This will be long, so I'll try to be as objective as possible. Also sorry in advance for english errors.
I'm 24 and she's 26. We're both in Brazil and living together in a apartment for about a year. Prior to that we've, how can I say, "semi-lived" together for another year in another city. We've been dating since 1999. I surely love her and she loves me. We're not married.
I'm working in a low-pay job earning $12k/year. She works in a Bank and earns $35k/year. I have a high chance, until the end of 2008, to get a job that pays $61k/year and in 2011-2012 $170k/year. She will probably top her salary at $56k/year for the next 10-15 years.
Our economies: She has a "brazilian 401k" with 2.5k, we have invested 4.5k in bonds and she has a special government savings account (mandatory to all legalized workers here in Brazil) with 4k. Total 11k. We also have a car that my dad gave to me but it is still in his name, so it's not really mine.
Here's what happened: yesterday we were discussing our finances and once again she had the opinion that we should raise our spending, this time because she "needed" a branded special shampoo that costs $200, so I argued that she already has a $400 "fun money" to buy whatever she wants every month. She not only maxed this money but also overspent it by a large amount last month. She was very offended when I said this and then she left the room. Later on she was in the bed and I tried to sleep too. She said I wouldn't sleep in the bed that day. I argued that the bed was ours, so yes I would sleep in the bed. She then suddenly exploded and screamed "I hate you! I hate you!" and pushed me out of bed. Of course I was shocked by this behavior but I knew that to talk at that time would be futile, so I tried to sleep in the sofa.
Well, I tried to sleep in the sofa, but couldn't. It was too small to me. Result: I only slept between 5:00AM-6:00AM!!! That means that in the last 48h I only slept 1.
So when I realized in the night that I wouldn't be able to sleep I used that time to think about my relationship and more important the differences and similarities that we have. I came to these conclusions:
-Why the hell I'm awake 2:00AM when I don't want to? This is absurd and she was responsible for this.
-When we had last year a combined salary of $30k she said that we couldn't save any money because it was too little money already for both of us. Now we have a combined salary of $45k and she still thinks that we can't save anything because she wants to increase even more the spending eating out, having more money for food, for her, etc. The only savings that we could make so far were the "mandatory" savings by the government (her 401k and the other account) and some money that my parents send to me every month to help me (even that money I had to argue heavily with her not to spend it). To sum it up: I really want to save, ER very early (40 years tops) and live a simple but confortable lifestyle. She agreed with my plan of ER, but what I'm sensing is that her urge to spend more and more will never stop. She already said to me that wanted to buy a new car even though we have NO necessity of this now (our car has 23k miles).
-I'm more introverted (INTJ/ISTJ MTBI) while se is the complete opposite (ENFP). The result is that I want to stay more at home and she wants to go out more. I also have problems discussing the relationship with her, and she deservedly complains a lot to me about this.
-She has some huge jealousy problems. I can't even talk to another girl that she freaks out.
-She really likes to have my attention all the time. She complains if I talk too much time with a friend at the phone or go play some game in the computer while she has nothing to do. I really miss to have some free time to myself.
-She is just not the "saver" kind of person. She often doesn't even check the price of the products in the grocery shop, and if one thing is $1 and a 10% better product costs $4 she will buy the most expensive because she says she just like the other product more.
-We could surely make sex more often. I'd like to make it 3-4 times a week, when we're doing it once every 15 days maximum.
-On the bright side, she is a very beautiful woman, she does give to me all the attention I need, we're VERY faithful to each other and I overall like to spend time with her watching movies/series or going to the bar or restaurant with her. And of course that we love each other very very much.
-She likes to dance and I don't. She says to me that she really miss dancing.
-I love to study about many subjects (history, languages, science, etc) while she's mostly interested in celebrity gossip.
-I'm an atheist while she is catholic. Surprisingly we never really fighted about this and respected each others opinion.
The conclusion that I came was that this relationship will sadly have no future. Not because of lack of love or attention, but I guess we have some heavy incompatibilities. I've searched extensively in this forum with keywords like "divorce" and "retirement", "single" and "ER", etc., and I came to the conclusion that a divorce or split informal civil union (our case) can really destroy someone's plan to ER. I really suspect that this would be the case if I stayed with her. This could also go very bad if we have a child (I'm sure I don't want to have any, she said that for now she doesn't want but in the future she might want one).
I then after thinking alone for almost 30 hours about the subject I came to her and said that I'm breaking with her and said that was because of our incompatibilities, that I still love her, that this would be worse in the future, etc. Of course she is crying a lot right now, and I also had my quota of tears. This forum was always a source of wisdom from me, so I would really like the opinion of EVERYONE about this. Did I do the right thing? Am I mad breaking up with a beautiful woman that loves me and that I love? PLEASE HELP ME!
I'm 24 and she's 26. We're both in Brazil and living together in a apartment for about a year. Prior to that we've, how can I say, "semi-lived" together for another year in another city. We've been dating since 1999. I surely love her and she loves me. We're not married.
I'm working in a low-pay job earning $12k/year. She works in a Bank and earns $35k/year. I have a high chance, until the end of 2008, to get a job that pays $61k/year and in 2011-2012 $170k/year. She will probably top her salary at $56k/year for the next 10-15 years.
Our economies: She has a "brazilian 401k" with 2.5k, we have invested 4.5k in bonds and she has a special government savings account (mandatory to all legalized workers here in Brazil) with 4k. Total 11k. We also have a car that my dad gave to me but it is still in his name, so it's not really mine.
Here's what happened: yesterday we were discussing our finances and once again she had the opinion that we should raise our spending, this time because she "needed" a branded special shampoo that costs $200, so I argued that she already has a $400 "fun money" to buy whatever she wants every month. She not only maxed this money but also overspent it by a large amount last month. She was very offended when I said this and then she left the room. Later on she was in the bed and I tried to sleep too. She said I wouldn't sleep in the bed that day. I argued that the bed was ours, so yes I would sleep in the bed. She then suddenly exploded and screamed "I hate you! I hate you!" and pushed me out of bed. Of course I was shocked by this behavior but I knew that to talk at that time would be futile, so I tried to sleep in the sofa.
Well, I tried to sleep in the sofa, but couldn't. It was too small to me. Result: I only slept between 5:00AM-6:00AM!!! That means that in the last 48h I only slept 1.
So when I realized in the night that I wouldn't be able to sleep I used that time to think about my relationship and more important the differences and similarities that we have. I came to these conclusions:
-Why the hell I'm awake 2:00AM when I don't want to? This is absurd and she was responsible for this.
-When we had last year a combined salary of $30k she said that we couldn't save any money because it was too little money already for both of us. Now we have a combined salary of $45k and she still thinks that we can't save anything because she wants to increase even more the spending eating out, having more money for food, for her, etc. The only savings that we could make so far were the "mandatory" savings by the government (her 401k and the other account) and some money that my parents send to me every month to help me (even that money I had to argue heavily with her not to spend it). To sum it up: I really want to save, ER very early (40 years tops) and live a simple but confortable lifestyle. She agreed with my plan of ER, but what I'm sensing is that her urge to spend more and more will never stop. She already said to me that wanted to buy a new car even though we have NO necessity of this now (our car has 23k miles).
-I'm more introverted (INTJ/ISTJ MTBI) while se is the complete opposite (ENFP). The result is that I want to stay more at home and she wants to go out more. I also have problems discussing the relationship with her, and she deservedly complains a lot to me about this.
-She has some huge jealousy problems. I can't even talk to another girl that she freaks out.
-She really likes to have my attention all the time. She complains if I talk too much time with a friend at the phone or go play some game in the computer while she has nothing to do. I really miss to have some free time to myself.
-She is just not the "saver" kind of person. She often doesn't even check the price of the products in the grocery shop, and if one thing is $1 and a 10% better product costs $4 she will buy the most expensive because she says she just like the other product more.
-We could surely make sex more often. I'd like to make it 3-4 times a week, when we're doing it once every 15 days maximum.
-On the bright side, she is a very beautiful woman, she does give to me all the attention I need, we're VERY faithful to each other and I overall like to spend time with her watching movies/series or going to the bar or restaurant with her. And of course that we love each other very very much.
-She likes to dance and I don't. She says to me that she really miss dancing.
-I love to study about many subjects (history, languages, science, etc) while she's mostly interested in celebrity gossip.
-I'm an atheist while she is catholic. Surprisingly we never really fighted about this and respected each others opinion.
The conclusion that I came was that this relationship will sadly have no future. Not because of lack of love or attention, but I guess we have some heavy incompatibilities. I've searched extensively in this forum with keywords like "divorce" and "retirement", "single" and "ER", etc., and I came to the conclusion that a divorce or split informal civil union (our case) can really destroy someone's plan to ER. I really suspect that this would be the case if I stayed with her. This could also go very bad if we have a child (I'm sure I don't want to have any, she said that for now she doesn't want but in the future she might want one).
I then after thinking alone for almost 30 hours about the subject I came to her and said that I'm breaking with her and said that was because of our incompatibilities, that I still love her, that this would be worse in the future, etc. Of course she is crying a lot right now, and I also had my quota of tears. This forum was always a source of wisdom from me, so I would really like the opinion of EVERYONE about this. Did I do the right thing? Am I mad breaking up with a beautiful woman that loves me and that I love? PLEASE HELP ME!
Last edited:
Flee
