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Old 12-19-2008, 05:08 PM   #41
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Weddings serve multiple purposes, however, historically, and in most societies a wedding party is to get the newly weds set up in life. In some societies it is a new hut, or house hold items. Fifteen years ago I told our daughter we would give her $6,000 for a wedding. If she spent more it was her debt. Less and she could keep the change. She was real frugal and came in a couple hundred over the 6k, which we picked up.

I have always had the opinion that a wedding should not cost more than the gifts that will be received. Anything over that comes under Party, and I don't think parents are responsible for throwing a big party for their children.
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Old 12-19-2008, 05:19 PM   #42
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I have always had the opinion that a wedding should not cost more than the gifts that will be received.
There's a scene in the Sopranos where Mrs. Soprano is recording what she sent someone as a wedding gift--she keeps a checklist so she can cross-check gifts her kids would receive when they get married so she can be sure no one stiffs them. And I believe the gift is supposed to cover "the plate" at the reception--the cost of the meal.
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Old 12-19-2008, 06:17 PM   #43
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I keep sensing an anti-age-difference bias in so many posts...and here it pops up again...sheesh, 40 and 25 is only 15 years apart, that's nothing, it's not like one of them is a child. And it certainly isn't the issue here. Others have already expressed my exact point of view about paying for this particular wedding, so I have nothing to add on that count, but I am really getting tired of the "they must have a problem" or or "only OK in 3rd world countries" attitude on these forums toward age-difference marriages. Calling older women with younger partners "cougars," like they're somehow predatory just because they're older, is also offensive to me. I haven't seen similar snarky comments in these forums about race-difference marriages or gay marriage, and although that could be because I haven't read every single thread, somehow I don't think so.
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Old 12-19-2008, 06:24 PM   #44
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Crispus, sorry to hear about your daughters reaction. Your wifes 5k number would be very nice your 2.5k is reasonable. Don't withdraw the offer, bump it up to your wife's number if you want to but don't be a victim of emotional blackmail. Do what you are comfortable with it's your daughter and the amounts of money you are discussing shouldn't have a big impact on you, your wife, your daughter or her new husband give her a few days and calmly work it out.
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Old 12-19-2008, 06:35 PM   #45
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I keep sensing an anti-age-difference bias in so many posts...and here it pops up again...sheesh, 40 and 25 is only 15 years apart, that's nothing, it's not like one of them is a child.
Only a single post of the many here has raised even the slightest hint of a concern about the marriage of a previously married 40 year old (with three kids) and a 25 year old. All the rest of the comments about his age/marital status/income are about the wedding ceremony itself. I think the new husband's income/wealth relative to the bride's parents is a consideration in this situation. If I were the hubby to be, I'd be embarrassed to lean on her family so heavily, and the discussion I'd have with my bride-to-be about doing the right thing and her response to that might serve as a very useful warning of problems we might have down the road in our own relationship. If she thinks Daddy "owes" her this now, I wonder what she'll expect from me?
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Old 12-19-2008, 07:51 PM   #46
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40 and 25 is only 15 years apart, that's nothing, it's not like one of them is a child.
I think the age issue is more related to paying for an uber-grownup's party. That is, if the marriage were between two penniless, starry-eyed teenagers, more contribution might be expected. But if I were a 40-year-old virgin man, I wouldn't want to be asking my bride's mommy and daddy to pay for the party.

BTW, I am getting champagne to celebrate the last college payment which occurs on Jan 7, 2009. I am celebrating not the decrease in expenses, but the upcoming lack of financial ties between DD and us. That is, money will no longer color our relationship.

So I don't appreciate you guys reminding me that a wedding might bring finances back into it again.
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Old 12-19-2008, 08:04 PM   #47
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So I don't appreciate you guys reminding me that a wedding might bring finances back into it again.
Like me, does your spouse know that you think you have a vote on this subject?
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Old 12-19-2008, 10:12 PM   #48
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My sister married a man about 15 years older than her. I still remember my dad asking him, "Well, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm retired, you'll enjoy it when you get there."

That marriage was one of the best things my sister ever did.

My sister-in-law married someone about 20 years older than her who had adult children. That marriage is still going strong and they are a great couple to be around.

As for the wedding costs, a friend lived at home while working for a full year so she could pay for her own wedding. She is an engineer and the wedding was reasonably expensive. I guess the moral is that one should manage the expectations of the kids as they grow up. Be sure to tell them weekly, "We ain't paying for your wedding" and "We ain't paying for your college". That way, they will be pleasantly surprised if you contribute $2500 to either of these expenses.
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Old 12-19-2008, 10:18 PM   #49
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BTW, I am getting champagne to celebrate the last college payment which occurs on Jan 7, 2009. I am celebrating not the decrease in expenses, but the upcoming lack of financial ties between DD and us. That is, money will no longer color our relationship.
Al, never say never. Don't ask me how I know...
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Old 12-20-2008, 08:14 AM   #50
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I think daughter is being a spoiled brat. I paid for both of my weddings, with about a $500 (unsolicited) contribution from the bride's parents both times. One was when I was 28, the next at age 38.

Others make the accurate observation that this guy is 40, they own a home and have a very decent income. If they want a $25k wedding they certainly have the means to pay for it.

Daughter is using emotional extortion to get her father to pay for her expectations.

Send her a ladder and a map to the courthouse.
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Old 12-20-2008, 09:18 AM   #51
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I told my wife that my daughter hung up on me and she was livid. She now believes that my daughter's recent attempts at coming together as a family were only a rouse to get money.

We did not like her fiancee being so much older then her especially with his 3 children. My daughter Jenna always wanted her own children and her fiancee has had a vasectomy. Now she says she doesn't want her own kids. My wife had no children and now looks back in regret. We don't want this for Jenna.

Al, we are also celebrating our last college payment to my son this January.
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Old 12-20-2008, 10:16 AM   #52
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I also don't know if most guys are willing to shell out $$ for their own marriage, especially a second marriage.
I think there are plenty of guys who have paid for their own wedding. I did (or rather as a couple, we did). Quite a few have spoken up here to note that they did as well. If a couple is starting with nothing then there seems some reason for the tradition of parents paying for the wedding, however in those cases the parents are also a huge, if not controlling, part of the planning for that wedding. The idea that daughter plans her "dream day" wedding and presents bill to parents is no part of any tradition I know of.

I'd also suggest in this case if daughter wants a "dream day' wedding, then the BEST person to pay for such a wish is future hubby. If that's something his very much younger (I think 15 years is huge) wife wants and he appears okay with her being as spoild as she sounds from the phone, then it shoud be his (theirs) affair.

I'm sorry about the entitlement and hang up phone call. That speaks a great deal to being immature and not really ready for a marriage. With that and the mysterious turn around on plans for kids, this sounds like other problems brewing. That biological clock still has time to tick. Why the sudden need to marry if they're already living together? Has this been planned for a while? How much input are you getting into planning, esp if you are expected to foot the bill?
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Old 12-20-2008, 10:32 AM   #53
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I told my wife that my daughter hung up on me and she was livid. She now believes that my daughter's recent attempts at coming together as a family were only a rouse to get money.

We did not like her fiancee being so much older then her especially with his 3 children. My daughter Jenna always wanted her own children and her fiancee has had a vasectomy. Now she says she doesn't want her own kids. My wife had no children and now looks back in regret. We don't want this for Jenna.
It sounds like there's a lot more going on here than just a dispute/disagreement over the size/cost of the wedding ceremony and who will pay for it.

You may not like the guy or the situation that she'll be in after marrying, but that's a whole different issue than the one-day wedding party. As you surely realize, at this point in her life you've got zero control and darn little input on her actions. The best you can do is to let her know your concerns (in a subtle way) and then provide emotional support to her and to this new couple's marriage even if she makes a decision you disagree with. Any "I told you so" moments later will be very counterproductive and totally unnecessary (she'll certainly remember where you stood before the marriage, and will appreciate your suppport afterward even more because you put those feelings aside). Unfortunately, with the hurt feelings (both ways) about the wedding funding, it will not be possible to have this discussion about her marriage without her believing that the two issues are related.
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Old 12-20-2008, 11:05 AM   #54
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I'd stick with nothing for the wedding and $2,500 as a wedding gift presented at the reception. The 40 year old husband should pay for this - period. And if after some time has passed, your daughter and SIL can't respect your decision and mend fences, it won't be because of your refusal to fund their wedding. Very unfortunate, but you should not cave IMO...the wedding gift is generous under the circumstances.
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Old 12-20-2008, 11:17 AM   #55
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I hope things work out well between you and your daughter crispus.

...people have told me all my life I was/am wrong for not having children. I believe I made the right decision...I don't have the energy for it.
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Old 12-20-2008, 12:04 PM   #56
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Much as we hate to admit it, and try to rise above it, money = love in many families.
Not in my family. I think when love does seem to equal money, the parent had better get busy undoing that sad situation.

When money equals love, it is because money manipulations are comfortabe to the parent.

Dole out some money from time to time and keep the young-uns dependent and thus controllable. A big mistake IMO. And I do have grown children.

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Old 12-20-2008, 12:38 PM   #57
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It's not the age difference so much as the relative age difference. If she was 40 and he was 55 people wouldn't have a problem and 30-45 might make some uncomfortable but nobody would say anything. If he was 25 and she was 10 there would definitely be some harumphs from the judge as he got sent to prison.

Anything more than 25% age difference usually means someone is being manipulated or it's some form of rebellion. I can guarantee 10-15 year old kids aren't going to respect a 25 year old stepmother's authority.
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Old 12-20-2008, 06:59 PM   #58
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I would give more for a wedding if I didn't have to be involved in any of the planning.
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Old 12-20-2008, 07:09 PM   #59
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There's a scene in the Sopranos where Mrs. Soprano is recording what she sent someone as a wedding gift--she keeps a checklist so she can cross-check gifts her kids would receive when they get married so she can be sure no one stiffs them. And I believe the gift is supposed to cover "the plate" at the reception--the cost of the meal.
Well, the consequences of stiffing someone in the Soprano family could be fatal!

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Old 12-21-2008, 01:42 PM   #60
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It's not the age difference so much as the relative age difference. If she was 40 and he was 55 people wouldn't have a problem and 30-45 might make some uncomfortable but nobody would say anything. If he was 25 and she was 10 there would definitely be some harumphs from the judge as he got sent to prison.

Anything more than 25% age difference usually means someone is being manipulated or it's some form of rebellion. I can guarantee 10-15 year old kids aren't going to respect a 25 year old stepmother's authority.
That pretty much sums up my feelings on the age difference. I'm so sorry that she hung up on you. Like your wife, I'd be jumping up and down now. It's tricky - if you up the gift to the $5K your wife suggested, it will look like daughter's hissy fit worked, hence inviting more in the future. Have you heard from your daugher since the hang up? I'd probably stick with my original plan. It doesn't cost that much to get married. We were married in the courthouse on a rainy day because husband-to-be couldn't work in the rain. We had no rings (no money) and went to the movies afterwards for a wedding trip. That was a long time ago and I can't remember what we paid the jp or what the movie tickets cost, but it wasn't $15K. Whatever you decide to do here, don't get stars in your eyes about this kid. Hanging up on you like that speaks volumes.
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