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Old 02-09-2009, 05:57 PM   #181
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Originally Posted by landonew View Post
God, I seriously hope this isn't how marriage/children actually is. I would hate to be seen as just a pay-check.
Nah, before they learn how to drive they also see you as a chauffeur...


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Old 02-10-2009, 02:35 PM   #182
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Change the comment to manipulative people (or did the children of any age cover that?).....I've dealt with manipulative parents...can be just as bad. Holding the line and making people responsible for their own behavior is an important skill to learn. Either they learn to to be responsible or they learn that behavior doesn't work with you and don't even approach you with their supposed crises...either way, it sure makes your life easier and nicer :-) Hey, isn't that what 'not enabling' is?' ;-)

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Old 02-10-2009, 02:55 PM   #183
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Child free but still subjected to manipulation.
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Old 02-19-2009, 05:03 PM   #184
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Just wanted to weigh in quickly here, Crispus. I'm 26, getting married in about 8 months, and our parents have offered to cover the majority of our wedding expenses. While I am extremely grateful for it, I still feel awkward and a little embarrassed taking money from my parents & my fiance's parents for the wedding. I can't imagine asking for financial help (for a wedding) at 40 - assuming he's established & stable, it speaks poorly of this man's character that he expected you to cover his bill.

However, given our age, spending ~$10k* on a wedding right now would set us back a huge amount on our goals of owning a home. So I really see the gifts we've received not as money but as time. By paying for the majority of our wedding, our parents have given us the gift of years. It doesn't seem like it, but if this is the case with your daughter, I've never been more grateful for a gift.

(*The price tag was pretty much set by the bride's mother, which makes things a little easier to swallow.)
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Old 02-19-2009, 06:38 PM   #185
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DaveNineFive it's very generous of your parents to cover the cost of your wedding. It sounds like you are very appreciative of this gift. As for the gift of time. My first marriage was a tiny reception with hors d'oeuvres and cocktails. We had saved up for a down payment on a townhouse and we wanted to use the majority of any money we received on that. Looking back I don't feel we missed anything by not having a large wedding. In fact I can say I never think about it at all. Sometimes society forces us to do things that we realy could do just as well without.
Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies, The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.
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Old 05-19-2009, 11:28 AM   #186
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Originally Posted by grumpy View Post

As a basis of comparison I offer the following information.

My son (age 34) just got married last month. His wife is from Brazil. Their wedding was held in Brazil at their expense, with a small contribution from her parents, who are not in a strong financial position. We gave them a wedding gift of $10,000. I do not know if they used any of that toward the cost of the wedding.

From our side of the family only my wife, daughter, sister, brother-in-law and I went to the wedding in Brazil. We have decided to make a second wedding here in the US in May so that our family and friends can celebrate with us. This will be totally at our expense. I initially set a budget of $15,000 for this wedding but, as these things usually go, it looks now like it will run closer to $17,500. This will, by no means be a low-end affair. The wedding will be on a Sunday afternoon when costs are significantly lower. It will be held at an elegant ballroom. We expect approx. 110 guests for a cocktail hour following the ceremony,with hot hors d'oeuvres and open bar, followed by a sit down dinner. We have hired a 5 piece band which will also provide a piano player during the cocktail hour.

We could have reduced the costs by opting for a buffet instead of sit down dinner and a DJ instead of a band. But in any case, a perfectly enjoyable wedding can be done for less than $15,000.

I am sorry that things have gotten tense with your daughter over the wedding but I think that she and her future spouse have sufficient resources to plan a wedding on the assumption that they pay the full costs and that they should be grateful for any contribution you care to make.

Our son's second wedding (in the US this time) was held on Sunday. Here's an update on what it cost us:

Total costs were $16,500

95 Guests @ $70 = $6650 this covered the venue for the ceremony, and reception, a cocktail hour with open bar, and sit down dinner and desert table. Price also included the wedding cake and center pieces.

5 piece band = $3900
Photographer = $1400
Rabbi's honorarium $1200
Invitation & Postage $400
Flowers $500
Everything else $2500 - included hotel rooms, gowns for DW and DD, Tux rental, bartender, travel, gift bags for guests, etc.

As you can see from the attached pictures, it was a great party. I have been to weddings that cost three to five times as much that were not any nicer than ours.

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Old 05-19-2009, 02:15 PM   #187
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Looks like a very nice wedding, with a very good looking couple. I don't think I'd be grumpy if that was my new daughter in law
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Old 05-19-2009, 11:05 PM   #188
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Crispus. Any updates?
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Old 05-20-2009, 05:41 AM   #189
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It looks like a beautiful wedding. Congratulations on gaining a new daughter.
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Old 05-20-2009, 06:00 PM   #190
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Crispus, I hope that you have followed this thread to get an objective viewpoint on your situation. But I also hope that you will not follow the common advice here to react to your daughter's bad behavior. A father-daughter relationship lasts a lifetime and you will regret using money as a weapon to punish your daughter for her rudeness.

I agree with one of the posters who suggested that you sit down or telephone both your daughter and her fiance and discuss their plans and your contributions. Be candid about your values and your ability to contribute. Express your desire to be a part of their happy occasion. I think your wife's suggestion of $5000 is a good one.

Remember that she is your daughter and that a relationship can change and grow as she matures. I think you will want a good relationship with her as you grow older.

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