Why do some people care so much that others are fat?

[Amethyst]

These situations sound absolutely horrid. These people obviously felt shamed and defensive, and took it out on you and your son.

The first person is what I call a "size bully." We don't hear much about size bullying, since most of the publicity goes to fat-shaming. Yet, it exists. A very obese relative sat next to me in a church pew at a funeral. She decided she wanted more room, and instead of asking me to move over, she hip-checked me - BOOM - and since I weighed about half what she did, the impact literally pushed me a foot farther down the pew! Mr. A. was furious, but of course we didn't want to make a scene at a funeral, which the relative knew perfectly well.

And your son did nothing wrong, as far as I can see. If she tries that line on every guy she likes who isn't into her, she must have quite the rep as a strange girl.

Amethyst

Quote:

Originally Posted by jollystomper I do not care if people are "fat" (and sometimes "fat" is in the eye of the beholder). I care more if an individual puts me in a situation where they cause me an inconvenience and get upset when I choose not to accept that inconvenience. Just two examples: - I am on a plane trip when an extremely heavy person is sitting in the middle seat. They are so big I am leaning into the aisle to avoid being in constant contact with them. A flight attendant comes up and quietly whispers to me that she can find me another seat with more room, so I just nod and get up, not saying anything, and go to the other seat. At the baggage claim, the heavy person comes up to me and asks do I have problem with them. I'm puzzled and say "huh". They start up with how I "fled" to another seat, how it was embarrassing to them, do I have a problem with heavy people, etc. I am stunned... all I kept saying in return was "I just wanted some room"... yet I was the villain. - One our sons had a heavy female classmate in college develop a huge crush on him. Now, this son was kind of naive about the wiles of romance at the time. He was polite to her, but just wasn't interested in a romantic relationship. It got to the point where she was showing up at his room to see if he wanted "to hang out", or would try to monopolize his time at parties. Finally she did something to which he responded "look, I'm not interested in that sort of thing with you"... and she started in on the "its because I'm fat, right" and just dressed him down in public about his "narrow mind" and "bigotry". Poor son asked DW and I "Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to be with someone whom I just do not find attractive??"

[Lucantes]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jollystomper - I am on a plane trip when an extremely heavy person is sitting in the middle seat. They are so big I am leaning into the aisle to avoid being in constant contact with them. A flight attendant comes up and quietly whispers to me that she can find me another seat with more room, so I just nod and get up, not saying anything, and go to the other seat. At the baggage claim, the heavy person comes up to me and asks do I have problem with them. I'm puzzled and say "huh". They start up with how I "fled" to another seat, how it was embarrassing to them, do I have a problem with heavy people, etc. I am stunned... all I kept saying in return was "I just wanted some room"... yet I was the villain. - One our sons had a heavy female classmate in college develop a huge crush on him. Now, this son was kind of naive about the wiles of romance at the time. He was polite to her, but just wasn't interested in a romantic relationship. It got to the point where she was showing up at his room to see if he wanted "to hang out", or would try to monopolize his time at parties. Finally she did something to which he responded "look, I'm not interested in that sort of thing with you"... and she started in on the "its because I'm fat, right" and just dressed him down in public about his "narrow mind" and "bigotry". Poor son asked DW and I "Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to be with someone whom I just do not find attractive??"

To the first: "Why yes, I do have a problem with you.....now." Never been a fan of anyone who tries to bully another person, no matter what the type of bullying. To be fair however, I am a fairly large man and normally wouldn't get this type of comment, and certainly wouldn't ever consider saying it in this type of context (If a stranger chose to move from sitting next to me on a bus, train or plane etc. I wouldn't give it a seconds thought...except maybe check myself for BO or just to be happy that I now have an empty seat next to me?).
To the second: "Why yes, it is because you are fat". I do not believe anyone should have to apologize to anyone based upon what they find physically attractive, or not. To some I may be attractive, to others I am just average, to others I am ugly. There are only two opinions that actually matter to me in this area however, mine (I like me, I've gotten used to my mug) and my wife's (she appears to like me ). Plus, never ask a question that you actually don't want the answer to!
This just made me sad for your son to even have to contemplate or question: "Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to be with someone whom I just do not find attractive??" What is the world coming to?

[Lucantes]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst A very obese relative sat next to me in a church pew at a funeral. She decided she wanted more room, and instead of asking me to move over, she hip-checked me - BOOM - and since I weighed about half what she did, the impact literally pushed me a foot farther down the pew!

I can't help it, the thought of this just made me laugh!
"The body of Christ compels thee!"

[Ronnieboy]

I am reading this thread with interest because I am fat. Not just fat but morbidly obese. My BMI doesn't even show up on the charts because I am so far off the chart. I resemble quite a few comments that have been posted.

I hate to fly because yes, I am to fat to fit in one seat. I very rarely fly, I can see people at the airline gate with fear in their eye because I might be the one sitting next to them. I always try to be sat next to an empty seat but that is not always available, I always apologize to the person sitting next to me or try to be humorous by saying, "looks like you won the seat lottery". Again, I don't fly, now it is only once a year to my annual managers meeting and the megacorp I work for springs for two seats or a first class to make my flight more comfortable.

I am in healthcare so it is ironic that I am so fat and know the health issues that come with being so fat. I think that part of the reason I have been so lackadaisical about my size is that I 'no longer cared' and worked my way around to living with my size. I only eat out out places that have tables, because I can't fit in a booth, I go to specific movie theaters because I know their seats are big enough and are comfortable. I think good genes have also helped me not care. I am 48 years old now and I have just barely developed issues that should have hit me 20 years ago. I am now having blood pressure that is in the high normal range, high triglycerides and my last A1c had just pushed me into pre-diabetic, my fasting blood sugar was always below 100, etc. I stand on my feet all day and have starting to have some ankle issues, all this should be enough to get me to take action. But it hasn't.

You'd think that I would be even more concerned about staying healthy because we are saving our money to retire early. As previously mentioned in a post, I think/plan/hope that when I early retire I will find the time to eat right and exercise, but what if I die before then, what a waste.

Medical costs are funny because I see many, many regular size people that put my medical costs to shame, I am not even in the 5% ball park of some average sized (and younger) people with diseases such as diabetes, HBP, IBS, crones disease, the list goes on an on that doesn't even scratch the surface of HIV, cancer, transplant, stoke, heart attacks. These all have consequences on the thin and fat alike.

Sex is a no go, can't really blame the wife for not wanting to get it on with a 450 pound man, but we did get 4 kids over the years (damn fed ex man). I guess I like to be fat more than I like sex.

Funny thing is when people see me eat or eat with me they are surprised by the normal amount I eat. They assume I put away 3 extra large big mac meals. That is not the problem, the problem is that I always eat. I can't remember the last time I had hunger pangs or what they even feel like. I seem to be nibbling on something at all times, usually something sweet, m and m's, kit kats, peanut butter cups, I was drinking 8 cans of pepsi a day (I have cut that out). I guess I am just selfish that way because I don't/didn't care if I died early, how would that effect my wife and kids? Didn't care.

I have even had my own bias against the obese. I see them come in with their medicaid card and I think 'my taxes are paying for your medical because you're too fat and lazy to get a job or paying for your food stamps or disability'.

I'm embarrassed when I go grocery shopping because when I am unloading my cart on the belt the majority of items are sweets and fats. Ice cream, chips, candy, not just one or two but 4 or 5 bags of each. I don't eat oranges because I am too lazy to peel them, it isn't worth the work.

I live a sad life.

Last note as re-reading this brings tears to my eyes. About 3 years ago my brother and his wife were celebrating their 50th bday and invited 20 couples to go to the virgin islands and rent a VRBO mansion with them. My wife and I went and luckily had a three seat row on the plane with only the two of us so no problems going down. On the way back the plane was packed. My wife sat next to the window and I sat in the middle seat (my wife is overweight, probably due to my eating habits) but usually I can park my fat ass on her side of the chairs to the 3rd person doesn't have to sacrifice their room. Well, the gentleman (and I use that word loosely) that sat next to me was a prick. I could tell he wasn't happy about the accommodations as he got up more than once to talk to the flight attendant and I did hear them say "full flight". While I had the arm rest up, he said he had to have it down, ok it was doable. During the 4 hour flight I pretty much scrunched up so my seat mate could have his room. He was able to put down his tray, eat his chips, watch his movie, listen to headphones, even take a nap and at the end of the the flight he had the nerve to tell me that I should buy two seats next time because he was so uncomfortable during the flight. Yet at no time did our bodies 'touch' and he was more than able to accomplish everything he needed/wanted to do during the flight. What an asshat.

[Sarah in SC]

Ronnie, thank you for your honest post. I'm fat, too, and have had those awkward times on airplanes, especially when I've traveled with a good friend who is heavier than I am.

I have had a fairly sunny disposition for most of my life, but as midlife hit, I began suffering with some debilitating depression, for the first time, and that has contributed to my lack of motivation to take care of myself, hence a substantial weight gain in the past several years. I'm trying to solve that now, and hope that I will be able to return to a healthier weight. It's hard, and if you haven't walked a mile in the shoes of someone else, you have no idea how hard. Empathy is pretty damn hard to come by these days.

I hope that you will consider if depression or other such issues might be a part of your current habits, as I believe they are mine. And best wishes in battling the asshats of the world! Again, thanks for your honest and forthright post.

[bclover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ronnieboy hasn't. Sex is a no go, can't really blame the wife for not wanting to get it on with a 450 pound man, but we did get 4 kids over the years (damn fed ex man). I guess I like to be fat more than I like sex. Funny thing is when people see me eat or eat with me they are surprised by the normal amount I eat. They assume I put away 3 extra large big mac meals. That is not the problem, the problem is that I always eat. I can't remember the last time I had hunger pangs or what they even feel like. I seem to be nibbling on something at all times, usually something sweet, m and m's, kit kats, peanut butter cups, I was drinking 8 cans of pepsi a day (I have cut that out). I guess I am just selfish that way because I don't/didn't care if I died early, how would that effect my wife and kids? Didn't care. I live a sad life. Last note as re-reading this brings tears to my eyes. About 3 years ago my brother and his wife were celebrating their 50th bday and invited 20 couples to go to the virgin islands and rent a VRBO mansion with them. My wife and I went and luckily had a three seat row on the plane with only the two of us so no problems going down. On the way back the plane was packed. My wife sat next to the window and I sat in the middle seat (my wife is overweight, probably due to my eating habits) but usually I can park my fat ass on her side of the chairs to the 3rd person doesn't have to sacrifice their room. Well, the gentleman (and I use that word loosely) that sat next to me was a prick. I could tell he wasn't happy about the accommodations as he got up more than once to talk to the flight attendant and I did hear them say "full flight". While I had the arm rest up, he said he had to have it down, ok it was doable. During the 4 hour flight I pretty much scrunched up so my seat mate could have his room. He was able to put down his tray, eat his chips, watch his movie, listen to headphones, even take a nap and at the end of the the flight he had the nerve to tell me that I should buy two seats next time because he was so uncomfortable during the flight. Yet at no time did our bodies 'touch' and he was more than able to accomplish everything he needed/wanted to do during the flight. What an asshat.

Yep, that's exactly what he was. awesome post Ronnie and let me just say one thing.

PEOPLE CARE about you!! I'm in no way a medical professional but it sounds like you maybe struggling also with a little depression.

I'm not going to launch into advice but let me just say, if you saw my post about my friend Jo,you'll understand why I want you to take this message to heart. your death would be devastating!! Please believe that. I miss Jo so much, my kids miss her, her kids darn near lost their minds this past mother's day. The worst is when I see something funny during a normal day and I immediately think, "gotta call Jo" and then realize I can't. It is literally like someone punches me in the gut.
So my prayer for you today is that you simply "feel" the love around you.

young, old, fat, skinny, retired or not. you are most definitely needed

[gerntz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Major Tom I just want everyone to get along.

That would be way too boring.

[rgarling]

Ronnie -- given your misgivings about the effects of your eating on your family, and your statement that you "live a sad life", please consider making a change today. Here is a safe, effective program you can use if you just decide to do so: Low Carb for Beginners

[Andre1969]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NYEXPAT I do not care for fat people as they take away from the beauty of the neighborhood and often block the view of the Ocean.I have a friend that is a chubbychaser and he always says "They provide warmth in the winter and shade in the summer", so I guess we are all different.

That, and they make the rockin' world go 'round!

[ivinsfan]

I have to disagree about the "asshat' comment, in what was a very heartfelt post the gentlemen said I can usually get by if I slide into my wife and use part of her seat. Well he can't always know that's going to happen, in some situations they might not be seated together. According to airline rules, he should buy a second seat. What was the guy next to him supposed to do and how does he know the seatmate didn't feel constrained in his seat.
Ronnie have you been screened for depression, because that's jumping off the page of your comment. Yes, I understand being obese is depressing, but some medical intervention might help you. I don't think low-carb or saying you hope you can "get on it" after you retire is going to help you much.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst These situations sound absolutely horrid. These people obviously felt shamed and defensive, and took it out on you and your son. The first person is what I call a "size bully." We don't hear much about size bullying, since most of the publicity goes to fat-shaming. Yet, it exists. A very obese relative sat next to me in a church pew at a funeral. She decided she wanted more room, and instead of asking me to move over, she hip-checked me - BOOM - and since I weighed about half what she did, the impact literally pushed me a foot farther down the pew! Mr. A. was furious, but of course we didn't want to make a scene at a funeral, which the relative knew perfectly well. And your son did nothing wrong, as far as I can see. If she tries that line on every guy she likes who isn't into her, she must have quite the rep as a strange girl. Amethyst

Yes and you can't win, if you would have seen her coming and slid over to give her lots of extra room for her size, you probably would have gotten the evil-eye.

[Big_Hitter]

Overweight people are the new target. First it was smoking, then drinking and now being big.

I hate flying too. Could they make those seats any smaller? I'm 6'2" 270 so I fit in the seat. I lift weights and exercise all the time so there is a lot of muscle to go with the beer gut.

I love it when someone tries to lower the armrest (unnecessarily) and it hits me in the leg. I just say - sorry bro, guess I did too many lunges this week.

Same thing goes for the 105 pound person in front of me that tries to recline but it hits my knees, then they start digging in and my knees just get more in the back of the seat.

I had a middle seat on a flight a few years ago and the lady in the window seat was huge. Yes, she encroached my seat but I felt sorry for her. She had two belts to put on and got in a gasping fit just trying to get them to buckle.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big_Hitter Overweight people are the new target. First it was smoking, then drinking and now being big. I hate flying too. Could they make those seats any smaller? I'm 6'2" 270 so I fit in the seat. I lift weights and exercise all the time so there is a lot of muscle to go with the beer gut. I love it when someone tries to lower the armrest (unnecessarily) and it hits me in the leg. I just say - sorry bro, guess I did too many lunges this week. Same thing goes for the 105 pound person in front of me that tries to recline but it hits my knees, then they start digging in and my knees just get more in the back of the seat. I had a middle seat on a flight a few years ago and the lady in the window seat was huge. Yes, she encroached my seat but I felt sorry for her. She had two belts to put on and got in a gasping fit just trying to get them to buckle.

If you are saying the armrest can't be lowered, you don't fit in the seat.So I'm curious how you know it was "unnecessary" for the armrest to be lowered, maybe the person next to you had a shoulder injury or wanted to use the armrest. Your answer is pretty rude, IMO. Just because you are "fit" doesn't make it right. It seems like when people are flying everything turns to crap, which is why I haven't been on an airplane recently. In fact many people lower the armrest to gauge size...the airlines say if you can't lower the armrest you should buy another seat.

[Big_Hitter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan If you are saying the armrest can't be lowered, you don't fit in the seat.So I'm curious how you know it was "unnecessary" for the armrest to be lowered, maybe the person next to you had a shoulder injury or wanted to use the armrest. Your answer is pretty rude, IMO. Just because you are "fit" doesn't make it right. It seems like when people are flying everything turns to crap, which is why I haven't been on an airplane recently. In fact many people lower the armrest to gauge size...the airlines say if you can't lower the armrest you should buy another seat.

oh it lowers, it just hits my leg (and my shoulder on the way down) - I fit in the seat just fine

I'm actually pretty polite. When they ask me if they mind if they lower the armrest I tell them to go ahead and try. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Armrests are pretty useless anyway.

I'm flying on a turboprop for w*rk on Friday. I'll keep you updated.

Aisle seats are worse - stupid drink cart clips me in the deltoid every time.

[Philliefan33]

I don't get why some people feel that they have the right to encroach on my space on an airplane if they don't fit within their own space. It doesn't matter to me what the reason is; you have your space and I have mine. If you have a large bag stowed under the seat in front of you, that doesn't mean you get to put your feet over in my foot space. If you can't fit your behind or massive muscles into your seat, you need a bigger seat-- you don't get to use part of mine.

I always put the armrest down. The fact that I have an inch or two to spare on either side of my hips does not mean that someone else is entitled to it. I have a larger-than-average "personal space". That makes me uncomfortable in crowds and I don't like being touched by people I don't know.

[W2R]

Ah, the joys of travel by flying. "Experiences, not things", I suppose.

Not my cup of tea, but YMMV.

[Big_Hitter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R Ah, the joys of travel by flying. "Experiences, not things", I suppose. Not my cup of tea, but YMMV.

that's why I try and fly first class when I can; not my cup of tea either

[MichaelB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R Ah, the joys of travel by flying. "Experiences, not things", I suppose. Not my cup of tea, but YMMV.

Visiting places can be very enjoyable, but getting there and back has become distinctly unpleasant and disagreeable, especially by air. There is so much stress and tension introduced into the system by airlines, airports and security it's not a surprise that passengers are irate and impatient.

[audreyh1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nemo2 More 'word drift' I guess. Here's the definition as I always understood it:

In women's clothing it means for shorter women, and always has. Yes - the marketing folks "repurposed" the generic word, but the usage for clothes hasn't changed.

[Amethyst]

Agree with audrey. While "petite" clothes are generally marketed to "petite" women (like my Mother who was 5 feet 1.5" and weighed 105), there are petite sizes for women of more substantial build who happen not to be tall enough for the "misses" sizes. (Just as "misses" sizes aren't just for unmarried women, as the name might imply ). The designation "plus size" has replaced the oddly named "women's" sizes, which used to be the term for larger sizes, as if everybody else was just a girl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by audreyh1 In women's clothing it means for shorter women, and always has. Yes - the marketing folks "repurposed" the generic word, but the usage for clothes hasn't changed.