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Old 03-17-2014, 12:14 PM   #41
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If it helps, Dad's full care facility (in Denver) is charging $220/day for a semi-private room. (They raised the fee from $210/day to $220/day in 2013.)
Similar to Dad's care costs. In today's dollars, I'd just budget $250 per day. That might get you a private room in some locations.
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Old 03-17-2014, 02:27 PM   #42
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FWIW, I was paying $180/day in southern Ohio in 2012. Private room, pretty nice facility.
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Old 03-17-2014, 02:32 PM   #43
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FWIW, I was paying $180/day in southern Ohio in 2012. Private room, pretty nice facility.
Yes. Costs vary significantly based on location and provider, but especially location.
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Old 03-18-2014, 01:45 PM   #44
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When I was checking into this for my dad, I found a county breakdown for the state he lived in. Don't remember where, other then it was on that state's website, probably something to do with elder care.
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Old 05-14-2014, 08:48 AM   #45
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I'm writing this post at my in-laws kitchen table. We are waiting to hear from Hosparus about getting my MIL a chest x-ray so that she can be admitted to and assisted living facility. She was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia about two months ago and doctor said she had one, maybe two years to live at best.

DW and I came back home from Mexico ten days ago to attend our sons college graduation commencement. We were only planning on staying five days for the event and to visit family and friends. Upon arrival it was evident that FIL had been lying to us about her condition and how they were doing. MIL was only able to get around using a walker with him right behind to prevent her from falling. Monday morning she fell on the way to the kitchen and thankfully was not hurt. Since then has lost all use of her legs and has been confined to bed. We had Hosparus come out and do an evaluation and they accepted her into the program. They have been wonderful providing a wheelchair, potty chair and bedside table. We knew she was having memory and mobility issues over two years ago and tried to get her the proper care but FIL was in denial and fought us every step of the way. FIL is now 80 and MIL is 79. FIL has diabetes, macular degeneration and degenerative joint disease in hips and knees. His mental faculties are fairly good but it obvious that he is having issues now as well by the abundance of notes stuck to every surface reminding him of all manner of day to day info. He was adamant that they could care for themselves and would not consider either one or both of them moving to assisted living. He was wrong as the house is absolutely filthy from one end to the other and ants in kitchens and bathrooms. Financial records are spread around various rooms in the house. Junk mail, newspapers, magazines and all manner of other assorted papers stacked all over the place.

After the fall and loss of mobility, it was a real struggle getting MIL from bed to bathroom several times a day. FIL finally admits action is needed and agrees it is time for her to go to some type of facility but he's still fine taking care of himself. Right. We call Hosparus in. They quickly provide the potty chair, bedside table and wheelchair. FIL now says no to moving her and that he will now be able to care for her on his own. DW and I elect the tough love option and refuse to assist him. Within 24 hours he gives up and again agrees to admit her to a facility. MIL then states she will not go unless he goes too. FIL argues with her and us but finally relents as MIL guilts him into acceptance.

We have a very nice progressive care facility lined up and her evaluation shows she needs to be in a skilled care unit. We tried to get FIL to move into a 1 BR assisted living unit on the next floor up so that he would have more space and be more comfortable but he says they will share a 2 bed skilled care unit. It's not the ideal situation for him but our primary concern right now is the safety and well-being of MIL. We have packed her things and suggested he get some things packed too. He refused saying that he will be back and forth between the facility and their home and he'll get his stuff together later. We fully expect that he will backtrack as soon as we leave town and he will visit MIL but actually spend little time there himself.

DW is distraught but has resigned herself to the fact that we must care for her mother first and deal with him later. We will probably end up having to go the adult protective order route with him at some point in the very near future.

They are fortunate that they did do a good job of providing for their retirement and have a net worth of $1.2 million. Skilled care for her will run $82k per year but we doubt she will last more than a year given her rapid decline. The facility is working up a reduced rate for him sharing a skilled care unit with her. Even if it ends up being $130k per year they will still be fine financially. They also own their home free and clear which should bring $140k if it were in decent shape but who knows in it's present condition.

This has been a valuable learning experience for DW and I as we have vowed to do our best to avoid putting our children through such an ordeal. We have decided to each write ourselves a letter documenting what we have been through and promising not to do the same. We will give these letters to our children and tell them to put them in front of us when our time comes.

My sympathies to all of you and your loved ones who are dealing with similar situations.
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Old 05-14-2014, 09:32 AM   #46
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I'm writing this post at my in-laws kitchen table. .............
.............
My sympathies to all of you and your loved ones who are dealing with similar situations.
Thank you for taking the time to share this. As DW and I near this age, we are evermore aware of the realities. We know it is coming, and try to prepare as best we can for the probability of long term care, and eventual passing from the scene. The details of the in between time... that you have so well described, is the part of life that most people have trouble facing. Unfortunately, at this time of life... the weight of worry and care is vested on the children and the family, who are facing the saddest part of later years.

You and your DW are doing a magnificent job in dealing with this reality. I commend your wisdom in drawing back to the overview of what can be done, and seeing the paths to your parents' care and financial situation. At our age, we have too often seen a drawback from the situation on the part of the children. This almost always works to the disadvantage of the rest of the family, and the parents... both psychologically and financially. Too often the elderly suffer uncecessarily because no one has stepped up to help them in their decisions.

So yes, we hope that as we become more restricted in our options, that we'll be able to count on our children to help. The interim period between leaving the homestead, disposing of the bills, belongings and ties to an active society... and entering senior care... is likely to be the most traumatic part of the children caregivers' lives, but it is finite.

Again, thank you for sharing your story, great respect for your efforts and best wishes for a good outcome.
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Old 05-14-2014, 10:54 AM   #47
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Btravlin: Thanks for the post and being there for your parents. These are tough decisions and rarely are they easy or does the decision feel all that good once made. We've dealt with hospice and parents and have cared for MIL in our home for many years but could no longer do it. As I ponder our late years my hope is that finances will not be an issue but that our children will help guide us and protect us from ourselves. One thing I do know, we will not become a full time presence in their home or hopefully for that matter, their lives.

In the end you have to do what you believe is right; the trick is to not sacrifice your own (and your spouse's) well being in the process. Best of luck.
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Old 05-14-2014, 11:02 AM   #48
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DW is distraught but has resigned herself to the fact that we must care for her mother first and deal with him later. We will probably end up having to go the adult protective order route with him at some point in the very near future.
A tough situation, which you seem to be handling well so far. Both your in-laws need help, and so do you. So far, with the skilled care facility you have a good option for the MIL. Because you don't live close by you might find it useful to establish a relationship with someone there so you can get status updates by phone.

The municipality or county where they live may have some senior / social services that can be a great ally. Perhaps you can arrange with them for a visiting nurse or social worker to stop by once a week. They can check the FIL home for hygiene and make sure he is eating and taking any prescription meds.

Another thing you might find useful, especially if you think he may need care, is a professional assessment by an agency that provides skilled nursing care. They will send a trained nurse to interview the FIL and inspect the house, then provide you with an analysis and risk assessment of how feasible it is for him to remain alone. This can help when dealing with the FIL, other relatives, and also give you an idea of what you can do to help him. It is also a good starting point if remaining at home is too risky.

A long hard road ahead, it helps to have allies. Good luck with this.

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This has been a valuable learning experience for DW and I as we have vowed to do our best to avoid putting our children through such an ordeal. We have decided to each write ourselves a letter documenting what we have been through and promising not to do the same. We will give these letters to our children and tell them to put them in front of us when our time comes.
I took a workshop for caregivers, and this was the most common discussion topic during coffee breaks.

I decided to involve my children is some of the activity, discussion and decision making related to caring for an aunt and then my mother. It was an opportunity to teach them how to help us if the need arises, but also my way of communicating with them, showing what I don't want them to have to do with us, and how (hopefully) how to draw boundaries and place limits. Now's the time to do that...
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Old 05-14-2014, 11:46 AM   #49
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Btravlin - I can relate to your post. We were in a similar position - one parent was in crisis, the other was close to crisis. In our case it was my FIL who was in crisis and neede to go to a facility, and MIL was having issues - but was not an emergency. She fought us every step.
FIL has since passed. And now MIL is reaching crisis point so we'll be forcing the issue of a nursing home in the near future. We've already been through the legal process (my husband received legal guardianship for both.... quite a legal process.)

I love the idea of writing letters to yourself to be used by your children in the future. I will be using that idea.
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Old 05-14-2014, 11:49 AM   #50
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Really helpful thread.

I recently told DH if/when our kids suggest we need assisted living, we will do it. He said, good idea, unless we don't. Ummm....
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Old 05-14-2014, 11:55 AM   #51
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Btravlin: Thanks for the post and being there for your parents.
+1. A post like that is an eye opener for someone (me, e.g) who hasn't gone through it.
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Old 05-14-2014, 01:03 PM   #52
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Really helpful thread.

I recently told DH if/when our kids suggest we need assisted living, we will do it. He said, good idea, unless we don't. Ummm....

I have to agree with your husband, Bestwife... And unfortunately I will be like BTravlin's FIL. I can see myself fighting to the end to stay out of one of those places.


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Old 05-14-2014, 01:22 PM   #53
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After my father passed away my mother lived by herself for a couple of years and then checked herself into an independent care facility. Best gift she could have given her kids - we never worried. I tell people I meet about what she did and that it saved so many sleepless nights.
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Old 05-14-2014, 01:59 PM   #54
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Good friends of mine have parents in the denial stage of things right now. 90+94 and really need to be in assisted living but refuse to do so. I have gently made the recommendation that they should start really pushing to try and get them into assisted living. None of the 3 kids (50's+60's now) will try to do this, but it is becoming a real issue with them (the people taking care of them...the 3 plus families) at this time. I won't stick my nose in further, but I think both sides are trying to avoid what needs to be done. It is a bugger of a position to be in for both sides.
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Old 05-14-2014, 03:00 PM   #55
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This thread is making me think about the cost of assisted living for my parents. If I were to justify my on-going OMY syndrome, this would be it. I need to pad my RE fund to make room for my parents assisted living cost.
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Old 05-14-2014, 03:21 PM   #56
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This thread is making me think about the cost of assisted living for my parents. If I were to justify my on-going OMY syndrome, this would be it. I need to pad my RE fund to make room for my parents assisted living cost.
Yes, something the kids will think about before they tell us it's time. In their case, $$ for our ltc will diminish any inheritance, so that's another more indirect reason they would not suggest it until they think it is really necessary.
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Old 05-14-2014, 03:29 PM   #57
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Yes, something the kids will think about before they tell us it's time. In their case, $$ for our ltc will diminish any inheritance, so that's another more indirect reason they would not suggest it until they think it is really necessary.
That'd be sad if one's children are thinking that way.

There's a saying, paraphrasing, rich parents tend to have filial children .
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Old 05-14-2014, 03:46 PM   #58
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I have an uncle in his late 80's who has had Alzheimers since the early 2000's - splendid physical constitution kept him alive long after his mind was gone. He and my aunt, who has all her marbles, are in a CCRF, which fortunately, she loves (their kids helped her sell their home to finance it). But what if she hated it, as both Mr. A. and I would? It sounds like the healthy spouse could have to sentence themselves to spending their final decent years in the hated CCRF environment. Has anyone seen this occur?

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Good friends of mine have parents in the denial stage of things right now. 90+94 and really need to be in assisted living but refuse to do so. I have gently made the recommendation that they should start really pushing to try and get them into assisted living. None of the 3 kids (50's+60's now) will try to do this, but it is becoming a real issue with them (the people taking care of them...the 3 plus families) at this time. I won't stick my nose in further, but I think both sides are trying to avoid what needs to be done. It is a bugger of a position to be in for both sides.
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Old 05-14-2014, 03:53 PM   #59
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That'd be sad if one's children are thinking that way.

There's a saying, paraphrasing, rich parents tend to have filial children .
Actually our kids would not be thinking that, it would be in dh's mind that he would want to leave more to the kids vs to a nursing home.
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Old 05-14-2014, 04:25 PM   #60
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But what if she hated it, as both Mr. A. and I would? It sounds like the healthy spouse could have to sentence themselves to spending their final decent years in the hated CCRF environment. Has anyone seen this occur?
If one of the spouses is capable of living independently, they both might remain at home with the support of in-home health care aides. They can help with ADLs and improvements can be made to most homes to accommodate this type of need.
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