How much for daughter's wedding

[Enuff2Eat]

spoil daughter

i got a spoil daughter too. i guess it's my fault to teach them

love=money

money=happy spouse; happy family


enuff

 

[landonew]

i got a spoil daughter too. i guess it's my fault to teach them

love=money

money=happy spouse; happy family


enuff

God, I seriously hope this isn't how marriage/children actually is. I would hate to be seen as just a pay-check.

 

[freebird5825]

God, I seriously hope this isn't how marriage/children actually is. I would hate to be seen as just a pay-check.

It can and does happen. I have someone very close to me who was treated like this for over 2 decades.
The good news is he escaped and is very happy now.

 

[Khan]

It can and does happen. I have someone very close to me who was treated like this for over 2 decades.
The good news is he escaped and is very happy now.

Over the years, I have realized that sometimes men are seen as a 'walking wallet'.

I never saw them that way.

 

[Caroline]

Giving into this emotional blackmail will just encourage more in the future.

My smart, able-bodied, well-educated sister just tried to put the arm on my parents for $35K, and me for $50K, to buy a house. She's calling it a loan, but she has no wage-earning partner, no job, and no prospect of paying it back. She does, however, have all the time in the world to join clubs, go on trips, and party with friends.

I said no. She threw a fit. She asked my dad to cover my $50K on top of the $35K she originally asked for. He said no. She threw another fit.

She's 51 years old.

I know this is incredibly tough, Crispus, but if you don't nip this in the bud now you'll be repeating it for the rest of your life.

Try to remember that you're doing this for her, too. If you don't hold the line she'll keep using the same old tactics and never experience the pride that comes from accomplishing things for herself.

 

[Nords]

God, I seriously hope this isn't how marriage/children actually is. I would hate to be seen as just a pay-check.

Nah, before they learn how to drive they also see you as a chauffeur...

 

[deserat]

Change the comment to manipulative people (or did the children of any age cover that?).....I've dealt with manipulative parents...can be just as bad. Holding the line and making people responsible for their own behavior is an important skill to learn. Either they learn to to be responsible or they learn that behavior doesn't work with you and don't even approach you with their supposed crises...either way, it sure makes your life easier and nicer Hey, isn't that what 'not enabling' is?' ;-)

 

[calmloki]

Child free but still subjected to manipulation.

 

[DaveNineFive]

Just wanted to weigh in quickly here, Crispus. I'm 26, getting married in about 8 months, and our parents have offered to cover the majority of our wedding expenses. While I am extremely grateful for it, I still feel awkward and a little embarrassed taking money from my parents & my fiance's parents for the wedding. I can't imagine asking for financial help (for a wedding) at 40 - assuming he's established & stable, it speaks poorly of this man's character that he expected you to cover his bill.

However, given our age, spending ~$10k* on a wedding right now would set us back a huge amount on our goals of owning a home. So I really see the gifts we've received not as money but as time. By paying for the majority of our wedding, our parents have given us the gift of years. It doesn't seem like it, but if this is the case with your daughter, I've never been more grateful for a gift.

(*The price tag was pretty much set by the bride's mother, which makes things a little easier to swallow.)

 

[crispus]

DaveNineFive it's very generous of your parents to cover the cost of your wedding. It sounds like you are very appreciative of this gift. As for the gift of time. My first marriage was a tiny reception with hors d'oeuvres and cocktails. We had saved up for a down payment on a townhouse and we wanted to use the majority of any money we received on that. Looking back I don't feel we missed anything by not having a large wedding. In fact I can say I never think about it at all. Sometimes society forces us to do things that we realy could do just as well without.

 

[grumpy]

Crispus,

As a basis of comparison I offer the following information.

My son (age 34) just got married last month. His wife is from Brazil. Their wedding was held in Brazil at their expense, with a small contribution from her parents, who are not in a strong financial position. We gave them a wedding gift of $10,000. I do not know if they used any of that toward the cost of the wedding.

From our side of the family only my wife, daughter, sister, brother-in-law and I went to the wedding in Brazil. We have decided to make a second wedding here in the US in May so that our family and friends can celebrate with us. This will be totally at our expense. I initially set a budget of $15,000 for this wedding but, as these things usually go, it looks now like it will run closer to $17,500. This will, by no means be a low-end affair. The wedding will be on a Sunday afternoon when costs are significantly lower. It will be held at an elegant ballroom. We expect approx. 110 guests for a cocktail hour following the ceremony,with hot hors d'oeuvres and open bar, followed by a sit down dinner. We have hired a 5 piece band which will also provide a piano player during the cocktail hour.

We could have reduced the costs by opting for a buffet instead of sit down dinner and a DJ instead of a band. But in any case, a perfectly enjoyable wedding can be done for less than $15,000.

I am sorry that things have gotten tense with your daughter over the wedding but I think that she and her future spouse have sufficient resources to plan a wedding on the assumption that they pay the full costs and that they should be grateful for any contribution you care to make.

Grumpy

Our son's second wedding (in the US this time) was held on Sunday. Here's an update on what it cost us:

Total costs were $16,500

95 Guests @ $70 = $6650 this covered the venue for the ceremony, and reception, a cocktail hour with open bar, and sit down dinner and desert table. Price also included the wedding cake and center pieces.

5 piece band = $3900
Photographer = $1400
Rabbi's honorarium $1200
Invitation & Postage $400
Flowers $500
Everything else $2500 - included hotel rooms, gowns for DW and DD, Tux rental, bartender, travel, gift bags for guests, etc.

As you can see from the attached pictures, it was a great party. I have been to weddings that cost three to five times as much that were not any nicer than ours.

 

[clifp]

Looks like a very nice wedding, with a very good looking couple. I don't think I'd be grumpy if that was my new daughter in law

 

[Mill]

Crispus. Any updates?

 

[Dreamer]

It looks like a beautiful wedding. Congratulations on gaining a new daughter.

 

[Zoocat]

Crispus, I hope that you have followed this thread to get an objective viewpoint on your situation. But I also hope that you will not follow the common advice here to react to your daughter's bad behavior. A father-daughter relationship lasts a lifetime and you will regret using money as a weapon to punish your daughter for her rudeness.

I agree with one of the posters who suggested that you sit down or telephone both your daughter and her fiance and discuss their plans and your contributions. Be candid about your values and your ability to contribute. Express your desire to be a part of their happy occasion. I think your wife's suggestion of $5000 is a good one.

Remember that she is your daughter and that a relationship can change and grow as she matures. I think you will want a good relationship with her as you grow older.