I didn't want to trounce Citrine's thread, but I thought some people might get a chuckle with some performance review antics.
We've just started going through the standard megacorp fun. People are going to be force-ranked on a bell curve and the metrics will be published for everyone (translation: my boss was told that he will be picking someone on the team to be a 2 and no one can score a 5, even though all of us typically score as 4's and 5's). Of course, being the type of people we are, we all volunteered to be the 2 (better chance of getting laid off with severance).
To help with the transition, I wrote a tool to randomly assign scores and short evaluations to the employees on the team (there are 6 employees). Below is an excerpt from that list. Note, some of these are very blatantly stolen from other sources so they'll sound familiar:
We've just started going through the standard megacorp fun. People are going to be force-ranked on a bell curve and the metrics will be published for everyone (translation: my boss was told that he will be picking someone on the team to be a 2 and no one can score a 5, even though all of us typically score as 4's and 5's). Of course, being the type of people we are, we all volunteered to be the 2 (better chance of getting laid off with severance).
To help with the transition, I wrote a tool to randomly assign scores and short evaluations to the employees on the team (there are 6 employees). Below is an excerpt from that list. Note, some of these are very blatantly stolen from other sources so they'll sound familiar:
- is a Fashion Attire icon
- is a slave to fashion
- dress code challenged
- has hit rock bottom and continues to dig
- there is a village looking for you....
- just when you thought you made it idiot-proof, along comes this moron
- thought work was fun. You lose.
- score is based on off-hours support
- has an inability to open Notes
- used blackberry as spamming tool
- cause we LIKED the bell-curve.
- is no <random employee name>
- always drunk during deployments.
- caught sleeping at desk.
- took the last cup of coffee out of machine.
- Redefines average every day...
- failed random IQ Test
- inappropriate use of company issued utensils.
- smells like something nobody can identify.
- got caught in stairwell with no badge, nice work idiot.
- Would follow this employee everywhere, but only out of morbid curiousity
- Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- Out of their depth in a parking lot puddle
- Should give up aspiring to greatness; average would be an achievement at this point
- Give this person a penny for their thoughts and you'd get change back
- Rode the tilt-a-whirl too long as a kid
- Bright as Alaska in December
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
- Has a room temperature IQ.
- Will go above and beyond the call of duty for their customer (assuming that managing to show up before noon is going beyond the call of duty)
- Would argue with a signpost
- Unqualified to stand in as a CPR dummy
- If you see two people talking, and one person looks bored, this person is the other one.
- So dense they bend light
- Incapable of original thought
- A few documents short of a deployment request
- The sole reason the infrastructure group is so busy
- Voted least likely to be a security risk
- Greatest achievement was sneaking past security this morning
- Single-handedly caused us to renumber the sev list to start at sev 0
- Is no longer allowed in the data center after the last incident
- Makes up for small paycheck by causing expensive disasters
- Capable of wasting more employee time than any project manager
- Brings humor to the workplace. Well, their co-workers like to laugh at them at least
- Couldn't spell SOA if you spotted them the vowels
- A bright spot on the team. That is, they're a flaming idiot.
- Incapable of coming up with quotes for this site
- Scares small children. Actually, they scare adults too
- Stuck as a hitch-hiker on the road to success
- Recommend promoting this person to management immediately. It's the only way we can keep them from screwing up any more code
- On the road of life, there are drivers and there are passengers... and then there's this speedbump
- This person is the sole reason there are so many warning labels
- In the fast lane to success, going 10 mph, with their left turn signal on