we've lived relatively lucky lives. mom raised two kids who would never let anything bad happen to her and protected our own finances as well as our generous inheritance with long term insurance. we both lived 20 minutes from her home so we were able to maintain her illusion of independence very far into the disease. besides having sound financial resources and excellent family cooperation, my brother and i also utilized every resource society made available: the alzheimer's association, our local university's memory center, private psychiatrists.
all that was helpful and available we incorporated into mom's care. finally we could no longer keep mom at home as she started refusing help there. following advice of the alzheimer's association to 1st and foremost keep mom safe and of mom's living will instructing us to provide her with a social life, we entered mom into a local nursing home for the last 3 years (where for the first year and a half mom became apparent social director & nurse's aid helping those worse off than she--what a lady.)
the nursing home cost $60plusk/year, most of that covered by insurance. i picked it based on the fabulous chocolate cake they had out for their residents on the day i happened to visit. well, also they had a wonderful actual activities director. we were able to keep mom and her dog together in a double private room sporting over 650 sq ft. there we arranged lots of mom's furniture but the grand wouldn't fit so we got her an upright to play. that little dog ruled the nursing home and we gave puppydog to the home's director on mom's passing.
at the same time my family suffered this, i had four other friends undergoing similar lives. one took care of her mother suffering alzheimer's without help of two other siblings who live states away. none of them have money to speak of. my friend lives in a ratty building slightly offset from a major highway. her mom lived next door. my friend quit work to care for her mom full time. one sister was supportive in spirit but never gave my friend even a week off. the other sister not only never helped, but criticized at every turn and, being a jew for jesus, spent most of her time telling my friend she is damned to hell. this sister did visit once when the mother was in the hospital and left a bible on the bed. my friend didn't think that was very helpful.
without the resources money and good family can provide, my friend also would not take any of my advice to utilize resources offered by society. she was frozen in depression and i could not break away from my life to offer better help. finally, one day, she entered her mother's apartment. there she found her mom stuck in bed, her legs swollen to the point of scarey, her body laying in urine. after some time at the hospital, my friend finally brought her mother to a nursing home which accepted medicaid for alzheimer's patients. they didn't serve chocolate cake, but the place was clean, her mom got good care and it was close to my friend's apartment so she could visit frequently. her mom died two months before mine.
another friend whose mom also has alzheimer's has stopped talking to me because i read him the riot act. an only child, he has done nothing to care for his mother. all he did was go to the lawyer to make sure she wouldn't be able to write him out of the will. his mother has become paranoid of him in her delusions and he can't separate his feelings from her disease. he lives only a town away and so drives by her house, i guess, to make sure his inheritance hasn't caught fire yet.
i have two other friends caring for their elders. both of these guys are very loving & caring & responsible. one has lots of money and so his fil is in an excellent facility in florida. the other is not a case of alzheimer's, just of gotten old.
my friend's mother wants to die at home, where my friend lives with her. she doesn't want help in the house, she doesn't want to go to a nursing home. he has to be gone all day working. she falls when she tries to walk. she is becoming incontinent and he refuses my advice to have her wear diapers. he doesn't want to embarrass her. good god, what is my friend thinking? he won't listen to me when i explain that she can't be crapping in bed with him cleaning it up. he doesn't hear me when i tell him she needs the care a nursing home can provide so that she doesn't break a bone and wind up in even more pain for the next 12 months. but he lives with her & cares for her and he's doing the very best he can given her strong will.
i have stopped trying to offer him advice as i do not want to lose another friend.