Live in the Moment?

[Bimmerbill]

I was sort of feeling similar to the OP. I had a great job, made lots of money, and bought all the toys I wanted. But something was missing still. I was never sure what it was.

Then I had DD. Sort of felt like a "reason to live" to be more engaged, to not just go thru the motions. I never thought I'd have kids, was always scared of them.

That worked for me, but your mileage may vary.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill I was sort of feeling similar to the OP. I had a great job, made lots of money, and bought all the toys I wanted. But something was missing still. I was never sure what it was. Then I had DD. Sort of felt like a "reason to live" to be more engaged, to not just go thru the motions. I never thought I'd have kids, was always scared of them. That worked for me, but your mileage may vary.

I felt the same way. It was almost if my real life began when my first child was born, and got even better with the second one. My son is having the exact same experience with his baby daughter.

Ha

[FUEGO]

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Originally Posted by haha I felt the same way. It was almost if my real life began when my first child was born, and got even better with the second one. My son is having the exact same experience with his baby daughter.

Without a doubt. Kids change your perspective on life, your motivations, your interests.

[WhoDaresWins]

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Originally Posted by haha I felt the same way. It was almost if my real life began when my first child was born, and got even better with the second one. My son is having the exact same experience with his baby daughter. Ha

Very true with me also. I think you can be perfectly happy without kids. Maybe happier in some respects. But, when I became a mother I felt a huge connection with something more important than myself. Still feel that way. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me. And I think my husband felt the same way. I feel very connected to him even though we are an ocean away. Even though I am certain he does not feel this way. Yet. One does not truly appreciate one's parents until one is either a: a parent, or b: older and more philosophical. My son tells me he never wants to have kids. I think this is because he realizes what a huge undertaking it is. Better to have kids when you are young and don't intellectualize things too much...

[Milton]

Quote:

Quote: Originally Posted by Kronk The flip side would be having a kid and then finding out that you didn't really want to be a parent after all. I'm sure there are plenty of those people out there. I'd love to hear from one, because I've never heard anyone say that.

There is considerable societal pressure against such confessions.

In any case, whatever the objective facts may be, we all subconsciously rationalize our decisions and become convinced that they were right for us. See further Dan Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness.

Research shows that people typically regret inactions more than actions, and that is probably the best reason for deciding to reproduce.

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One does not truly appreciate one's parents until one is either a: a parent, or b: older and more philosophical.

Or until c: one or both parents die.

[Jay_Gatsby]

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Originally Posted by Milton Or until c: one or both parents die.

Tell me about it.

Just lost my dad a few weeks ago, only a month and a half away from welcoming my first child into this world. As I gear up for becoming a parent, I really miss the opportunity to ask him all sorts of questions - and will for years to come. Speaking of regret at "not" doing something, I regret not having kids a few years ago. Why? Because I dated my wife for six years before getting married to her. Had I gotten off my duff and popped the question a little earlier than that, my dad would have enjoyed a few years with his grandchild, and I would have had the benefit of his wisdom.

Then again, getting married and having kids just to make someone else happy isn't a recipe for your own happiness if that isn't what you want at the time.

[Kronk]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill I was sort of feeling similar to the OP. I had a great job, made lots of money, and bought all the toys I wanted. But something was missing still. I was never sure what it was. Then I had DD. Sort of felt like a "reason to live" to be more engaged, to not just go thru the motions. I never thought I'd have kids, was always scared of them. That worked for me, but your mileage may vary.

It's a huge life decision. The flip side would be having a kid and then finding out that you didn't really want to be a parent after all. I'm sure there are plenty of those people out there.

[Lusitan]

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Originally Posted by Kronk The flip side would be having a kid and then finding out that you didn't really want to be a parent after all. I'm sure there are plenty of those people out there.

I'd love to hear from one, because I've never heard anyone say that. Although I suppose someone could think it, and keep it to themselves.

[Texas Proud]

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Originally Posted by Lusitan I'd love to hear from one, because I've never heard anyone say that. Although I suppose someone could think it, and keep it to themselves.

A number are in jail.... after killing them... I don't think I want to talk to them...

From what I have seen... most of the normal ones are men... but I did meet a woman who wished she did not have kids... but she seemed detached anyhow...

[Lusitan]

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Originally Posted by Texas Proud A number are in jail.... after killing them... I don't think I want to talk to them...

I think it's safe to say those people had other issues besides "not wanting to be a parent" ...

[meekie]

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Originally Posted by Lusitan I'd love to hear from one, because I've never heard anyone say that. Although I suppose someone could think it, and keep it to themselves.

Ann Landers had a question in her column in 1975: If you had it to do over again, would you have children?

Pretty amazing results - people are willing to admit things when they're relatively anonymous.

[IndependentlyPoor]

What do you think the population growth rate would be if sex were no more pleasurable than, say, typing?

[Sarah in SC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meekie Ann Landers had a question in her column in 1975: If you had it to do over again, would you have children? Pretty amazing results - people are willing to admit things when they're relatively anonymous.

And from that same website, a fabulous glossary for the childfree that netted this gem, with apologies to the awesome "DRINKERS' sig line:

THINKER -- Two healthy incomes, no kids, early retirement.

[brewer12345]

Don't be afraid to travel with kids: think of the alternative. Some friends of ours who have kids about the same as ours (3 and 5 for us, 2 and 5 for the) mentioned recently that their kids had never been on a plane (!). Really? Our kids have been to Puerto Rico (2 times, plus in utero once for each), Colorado, New Mexico, soon to be old Mexico, etc. not to mention all the camping trips in the Northeast/New England. Have fun with that first plane trip, guys...

[Alan]

We always took our kids on vacations from being born onwards. We stuck to places where we could drive to while they were very small, then when they were aged 4 & 5 we went to Spain for 2 weeks it was just great. Since then we've been on flying vacations in lots of places in mainland USA plus Hawaii (twice), Australia (twice), Martinique, Canada and England (many times).

They are aged 27 and 28 now and still enthuse about the wonderful vacations and associated experiences they had growing up.

[Meadbh]

Corinne Maier, a French mother of two, dared to write a book about 40 reasons not to have children. It has been controversial ever since it was first published in France in 2007.

Angels or savages - who would have children? | Mail Online

As a pediatrician, I regularly see parents who have no business being parents. I feel sorry for their kids.

[Lusitan]

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Originally Posted by IndependentlyPoor What do you think the population growth rate would be if sex were no more pleasurable than, say, typing?

Well, the geeky answer is that it would probably be the same as it is today: natural selection would have made sure that only those "mutated" humans who found "typing" to be very pleasurable out-reproduced everyone else and populated the globe with their offspring who also inherited the typing-loving gene ...

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Originally Posted by meekie Ann Landers had a question in her column in 1975: If you had it to do over again, would you have children? Pretty amazing results - people are willing to admit things when they're relatively anonymous.

Pretty amusing results, actually. (Wasn't the same fluff mainstream media just telling me that exercise is not good for losing weight?)

"If you had it to do over again, would you have children?

[W]e had received over 10,000 responses, and—are you ready for this?—70 percent of those who wrote said, “No. If I had it to do over again, I would not have children.

The 'No' mail fell into four major categories.

Category One: Young parents who were deeply concerned about global hunger, overpopulation and the possibility that we might incinerate ourselves with nuclear weapons. A San Francisco father expressed his sentiments candidly: “The world is in lousy shape. We would feel guilty if we brought a child into this mess. Later, if we decide we want a family, we will adopt."

[Um, OK -- so apparently this group of "parents" are representative of people who NEVER had kids, for their own personal reasons. Nothing wrong with that, but I don't see how it belongs in a story about people who regret having kids ...]

"Category Two: Parents who stated frankly that their children had ruined their marriage. “Our happiest years were the ones before the babies came,” wrote an Atlanta woman. “In those days, we had time for the theater, parties, rides in the country, weekend trips and best of all—each other.” ...

[LOL - this is exactly why I am not going to stop doing all the fun stuff my wife and I love doing just because we have kids. Seems the best way to avoid feeling resentment and bitterness is to NOT structure your entire world around doing what you think your kid wants to do all the time.]

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Originally Posted by Milton Research shows that people typically regret inactions more than actions ....

Which is why I'm not postponing holidays and foreign travel just because I have kids ...

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Originally Posted by Jay_Gatsby I believe that driving your kids to vacation places is far better than getting on a plane. The latter is a tremendous hassle for adults, such that undertaking it with kids in tow more than once a year would seem masochistic.

Not at all true in my experience.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meadbh Corinne Maier, a French mother of two, dared to write a book about 40 reasons not to have children. It has been controversial ever since it was first published in France in 2007.

Pretty funny, she's the same "shock-author" who is quite media-savvy at generating buzz for her business (selling books) by staking out controversial positions, seemingly just for the heck of it (see her previous cult-classic "Hello Laziness - The Art and the Importance of Doing the Least Possible in the Workplace" that generated the same buzz a few years ago; she knows how to sell books.)

As always, an interview with the author is more revealing than their shock-titled literary creations.

"Nevertheless, it is still shocking to read her declaration that there are moments when she regrets having children – a taboo thought that few mothers would dare to admit ....'Certain days I regret having had them – and I dare to say it.'"

Wow, gee shocking -- "moments" of regret on "certain days" ...

From the same interview, it's actually quite amusing that one of her biggest gripes is "stupid holiday destinations" that parents seem to think are required once you have kids:

"She lavishes scorn on the 'stupid' holiday destinations that adults choose once they have saddled themselves with children – such as Disneyland Paris, a 'village of animated idiots populated by underpaid people dressed as ducks'. 'No, I’ve never been to Disney and I’ve told my children that I will never take them,' Maier says."

Enfants terribles - Times Online

Well, I've got that in common with the author. I've never been to Disneyland, and I don't have it on my agenda for my kids either. I'd rather see the rest of the real world first.

My point was simply that you don't have to stop traveling to interesting places just because you have kids.

[FUEGO]

We just planned a quick vacation with the kids next weekend. We are visiting Linville Falls to do a little hiking and waterfall watching. Then drive down the Blue Ridge Parkway a bit. Maybe see Mount Mitchell, time allowing. Then on to visit the relatives up in them mountains. I can almost hear those banjos twanging already...

No planes involved thank goodness.

[Jay_Gatsby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FUEGO We just planned a quick vacation with the kids next weekend. We are visiting Linville Falls to do a little hiking and waterfall watching. Then drive down the Blue Ridge Parkway a bit. Maybe see Mount Mitchell, time allowing. Then on to visit the relatives up in them mountains. I can almost hear those banjos twanging already... No planes involved thank goodness.

I believe that driving your kids to vacation places is far better than getting on a plane. The latter is a tremendous hassle for adults, such that undertaking it with kids in tow more than once a year would seem masochistic.

[segfault]

I understand the OP's feeling of malaise, but a 95% job is not something to walk away from. The job I have now is well above average in terms of work environment / quality of life, and if I were made "redundant," I would have a very hard time finding anything similar.