Disconnecting from dysfunctional family members

[ProspectiveBum]

Anybody ever emphatically disconnect from one or more dysfunctional family members? In other words, rather than just not calling/writing/visiting them, you explicitly told them, “I don’t think you’re healthy, you’re not adding anything positive to my life, and I don’t care to see you anymore”. I did it last night, and today am filling in other family members who are sort of caught in the middle that these 2 folks are persona non grata in my life, and not to bring them around.

In both cases, my actions could be viewed as extreme, since nothing overt has happened with either of them recently. No screaming matches, no (recent) thievery or other betrayal of trust. Just a long, slow simmer, and a dawning realization that I don’t have to accept people in my life that I’m uncomfortable around, and who don’t add anything positive. While neither has been clinically diagnosed, I personally believe both these individuals have Borderline Personality Disorder, which seems to be pervasive in my family.

I did this via e-mail, since that’s my primary method of communication with both of these people. I got back one angry, hurt reply, and the other person hasn’t responded. I realized that in 1 case, I was hesitant to do it not because of the individual’s reaction, but because it will make other family members that I care about uncomfortable. Ultimately, I decided that the freedom I’d feel outweighed any short-term pain I’ll cause with my other family members.

I saw a quote today that resonated with me: “You get what you tolerate”. That’s what I was doing: tolerating dysfunction, to my detriment. It was stressful last night, and I only got about 4 hours sleep. Today, as the day goes on, stress is giving way to relief. I think I did the right thing.

Any stories to share?

 

[simple girl]

I deliberately disconnected from my father for about a year after my mother left him. I made it be known (through other family members) that I would not accept any communication from him. Changed my phone number, etc.

I slowly started allowing conversation with him after things had settled down, but I made it clear that I would not tolerate any verbal abuse. It seemed to have set him straight. He never again became verbally abusive to me and always treated me respectfully after that. I think the seriousness of my ex-communication made him examine how he had treated me. I do think he felt sorry - although he never formally offered an apology.

All in all - a very good move on my part. Helped me set boundaries and develop healthier relationships with others from that point forward.

 

[Khan]

Mostly blocked sister and her kids and her ex.
They know where I am.

 

[travelover]

I have a dirt bag ex-brother who in a better world would be in prison.

 

[FreqFlyer]

Strange the issue would come up. I'm visiting my mother next weekend for the first time in.... gosh, 4 years. After a disastrous Thanksgiving I told her I wasn't going to have anything to do with her unless she was sober.

It's so bizarre because she's a blend of someone I know better than anyone mixed with a complete stranger.

 

[jimnjana]

If they do have BPD, I can understand how you feel. I would only suggest that if your family members do decide to get help, that you would at some point try to reconnect if only thru email.

 

[tmm99]

You know, looking up on wiki BPD (borderline personality disorder), I am thinking, maybe my sister-in-law has that, instead of the other BPD (Bipolar disorder) she was diagnosed with. They sound pretty similar to me. Anyway, I told her I would change my phone number if she kept on calling in the middle of the night one after another ranting and raving and making no sense. She couldn't stop, so I changed my phone number. She lives very far and I don't even think she has my address, but I was afraid for a while that I would find her knocking on my front door one day. I don't think that will happen now, and I am really relieved that those crazy calls stopped. It's not worth it to keep people in your life who are crazy or who makes you crazy. Granted she is not a blood relative, but my brother was cut out when I cut my sister-in-law out of my life. (My borther was getting really weirded out too because of her craziness or because of some synergetic effect between the two, I don't know, but at this point, I don't care. to find out either way.)

I hope things will change, but even if it didn't, I am OK with it. I chose to do this for my sanity and peace.

 

[Sue J]

My parents cut off all contact with my brother about 20 years ago. It didn't bother me much because he and his family were difficult and unpleasant to deal with and you never knew how much of his stories were just lies and excuses. Much of this was due to his drug use and his wife's alcohol usage.

I did not miss him and rarely thought about him. Then he got in touch with me, just wanting to reconnect with family. I accepted and cautiously started a relationship again. We were doing well at reestablishing our sibling relationship when he suddenly died. It was a drug overdose.

Turns out my parents were right all along. He really was toxic, but looking back I'm glad that I had him in my life, to a degree, for that short amount of time.

I strongly agree that if you've got people who just make you miserable, you don't have to put up with it. Sometimes in a tug-of-war the best tactic is to drop the rope and walk away. Especially if this has been going on for a long time and you've tried to accept them or help them change.

 

[dex]

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina



I really didn't bother with telling the members of my family I didn't want to deal with - I just avoid or ignore them.

There is one thing to consider - if there is something the other person does that really annoys you; ask yourself if you have the same thing - maybe to a lesser degree.

 

[TooFrugal]

Traits like mutual respect, trust and honesty are often more important attributes in people we continue to maintain relationships with rather than just shared DNA.

 

[obgyn65]

bingo

Traits like mutual respect, trust and honesty are often more important attributes in people we continue to maintain relationships with rather than just shared DNA.

 

[Khan]

Why should I continue contact with crazy people?

(It's been more than 7 years and none of the $%^ has told me Mother died or why they didn't tell me.)

Bitter?
Maybe just realistic.

 

[youbet]

Since FIREing a little over 4 yrs ago, I've backed out of relationships with several folks. I find I can do so without confrontation although it sometimes takes months. I just slowly, quietly back away. I'm just more comfortable doing it that way. Why be judgmental/confrontational when fault might reside all around? Just slowly turn down the communication spigot until the stream is completely stopped and harbor no ill feelings anchored in the past.

 

[Brat]

I have a sister who I was very close to for.. about 30 years. Unfortunately she became very dysfunctional after that. I can understand why, but I am unwilling to tolerate her behavior. I miss her but she is unwilling to meet me with a counselor. She is not able to confront her personal issues. I do feel sorry for her and her family but my priority is my own family. Such is life.

 

[audreyh1]

Well, I got divorced! And that was it.

Audrey

 

[Nords]

Anybody ever emphatically disconnect from one or more dysfunctional family members?
Any stories to share?

We haven't emphatically disconnected-- more like slowly edging to the exit and sliding out when they're distracted elsewhere.

My spouse envies me for not having much to do with my father or my brother. Sometimes I envy my spouse for having her brother and her parents available. But whenever we get a good solid dose of the other's life we realize once again that we really want nothing to do with any of these people.

We could probably both support a team of psychotherapists to their own ERs. At least these days our actions are guided by our own consciences and not by some misguided sense of filial duty.

 

[kyounge1956]

Please tell me I'm not the only person on this board who likes my parents and siblings.

 

[FIREd]

Please tell me I'm not the only person on this board who likes my parents and siblings.

You're not. I've gone through a few rough patches with my dad, but I would never consider cutting him out of my life. I have great relationships with my mom and sister. But I think that living thousands of miles away from them helps "idealize" the relationships. We see each other so rarely that everyone tries to be on their best behavior on those rare occasions. I think our relationships would probably be tenser if we lived closer to each other. Too much codependency for my taste.

DW, on the other hand, has happily cut ties with many members of her family including her step dad and siblings.

 

[LOL!]

This discussion is a bit one-sided. Has anybody disconnected from YOU?

 

[rescueme]

This discussion is a bit one-sided. Has anybody disconnected from YOU?

Yes, my parents (both of them).

When they divorced after 25+ of marriage, I had to make the decision of "who I would talk to for the rest of my life".

I had a rocky relationship with both of them over the years, but since my father was a real SOB (another long story, not to be discussed on an open forum), I chose my mother. I didn't talk to my father from the point of their split up till the SOB passed many years later.

My mother has her own problems (mental/emotional) due to the breakup - even though she's been remarried for many years (to a good guy that treats her well, IMHO). She can't give up the past, and I spoke to her husband about getting her into therapy (I’ve been in therapy because of them, and a lot of other personal problems; I know it works).

She refused, and continued to blame everybody else for her "problems". BTW, she's mentioned that she's sad because she has no grandchildren, even though DW/me have a son (disabled) and my brother has two children (they are adopted and "not of her blood" is her reasoning). I guess any grandchild "less than perfect" is not good enough.

Last time I spoke to her on the phone (a few years ago) we got into an argument and she hung up on me (more of the same). I simply decided that life without her in it was better than the grief that I (and my DW) was putting up with all these years. I have no intention to "patch up" a relationship that has never been normal. She’s has not attempted me to contact me since.

You chose your friends; you can't choose your relatives. If you can't get along, you need to get away.

Enough said...

 

[Dimsumkid]

Just disconnected from 2 siblings. Almost finished dealing with 2 lawsuits involving my close knit family. The middle sibling passed away in 2007.
Deadbeat #1 had been sponging at mom's house for over 16 yrs, then decided he'd keep doing it.(A little history - middle sibling and deadbeat #1 robbed parents of 50-100k savings in the 1970's) I was asked by middle sibling (he turned his life around, paying parents back for the theft) to take care of her day to day, she is legally blind, can't handle her finances and can barely speak english. Me and another sibling had a discussion with Deadbeat #1 about mom's care, only concern he had was, "What about me?". We told him he works full time, time to get your own place (in his early 50's). Deadbeat #1 decided to padlock all rooms in the house except mom's room, doesn't pay any rent or utils. We proceeded to file for guardianship for mom. We proceeded with guardianship for mom, deadbeat #1 files a counter guardianship, even though he claims not to have any money. He even had time/money to move in an email order bride from the far East to move in w/o mom's knowledge or permission! He claims I've been stealing all mom's money (I was her POA too) to force me to prove over 2 yrs of financial accounting where her money went. After spending over 50k on legal fees, we get deadbeat #1 evicted. Just before eviction, he sells all of mom's belongings, claims the washing machine is his in court. When we get to enter the house, someone kicked in the door, smashing it in half and the jambs (it was locked/deadbolted) and the washing machine has been taken! In court, they can't pin it on deadbeat #1 since he wasn't caught in the act. I also was able to prove a chiropractor illegally filed 9 visits to my mom's medicare, the chiropractor admitted guilt by repaying the medicare, but he dodged his deposition (deadbeat #1 uses this chirpractor). During this process, we find that the last sibling, Deadbeat #2, knowing all this information, claimed to support mom "passively", he meant, "if it cost me more than 1 cent, I'm not helping".

Lawsuit #2, estate process (I'm the administrator), I get accused of stealing from the estate that has 2 mortgages. There was a hearing last week, was accusing of stealing 3.5k and not including a stock account left to me via TOD. The judge was astounded that I paid over $50k to keep the estate afloat (just the house was left) and he yelled at deadbeat #1's atty why he even had to hear these objections. Both objections were tossed out. What was he fighting for? He thought I was lying about the existence of any mortgages. He turned our estimated legal bill of 3.5 - 5k into 18k! Payout to each will be 2k instead of 4k.

After all this, deadbeat #1 brainwashed my mom into believing I kicked her out of her house. Her guardian ended up selling it for 220k (est. value 550k) due to non maintenance. Good thing is deadbeat #1 got a wage garnishment by his #1 atty, #2 atty slapped him with an atty lien from his estate proceeds. He's filed chapter 11 and has a bad gambling addiction.

I feel like I dropped 1000 lbs of stress from the last 3 years. I've discovered land trusts are useless, I never again want to be an adminstrator of an estate or be anyone's POA (you can become the target of legal claims). I really wish I was an only child.

 

[audreyh1]

Please tell me I'm not the only person on this board who likes my parents and siblings.

I get along great with all my blood family. We are good friends and really enjoy each other's family even though we don't see each other that often. In my late 20s I established a new relationship with my parents where I saw them as friends rather than me the child. This was because they did not understand my divorce and kept pushing me on a path that was not healthy for me. But once we got through that emotional time, we had the best relationship ever.

Audrey

 

[Orchidflower]

Yes I have disconnected totally from most of them for a variety of reasons (toxic, nasty comments which is this person's style I tolerated way too long and finally threw in the towel; another stole from my mother; another attempted to get my mother to change her Will to her and her daughters, etc.), and this seems to be really pretty common as people get older. I remember when I was younger wondering why so many folks in their 50's just disconnected from their families...until I got there. Then I understood.

A good rule of thumb is: 98% of the families are dysfunctional...and the other 2% are kidding themselves. It's just how much dysfunction or toxicity is worth it to stick around for? When it starts to do much more damage to you than good, it's time to get out...permanently I think. Just IMHO.

If anyone here has ever been in a (psychological) therapeutic setting and spoken with the clients (I had to do this when finishing University for an exercise), it's amazing how many older adults that didn't leave are there because of their crazy mothers/fathers or family. Instead they stick around the toxic relatives and suffer...I just don't get it myself.

I think most of us who have disconnected would secretly love to have a happy, supportive family. Unfortunately, many of us didn't get this situation, and--even tho many won't speak about it--it's more common than not.

 

[Badger]

I have a dirt bag ex-brother who in a better world would be in prison.

Sounds pretty much like a brother I use to claim although I wouldn't have sugar-coated a reference to him like you did. I have no interest in what happens to him. I wouldn't even waste my time to dance on his grave when his time is up.

On the other hand I am still left with a wonderful sister who is honest, trustworthy, and intelligent with high moral fiber. Her husband is the same way. Both fine folks that parents would be proud of.

Cheers!

 

[kumquat]

Please tell me I'm not the only person on this board who likes my parents and siblings.

Well, I like my siblings even though we aren't that close although we get together a few times a year. When my brother need expensive out of country medical treatment, the rest of us were there with our chequebooks (without being asked).

Since my parents have been dead for 40 and 20 years, we never see them.

DW never sees her family, both her parents and all her siblings are also dead.