I don't know whether to be offended or more determined

[JDARNELL]

Last night we were at some friends for Thanksgiving dinner along with 3 other families. Two are retired military and the other is a govt civilian under the old retirement plan. After dinner there were a series of discussions. One was the market tanking, another was debating the make-up of various ETFs between two of the guys (mine is better than yours), paying off a mortgage and having a mortgage, and the last was on long term planning. CINC house and I was very quiet and just listened. Everyone seemed to be an expert and their view was right.

One guy is going to retire next summer. He is 62, no debt, and about a $20k military pension. He and his wife talked about talked about how they had planned, and even had a spreadsheet which includes, mandatory IRA withdraw dates, optimal time to take SS and their estimated demise dates. IMHO he has really thought thru his path ahead.

Another wife went on and on about planning. She thought long term planning was a waste. She said she only knew what her vacation was next year and didn’t plan for anything else. There was also some discussion about how she viewed investing the market etc. Essentially all her money is in her mattress.

Then she turned to me and said “so what are you going to do when you retire from the AF in two years?” Her husband looked at me and kind of grinned because he knows the deal as we have discussed it many times. I said well I am going to retire, spend time with the family and then maybe do something or not I haven’t decided on that one yet. She looked at me like I was from Mars. And said “YOU CAN”T DO THAT you have two small kids and will be in your early 40s, you have to work another 20 yrs. I know my husband is because he has to pay for this house.” Then the rant began.

I have never had anyone attack me that way on this subject. I was stunned and felt like someone punched me in the gut, thought about doubting myself, thought you are right I do have two young kids and that is the reason I need to RE to spend time with them, and then mentally switched to the “watch my tracers” mode all in about 60 seconds.

I know we can do this. Earlier that morning I had set down with CINC house and laid out where I thought we were going to be financially so I had a pretty good feel that we will be ok. She kept on and on about “you can’t do that.”

Has this ever happened to you and how did you deal with it? I am sure the critics will come out of the woodwork closer to my ER date. I am still stunned about this.

Tomcat98

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

You ran into someone who wants what you have and since they cant have it, you cant either.

Her hairballs implicitly inhibit her from doing whats needed to be successful in investing and retiring. Not ranting on you forces her to admit her self failings in these areas.

 

[Calgary_Girl]

No, this has never happened to me. But, I imagine if it ever did I would either A) ignore it; or B) Say "Wanna make a bet?"

It seems to me that the people who are "non-believers" are usually the jealous types since they know they could never afford to do what you're planning.

 

[REWahoo]

She kept on and on about “you can’t do that.”

Has this ever happened to you and how did you deal with it?

What she was really saying is "I/we can't do it, so neither can you!".

And the best way to deal with it is to change the subject when someone asks you about your plans.

 

[bssc]

I think that by existing, you have confronted her world view that life is random and you have to bury money in your back yard in a tin can. I would have made some comment about getting an inheritance (we got $4K from the MIL's estate) to deflect her.

But, as you noted, the problem is with her and she is in denial. You just have to keep moving along, knowing that you are doing the best for your kids. Make sure that you tell them about Early Retirement so they don't tell their teachers that you don't have a job.

 

[Chonder]

LOL...I am 38 and work for City Government where EVERYONE but me is on the 30 year and out plan. I opted for the self-managed plan. One day a fella of similar age/senority as me made the comment that WE would be there 20ish more years. I said, NO, I have 5-8 more years to go. The room got quiet. They all knew I only have several years in.
I explained that I was in the self managed plan AND a deferred comp plan and that I would retire with 15-18 years and get the same payout I would have gotten in 30.
They chose to disbelieve me and treated it as a joke. Oh well, when I leave in 6+- years...they will STILL disbelieve that I am FI, they will find another scenario to believe NO MATTER WHAT I tell them. So I feel what you're saying.
But for them to accept that they have LOST 10+ years of their life through poor management is more than they will ever accept. Easier to think I am crazy or a liar.

 

[bbbamI]

She was way out of line. I swear, I think some people need muzzles.

The last time someone made a snide remark to us, I just said, "we are wealthy." That pretty much shut 'em up.

 

[clifp]

I have had a number of people say that you are too young to be retired, but never anybody go into full attack mode.

I guess there is a reason that envy is one of the seven deadly sins. Take comfort that if Catholic church is correct she will rot in hell unless she confesses and repents what she did

Actually, I think I'd take comfort in not being married to the lady!

 

[youbet]

I was very quiet and just listened.

There's your problem!

If you were standing next to a burning fuel tank which was certainly going to explode and kill everyone around it, would you just stand there quietly or run away?

Next time you're in this kind of situation where the outcome is so predictable, save yourself some grief and run for the hills........

 

[TromboneAl]

Interesting story. For us civvies, what is "watch my tracers mode" and what is a CINC house ([SIZE=-1]cytokine-induced neutrophil chemoattractant?)?[/SIZE]

 

[clifp]

Interesting story. For us civvies, what is "watch my tracers mode" and what is a CINC house ([SIZE=-1]cytokine-induced neutrophil chemoattractant?)?[/SIZE]

Not Military but

CINC house = wife. Commander in Chief House, cute I think

 

[FIREd]

Something similar happened to me once at a party. I was talking to a guy in his fifties and somehow his retirement plans came up in the conversation. He had it all figured out apparently, take social security at 62, retire at 65 and play golf 3-4 times a week, living off SS plus the interests generated by his CDs (all his money was in CDs, stocks and bonds were for suckers in his opinion. I'll spare you his reasoning on this subject). Since he seemed very proud of his accomplishments, he started giving (unsolicited) advice to the younsgter (me, in my early thirties), so that one day the youngster could enjoy the same kind of retirement he will enjoy. After a while, I told him I was planning on retiring in my forties. First he thought I was joking, but when he realized I wasn't he basically got really annoyed and paternalistic. How would the youngster know anything about retirement at his age? "Retirement planning is a complex thing son". "It ain't easy to save money son"... He basically managed to make me feel and look like a fool and I was really offended. But since I grew up with this idea that you must respect your elders (no matter how undeserving you think they are), I just shut up.
Even my parents think I am crazy to even contemplate retirement in my forties. They are Europeans, and retiring early is "just not what people do". What does it say about you if you retire early? It says you are lazy. It says you don't contribute to society. How would it reflect on the rest of the family if you were "unemployed" (the name they give to people under age 60 who are not working)? Yes, for my folks, ER is not an accomplishment, it brings on shame.
So now I just keep my ER plan for myself (well I do share them with my wife on occasion ). I don't discuss them with anyone except with anonymous strangers who share my goals and ideals like the members of this forum.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

This is why I dont talk about investments or financial situations with anyone that doesnt ask me a specific question, and then I just answer the question and go back to shutting up.

No good ever comes of it.

 

[Meadbh]

She's just jealous and incredulous. Be happy you have more sense, and don't take this personally. If you are pressed for an answer again, say you're thinking of going into finance.

 

[youbet]

So now I just keep my ER plan for myself .

Good idea and a concept lots of folks (young or old) are having trouble catching onto. Bringing up your ER plans is exactly like bringing up your wealth/money status. Almost almost always in bad form and possibly offensive or boring to the listener.

When making conversation, much better to challenge someone's religion or politics!

 

[Puzzley]

First, it's absolutely none of her business, and she was way, way off base.

Second, the best thing for you to do is ignore her, and go on with your well thought out plan.

 

[samclem]

Wow. Yep, you surely touched a nerve with her.

I don't discuss our financial situation with others for the reasons we've touched on here. Plus, typical party conversation concerning investments is usually full of inaccuracies and a bunch of people in transmit mode with no one listening. If someone seems really open to advice and asks me, I'll chime in.

This forum is a little like AA. "Hello, my name is samclem and I'm a saver . . . "

 

[dex]

Good idea to keep your ER plans to yourself.
Are you the type of person that is influenced by uniformed people?
This woman does not know much about you - financial, goals etc.
It you allow these type of people to whipsaw you; you will be second guessing yourself.
Surround yourself with people who inspire you and your goals like Billy and Akishia.
Good luck

 

[kumquat]

Way back when, one of my co-w*rkers got into Amway. Tried to [-]interest [/-] suck me in, told me of his plans to ER in 1988. He's still there, I left in June.

If anyone suggests that I might have to w*rk in the future I ask if I can try my next carreer on them. When they say 'what', I say 'Welcome to Walmart, clothing for the seriously obese is in aisle 22'.

Who cares about their opinion.

 

[clifp]

Even my parents think I am crazy to even contemplate retirement in my forties. They are Europeans, and retiring early is "just not what people do". What does it say about you if you retire early? It says you are lazy. It says you don't contribute to society. How would it reflect on the rest of the family if you were "unemployed" (the name they give to people under age 60 who are not working)? Yes, for my folks, ER is not an accomplishment, it brings on shame.
.

Sorry cheap European shot...


Well if I had a 35 hour work week and 8 or is 10 weeks of vacation a year, I'd probably keep working also!

 

[bssc]

You need to practice pointing to the left and yelling, "Look, its Elvis!!!" while making a quick escape.

 

[FIREd]

Sorry cheap European shot...


Well if I had a 35 hour work week and 8 or is 10 weeks of vacation a year, I'd probably keep working also!

LOL! Cheap shot? Yes. But so true...

 

[JDARNELL]

Interesting story. For us civvies, what is "watch my tracers mode" and what is a CINC house ([SIZE=-1]cytokine-induced neutrophil chemoattractant?)?[/SIZE]

Watch my tracers? Kind of like full steam ahead, damn the torpedos, I'll do it just to spite you etc. There are some more colorful examples that I will spare the readers.

Wife says it was the alcohol talking and to not think much about it.

The entire conversation topics were to in depth with friends. That is why I just sat there. Maybe I am a little touchy on this subject? I guess it might have been better recieved by me if someone could have laid out an articulate argument, and engaged in a thought provoking dialog. I just dialed it out and chose not to engage.

I really don't think there was any jealousy involved as we are basically all in the same socio economic class with some minor differences. We did have a great time as we always do when we are together. Just maybe not her subject area. Where as her husband and I can have deep economic discussions that challenge many ideas.

Someone mentioned get a new group of friends. I told the spouse today I needed to broaden my friend base in this area. But to be honest my peers/friends can't believe that I may be willing to walk away from a second career as govt civilian or contractor making good money. As many of the military folks on the board have told me the job offers will be there. They already are.

I guess I should start making a list of things to tell people when they ask what I do.

1. None of your business
2. Consultant
3. Portfolio Manager
4. Govt enhanced early retiree
5. Kept Man

At the end of the day I shouldn't care what people think, and deep down I don't think I do. I just need to be prepared if/when it happens again. Spouse is totally on board. Over the last year as we have been discussing she has made it clear that I have a kitchen pass to do whatever because she knows things will be taken care of. I even carry around a note she signed that says "Whatever he wants to do is fine." Talk about a get out of jail free card

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I just devolved into telling people I stay home, watch the little one and clean the house.

Then I watch them mark me down 20% internally.

Underestimated is exactly what I like being...

 

[Nords]

Watch my tracers? Kind of like full steam ahead, damn the torpedos, I'll do it just to spite you etc. There are some more colorful examples that I will spare the readers.

Clif, you know that tracers (flaming phosphorous or other chemical compounds) are in every third or fourth round of an ammo belt so that when you're shooting your wing guns you can see where the bullets are going, right?

Here, Tomcat, I'll get that other one before someone asks: "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" Admiral Farragut at the Battle of Mobile Bay when one of his staff expressed concern that the channel was [-]full of torpedoes[/-] mined. Today it's what surface warriors say whenever someone wonders if there's a submarine in the area...

Someone mentioned get a new group of friends. I told the spouse today I needed to broaden my friend base in this area. But to be honest my peers/friends can't believe that I may be willing to walk away from a second career as govt civilian or contractor making good money. As many of the military folks on the board have told me the job offers will be there. They already are.

Anyhow, welcome to the club.

Spouse & I were helping out at a reunion of USNA Class of '50 (I'm '82) and one of the spouses asked how we were available at 9 AM on a Monday. When I told her we were retired, she said "Oh my, you're too young to retire!" and I responded with "Uh-oh, I didn't know there was a minimum age." She came around after a couple hours, but it's probably a good thing that she and her spouse weren't still working.

After all those conversations you've had with that woman's husband, it's interesting that he didn't rise to your defense. Maybe he knows better than to challenge her assumptions. I hope that he's not working because it's easier than retiring with her.

At the end of the day I shouldn't care what people think, and deep down I don't think I do. I just need to be prepared if/when it happens again. Spouse is totally on board. Over the last year as we have been discussing she has made it clear that I have a kitchen pass to do whatever because she knows things will be taken care of. I even carry around a note she signed that says "Whatever he wants to do is fine." Talk about a get out of jail free card

You have to care what the right people think. Your kids will let you know that you're making the right choices, and you're probably going to be starting terminal leave just as they enter the "teen danger zone". Your spouse will be more than happy to let you deal with that time of their lives, which will probably make diapers look easy.

You should tell the woman that you're:
1. Retiring to take care of the kids while your spouse ramps up her career, or
2. You've always wanted to be an at-home parent sitting around all day watching TV & eating bonbons.