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Old 05-31-2011, 04:52 PM   #21
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The person who helped us most was the in-house social worker who acted as mom's advocate. She would meet with the family and constantly express our mom's wishes. This took a tremendous amount of pressure off of mom as well as the rest of us. Although we all agreed to support mom, there were issues about when and how it would be done. The social worker met with us as a group and individually to talk things through. In the end, mom went peacefully, after saying goodbye to all of us.

Does the nursing home have an in-house social worker? When the time comes, he/she could act as your mom's advocate. That way, you will not be seen as the "bad guy" who made the decision but the whole family will have to recognize that it was your mom's choice and you were honoring it.
Good thought. When my Mom was heading into her end of days we were late getting in touch with Hospice. My gal was more proactive for her Mom. They were fantastic. Very highly recommended, sooner rather than later - the more you know....
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Old 06-01-2011, 07:30 PM   #22
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I am sorry to hear about your mother's condition.

My mother recently passed away at 93 and was in Hospice for about 9 months. She had a pacemaker put in about 3 months earlier and we were hopeful that would solve her problem and improve the quality of her life, however, there was no improvement.

She did not have a particular disease, but hospice accepted her due to her declining state of health and age. She was able to stay in her ALF where she eventually passed away because of the help of hospice.

My sister's mother-in-law was in hospice for 3 or 4 years before she passed away about 2 weeks before my mother.

Hospice is there to make the final days as comfortable as possible for the patient.
I think they did a great job with my mother and I take comfort in making the decision to put her into the hospice program so that she was as comfortable as possible in her final months.

I wish you the best in your decision making process. I know that the hospice decision is not an easy one.
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Old 06-01-2011, 08:09 PM   #23
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Dawg - Sorry for your mom's health and your situation. I remember my grandmother in the nursing home saying that she hurt all over and wished the Lord would take her. I was younger than 40 then and wondered how anyone could possibly say that. But as I get older, I can appreciate one's desire to live their final years/months as they wish. That said, I agree with the others that suggest getting advice from health care professionals that would help you in making the best decisions.
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Old 06-01-2011, 09:07 PM   #24
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I'd hate to be in your position, but if I was I think the key words are
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and still has a good mind.
If that's the case, it is her decision, encourage her to make it, what ever it is.
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Old 06-01-2011, 09:11 PM   #25
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She has a follow up appointment next week with the surgeon that replaced her hip. He replaces hips on older patients all the time, so he might have a suggestion. The nursing home staff recommended a consult with a GI doc, so we have an appointment scheduled with him the following week. In the meantime, I will be working hard on getting enough fluids and food down her. She actually had a decent day today getting some food down.

Although she has lost 17lbs, her weight is not that far off of what it should be for her height. She had a little cushion going into this, but she can't afford for it to continue.

Thanks for all the suggestions.
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Old 06-01-2011, 09:32 PM   #26
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She had a little cushion going into this, but she can't afford for it to continue.
Maybe she needs to spend some quality time with your dog?
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Old 06-02-2011, 06:10 AM   #27
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Maybe she needs to spend some quality time with your dog?
I take him on weekends for visits. She loves that dog. Some of the other patients enjoy him as well, but there are a couple that head in the opposite direction when they see him coming down the hall. How could you not like this face?

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Old 06-02-2011, 08:00 AM   #28
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Dawg, no advice, just my good thoughts with you. I know what a difficult time this is.

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Old 06-02-2011, 08:37 AM   #29
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In my experience, its best to let them decide. I'm sorry for your situation; its certainly not easy!
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Old 06-02-2011, 08:38 AM   #30
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It is a hard decision. I can't offer advice, but only express sympathy and understanding.

We had a decision to make about my mother years ago, whether to have her stay in assisted living or go to nursing care. She was certain she wanted to stay in assisted living.

So that's what we did. Eventually and (we think) inevitably she fell and died 12 hours later from the injury. I and my sisters are comfortable with that. We are now facing the same issue with FIL, and DW and her family are doing essentially the same thing.

All one can do is what one believes is overall in the best interests of the parent.
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:19 PM   #31
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I take him on weekends for visits. She loves that dog. Some of the other patients enjoy him as well, but there are a couple that head in the opposite direction when they see him coming down the hall. How could you not like this face?

DH's mom was in a nursing home for several years that I just loved mostly because they had pets there. They had a couple of cats that wandered around inside and had a dog (didn't have free rein like the cats) and even a couple of birds. I love pets and one reason I would hate to ever be in even assisted living is that I can't imagine living without pets.
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:33 PM   #32
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Beautiful dog!
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:48 PM   #33
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If your mother has a sound mind have her prepare a health care directive. Perhaps she could do that with a social worker or chaplin as she may be able to talk over her desires and fears with a third party easier.
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Old 06-02-2011, 04:37 PM   #34
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I take him on weekends for visits. She loves that dog. Some of the other patients enjoy him as well, but there are a couple that head in the opposite direction when they see him coming down the hall. How could you not like this face?
My dad's care facility has 3-4 dogs wandering the halls. I don't know if they're pets of the staff, pets of the residents, or just neighborhood strays looking for handouts... but they're very popular and they have their favorite people.

Maybe your mother could be persuaded that it's worth eating enough to keep body & soul together (perhaps with more tabasco sauce or curry powder) in order to have more quality dog/Dawg time.

Otherwise she may be trying to give people the impression that she no longer feels she has anything worth living for? It's hard (and not always socially acceptable) for that generation to admit so.
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Old 06-02-2011, 05:38 PM   #35
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DH's mom was in a nursing home for several years that I just loved mostly because they had pets there. They had a couple of cats that wandered around inside and had a dog (didn't have free rein like the cats) and even a couple of birds. I love pets and one reason I would hate to ever be in even assisted living is that I can't imagine living without pets.
Me too.
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Old 06-02-2011, 05:42 PM   #36
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My late FIL was in a nursing home that had a dog that made the rounds. If a patient with dementia started to walk off, he'd go get an aid. Very cool dog.
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Old 06-02-2011, 07:23 PM   #37
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Maybe your mother could be persuaded that it's worth eating enough to keep body & soul together (perhaps with more tabasco sauce or curry powder) in order to have more quality dog/Dawg time.

Otherwise she may be trying to give people the impression that she no longer feels she has anything worth living for? It's hard (and not always socially acceptable) for that generation to admit so.
I do throw out those incentives, telling her when she gets strong, she will get to go home and Micah(my dog) will be by her side all day. My dog did stay with her a lot when I played golf. He would just lay around her house staying out of the way.

It's weird, the last couple of days she has actually eaten better. This morning I took her blueberry pancakes and bacon(we all know bacon is a cure all) and she ate all the bacon and 3/4 of the pancakes. But when she does eat that much, she slacks off at lunch. But did OK tonight. Even ate most of a piece of cheesecake I took her. Probably not getting enough down to gain weight, but she could maintain her weight if she would do as well every day.

So it's day by day. I've seen all this before. Just as soon as I think she may be turning the corner, she has a poor day getting food down.
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Old 06-02-2011, 08:26 PM   #38
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I do throw out those incentives, telling her when she gets strong, she will get to go home and Micah(my dog) will be by her side all day. My dog did stay with her a lot when I played golf. He would just lay around her house staying out of the way.

It's weird, the last couple of days she has actually eaten better. This morning I took her blueberry pancakes and bacon(we all know bacon is a cure all) and she ate all the bacon and 3/4 of the pancakes. But when she does eat that much, she slacks off at lunch. But did OK tonight. Even ate most of a piece of cheesecake I took her. Probably not getting enough down to gain weight, but she could maintain her weight if she would do as well every day.

So it's day by day. I've seen all this before. Just as soon as I think she may be turning the corner, she has a poor day getting food down.

You really are a great son ! Your Mom is so lucky !
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Old 06-02-2011, 08:28 PM   #39
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You really are a great son ! Your Mom is so lucky !
Yes...indeed.
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Old 06-02-2011, 08:52 PM   #40
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It isn't really how much she eats but whether or not what she eats brings joy.
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