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I know some of you have been through this...
03-11-2013, 03:58 PM
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#1
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Moderator
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 14,140
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I know some of you have been through this...
But today I am seriously looking at meaning of life questions.
A good friend who is only 2 months older than me passed away, suddenly, last night.
She was thin, fit, ate right (vegetarian, health nut)... did everything right.
She was a teacher - I cannot imagine how a classroom of 4th graders is going to deal with this loss.
It was very sudden... was fine on Saturday, died of septic shock last night.
It's making me very philosophical. Wondering why I'm hanging on to my job just for a "buffer" of safety. (firecalc says I'm good - but there's not a lot of margin in my numbers.)
My plans, when I retire early, are to do more volunteering. I'm already on the board of a school foundation, and coach a USFIRST robotics team... I can see lots of opportunities to do more volunteer work if I'm not tied to a job.
In the meantime my DH and I need to get a plan to help support her husband through this. After 30 years with her, they were still hopelessly in love. He's in shock, but he'll need people to talk to when the shock starts to wear off.
I'm 51. She was 2 months older than me. I'm stunned. We both lost brothers prematurely, in our/their 40's. But knowing death *can* happen suddenly doesn't really process right now.
I'm rambling... I'm sorry.
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03-11-2013, 04:05 PM
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#2
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 17,773
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So sorry to hear this, Rodi. Ramble as much as you need to.
__________________
“Would you like an adventure now, or would you like to have your tea first?” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
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03-11-2013, 04:09 PM
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#3
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Moderator
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flyover country
Posts: 25,157
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So sorry about this.
That kind of shock hits many of us, always at random times, and whatever age and experience we have accumulated does nothing to prevent our being struck hard by it.
Still, look at the silver lining, which is your inclination to take a good hard look at your own situation and do what's best.
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03-11-2013, 04:12 PM
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#4
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 254
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One of my best friends retired at 55, died at 57. It really sinks in.
__________________
Don't you know that dynamite always blows down ? --- Moe to Curly
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03-11-2013, 04:13 PM
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#5
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 47,468
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My condolences. What a shock to have this happen to someone so young and healthy. It really brings the fragility and evanescent nature of life to the forefront of one's mind.
__________________
Already we are boldly launched upon the deep; but soon we shall be lost in its unshored, harbourless immensities. - - H. Melville, 1851.
Happily retired since 2009, at age 61. Best years of my life by far!
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03-11-2013, 04:14 PM
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#6
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,497
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I am sorry to read this, Rodi, sorry for your loss.
We talk all the time here about asset allocation.
Time is an asset, too, and your friend's sudden death is a harsh reminder of that fact.
__________________
Chief Retirement Strategist
The AR Group
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03-11-2013, 04:15 PM
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#7
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,360
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(1) While it is of course unfortunate that your friend died despite following a healthy lifestyle, don't let that cause you to abandon any good habits that you may have. Although there are no guarantees, it is better to play the odds and try to "do everything right", rather than be fatalistic.
(2) We are all at risk of imminent death: either through trauma, or undetected disease. While it's a bit impractical to "live every day as though it is your last", I do suggest trying to be consistently kind to others, especially those close to you. Helping your friend's husband will of course be consistent with that approach.
(3) Take comfort in the fact that your friend (apparently) died quickly and without significant pain.
(4) If possible, start gradually ramping up your volunteer activities over time.
__________________
"To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive". Robert Louis Stevenson, An Inland Voyage (1878)
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03-11-2013, 04:17 PM
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#8
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 862
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Life is fragile and uncertain, for sure.
I attended a funeral service last Friday for the Grandfather of a friend.
At the service he mentioned that 7 of his relatives had passed away during the past 12 months. All the deaths, except that of his grandfather, were unexpected.
So as not to violate forum rules, I will not say anything more except that it is in times like these when my Christian faith strengthens me.
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03-11-2013, 04:21 PM
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#9
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 6,496
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Loosing friends is hard at any age. It is also a reminder to enjoy life for all the good things it has to offer.
Glad you are thinking of helping her husband out.
__________________
There must be moderation in everything, including moderation.
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03-11-2013, 04:24 PM
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#10
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 178
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A co-worker died in his 40's a couple of months ago and that's why I'm on this forum.
This was actually about the 6th co-worker that have died in the last 3 years, but they were a little older, in their early 50's.
I started to think about the crazy people that I have to deal with at work and thought, "wow...this could be me...dying at 40 and I'm spending my 50 hours a week having to listen to crazy people whine so they can get their big bonus or keep their job."
I'm going to target retiring in 5 years instead of 15 years now.
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03-11-2013, 04:30 PM
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#11
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Moderator
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 14,140
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Thanks guys. I met her in college - and I still can't believe she's gone. It was so weird when her husband called to tell me.
Surreal is probably the best description.
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03-11-2013, 04:46 PM
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#12
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Sacramento area
Posts: 467
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolius
So as not to violate forum rules, I will not say anything more except that it is in times like these when my Christian faith strengthens me.
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++1
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03-11-2013, 05:05 PM
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#13
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: West of the Mississippi
Posts: 17,134
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I have lost several friends and relatives.
I am sorry for your loss.
__________________
Comparison is the thief of joy
The worst decisions are usually made in times of anger and impatience.
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03-11-2013, 05:23 PM
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#14
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Dryer sheet aficionado
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 46
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Rodi the same thing happend just a few months ago to a friend of mine just two years older than me. Completly unexpected. It makes you stop and think and shake. I am terribly sorry for your loss. I understand how surreal it feels.
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03-11-2013, 05:57 PM
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#15
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 11,314
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My condolences Rodi. You are right that her students will be shocked. Most kids are very resilient and will be fine but a few of them will problem have a hard time with this.
__________________
Idleness is fatal only to the mediocre -- Albert Camus
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03-11-2013, 05:58 PM
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#16
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NC Triangle
Posts: 5,807
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These are awful things to go through. I understand why you are feeling philosophical..
You are not rambling, just talking.
__________________
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03-11-2013, 06:15 PM
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#17
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Collin County, TX
Posts: 9,293
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steelyman
These are awful things to go through. I understand why you are feeling philosophical..
You are not rambling, just talking.
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I agree.
I'm sorry for your loss rodi. I hope time heals your heart.
__________________
There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
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03-11-2013, 06:19 PM
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#18
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: midwestern city
Posts: 4,061
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Sorry to read this. Take care.
__________________
Very conservative with investments. Not ER'd yet, 48 years old. Please do not take anything I write or imply as legal, financial or medical advice directed to you. Contact your own financial advisor, healthcare provider, or attorney for financial, medical and legal advice.
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03-11-2013, 06:37 PM
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#19
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,360
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolius
So as not to violate forum rules, I will not say anything more except that it is in times like these when my Christian faith strengthens me.
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While I am in no way religious myself, if some sort of faith brings comfort in difficult times, I see no harm in that.
__________________
"To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive". Robert Louis Stevenson, An Inland Voyage (1878)
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03-11-2013, 06:43 PM
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#20
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Northern IL
Posts: 26,806
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My condolences also. And yes, hard to imagine how hard this will be on a class of 4th graders. Very sad.
Milton said most of what I would have said, so I'll quote that and add a bit at the end...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Milton
(1) While it is of course unfortunate that your friend died despite following a healthy lifestyle, don't let that cause you to abandon any good habits that you may have. Although there are no guarantees, it is better to play the odds and try to "do everything right", rather than be fatalistic.
(2) We are all at risk of imminent death: either through trauma, or undetected disease. While it's a bit impractical to "live every day as though it is your last", I do suggest trying to be consistently kind to others, especially those close to you. Helping your friend's husband will of course be consistent with that approach.
(3) Take comfort in the fact that your friend (apparently) died quickly and without significant pain.
(4) If possible, start gradually ramping up your volunteer activities over time.
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Well said, and while times like this make us reflect about the 'what ifs' of our own early demise, the fact is that most of us will go on to live long lives. On to our 80's/ 90's, and even past 100 for some of us. So while we might focus on a 'live for today' strategy in times like this, we shouldn't lose sight of the fact that we probably need to plan for a long (and hopefully productive and happy) future. Maybe you can't absorb this right now, but think of it after the shock wears off.
The best thing you can do now is be a friend to the spouse. After the shock wears off, each holiday, and each minor milestone will be tough - they need someone to listen and just be there for them. Professional help and/or a support group can help some people, and/or faith for some.
Take Care -ERD50
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