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Old 12-28-2008, 04:50 PM   #121
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We sent my daughter a text message saying "Hi Jenna and John we missed you last night hope you are feeling better. We would like to stop over and give you some stuff including yuor scarf. Let us know." She wrote back "I'm very disappointed w u and don't want to see u now. U can drop my scarf off in the mailbox."

Needless to say, that will be our last overture to her. I am afraid only Godly intervention will help at this point. Oh well, I guess the Christmas checks will not be cashed. Seriously we won't play her game. At this point she will have to seem genuinely appreciative to get anything for her wedding.
Being single I passed on reading the thread but my curiosity got the best of me. Sorry for your troubles with your daughter. I think your original offer of $2,500 was very nice of you.

A tough situation, but I wouldn't play her game either. Hopefully things will work out.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:03 PM   #122
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I'd give her a cool down period and she will hopefully come around .
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:04 PM   #123
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...Needless to say, that will be our last overture to her. I am afraid only Godly intervention will help at this point. Oh well, I guess the Christmas checks will not be cashed. Seriously we won't play her game. At this point she will have to seem genuinely appreciative to get anything for her wedding.
I am impressed that you are not caving in to the $ demand. Love = money is very dangerous territory. It never works and it demeans everyone.
From this side of the aquarium glass, you have been very reasonable and very very generous in your original offer. Maybe she needs some time and space to think things through. Perhaps a sensible friend or her dh2b will enlighten her.
I daresay her behavior will be a valuable prenuptial lesson for her dh2b, if he has not seen it already in their relationship.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:14 PM   #124
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How do you foresee this ending, given her stubborn nature (as you describe it)? Sure, you don't want to be bossed around, and shouldn't allow that, but maybe further overtures after a while might be a reasonable thing to do. I hope you and she can manage to become close again soon. Not many things are worth giving up a relationship with one's daughter and potential future grandchildren, in the long term.
I recently attempted communication with relatives after several years; and remembered why I hadn't.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:18 PM   #125
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This is very sad for Crispus but probably indicative of how she felt all along. There are givers and takers in this world and at this juncture in her life she is probably a taker. I'm sure time will give her a greater perspective. I agree with the previous poster who suggested overtures at a later date after she has cooled down. Maybe Crispus's ex is filling her head. Best to you Crispus!
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:22 PM   #126
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We sent my daughter a text message saying "Hi Jenna and John we missed you last night hope you are feeling better. We would like to stop over and give you some stuff including yuor scarf. Let us know." She wrote back "I'm very disappointed w u and don't want to see u now. U can drop my scarf off in the mailbox."

Needless to say, that will be our last overture to her. I am afraid only Godly intervention will help at this point. Oh well, I guess the Christmas checks will not be cashed. Seriously we won't play her game. At this point she will have to seem genuinely appreciative to get anything for her wedding.
"Well, we are very disappointed in you, too. But we'd love to see you when you have decided that $2500 is all you're going to get and that you'll be darn grateful for it. The offer of the $2500 is good until 01-31-09. After that your future husband will have to pay for your princess attitude and your dream wedding.

PS - Your scarf is now a chew toy for the dog, who appreciates it very much. He wasn't expecting anything and seems to love us unconditionally."
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:47 PM   #127
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Sorry, Crispus. For all she knew "give you some stuff" could have meant a check toward the wedding costs.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:56 PM   #128
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SueJ, what a funny PS! Love it.. (but it's something I'd write and then throw away.)

Crispus, sorry to hear your daughter acting so immature. There are just those girls (I won't say women) who can't get the princess-wedding idea out of their heads. My niece by marriage was one of those. In her case the fantasy wedding dreams were aided and abetted by her mom, who started gearing up for the nozze the minute the niece found a new beau after a previously tortured relationship. Of course the gift registry was chock-full of pricey items and we sprang for $300 of crystal that got relegated to a box in someone's garage somewhere as the guy had been cheating all along (and still went through with the wedding) so the "dream marriage" didn't even last a year! There are some 'girls' (I think she was 29 or thereabouts) who are more in love with the idea of the wedding than anything else, and she was one of them. Forcing or allowing your daughter to re-group and re-consider is not a bad thing.

That said, I would still calmly go along with the $2500 check no matter what her offensive behavior. A.) she's still your daughter, after all and B.) you need to demonstrate that her shenanigans aren't going to sway you one way OR the other. You're just the ship of state that's going to stick to its course. That's my humble opinion.

Best of luck!
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Old 12-28-2008, 06:14 PM   #129
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Having enjoyed a close relationship with my family all my life, I've never understood how people can be estranged with their children.

I am starting to see the light. Crispus you have my sympathy.
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Old 12-28-2008, 08:01 PM   #130
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Crispus, I'm sorry for your situation. This is sad.

Several of my daughter's friends are engaged or recently married, and I have heard more than a few details of their "dream weddings." I can understand the desire to have a memorable event, but I find it a bit alarming that so much effort and detail is put toward the wedding day...with little if any thought put into the marriage. My daughter's last roommate, Laura, was a prime example. She didn't have a permanent job and was engaged to a nice young man who had just graduated from law school and was seeking his first job. Between them they probably had about $5,000, yet Laura planned a wedding that cost more than $35,000! Her gown alone was nearly $4,000...and Laura's mom basically gave her a blank check when she told her daughter "I want you to have the kind of wedding I never did."

Well, the wedding WAS beautiful, but in a way it was kind of sad to watch because I really got the feeling that the groom was nearly an afterthought in all the planning. Sure enough, less than a year later they broke up.

I think you should contribute whatever you think is the right amount toward your daughter's wedding and make no apologies or rationalization about it. You should offer it with an open heart and a sincere wish for her future happiness. It shouldn't be a bribe nor come with any kind of strings attached. It is a gift, period. And if she feels it is not "enough", well, that speaks volumes about her. I wish her and her future hubby much luck -- I suspect they will need it.
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Old 12-29-2008, 01:35 PM   #131
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Having enjoyed a close relationship with my family all my life, I've never understood how people can be estranged with their children.

I am starting to see the light. Crispus you have my sympathy.
I could write a book about how my stepmom managed to destroy the relationship between my sister and I and my dad...........
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Old 12-29-2008, 01:38 PM   #132
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Not many things are worth giving up a relationship with one's daughter and potential future grandchildren, in the long term.
My dad chose that path...........
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Old 12-29-2008, 04:11 PM   #133
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That's so sad. My aunt kept her 3 kids away from my side of the family. There is only one of them left and I never saw my cousins again after their parents' divorce.
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Old 12-29-2008, 04:26 PM   #134
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I could write a book about how my stepmom managed to destroy the relationship between my sister and I and my dad...........

Well if the finance dept business goes south or gets boring, nice to have other options. I know there is a market for these type of books.
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:44 PM   #135
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In my afore-mentioned niece's family there are lawsuits between her paternal aunt and her paternal grandma.. so you all count yourself lucky if it does not arrive to that. Suing your own mother over the inheritance left by the father!

FinanceDude's story sounds like it could be very interesting. Here there are no end of interfering in-laws who, unwittingly or not, bust up marriages.

It could all be worse. My 84 y.o. MIL recounted that her parents accompanied her, the new bride, and her groom on their honeymoon. Woo-hoo!
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:57 PM   #136
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Wow,I just found this thread and it really bums me out! i have 2 young boys and cant imagine the feeling you and your wife must feel. I'm sure you did whatever you could to raise her right, and still love her no matter what. just keep your head up and hope she turns around without a life-altering event causing the change


good luck
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Old 12-30-2008, 12:35 PM   #137
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Well if the finance dept business goes south or gets boring, nice to have other options. I know there is a market for these type of books.
It's my plan "B".........

Finance business is far from boring.........2008 will forever be remembered by me as "The Perfect Storm", except no George Clooney or fishing boats, just 50 foot killer waves of the financial kind.......
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Old 01-01-2009, 05:50 PM   #138
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...people have told me all my life I was/am wrong for not having children.
Don't let it get to you. They're just trying to defend their own decision and stifle their own regrets. Misery loves company.
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Old 01-02-2009, 08:29 AM   #139
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Crispus,

I feel your pain and I feel like I may be in your same position some day. Iím long past divorced from my sonís mother, my son is 24. After many, many years of financial support and help in every way imaginable, including 4 years of private college I recently hit a cross roads with him where I told him that I could no longer finance his lifestyle. Iíve failed to teach him the difference between needs and wants and the importance of living within your means; he just doesnít ďget itĒ. In order to try to preserve a healthy father son relationship I told him that I can no longer pay for his current of future lifestyle in any way. After so many years of trying to get him on track and understanding money issues Iíve come to realize that I just canít get him to see things the way I believe they need to be viewed. I told him that I donít give up easy on anything but I didnít think there is any way Iím going to get him to realize that he must find a way to live within his means. Of all the arguments and heated discussions we have had most are related to his childish use of money. I made it very clear that I donít want to hear about his financial problems and that he needs to figure it out on his own. I really hope he hunkers down and that a little bit of all these years of teaching and showing by example have sunk in more than it shows but I really have my doubts. As a parent itís the most frustrating thing I have been thru up to now.

I can see the same scenario some day when he meets that special girl. After the few hundred thousand that Iíve spent on him up to now I have no stomach for funding a wedding or anything else. Itís high time I focus on other things, mainly making sure my lovely wife and I can get of this treadmill somedayÖ..sooner than laterÖÖand hopefully join the ranks of some of you lucky dogsÖÖ..

Good luck with your situation with your daughter. Remember youíve done nothing wrong. Stand your ground and be true to yourself.
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Old 01-02-2009, 11:42 AM   #140
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We then drove 3 hours to San Diego for a weekend honeymoon - splurged on a fancy hotel at the Embarcadero & went to the Zoo. We were both back at work Mon morning. .
Wow, you had a honeymoon. We saved for 4 years then finally went south. Our honeymoon was at home, as I recall, we enjoyed ourselves
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