to see if I could deal with parenting. When people would tell I would do fine, my thought was people who abused their own children probably thought they would do fine also. I used to worry about stuff much more than I do now. I was also pretty immature and irresponsible in my early 20's. Well, I did do fine and have never regretted having my children. They are a job and I look forward to granchildren someday if I am lucky. However, I would urge people not to have children unless they really want them and are ready to invest their time and yes, money in them, because they are a lot of work and money at times. When they are angry at you, you will probably hear that they hate you at some time in their growing up years. I don't know what I would do without either one of my children. I feel very blessed that I have them. The only thing that I would have done differently, would have been to have them closer in age. I have basically always worked full-time and thought I could only deal with one child at a time. I wish they would have been closer, but as they are aging, they are becoming closer.
Dreamer
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05-13-2006, 03:18 PM
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#43
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,860
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Re: Having children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamer
...my thought was people who abused their own children probably thought they would do fine also.
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I used to worry about that, too, but I've realized that not a judge in the land would convict me after they got to know our kid!
__________________
*
Co-author (with my daughter) of “Raising Your Money-Savvy Family For Next Generation Financial Independence.”
Author of the book written on E-R.org: "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement."
I don't spend much time here— please send a PM.
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05-13-2006, 07:11 PM
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#44
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: May 2005
Location: In the fog of San Francisco
Posts: 261
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Re: Having children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamer
However, I would urge people not to have children unless they really want them and are ready to invest their time and yes, money in them, because they are a lot of work* and money at times.
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You seem to be somewhat of a rarity among parents with that attitude.* If more people without children could meet you instead of their own acquaintances they'd probably be much happier in their dealings with parents.
The "childfree" do see a fair amount of pressure in US (and others) society, and it is easy to get resentful.* It doesn't help when people give you the "oh, just have some children and you'll change your mind" line, often it seems right after they've complained about the latest episode of retrieving little Billy/Sally from the D-home.* * * It can make you want to reply "well, if you'd just get branded/spend some time in jail/become a member of the Heaven's Gate cult, you'd see that you like it".* *:
My sweetie and I knew from the start that we had ZERO desire for children.* We are able to spend some time with a well-behaved child (shoot, some are better behaved and more interesting to talk to than some adults I know) but we've never had any p/maternal urges, and we took care to ensure there'd be no unexpected surprises.
If people want to have kids, more power to them.* But it sometimes looks like a situation of "any fool can have kids, and often does".* There are some great parents out there, but there also seem to be a significant number that if they had a dog that they treated they way they do their child, they would probably be on a first-name basis with the SPCA.* And I'm not so sure that being able to be a mediocre parent is something I'd view as being sufficient credentials for having a child.
Counting on a child to support you in your dotage is a crapshoot.* I've seen a number of elderly people who would be lucky to get the time of day from their "beloved" children, much less any kind of help.* "Blood is thicker than water" seems to be one of those catch phrases that is often not proven to be true out in the real world.
I like the concept of "friends are the family you get to pick".*
It sure would be nice if a lot more people would sit down and seriously evaluate their position on having kids before having them.* There's way too many neglected children in the world.
cheers,
Michael
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05-13-2006, 07:33 PM
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#45
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 128
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Re: Having children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Other Michael
But it sometimes looks like a situation of "any fool can have kids, and often does".* There are some great parents out there, but there also seem to be a significant number that if they had a dog that they treated they way they do their child, they would probably be on a first-name basis with the SPCA.* And I'm not so sure that being able to be a mediocre parent is something I'd view as being sufficient credentials for having a child.
Michael
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Yes please, if you are stupid, please stop breeding!!!
__________________
Lieutenant Dan got me invested in some kind of fruit company. So then I got a call from him, saying we don't have to worry about money no more. And I said, that's good! One less thing.* * * * ** Forrest Gump
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05-13-2006, 08:55 PM
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#46
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,708
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Re: Having children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cut-Throat
Biological or adopted -does not matter. People adopt their pets and love them as much as their children.
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I wonder if anyone adopts their children and loves them as much as their pets...
__________________
Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
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05-14-2006, 05:19 AM
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#47
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 569
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Re: Having children.
Way too much mental masturbation, just do it.
Yeah, they can be a pain in the arse at times, but they also give some purpose to the treadmill of life that no puppy or job can.
My shy, good looking, brilliant son who had problems with self esteem, now a 29 year old entrepreneur in China, fluent in Mandarin, Dean 's List, no puppy, job, or Friend could ever give you the same high.
Number 2 was just a whole lot of fun, never a dull moment, I remember when he was born my wife said "this one is going to give me a whole lot of head aches but I am going to hate when he leaves home."
He did, she does.
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05-14-2006, 07:39 AM
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#48
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Chicago
Posts: 13,183
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Re: Having children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Other Michael
You seem to be somewhat of a rarity among parents with that attitude.*
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Thankfully, my experience is the opposite of yours.* I find most parents share Dreamer's outlook, at least within the cultures I mingle with.* The occassional head case who can't handle responsibility or the pathetic abuser seems to get all the media attention.* The vast majority of loving, caring, responsible parents who are enjoying their families are seldom heard about.
__________________
"I wasn't born blue blood. I was born blue-collar." John Wort Hannam
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05-19-2006, 12:49 PM
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#49
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,375
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Re: Having children.
I'm not all that crazy about kids in general. Oh, I feel drawn to the occasional child. As things turned out on my daughter's wedding day (last Sunday...Mother's Day!), while bride & bridesmaids were primping and dressing over what seemed like forever (personally, primping beyond 5-10 minutes makes me suicidal-), I ended up spending a lot of time with the flower girl: my ex's 8-yr-old with ADD that few can stand to be around for long, including her own family. We had a nice time talking and accomplishing stuff. She was one of those kids I can somehow relate to, and she obviously liked me as well. I seem to respond to dismissed/emotionally needy kids and guess I haven't met too many of them among my family & friends. I also get on well with my cousin's son with something akin to Asperger's--I'm one of the few adults he'll hug. And yet, when it's pass-the-baby time or admire the toddler's ringlets time, I usually find something else to do (often, talking to the guys). I prefer 'em old enough to talk to.
I was immature when I had my children in my 20s. And yet my dormant maternal instincts fully flowered even before my kids were born, and I believe I was rather a good mom--certainly judging by the results . I'm glad I had kids, but there are moments when I'm not. Especially when my daughter works in Africa or my son's doing something adventurous dangerous like winter hiking. The problem isn't the expense or the time rasigin children--it's the worry! Like with any deep love, there can be intense pain as well as intense joy.
__________________
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.
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05-22-2006, 05:53 PM
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#50
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 110
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Re: Having children.
Before anyone has a child they should read this book:
When Parents Love Too Much
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/156...Fencoding=UTF8
Personally I believe this book sums up the reason that my generation is going to go through a lot of problems as times get a little tougher here in the states just from the natural cycle of things.
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05-22-2006, 09:13 PM
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#51
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: the City of Subdued Excitement
Posts: 5,588
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Re: Having children.
Leo,
This is a subject upon which even the most worthless people can have an opinion, maybe even a useful one. In that spirit, and since you asked, I offer the following comments.
Many things are going on here.
There may be a big difference between the way you look at these things and the way most of us on this forum look at the same things because of cultural differences. Please keep this in mind. We [OK, I] may not understand the differences.
I see two issues: Will you two stay together as spouses, and will you both be happy with children?
Educational differences between spouses can be important. We know what you have been doing, but we don't know what she has been doing. Is she also a university graduate?
Here is another stability issue. I have heard about this and even seen it myself: Marriage after long courtship or living together for a long time sometimes does not last. Marriage is not the same thing as living together. Something to think about, but it is only a generality and all generalities are false, including this one (quote from Pogo—an ancient philosopher from Florida).
It is important that you are talking about these things at 22. I sense that you like the idea of being a father, but clearly, intellectually you know the costs. Your partner, when young, said she wanted children but has had time to grow up with you and learn your heart. You and your partner listen to each other, which is a very good sign. In the balance, I think you both would be very happy with children.
If you have children early, you pay for them early. Have them late, and you will still be paying for college when others are funding their retirement. Kids cost money and they are a lousy investment. They are also the most important thing in the world for those of us who choose to be parents. Older parents are mellower, less excitable. Younger parents feel the stress more, but they have the most energy.
As far as having teenagers, nobody said it would be easy, but sometimes it is. If you start now, you will be 36 when the first one becomes 13. You can handle it. About ten billion parents before you managed somehow.
Believe it or not, you can take courses in parenting, and believe it or not, they can help a lot! Strongly recommended! Both of you should go together and both of you should expect to share the burdens of parenthood. (Here is where some of the cultural differences come in. I recommend that you be fully involved as a parent and share the load with your spouse as is popular up here. This is not very Latin or European, but you will have a lot more fun and your kids will turn out better, too. For example, it is great fun reading stories to one's kids. This may be foreign to Brazilians, who on the average do not read much as a country. So, start a new trend.)
My wife and I were 38 and 40 when our kids were born. We are both college graduates and had been married for 16 years before our first was born. I built my career (such as it is) and we traveled and partied and eventually got around to wanting children RIGHT NOW! I would have been a terrible father when I was young. We are 58 now and haven't a prayer of retiring early. We could have, if I knew then what I know now, even with children. If we could change anything, we would have spent less money, saved more and invested better, but we still would have had children. It isn't the end of the world, though.
I would suggest getting married first (like, right now!) to see how you both handle the changes (commitment and responsibility). Then think about having kids. Ask yourself are you grown-ups yet? If not, don't even think about children.
Cheers,
Ed
__________________
I have outlived most of the people I don't like and I am working on the rest.
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05-24-2006, 08:55 PM
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#52
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,708
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Re: Having children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TomSimpsonAZ
Before anyone has a child they should read this book:
When Parents Love Too Much
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/156...Fencoding=UTF8
Personally I believe this book sums up the reason that my generation is going to go through a lot of problems as times get a little tougher here in the states just from the natural cycle of things.
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Can we get a "book report/synopsis"?
__________________
Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
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07-19-2006, 08:42 AM
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#53
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 74
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Re: Having children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ed_The_Gypsy
Leo,
This is a subject upon which even the most worthless people can have an opinion, maybe even a useful one. In that spirit, and since you asked, I offer the following comments.
Many things are going on here.
There may be a big difference between the way you look at these things and the way most of us on this forum look at the same things because of cultural differences. Please keep this in mind. We [OK, I] may not understand the differences.
I see two issues: Will you two stay together as spouses, and will you both be happy with children?
Educational differences between spouses can be important. We know what you have been doing, but we don't know what she has been doing. Is she also a university graduate?
Here is another stability issue. I have heard about this and even seen it myself: Marriage after long courtship or living together for a long time sometimes does not last. Marriage is not the same thing as living together. Something to think about, but it is only a generality and all generalities are false, including this one (quote from Pogo—an ancient philosopher from Florida).
It is important that you are talking about these things at 22. I sense that you like the idea of being a father, but clearly, intellectually you know the costs. Your partner, when young, said she wanted children but has had time to grow up with you and learn your heart. You and your partner listen to each other, which is a very good sign. In the balance, I think you both would be very happy with children.
If you have children early, you pay for them early. Have them late, and you will still be paying for college when others are funding their retirement. Kids cost money and they are a lousy investment. They are also the most important thing in the world for those of us who choose to be parents. Older parents are mellower, less excitable. Younger parents feel the stress more, but they have the most energy.
As far as having teenagers, nobody said it would be easy, but sometimes it is. If you start now, you will be 36 when the first one becomes 13. You can handle it. About ten billion parents before you managed somehow.
Believe it or not, you can take courses in parenting, and believe it or not, they can help a lot! Strongly recommended! Both of you should go together and both of you should expect to share the burdens of parenthood. (Here is where some of the cultural differences come in. I recommend that you be fully involved as a parent and share the load with your spouse as is popular up here. This is not very Latin or European, but you will have a lot more fun and your kids will turn out better, too. For example, it is great fun reading stories to one's kids. This may be foreign to Brazilians, who on the average do not read much as a country. So, start a new trend.)
My wife and I were 38 and 40 when our kids were born. We are both college graduates and had been married for 16 years before our first was born. I built my career (such as it is) and we traveled and partied and eventually got around to wanting children RIGHT NOW! I would have been a terrible father when I was young. We are 58 now and haven't a prayer of retiring early. We could have, if I knew then what I know now, even with children. If we could change anything, we would have spent less money, saved more and invested better, but we still would have had children. It isn't the end of the world, though.
I would suggest getting married first (like, right now!) to see how you both handle the changes (commitment and responsibility). Then think about having kids. Ask yourself are you grown-ups yet? If not, don't even think about children.
Cheers,
Ed
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Ed,
First of all sorry for such a late response. And THANK YOU, thank you thank you thank you for the comments you gave. I am blessed to participate in this forum with wise people like you, nords, etc.
I didn't understand, however, the cultural differences that you mentioned. I don't think there is much of a difference. Perhaps only with soccer, hehe.
My girlfriend is graduated and works in a bank. I have no doubt that I have a great relationship. We talk a lot with each other, contantly know what the other is thinking, we don't cheat each other and we just have a great time overall. She has a little problem with me interacting with other women, but that's off the subject.
We surely will marry asap, but I am having to put A LOT of time in my carrer. So I'm studying 48hs/week with no money compensation whatsoever. Because of this we're having to delay the marriage for now.
Hoever, I know for sure that we need to get married first. About children, well... she now is in the same level of me, i.e., she is uncertain but there is a possibility of having no children at all. We love each other very much and we are not feeling any "emotional holes" for a child to fill. We also value our time and freedom very much, and that certainly makes a difference about this whole child thing.
As an experiment, we got a dog for her to take care of. It was a complete DISASTER. I remember her calling me crying that she didn't want that "thing" anymore, that it took way much time to take care, that she had to be constantly watching it. So 3 days later everything was back to normal, but we no doubt became even more afraid of having a child.
Anyway, thanks to everyone very much for such wise comments and suggestions. I guess I can't find this high level of advice nowhere in the world.
__________________
:)
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07-19-2006, 10:04 AM
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#54
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Calgary
Posts: 805
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Re: Having children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leonardo
As an experiment, we got a dog for her to take care of. It was a complete DISASTER. I remember her calling me crying that she didn't want that "thing" anymore, that it took way much time to take care, that she had to be constantly watching it. So 3 days later everything was back to normal, but we no doubt became even more afraid of having a child.
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Sheesh...no wonder there are so many abandoned and unwanted animals in this world Since when is a dog an "experiment" ? Sounds like you're girlfriend is too selfish to take care of a child/"thing" because they are definitely a lot more work than a dog.
__________________
I can only be nice to one person today! Today is not your day...tomorrow doesn't look good either.
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07-19-2006, 10:07 AM
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#55
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,708
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Re: Having children.
I can certainly speak from experience that if you cant manage a dog, you most certainly cannot manage a child.
__________________
Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
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07-19-2006, 10:10 AM
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#56
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 473
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Re: Having children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Calgary_Girl
Sounds like you're girlfriend is too selfish to take care of a child/"thing" because they are definitely a lot more work than a dog.
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...and then there is that other difference between dogs and children
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07-19-2006, 02:29 PM
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#57
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: the City of Subdued Excitement
Posts: 5,588
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Re: Having children.
Hi, Leo,
I am glad you found something of interest in my comments. Your reply helps to answer some of the questions, too.
Quote:
She has a little problem with me interacting with other women, but that's off the subject.
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We may have just found a cultural difference right there!
I had in mind things like being totally committed to your spouse. Be her best friend and she will be yours. Let the other boys do the macho stuff; you become a family man. Give her emotional support. Think of her feelings before you think of yours.
I say these things because I have run across many comments about how 'Latin" men neglect their wives or girlfriends. I have heard that North American men are very popular with Latin and some European women because they treat their women better.
You two seem to have a pretty good relationship. Excellent! However, if you want peace in the family, you should really stop flirting with the other girls. You can see that she doesn't like it.
Quote:
We surely will marry asap, but I am having to put A LOT of time in my carrer. So I'm studying 48hs/week with no money compensation whatsoever. Because of this we're having to delay the marriage for now.
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This makes sense. I am glad you are not thinking of it as a permanent condition, though.
Don't worry about kids just yet. You have lots of time to decide. Go have fun, see the world, etc. (Save some money, though: Always "Live Below Your Means" (LBYM)).
The "dog experiment" was a noble effort, but it only means, "Not now." (I never could take care of pets, by the way.) Kids are completely different. Kids aren't pets. Once you have them, raising them will be the most important job of your life.
Before children, I never used to even 'see' kids. They were sort of invisible. I never paid much attention to them. Once we had our first child, my eyes were opened. All of a sudden, I saw children EVERYWHERE! The world was FULL of kids! Never noticed them before. I watched what they did, I watched how their parents looked after them, I saw them happy and unhappy. I saw the crippled ones and the ones with obvious problems and was awfully thankfull that ours were OK as far as we knew.
So, consider that your attitude and hers towards children may change with time. You have done some growing up. You are not done yet. You will grow up some more later. Enjoy yourselves now.
End of sermon.
Sorry about Frankfurt. Like everyone else, I thought it would be Brazil vs. Argentina in the end.
Best of luck!
Ed
__________________
I have outlived most of the people I don't like and I am working on the rest.
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07-19-2006, 08:00 PM
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#58
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 74
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Re: Having children.
Ed,
First of all, thanks again for the comments.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ed_The_Gypsy
You two seem to have a pretty good relationship. Excellent! However, if you want peace in the family, you should really stop flirting with the other girls. You can see that she doesn't like it.
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Omg, I guess I translated this wrong. I by no means cheat my wife or intend to do that anywhere in my life nor do I look for women with that purpose. When I say about interacting with other women, I am saying about talking with other girl or have a female friend, for example. What I was saying is that she is a very, very jealous girlfriend.
I agree, I can't say for sure now if I want a child or not. Like you said, I'm still young and have another priorities for now.
Don't even mention about the whole TRAGEDY that was this 2006 world cup. The whole country went into a sort of colletive depression. People burnt a statue of Ronaldinho. Everyone wanted to kill the coach. Just as a side note, Parreira(the coach) has a book called "Making Winner Teams". You can guess how much this book is selling now.
The press was arrogant as always, saying that we would be the champions for sure, etc. Everyone got really angry about this team for the very,very poor performance in the field.
Well, at least our rival Argentina didn't win.
__________________
:)
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07-19-2006, 08:42 PM
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#59
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 699
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Re: Having children.
Coming to this late, but I would say that at 22, whatever you and your girlfriend decide about kids (and dogs!) now may well change later. Many stages of life ahead of you yet, so don't expect to have a settled plan now.
As for World Cup, Coach Zico was a disappointment too. You can have him back now.
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07-20-2006, 08:03 AM
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#60
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lawn chair in Texas
Posts: 14,183
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Re: Having children.
REAL football starts in about a month... :P
Go Cowboys!!
__________________
Have Funds, Will Retire
...not doing anything of true substance...
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