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Old 01-07-2009, 05:07 PM   #161
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I haven't read through this thread, just the OP. That said, my wife and I paid for our own wedding and honeymoon. We were 25 (me) and 24 (her) and I made about 50K per year at the time, she was a full-time student.

I can't imagine being a 40 year old making 6 figures and expecting anyone to pay for my second wedding. But that's just me. Good luck with whatever you decide!
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Old 01-07-2009, 05:47 PM   #162
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I can't imagine being a 40 year old making 6 figures and expecting anyone to pay for my second wedding. But that's just me. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Without knowing more, it does seem like any decent 40 year old making money like this could afford $12,500 for his own wedding if he (and his wife) place a high importance on spending this much for a wedding. Why even resort to extorting money out of Pops in the first place? I somewhat understand if a couple of 20-somethings fresh out of college with no money look for a little help for their wedding, but an established individual with a career seeking help from future parents-in-law?? Maybe a six figure income isn't what it used to be.
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Old 01-07-2009, 06:49 PM   #163
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Maybe a six figure income isn't what it used to be.
Not with a 6 figure+ outgo. I wonder if Crispus's daughter has figured out that 6 figure salary is only 1/2 of the solution.
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Old 01-16-2009, 03:53 PM   #164
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How about letting the 40 year old "man" with 3 kids pay for his own wedding? Sorry, but if you are going to rob the cradle you should have to pay the piper IMO.
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Old 01-16-2009, 06:13 PM   #165
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The angry side of me agrees with landonew.
By the way still no contact with my daughter
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Old 01-17-2009, 12:26 PM   #166
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Bummer if this costs your relationship long term.

Interesting reading related to these circumstances at: Judith Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. Might provide some insight into the "why" behind your daughter's behavior. Or not.
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Old 01-17-2009, 12:55 PM   #167
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That said, I would still calmly go along with the $2500 check no matter what her offensive behavior. A.) she's still your daughter, after all and B.) you need to demonstrate that her shenanigans aren't going to sway you one way OR the other. You're just the ship of state that's going to stick to its course. That's my humble opinion.

Best of luck!
I am betwixt & between. I agree with the above advise but I understand your anger. I would be p*ssed off too. Half of me wants to say take the high road & the other half wants to tell you to take a vacation with the $2,500.00 and send them a post card.

I hope this situation can have a happy conclusion for your sake. Keep us posted.
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Old 01-19-2009, 06:21 AM   #168
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Go with ladelfina's advice.
If you cave in and "buy" contact your daughter will have a lesson learned. I can already imagine what she expects on the birth of your grandchild ... or her divorce.
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Old 01-28-2009, 04:16 PM   #169
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We were 34 and 35 (first marriage for both) when we got married - we didn't live together and wanted a small wedding, say less than 20 people. We had a beautiful wedding with a JoP with champagn and cake that we paid for. My parents treated the guests to dinner and her parents gave us $2500. It was beautiful and memorable.
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Old 01-28-2009, 04:51 PM   #170
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The angry side of me agrees with landonew.
By the way still no contact with my daughter
You've handled this well. And my advice to you would be, however this plays out, leave a window open for her to make amends. Don't make it difficult or demeaning for her to reconcile.

Good luck!
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Old 01-28-2009, 04:58 PM   #171
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I think she is trying to get back in my good graces. Last week she quickly accepted my facebook friend invitation. I feel that at this point she has to make a real move towards reconciliation in order to move forward from here. I also feel that the timing is critical. If she tries to apologize a month before the wedding, IMHO it is to late. I know she wants me to make the first move and she will act like nothing is wrong. I have done this many times in the past. This time I am holding tough.
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Old 01-29-2009, 12:37 PM   #172
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...trying to get back in my good graces...she has to make a real move towards reconciliation in order to move forward from here...timing is critical..she wants me to make the first move and she will act like nothing is wrong....many times in the past.
This time I am holding tough.
If there is an established "script" that comes from the past, a changeup on your part is a great idea. Good to keep her guessing.
Manipulative children of ANY age learn from a predictable "action-reaction script", i.e. their action produces the parent (or parents) reaction. Time to burn the script.
Hang in there...
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Old 01-29-2009, 01:01 PM   #173
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we paid the marriage license fee everything else was free - we married ourselves in a garden - Quaker wedding - everybody brought a dish..

i credit this as the start of my early retirement...

we just went to my daughter's friends' wedding over 20 grand probably

dw and i were wondering if with the depression a coming if weddings will get more simple.

we have been encouraging kids if they do get married to follow our example.
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Old 01-29-2009, 03:10 PM   #174
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If there is an established "script" that comes from the past, a changeup on your part is a great idea. Good to keep her guessing.
Manipulative children of ANY age learn from a predictable "action-reaction script", i.e. their action produces the parent (or parents) reaction. Time to burn the script.
Hang in there...
I have observed this dynamic.
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Old 02-01-2009, 04:04 AM   #175
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Crispus, sorry to hear about your daughter's reaction...that has got to really hurt. The only thing I have to offer is - do NOT apologize for the amount of money you are offering. I don't think there's anything wrong with something along the lines "this is what we can do, after having looked at our finances", but I think if you go much further into appearing to apologize, then it validates her stance on the thing (i.e. if you were not wrong, why would you be apologizing?).

Personally, considering her fiance is comfortable, I think your offer is very generous. Being in roughly the same age group and income range as the fiance, I'd be embarrassed for the in-laws to pay for the wedding - though I'd be ok with gifts that are separate from the wedding itself, or maybe part of the wedding if the in-laws mentioned that it was important to them to contribute something. Either way, it would be awkward, for sure.
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spoil daughter
Old 02-08-2009, 07:40 AM   #176
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spoil daughter

i got a spoil daughter too. i guess it's my fault to teach them

love=money

money=happy spouse; happy family


enuff
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Old 02-09-2009, 03:40 PM   #177
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i got a spoil daughter too. i guess it's my fault to teach them

love=money

money=happy spouse; happy family


enuff
God, I seriously hope this isn't how marriage/children actually is. I would hate to be seen as just a pay-check.
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Old 02-09-2009, 06:33 PM   #178
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God, I seriously hope this isn't how marriage/children actually is. I would hate to be seen as just a pay-check.
It can and does happen. I have someone very close to me who was treated like this for over 2 decades.
The good news is he escaped and is very happy now.
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Old 02-09-2009, 06:37 PM   #179
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It can and does happen. I have someone very close to me who was treated like this for over 2 decades.
The good news is he escaped and is very happy now.
Over the years, I have realized that sometimes men are seen as a 'walking wallet'.

I never saw them that way.
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Old 02-09-2009, 06:46 PM   #180
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Giving into this emotional blackmail will just encourage more in the future.
My smart, able-bodied, well-educated sister just tried to put the arm on my parents for $35K, and me for $50K, to buy a house. She's calling it a loan, but she has no wage-earning partner, no job, and no prospect of paying it back. She does, however, have all the time in the world to join clubs, go on trips, and party with friends.

I said no. She threw a fit. She asked my dad to cover my $50K on top of the $35K she originally asked for. He said no. She threw another fit.

She's 51 years old.

I know this is incredibly tough, Crispus, but if you don't nip this in the bud now you'll be repeating it for the rest of your life.

Try to remember that you're doing this for her, too. If you don't hold the line she'll keep using the same old tactics and never experience the pride that comes from accomplishing things for herself.
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