Rip j.k.

[thefed]

Well, another one bites the dust. This time it is my FIL. He had a double lung transplant in August and has been fighting ever since. He was recovering oh-so-slowly, but had a massive heart attack early Sunday morning.

I was actually there when they decided to stop life support...and i have never witnessed something so horrific.

I feel so bad for MIL and my wife...I dont know what to do.


son of a bitch....this suit I asked you all about last summer is surely getting used...5 funerals and one court case in under a year...not good

 

[RonBoyd]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My heart goes out to you.

 

[thefed]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My heart goes out to you.

thanks

i have no idea how to handle my wife right now...i cant offer much help as ive thankfully never lost a parent. she is so torn up it- it kills me to see her like this

 

[Brat]

That is so sad. I am not into religious faith very much but you could seek out a Chaplain who is associated with the hospital in which he died for some guidance in how you might help your wife. It may be that he was enrolled in a hospice program, they offer help to the family after the patient passes away.

 

[bbbamI]

Wow...you've had a tough time lately. I'm sorry fed.

When my FIL died, my DH was torn up too. I just let his emotions run their course...left him alone when he needed solitude and held him when he came to me.

 

[Nords]

I'm sorry for all these recent losses, thefed.

i have no idea how to handle my wife right now...

Keep your mouth shut and offer lots of hugs.

Usually works for me... and has a very low [-]minefield[/-] failure rate.

 

[DeborahB]

My mother died a couple of years ago (at 85), kind of suddenly. We didn't have her on life support at all, but she had a massive stroke (couldn't swallow, paralyzed on one side, but lucid). Within days they found cancer everywhere. It was not a hard decision - let her die from the stroke (with morphine) or let her die much more painfully from the cancer within a few weeks. However, watching her trying to breathe for 10 hours was truly terrible. She literally gasped for breath the whole time, but we kept adding morphine so she was out of it (in the hospital). I know some of what you went through.

So... It took me at least 2 years to get over this at all. I still choke up when I talk about her, but I don't cry too often. Your wife will maybe feel the same way. Someone said to me, it's a hole in your heart that never fills up - and that's about right. It hurts and it's awful and your wife will need a lot of kindness and hugs. When she wants to talk, even if she cries a lot, just let her do it. It will get better over time - mostly the experience of being there isn't so fresh after a while, and you start being able to remember the times before the illness.

The week I spent with her in the hospital (I live 1500 miles away) isn't as vivid as it was - so hold onto that as an outcome. For a long time it was totally vivid.

People advised me to go to grief groups but I chose not to and for me it was the right decision. I understood perfectly what was going on, and I knew only time would make it go away.

 

[My Dream]

Really sorry to hear the fed, one to many funerals are way too many. If only everyone close to us would wait until we're gone first. What's up with that!!!

 

[winger]

Sorry for your loss.

My father died in February, from lung damage caused by cancer, pneumonia and radiation treatment.

The worst part was watching him die of suffocation I wish I hadn't been there that morning to watch.

 

[Brat]

Sorry for your loss.

My father died in February, from lung damage caused by cancer, pneumonia and radiation treatment.

The worst part was watching him die of suffocation I wish I hadn't been there that morning to watch.

Yes, but he received much comfort from your presence.

Dying isn't about the living, it is about providing emotional support for those leaving us.

 

[Westernskies]

thefed,
Sorry you had to go through this, but your DW and FIL can take comfort in the fact that you were strong enough to see him off to the great beyond. I've been there, it is a very tough thing to do, but it makes you appreciate life all the more. Hang in there, better times lie ahead.
WS

 

[bruce1]

Sorry all this is happening. A friend is a volunteer grief counsellor. Maybe there is something similiar in your area. In the meantime I would follow Nords path but I am very bad at this stuff.

 

[thefed]

thanks for all the kind words and advice. i am trying to offer as much support as i can....and hugs when i normally wouldnt (i'm not a huggin kinda guy!).

but then i overheard my wife talking to her mom saying 'man, jason is really supportive and he gives me hugs and rubs my back...but i really would just rather grieve with my brother. is that wierd? i feel like he's torn up over this and is coming to me to hug me for himself, not for me."

this is absolutely not the case...


wtf is up with that? 5 years ago we had a meltdown because i wasnt there ENOUGH emptionally after her gma passed.

 

[antmary]

Thefed,
I am so sorry about your loss. I lost my mom in 2005; she was 89. She had a stroke and went into a coma. I made sure that they kept giving her morphine to quell any panic re: breathing. When she left, she was surrounded by all her children, as we sat and prayed for her.

Losses like that take some time to overcome. It has been 5 years, and I still get choked up when I start missing her.

 

[Lazarus]

Sorry to hear of your loss.

 

[bbbamI]

Emotions due to the passing of a loved one are many and some thoughts may be confusing to the one that mourns.

The best advice I have for you is try to be patient. Just give it some time....

 

[Nova]

So sorry to hear of your loss. You are doing the right thing to give hugs, back rubs, listen when she wants to talk, give her space when she needs it, etc. She needs to grieve with her brother and mother...and she needs space to come to terms with her/their loss. She had a hole in her heart right now that no one can fill. Time is really the only thing that will dull the pain she's in right now.

Guys tend to want to "fix" the problem when their DW complains (in this case grieves). Women don't necessarily want you to "fix" anything, they just want you to listen, be in their corner, give a hug, etc...emotional support. It sounds like you are doing that, so just keep doing it. Her comments about it "feeling wierd" is a whole lot better than complaining that you are a cold SOB who doesn't care. BTW, you could let her know that your heart is a little freyed around the edges and that you are struggling with FIL's death, too.

I wish all of you the best, and hope that good memories of FIL will crowd out the feelings of loss.

 

[chinaco]

Sorry about the loss. Sometimes, there are not adequate words... it just takes time to work through the grieving process.


Your DW's comments. Just let it ride and discuss it in a few months when she has worked past the emotion.

At that time, tell her that you were trying to be supportive.

 

[thefed]

thanks guys9and gals)

 

[FinanceDude]

Tell her you miss him too, and tell her you'll be there for her no matter what. She'll appreciate that, maybe not now, but someday........

My sister has been gone almost 4 years and I still am sad about it..............we were as close as a brother and sister can be.........