Live with parents or move out?

[2soon2tell]

I vote for moving out on your own.

At age 18 I went "away" to college (90 miles). Age 22 after graduation moved home again for a few months till I went to see Uncle Sam for the next 3 years.

As REW said you need to spread your wings, exert your independence and learn to do your own laundry.

[WCFire]

I think it's really telling that even on a personal finance forum, the majority of posters advocate moving out. I took everything said seriously and I've asked in other communities as well. The majority recommendation is to move on and I think that is really what I want to do. This is what I will probably do.

Despite that, I appreciate the contrarian views. I still see the 'stay-in' option as the more practical path. If I was an optimal robot, this is what I would do. My parents see moving out as irrational and so do my friends/colleagues of different cultures (Indian, South American, Eastern European, etc). Why would you pay to leave your family, who you have no problems with, to move just three blocks down and then buy all this redundant 'stuff' for your new housing? Sure it's harder, but there's not much stopping you from doing laundry, paying bills, and dating while residing in your parent's home. Honestly, I have trouble arguing with these points, it just makes perfect sense to me. The "but I want to be freeeee!!!" argument makes me feel naive, and the "because that's what an adult should do and everybody else does it" argument feels like baseless. At some level, I feel this is more a cultural rite-of-passage than a necessary move.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aaronc879 I wish I would've stayed at home longer. It's far less expensive and i'm not very social so wouldn't have done much more "going out" if I was living alone. I also made well under 1/2 the OPs income so that makes a difference. Staying home an extra year or two can really help with savings so if you get along with your parents then I don't see a reason to move out for a couple years. Save enough to pay cash for a high quality used car and then save up until you can put 20% down on a decent starter home...then move out.

I'm actually not super social either, but I don't mind being that way. I think I would value the independence of doing whatever I wanted, even if that didn't involve tons of social activity. This was good to hear though - it's a point I haven't heard yet and it could very possibly apply to me. Thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Walt34 Since you're setting aside $1k/month for your parent's retirement and an apartment would be $1.1k you're only saving $100/month on housing. But since meals are free that can be $200-$300/month too. Add another $200 for misc. stuff that you get for free at home like access to the laundry, utilities, and such. So is it worth saving ~$500/month to stay? I didn't move out until I was 24, and that was only because my recently divorced older sister moved back with a 2-year-old son and I was working shift work. It is impossible to keep a 2-year-old quiet and I needed my beauty rest when working midnights so that's when I got an apartment. But I still helped maintain the house for my mother on days off. Everyone's situation is different so there really isn't a single best answer.

I liked this story. You took the practical path until it no longer made sense to do so. Just for the record, I'd set aside money for my parents regardless of what I did. They don't save much for retirement themselves, but have poured a lot of their money onto me. They paid for college, got me my car, etc. They were not stingy with their money towards me and I intend to repay that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unno2002 Personal opinion: We have been misled by commercial interests into believing that we have to set up our own independent “household”… I am in favor of multi-generation homesteads. If still single, what is the problem with continuing to occupy a bedroom in the family home, contribute to the household expenses, and save / invest a lot more toward your future than you could if you were paying out rent, utilities, etc. for a separate place that you really do not need.

I actually somwhat agree with this. I think only the wealthiest countries have been able to benefit from the young adult 'independence' movement. It looks a lot like a consumer luxury to me. It's extravagance. It's just a personal matter of whether this is an extravagance we'll accept.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dallas27 Hmm, FI or getting laid. Decisions decisions.

Haha. I am not too worried about this. There's nothing stopping me from dating while I'm here, it's just harder. I also think any girl who wouldn't date me solely for residing with my parents is one who's not worth pursuing. I'm not the stereotypical basement-dweller in this situation and, contrary to popular belief, I do my own laundry.

[NW-Bound]

Quote:

Originally Posted by WCFire ... Just for the record, I'd set aside money for my parents regardless of what I did. They don't save much for retirement themselves, but have poured a lot of their money onto me. They paid for college, got me my car, etc. They were not stingy with their money towards me and I intend to repay that...

It is commendable that you are helping your parents now that you are able to.

You said that your parents encourage you to stay, and they think it is for your financial advantage. Some parents like to keep control of their children, but it appears that yours are not that way. Still, at some point adult children need to have life of their own. I think it all depends on how you think, and if you feel still having enough freedom living under their roof.

I stayed at home until I got out of school and got married. Same as you, I did help my parents financially after I moved out, as they still had my two younger brothers to put through college. They would be able to manage without the help, but as the elder son, I would like to see them enjoying some financial slack. I would be able to save and help them more if I stayed at home, but as a married man I was starting my own family and that would not work.

[hnzw_rui]

Quote:

Originally Posted by unno2002 I am in favor of multi-generation homesteads. If still single, what is the problem with continuing to occupy a bedroom in the family home, contribute to the household expenses, and save / invest a lot more toward your future than you could if you were paying out rent, utilities, etc. for a separate place that you really do not need.

Asian so this is pretty much what I grew up with. My grandparents lived with us while I was growing up. Children move out when they get married and even then, the usual rule is the parents live with the youngest daughter (despite said daughter's marriage).

I still live with my parents (apartment rental) and pay more than half of living expenses. When I actually buy a house, then my parents will be living with me.

[Big_Hitter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by WCFire It's extravagance. It's just a personal matter of whether this is an extravagance we'll accept.

it's not extravagance, it's what separates US from second and third world countries


it's not a recent phenomenon either - my parents moved away and started their own lives when they were teenagers too


it's a double-edged sword - I think most parents can't wait for their kids to leave - spending money on "extended stay" children is one of the top retirement land mines

[Bestwifeever]

Sounds your cultural rite of passage is to not move from home. There you go, decision made.

[cooch96]

OP, freedom sounds naive? I couldn't disagree more.

I loved living alone for a few years, until the loneliness got the better of me. I could put stuff down and leave it there, and it would never get misplaced or lost. It seemed like a minor miracle every time.

I think there are some important developmental things that are accomplished by living solo in your youth. Well, maybe not critically important since billions never do it, but certainly important for me.

Life is experiences. In thirty years, you may look back and wish you had a time where you answered to no one and no one kept tabs on your whereabouts.

[utrecht]

I bet that if you took a poll of young people all over the world and asked them if they would rather live with their parents (rent free) or live in their own place (rent free), the vast majority would live on their own. Assuming that's the truth, and I'm confidant that it is, young people don't live with their parents because its cultural, they do it because its a necessity in a lot of the world. Just because a lot of people cant afford something, that doesn't make it extravagant.

What would you do if you won the lottery? Stay at home? If you say you would move out, then you are basing your decision to stay on finances. That's fine if that's what you want to do, but just know that's the reason. Not cultural traditions.

[Big_Hitter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by utrecht That's fine if that's what you want to do, but just know that's the reason. Not cultural traditions.

agreed

[Totoro]

Finance-wise: In both cases you are off to a great frugal start.

I left home basically when I went to university and never went back, but geography, family values and atmosphere at home were completely different than your situation.

A friend of mine did the opposite: he moved back home after graduation, and stayed there until he hit 32 or so. That decision basically allowed him to own his home clear and free by the time he was 35 vs. being in deep mortgage debt.

[Edit] Got the numbers wrong .. oops.

[nash031]

Quote:

Originally Posted by WCFire It's extravagance. It's just a personal matter of whether this is an extravagance we'll accept. Haha. I am not too worried about this. There's nothing stopping me from dating while I'm here, it's just harder. I also think any girl who wouldn't date me solely for residing with my parents is one who's not worth pursuing. I'm not the stereotypical basement-dweller in this situation and, contrary to popular belief, I do my own laundry.

No offense, but if I were looking to justify staying at home, I'd probably view my own place as an extravagance too. It's not. You need to learn to solve your own problems as it comes to living in your own place. Regardless of your and your parents' attitudes about it, you're not learning about the responsibility of managing your own life while you live under their roof in my opinion.

As to the second statement, the older you get, the fewer girls you'll find who won't think it odd that you live with your parents. At 23, you might be able to swing it and explain it away. By 25, I suspect very few people will understand why, making $85k/yr, you still live at home and most will view it as you don't want to grow up or that you're a momma's boy. It's easy to say you wouldn't want to date a girl that thinks that kind of thing... until you meet one you like who does exactly that.

Congratulations on a good start! My vote - obviously - is to get out of your parents' house.

[WCFire]

Quote:

Originally Posted by utrecht I bet that if you took a poll of young people all over the world and asked them if they would rather live with their parents (rent free) or live in their own place (rent free), the vast majority would live on their own. Assuming that's the truth, and I'm confidant that it is, young people don't live with their parents because its cultural, they do it because its a necessity in a lot of the world. Just because a lot of people cant afford something, that doesn't make it extravagant. What would you do if you won the lottery? Stay at home? If you say you would move out, then you are basing your decision to stay on finances. That's fine if that's what you want to do, but just know that's the reason. Not cultural traditions.

Bingo! I found that very insightful, and I think I agree entirely.

Thanks for responses so far everyone. I didn't mean to offend anyone in my previous post. I think I was trying to say (to no one in particular) that I dislike the stigma I get for staying in and that social pressure alone wouldn't make me move.

I'm siding towards moving out now. I put in some apartment applications yesterday, was approved, and am looking at furniture now. My parents are not happy about this, but that was to be expected.

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by WCFire I also think any girl who wouldn't date me solely for residing with my parents is one who's not worth pursuing.

Agreed. But since relationships aren't black and white, what if it isn't the sole issue?

We all bring pluses and minuses to a relationship, so envision this: "He seemed like a real find, not perfect of course, but nothing I couldn't overlook - until I found out he was still living at home. I'm not going there..."

Living with your parents as an adult probably won't be a problem for you if you date someone with similar cultural norms. But it will narrow the available pool of other candidates significantly as it will be a big red flag to many single females.

[Big_Hitter]

part of being "FI" is being "I", just sayin

[Del Q]

I moved out the year I graduated High School with $212 and a new job paying $5 per hour. I moved less than a mile from my parents and went back to help them on their farm every night after work & weekends for free. That was 31 years ago and looking back I wouldn't change a thing.

To me money buys independence, at any age. Living on my own also gave me a great deal more confidence in the work world.

[scrabbler1]

After I finished college in 1985, I lived on my own in a Manhattan apartment, sharing it with another man (we had our own bedrooms and phones; he was not around much). I paid nearly 2/3 of the rent for the rent-stabilized apartment, as he was charging me market value. I was working in lower Manhattan so I had a quick, easy, and cheap commute.


Eight months later, he moved out to live with his girlfriend to whom he became recently engaged. This left me on the hook for the entire rent which would strain my budget a bit. Also, I wasn't enjoying living in Manhattan any more, I wanted to own a car and have more mobility. So, I moved back home to Long Island and had enough cash to buy a car and get my mobility in return for a lousier commute. This was never intended to be a permanent solution.


I paid my parents a few hundred dollars each month which was a good deal for them as well as me. On an incremental basis, they made some money in this arrangement while I was able to quickly rebuild my savings after buying the car. It was okay living there, but I didn't want to become a long-term deal.


Eight months later, I moved out again to my own place, one closer to Manhattan to lessen my commute. I would soon move again to the downtown area of another LI village, giving me a slightly better commute than before while retaining some of the things I liked a lot about living in a downtown area like in Manhattan, all while retaining the mobility from owning a car, and all without busting my budget. I also lived closer to my parents' house than when I lived in Manhattan.


My advice to you, WCFire, would be to move back home but only for a short period of time at most. Set a timetable for moving back out so you don't get too comfortable living there.

[easysurfer]

I think you have to weigh what is a larger priority for you at this time, the money saved for more financial independence, or physical, emotional independence of having your own place.

IMO, I like the idea of having my own place, my own rules.

[target2019]

Here is the parent perspective. Kid graduated, and had good job in a month or so. Wanted to beat feet, but has agreed to wait until property purchase is doable. Turning over 1500-2000 every month to a stranger makes no sense. It is once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to put $2.5k in the bank every month. Add some gift money to that, in a year or two a down payment 'magically' appears. Also means there is sufficient left over to fund 2 overseas vacations in one year.

Ok, as a kid you give up some freedom, and it seems like you'll never get out. But is it worth the wait if you can bank money towards other goals.

[Big_Hitter]

^ from a kid perspective, freedom was worth $x per day - no brainer

[Walt34]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big_Hitter ^ from a kid perspective, freedom was worth $x per day - no brainer

That's why I think so much depends on the individuals and family dynamics. I got along fine with my mother while living there, she didn't try to be controlling (hey, I was over 21) but only asked for the courtesy of letting her know if I was going to be out late so she wouldn't worry. Seemed reasonable to me.

Other folks would feel stifled so they need to make other arrangements and that's fine too.