Wife not "on board" with FIRE

[ponyboy]

lol...funny how your wife who works 5-7 hours a week wants you to continue working. Time for her to find a full time job is shes that worried.

I have a feeling retirement for OP is going to get rather expensive...if you know what I mean.

 

[MichaelB]

I am sure others will come up with better ideas than mine, but here's what I am thinking. Using my idea it will take a year to convince her.

From now, for the next year, put every single cent of your take-home salary, and hers, into taxable investments. Don't touch even a penny of it during the full year. Live ONLY on the income generated by your other assets, for the year.

At the end of the year, look and see how much you have left of the income generate by your other assets during the year-long experiment. Is it enough to have covered any increases in medical insurance you might need due to not getting health insurance through work (if that is the case), and income taxes you will be paying in retirement? Show her how much you have left over.

The purpose of this is to firmly demonstrate to her that you two will have plenty to live on. I am thinking that it should be pretty easy to persuade her once she has seen this for herself.

I think this is a good approach. Sit down with her and tell her you will demonstrate you have more than enough by doing the above. This buys her some time to get used to the idea plus you will have more data in hand for your case. If she still balks, move onto brewer's idea.

+1

 

[ivinsfan]

What happens to the 200 a week that your spouse earns, does it go into the family kitty, or does she consider it her own "spending" money? This answer will help figure out where her head is at and if she considers your salary her money and her salary her money.

When you say she "smiles" at the idea of you running a part time business, what exactly does that mean. If you actually want to work part time going forward, just set a date and pull the trigger on it. In my mind you are simply changing job and actually working when it isn't financially necessary and she will just need to adjust her expectations.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I'm on your side, but.... It doesn't sound to me like the OP's DW is that concerned about finances (health care is a benefit for keeping working but I'm not getting that even that is a real concern). Maybe she thinks OP will not like the retirement life? As if , but I do know several people who hate it and miss the structure and perks of their former occupations. Does she know how awful the past five months have been? If you've enjoyed your job until then, maybe she thinks it's a temporary thing? Did you always plan on retiring in your early 40s or had you both expected it to be later, like when the kids are in college, or whatever? I can see why she might not think this is a thought-out decision, if so.

But it's your life and you definitely need to do what you need to do (and you certainly can, with your expenses well covered!). I'd first lay out the financials plus the practicalities as suggested above by other posters and discuss any concrete concerns, then I'd retire asap. Maybe present it as a sabbatical, from a temporary one to open-ended to permanent. Many people here do actually continue to earn money when opportunities come up that interest them (I believe Brewer is one), and I imagine you will be approached for these too. It doesn't have to be written in stone. And maybe your DW would choose to work more hours herself. Together you could generate enough income for health care, for example.

Personally I couldn't wait for DH to retire, a few years after I did. It's been the best eight years plus fifty-one weeks I could have imagined; we both have many shared and individual interests and like being with each other. I hope it works out for you too.

 

[Big_Hitter]

Screw her. She can get a soul killing job if it is so important for someone in the house to get one.

OP, if you take this route let me know how that works out for ya

i'm on indefinite OMY myself

 

[ikubak]

I welcome any thoughts as on how to best educate her about FIRE and to get on the same page.

Ty

Tell her SHE can work full-time if she wants the health benefits that come with full-time employment. When she looks at you like you are crazy, tell her that's how YOU feel about continuing to work full-time.

 

[Chuckanut]

Your reward is getting out of a job that is burning you out and killing your soul

What is your wife's reward? There is something she must want (for the both of you is best) that she can't get while you are working. Right?

 

[woodguy00]

OP,

Be very careful here. As some have suggested, this could be very expensive. Losing 50% of assets would be a great outcome in many states. More likely would be 50% PLUS spousal support that will keep you working until 'normal' retirement age at perhaps 60% of your current earnings. Some states would simply make that a permanent payment. You need to have her maintain her current standard of living, don'tcha know.

 

[Sojourner]

Tell her SHE can work full-time if she wants the health benefits that come with full-time employment. When she looks at you like you are crazy, tell her that's how YOU feel about continuing to work full-time.

+1

 

[Brat]

There is another potential issue no one has mentioned: territory. Sometimes when a husband retires he needs to find a role at home. Currently the wife is in charge of that domain. Personally I love the fact that my husband goes to DS/DL business weekdays to help out for about 5 hours. They appreciate his help and I appreciate having the home to myself for half the day.

Perhaps the OP should find a low demand job/activity as a transition to retirement. I agree he has earned the right to retire financially so find something he wants to do for a year or two - maybe something with health insurance. Just tell the wife that he has accepted another position. End of story.

 

[ivinsfan]

OP,

Be very careful here. As some have suggested, this could be very expensive. Losing 50% of assets would be a great outcome in many states. More likely would be 50% PLUS spousal support that will keep you working until 'normal' retirement age at perhaps 60% of your current earnings. Some states would simply make that a permanent payment. You need to have her maintain her current standard of living, don'tcha know.

Wow some of you guys jumped to the worst possible conclusion. If your spouse wants out it wouldn't really matter if you kept working or retired,they would just find another reason. I don't think telling the OP to keep his nose to the grindstone for fear of being divorced makes any sense. ...Worse case scenario.... if your spouse just sees you as a paycheck the sooner you find that out the better off you will be in the long run.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

Wow some of you guys jumped to the worst possible conclusion. If your spouse wants out it wouldn't really matter if you kept working or retired,they would just find another reason. I don't think telling the OP to keep his nose to the grindstone for fear of being divorced makes any sense. ...Worse case scenario.... if your spouse just sees you as a paycheck the sooner you find that out the better off you will be in the long run.

I always look at the worse case scenario. Thats why I worked 5 extra years.

 

[Mdlerth]

Find some pretext to get yourself laid off. Today. That way it won't look like your fault...

...Just kidding! I don't ever actually recommend deception; in the long run honesty is much less work.

Seriously, you and DW need to become MORE honest with each other because apparently neither one fully comprehends where the other is coming from. DW "smiling" when you bring up the subject of backing off suggests she doesn't believe you mean it; and you seeming mystified by her reluctance indicates she hasn't offered a compelling case for it - or at least if she has, you don't know what it is.

Maybe she hasn't fully grasped the solidity of your finances. Maybe she is secretly thinking about stepping up to a plusher lifestyle. Maybe she fears that retiring too early would set an example of a poor work ethic to the nestlings. Maybe the concept of early retirement is simply too foreign to register in her brain (my late MIL would have had this difficulty). Who knows what her reasons are? Apparently, not you! So you two lovebirds definitely need to talk this through, and then talk it through again, and again, and a hundred times until you reach mutual understanding. You may find that once you accurately see why she isn't on board, you'll think she's right!

I'll have to disagree with some of the other responders who seem a bit trigger-happy with proposing divorce. No doubt they have their own valid experiences influencing their viewpoint, but it isn't clear how adding an extra heartache on top of the employment-derived one is going to be helpful. And in any case, it's WAY premature to exercise the nuclear option. Five bad months at w*rk? That's a long time to sit on a stove, but that's not even a OMY situation. Hardly a case for sundering a marriage. Better to just get a different j*b that doesn't $uck.

Anyhow, yours is an interesting story. I can't wait to read the next installment! May you live long and prosper.

 

[Nemo2]

I appreciate having the home to myself for half the day.

Perhaps it's because DW & I are virtual 'newlyweds', we've only been together for 14 years, but neither of us really want to be somewhere the other isn't.

We're not in each other's faces all the time, although there is often an ongoing dialogue, it's just our personal preference.

 

[woodguy00]

Wow some of you guys jumped to the worst possible conclusion. If your spouse wants out it wouldn't really matter if you kept working or retired,they would just find another reason. I don't think telling the OP to keep his nose to the grindstone for fear of being divorced makes any sense. ...Worse case scenario.... if your spouse just sees you as a paycheck the sooner you find that out the better off you will be in the long run.

Not suggesting he keep working just for fear of divorce. Just saying to be careful on how he approaches this. The worst case is really, really bad. He hopefully will be able to help her understand what he wants to do.

 

[dvalley]

I agree with others, you've worked hard so you should be able to reap the rewards. If this somehow causes your wife to consider a divorce (hey anything is possible) do make sure you consult with an attorney before you turn in your resignation because leaving a job voluntarily vs. getting fired (and not being able to seek employment) are two very different things to the courts. It's imperative you understand your options.

Of course, the hope would be that she cares and loves you enough to see what YOU need and deserve. Goodluck!

 

[Meadbh]

Find some pretext to get yourself laid off. Today. That way it won't look like your fault...

...Just kidding! I don't ever actually recommend deception; in the long run honesty is much less work.

Seriously, you and DW need to become MORE honest with each other because apparently neither one fully comprehends where the other is coming from. DW "smiling" when you bring up the subject of backing off suggests she doesn't believe you mean it; and you seeming mystified by her reluctance indicates she hasn't offered a compelling case for it - or at least if she has, you don't know what it is.

Maybe she hasn't fully grasped the solidity of your finances. Maybe she is secretly thinking about stepping up to a plusher lifestyle. Maybe she fears that retiring too early would set an example of a poor work ethic to the nestlings. Maybe the concept of early retirement is simply too foreign to register in her brain (my late MIL would have had this difficulty). Who knows what her reasons are? Apparently, not you! So you two lovebirds definitely need to talk this through, and then talk it through again, and again, and a hundred times until you reach mutual understanding. You may find that once you accurately see why she isn't on board, you'll think she's right!

I'll have to disagree with some of the other responders who seem a bit trigger-happy with proposing divorce. No doubt they have their own valid experiences influencing their viewpoint, but it isn't clear how adding an extra heartache on top of the employment-derived one is going to be helpful. And in any case, it's WAY premature to exercise the nuclear option. Five bad months at w*rk? That's a long time to sit on a stove, but that's not even a OMY situation. Hardly a case for sundering a marriage. Better to just get a different j*b that doesn't $uck.

Anyhow, yours is an interesting story. I can't wait to read the next installment! May you live long and prosper.

+1

 

[fleefromhome]

I have a somewhat similar situation, however, my DH and I both work and have similar income. We are able to retire with 90% confidence. Maybe a few more years would push that up to 99%. I want retirement for my DH - to remove his stress and better his life. I want retirement for myself for the same reasons.

However, my DH avoids this discussion time and time again. I try go through a discussion process with him, he doesn't want to talk about it but sees my frustration and has allowed us to go through it. Yet, in the end, he doesn't think we should retire. We are very different. I truly do not know all the reasons why he resists retiring early or maybe I am just not listening properly because I want it. He is tired of me trying to talk more about it.

He is 4 years older than me and may get laid off next year. He is okay with retiring when/if that happens. But not exactly okay with me retiring. Feel a bit stuck. These are big decisions in a marriage and I want us to agree.

 

[googily]

There is another potential issue no one has mentioned: territory. Sometimes when a husband retires he needs to find a role at home. Currently the wife is in charge of that domain. Personally I love the fact that my husband goes to DS/DL business weekdays to help out for about 5 hours. They appreciate his help and I appreciate having the home to myself for half the day.

Perhaps the OP should find a low demand job/activity as a transition to retirement. I agree he has earned the right to retire financially so find something he wants to do for a year or two - maybe something with health insurance. Just tell the wife that he has accepted another position. End of story.

When my father retired at 59, it took my mother a *long* time to get over this. She felt like he was watching her when she'd come in the door with her bags from shopping (and he probably was!). "I married you for better or for worse, but not for lunch," she used to say.

Though she ended up being the one to really take matters into her own hands--she took up golf, and became completely obsessed with it. And he had his own obsessions, so basically they did their own thing most days until late afternoon.

 

[brewer12345]

Your reward is getting out of a job that is burning you out and killing your soul

What is your wife's reward? There is something she must want (for the both of you is best) that she can't get while you are working. Right?

Seems to me she already got the reward. She has not had to work.

Op should just quit. What is she going to do? Pimp him out?

 

[ivinsfan]

Seems to me she already got the reward. She has not had to work.

Op should just quit. What is she going to do? Pimp him out?

Not had to work, it's never that simple..They have a child to raise, if the OP has a long hours demanding job most likely the spouse had shouldered most if not all of the everyday life needs..in addition she does work one day a week and makes a decent hourly wage.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

When my father retired at 59, it took my mother a *long* time to get over this. She felt like he was watching her when she'd come in the door with her bags from shopping (and he probably was!). "I married you for better or for worse, but not for lunch," she used to say.

Though she ended up being the one to really take matters into her own hands--she took up golf, and became completely obsessed with it. And he had his own obsessions, so basically they did their own thing most days until late afternoon.

My mother would have given her left arm(she is a lefty) to see my Father retire. He worked like a dog 7 days a week and died at 57.

 

[ivinsfan]

I have a somewhat similar situation, however, my DH and I both work and have similar income. We are able to retire with 90% confidence. Maybe a few more years would push that up to 99%. I want retirement for my DH - to remove his stress and better his life. I want retirement for myself for the same reasons.

However, my DH avoids this discussion time and time again. I try go through a discussion process with him, he doesn't want to talk about it but sees my frustration and has allowed us to go through it. Yet, in the end, he doesn't think we should retire. We are very different. I truly do not know all the reasons why he resists retiring early or maybe I am just not listening properly because I want it. He is tired of me trying to talk more about it.

He is 4 years older than me and may get laid off next year. He is okay with retiring when/if that happens. But not exactly okay with me retiring. Feel a bit stuck. These are big decisions in a marriage and I want us to agree.

If he wants to work he wants to work, nothing you can do about it. You can however, leave your own job and start a retirement life. That's the boat I was in and in fact your DH's job will shape your retirement no matter what. You're not really free to do all the things you had imagined you would do in retirement. My advice would pull the plug and investigate some solo retirement hobbies while you wait for him to join you. You won't agree on this point..sometimes this need to work thing can't really be overcome. I suspect my DH will continue to farm until he is physically unable to continue, which I am slowly coming to grips with. If we didn't have our winters free it would be a much bigger problem for me.

 

[ER Eddie]

This is why I recommend against wives.

 

[Senator]

Unfortunately, half is not written in stone. As others on the board sometimes mention, there are real benefits to being single.

For me, the single life is much more efficient. Healthcare for the DGF is free. Real estate transactions between me and the DGF are arms length.

Marriage is the thing of the past.