Hello board. I am a long time follower of these boards and a first time poster. I know that a number of ER’s on this board have gone through a divorce in their lives and from what I have read on here, it can be devastating to a portfolio and ER. So I wanted to present an idea I had to the group. The details are a little personal, but I think are necessary in order to get valid opinions from those who choose to respond.
I am a male, 39 years old who has worked full time since college. I have a wife several years younger. I married her relatively young after we were done with college and she worked for a few years after school until we had children. All seemed to be going well. Several years ago, the children started school full time. My wife wanted to be able to have some time to herself when they started school and took the first year they were gone for exercising, shopping and just being herself again instead of being full time Mommy. I fully supported her at that time.
It has been a couple of years since that time and we have talked at length about her returning to work but she simply refuses to get a job, stating that ‘she likes not working’. She is a credentialed professional, capable of making at least $80k annually if she went back to work now and more if she is able to excel (which she did when she was working right out of college). But instead she simply stays home most of the day and shuttles the kids around if they have a practice or something. I feel like she is kind of withering away, but she does seem very happy not working. I have worked many long hours in a rather grueling job trying to save as much as I can along the way. I am at least five years away from even thinking about retiring, even though we save about 70% of my income.
Here is the dilemma. I love my wife, but I cannot bear the thought of me continuing to bring home hundreds of dollars each day while she stays home choosing not to work. I believe that a marriage should have generally equal contributions. I feel it was equal when she had our young children there, but since they started school they are gone most of the day. I no longer feel that the burden of life’s responsibilities are equal and I am at my wits end. These feelings are made even stronger by divorce laws in my state, which I learned about from a close friend who recently was served divorce papers. The law says that anyone can file for a divorce without any cause whatsoever and typically half of the assets go to each spouse. Child support is even more damaging because they base it on percentages of income (mine being 100% and hers being 0%). No consideration is given to the lifestyle our children have or that fact that we save 70%. It is simply an income test, meaning a divorce would virtually wipe out my ability to retire early. According to an online calculator I found, child support payments alone would be more than we spend for our total living expenses each year. This is written into the laws of my state with apparently little or no flexibility.
Here is my point: She REALLY doesn’t want to work and I REALLY don’t want to keep contributing all of my energy to filling this pot of money that she can walk off with someday while I would be under a court order to send thousands of dollars in child support payments to her each month. I have discussed with her the prospect of just quitting my job and living in squalor with her to equal things out (which she wasn’t totally opposed to), but I feel that I would be putting our family at risk by having no income. So then I had a thought that perhaps a divorce on paper would be a good answer for us. The divorce would be 'real' as far as the state is concerned, but nothing between us or how we live would change.
The way I envision it, we can split the assets 50/50 right now and maximize tax benefits (such as putting all of the taxable assets in her name to take advantage of her lower bracket). She could continue not working and I would keep working paying all of the household bills as I am now, with the leftover money accruing to an account in my name. We could decide beforehand that if someone gets unhappy years down the road and chooses to leave, that we each take whatever assets we have in our names and each would provide for ½ of the support of the children and put it into a legal contract. We would also spell out in the contract everything necessary to avoid any common law/domestic partner marriage snags.
My question for the forum: Has anyone ever done this? What does the group think about such an arrangement? Am I missing any details which could derail the plan? Does anyone have any other ideas about how to best handle this situation?
If the plan I am proposing does seem possible, what is the best way to approach my DW about it? Other than her intense desire to stay unemployed, our relationship is healthy. Remember, I really do love her and I sincerely believe that she loves me too… I just want more of an equal contribution. I was thinking a divorce notice burning party, coupled with a trip to Las Vegas or New York where we could renew our vows and not involve the state this time.
I apologize for the long post. Thank you in advance for your response.
I am a male, 39 years old who has worked full time since college. I have a wife several years younger. I married her relatively young after we were done with college and she worked for a few years after school until we had children. All seemed to be going well. Several years ago, the children started school full time. My wife wanted to be able to have some time to herself when they started school and took the first year they were gone for exercising, shopping and just being herself again instead of being full time Mommy. I fully supported her at that time.
It has been a couple of years since that time and we have talked at length about her returning to work but she simply refuses to get a job, stating that ‘she likes not working’. She is a credentialed professional, capable of making at least $80k annually if she went back to work now and more if she is able to excel (which she did when she was working right out of college). But instead she simply stays home most of the day and shuttles the kids around if they have a practice or something. I feel like she is kind of withering away, but she does seem very happy not working. I have worked many long hours in a rather grueling job trying to save as much as I can along the way. I am at least five years away from even thinking about retiring, even though we save about 70% of my income.
Here is the dilemma. I love my wife, but I cannot bear the thought of me continuing to bring home hundreds of dollars each day while she stays home choosing not to work. I believe that a marriage should have generally equal contributions. I feel it was equal when she had our young children there, but since they started school they are gone most of the day. I no longer feel that the burden of life’s responsibilities are equal and I am at my wits end. These feelings are made even stronger by divorce laws in my state, which I learned about from a close friend who recently was served divorce papers. The law says that anyone can file for a divorce without any cause whatsoever and typically half of the assets go to each spouse. Child support is even more damaging because they base it on percentages of income (mine being 100% and hers being 0%). No consideration is given to the lifestyle our children have or that fact that we save 70%. It is simply an income test, meaning a divorce would virtually wipe out my ability to retire early. According to an online calculator I found, child support payments alone would be more than we spend for our total living expenses each year. This is written into the laws of my state with apparently little or no flexibility.
Here is my point: She REALLY doesn’t want to work and I REALLY don’t want to keep contributing all of my energy to filling this pot of money that she can walk off with someday while I would be under a court order to send thousands of dollars in child support payments to her each month. I have discussed with her the prospect of just quitting my job and living in squalor with her to equal things out (which she wasn’t totally opposed to), but I feel that I would be putting our family at risk by having no income. So then I had a thought that perhaps a divorce on paper would be a good answer for us. The divorce would be 'real' as far as the state is concerned, but nothing between us or how we live would change.
The way I envision it, we can split the assets 50/50 right now and maximize tax benefits (such as putting all of the taxable assets in her name to take advantage of her lower bracket). She could continue not working and I would keep working paying all of the household bills as I am now, with the leftover money accruing to an account in my name. We could decide beforehand that if someone gets unhappy years down the road and chooses to leave, that we each take whatever assets we have in our names and each would provide for ½ of the support of the children and put it into a legal contract. We would also spell out in the contract everything necessary to avoid any common law/domestic partner marriage snags.
My question for the forum: Has anyone ever done this? What does the group think about such an arrangement? Am I missing any details which could derail the plan? Does anyone have any other ideas about how to best handle this situation?
If the plan I am proposing does seem possible, what is the best way to approach my DW about it? Other than her intense desire to stay unemployed, our relationship is healthy. Remember, I really do love her and I sincerely believe that she loves me too… I just want more of an equal contribution. I was thinking a divorce notice burning party, coupled with a trip to Las Vegas or New York where we could renew our vows and not involve the state this time.
I apologize for the long post. Thank you in advance for your response.
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