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A Live-in companion
Old 04-29-2017, 09:01 AM   #1
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A Live-in companion

A difficult discussion to have, without getting in to misunderstandings and getting off-track to the concept. This will require some open minded thinking.

Basically, how to look for a symbiotic relationship of a person who needs some type of ongoing care.. with a person who would benefit from supplementing their limited income in turn for giving companionship and help.

Some problems along the way:
1. Legal
Probably the most difficult. Certainly, any system of giving personal care without the strict legal requirements of law, eliminates any possibility of making this work.
2. Opening minds to the positive possibilities that this could offer to society and the mental well being of families.
3. Establishing a means of bringing together those of like minds.

The positive:
This has worked and can work.
.................................................. .................................................. ......
A recap of a real life situation that worked with an aging lady of 83yrs, who lived across the street from me for 5 years. She needed help with dressing, bathing, medication, going out for social interaction, and buying and making meals. She was reasonably well off, and had children in their late 50's and60's who lived in the area, but who were very involved in public service... selectman and school board chairlady.
The companion was a 60 year old lady who had lost her husband, had no nearby relatives, and had very few assets, and had lived in a poor walk-up flat in Chicago. No car... in effect a sad life.
By moving in, she had access to a car, a perfect modern home in a nice neighborhood, a small allowance, free room and board, and a chance to fit in with the local community.
When my aging neighbor passed away four years ago, Donna (the companion) had many offers to continue with the companion position. Meeting her by chance, a few weeks ago, she thanked me for my recommendation, and said she was very happy with her life.
.................................................. ............................................

You and I can name a hundred reasons why this would not work. A still small voice tells me that it is possible.

.................................................. ............................................
My next door neighbor lives in a house like mine. New, designed for seniors, 1600 s.f. She is 85, and can still get around... with help...
That means her son 62 and his wife 65, come from 25 miles away three times a week, to put out the trash, take her to the market for food etc., and just to make sure she is okay. If they weren't here to do this, it would likely mean a nursing home, as assisted living might be a marginal choice. A companion would bring the added benefit of social interaction, since she is very lonely.

.................................................. ...........................................
There's the rub... As far as they or I can see, there is no way to connect my neighbor with someone who could benefit by being a companion. Myriads of online dating services. Yes... possible connection places like Craig's List, but nothing that is "safe". Community services , whether government, religious, or non-governmental social services cannot risk their status by providing vetted services, and... our local (National) home aid services come in at $22/hour for a three hour visit. (24/7 service comes in @ $193,000/yr.

.................................................. ............................................
Pollyanna... yes. With an aging population, someone, somewhere has to come in with at least a partial solution. Many reasons why not... We need a start on some steps to easing the pain.
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Old 04-29-2017, 11:49 AM   #2
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I think what you describe is being done on an informal basis. There appears to be resources that address what you are talking about https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/...er.html#title4 but they refer you to home health agencies for assistance. The job/employment sites have many listings for elder companion/care, both full & part time; however, care would be needed in doing background check and actually selecting someone that you would be comfortable with.

For a positive, I came across this site that matches up volunteers with elders: Elder Helpers: volunteer companions and caregivers are ready to help. A good volunteer opportunity for those in early retirement
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Old 04-29-2017, 12:20 PM   #3
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This situation was a common trope in Victorian novels. The companion was usually a young, lovely woman whose father had died and left the family nothing. The aged person was usually a demanding old termagant, who didn't want the young person to have any friends and certainly not a gentleman caller.

Edit: I bring this up because the need for "companions" has been recognized since olden times. As exaggerated in the Victorian stories, any issues mostly seem to be with the power balance. The problem is that if a person is so lonely that he or she needs to hire someone to be around them, they may not be good at having relationships where both parties are "equal." (i.e. friends). There is usually some power imbalance. Either the aged person wants to hold sway over the companion, or the companion tries to dominate or manipulate the aged person.

I believe this needs to be addressed before there can be successful "companion" relationships where one side or the other is not living in resentment.
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:06 PM   #4
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We had a program that matched people who had home with people who needed homes. My great aunt got a 18 year old girl roommate when she was about 80. The young woman got free rent for not really anything. My neighbor got a middle aged women who got free rent for picking up dog poop from 6 large dogs.
I knew a college student young woman who lived with an elderly man. His nephew didn't want him to be alone. She got free rent for simply being home once a day, no cooking or housework required or personal care. She did cook and things because she wanted to and like the old guy but it was a perfect college housing situation for her, she could work, date and go to college.
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:12 PM   #5
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People of means, and worldly view do this often, sponsor / import a person from a poor country and use them as a house servant, with long hours and maybe 1 day off per week or not even that.

Perhaps in 10 years we can rent robots for this job.
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:24 PM   #6
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Yes... possible connection places like Craig's List, but nothing that is "safe". Community services , whether government, religious, or non-governmental social services cannot risk their status by providing vetted services, and... our local (National) home aid services come in at $22/hour for a three hour visit. (24/7 service comes in @ $193,000/yr.

.................................................. ............................................
Pollyanna... yes. With an aging population, someone, somewhere has to come in with at least a partial solution. Many reasons why not... We need a start on some steps to easing the pain.
The services have a different rate for 24/7 care. I pay $169 a day for an 82 year old uncle who is bed ridden. He has two care givers who split the shifts, and they sleep in the second bedroom, but do not live with him.
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:26 PM   #7
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This topic sounds familiar. http://www.early-retirement.org/foru...are-83032.html

Unfortunately, seniors needing care are easy targets for predators, fraudsters, tricksters and other unsavory elements of our society. Also unscrupulous family members. Their safety and security needs to be front and center of any discussion about how best to help them.
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:57 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Amethyst View Post
This situation was a common trope in Victorian novels. The companion was usually a young, lovely woman whose father had died and left the family nothing. The aged person was usually a demanding old termagant, who didn't want the young person to have any friends and certainly not a gentleman caller.

Edit: I bring this up because the need for "companions" has been recognized since olden times. As exaggerated in the Victorian stories, any issues mostly seem to be with the power balance. The problem is that if a person is so lonely that he or she needs to hire someone to be around them, they may not be good at having relationships where both parties are "equal." (i.e. friends). There is usually some power imbalance. Either the aged person wants to hold sway over the companion, or the companion tries to dominate or manipulate the aged person.

I believe this needs to be addressed before there can be successful "companion" relationships where one side or the other is not living in resentment.

Yes! that is an excellent further refinement of the reality of "live in companion"... not a volunteer, not an organization, not a person to be "hired" in the ordinary sense of the word. A very difficult path to travel, but at some point, there can be a solution.

Certainly matching kindred spirits is not easy, but this would have to be a big concern to make it work. While a temporary roommate or volunteer helper is a good interim solution, success over a long term, with a live-in longer term arrangement provides not only the safety or physical health security, but... equally important, an emotional and mental health base.

Those of us who have spent longer periods of time in a nursing home learn that the bedridden patients who spend their time staring or sleeping, have feelings, and are not always dying skeletons. The same persons, in their own homes, with friendship and interaction can live out their days, happier, and more alert, with much less pressure on the eldercare community as well as costing less... both for the individual, and the federal and local economies.

I don't know how this could be made to happen, but think that first, it would have to be defined as a concept, and introduced through a wide ranging educational process. Getting over the hump of thinking in terms of "volunteerism" or government provided services would have to be the first hurdle to cross, as we are inculcated with these processes, as solutions for ageism.
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Old 04-29-2017, 02:05 PM   #9
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This topic sounds familiar. http://www.early-retirement.org/foru...are-83032.html

Unfortunately, seniors needing care are easy targets for predators, fraudsters, tricksters and other unsavory elements of our society. Also unscrupulous family members. Their safety and security needs to be front and center of any discussion about how best to help them.
Perfect evidence of my early/late onset AZ.

Gotta give this a rest.....
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Old 04-29-2017, 02:15 PM   #10
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Perfect evidence of my early/late onset AZ.
Not really. Forgetfulness is normal.
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Old 04-29-2017, 02:17 PM   #11
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Forgetfulness is normal.
That is so hard for me to remember...
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Old 04-29-2017, 02:17 PM   #12
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Unfortunately, seniors needing care are easy targets for predators, fraudsters, tricksters and other unsavory elements of our society. Also unscrupulous family members. Their safety and security needs to be front and center of any discussion about how best to help them.
Exactly. I saw many instances of this happening when I was working in the Fraud Section. Lots of it was especially sad because the thief was a very often a relative or long-time family friend and for whatever reason was joint on the account so legally there was nothing I could do about it.

I read an article a while back that said that most thefts of money from older people are in fact relatives so that jibes with my experience.
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Old 04-29-2017, 02:23 PM   #13
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That thread was almost a year ago, and I didn't see it then.

So I have no problem with it being raised again. Maybe somebody has some new ideas or has heard of some new business starting up.

I'm of the strong view that as we age, we must try ever harder to be nice to be around. Otherwise, even paid companions will want nothing to do with us.
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Old 04-29-2017, 03:31 PM   #14
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In my area there are residences called 'adult foster care'. A frail or elderly resident typically has their own room and they dine as a family. Personal and much less expensive than assisted living.
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Old 04-29-2017, 04:21 PM   #15
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The lady 3 houses up from me did something similar. She was 85, maybe pushing 90, and had some terminal health issues. Needed a good bit of help maintaining her 1800+ square foot house and .3 acre corner lot. Plus caring for her 7 or so dogs (some little bratty breed - can't recall specifics). A guy in the neighborhood, probably 40 or 50, was her "helper". He took care of the house and yard, took the trash to the curb, probably drove her on errands, grocery shopping, etc. I don't know if she had a ton of money (probably small savings, SS plus a paid off house like tons of middle and lower middle class retirees).

She bequeathed her house to her helper (est. value probably $150,000 or so a few years ago). I don't know their arrangement and whether it was explicitly quid pro quo (take care of her during her last years in exchange for inheriting her house and modest financial assets) or whether he was just a really nice guy and she was a really nice lady who rewarded this guy's helpfulness. I think she had adult child(ren) in California (2000+ miles from North Carolina) but they didn't move back home to take care of Mom for whatever reason.

This arrangement probably worked better for her than selling her home of decades and moving to assisted living or a nursing home. Depending on exactly how much $$$ she had, she might not have been able to afford the assisted living or nursing home for very long. And she had 7 dogs (she was into rescue animals) which probably wouldn't have been an option in assisted living / nursing home. So she was able to maximize her spending capacity while alive, live in a beautiful, spacious house on a hill, stay with her 7 dogs, and have plenty of routine help around the house.

My mom was a helper to a lady across the street while I was growing up. I think she made $10-12/hr (probably 25 years ago) providing adult babysitting for a lady with Alzheimer's.

Seems like these arrangements are pretty common, and it's what people do who don't have a ton of money do in old age.
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Old 04-29-2017, 04:31 PM   #16
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T
She bequeathed her house to her helper (est. value probably $150,000 or so a few years ago).
That happened to a guy I worked with. All he did was mow the lawn (1/4 acre lot) in the summer and she'd later bring over a tin of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies to the nice young lad next door.

When she passed and he got a call from her attorney he thought maybe she had left him the lawn mower. Nope, it was the house and everything in it. Turned out she had no other living relatives and probably didn't know what else to do with it. That house is in a HCOL area and the rent on it is probably more than his pension.
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Old 04-29-2017, 05:16 PM   #17
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That happened to a guy I worked with. All he did was mow the lawn (1/4 acre lot) in the summer and she'd later bring over a tin of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies to the nice young lad next door.

When she passed and he got a call from her attorney he thought maybe she had left him the lawn mower. Nope, it was the house and everything in it. Turned out she had no other living relatives and probably didn't know what else to do with it. That house is in a HCOL area and the rent on it is probably more than his pension.
Maybe I should start mowing the lawns of random old people without surviving family living nearby. I could even outsource it. $500/summer to hire a crew to mow their lawns. Average life span of an octogenarian can't be over 5 years. All in, $2500 per old person. If just 1 in 10 left me their house then I'd make 400-800% return on investment. AND I'd be helping the community in the process.

I am planning on assembling bookshelves for my 70-something single lady neighbor on Monday, however she has multiple kids in the area that routinely help her so I doubt I'll be first in line to receive her house. The best I can hope for is an honorable mention on the contingent beneficiary portion of her will.
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Old 04-29-2017, 09:55 PM   #18
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That happened to a guy I worked with. All he did was mow the lawn (1/4 acre lot) in the summer and she'd later bring over a tin of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies to the nice young lad next door.

When she passed and he got a call from her attorney he thought maybe she had left him the lawn mower. Nope, it was the house and everything in it. Turned out she had no other living relatives and probably didn't know what else to do with it. That house is in a HCOL area and the rent on it is probably more than his pension.
My sister knew a lady who inherited a house from an ex-boyfriend, he died with no kids but his parents said it was ok to leave to his ex-girlfriend. Her kids are all well to do, they don't need the money. But it was nice money, nearly a million dollar.
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Old 04-30-2017, 12:50 AM   #19
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My coworker grew up next door to an old woman. Her mom would send her over with a plate of food every day. As the girl became a teen she would stop to ask if she needed anything when she went shopping and tell her about her dates, get her mail for her. When the girl was a CPA and married the old woman left her and her husband the house. That way should could live next to her parents. The woman had a son who showed up once a year but lived local, never did anything for her.
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Old 04-30-2017, 01:03 AM   #20
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Some universities here coordinate elders with spare room with students who work a defined amount of time in return for the room.
There is also an international org http://homeshare.org/
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