Has anyone experienced this with a surviving parent?

[irishgal]

I am dealing with something and would appreciate feedback or your own story as it relates or is similar to this--

My mom passed January 15 after a fairly long illness, the past year being pretty tough.
My parents were married for 63 years, uber "traditional" marriage, where he worked and she was a homemaker. My dad literally was unable/unwilling to even make himself a sandwich, let alone dinner, or clean the dishes, etc.

My dad was very angry at my mom once she was not able to get around to make his meals and do things for him--when she got sicker.

So, my sister and I arrived for the memorial. We had, with my bro and SIL done a ton of work on the memorial, pictures, video, etc.
My dad said he did not "want to make it look like she had a fun and easy life". We still don't know what that meant.

A few days before the memorial my dad told my sister and I that "I don't intend to live alone". Further prodding on our part revealed that he has three women friends that apparently he is vetting to be his next spouse/maid/cook whatever. And that he has been working this angle for a couple of years since we knew my mom was terminal.
The day of the services he told us that he was going to take off his wedding ring.

Now he has order us to "clear anything of hers out of the house" ASAP...

I have never had a good relationship with my dad, nor has my sister, think Great Santini type of guy...

I am trying to make sense of all this. Maybe I can't but perhaps some words of wisdom from the members here will help..

Thanks

 

[Whisper66]

Wow - sorry to hear of your situation. Your father at the very least seems to have a very callous attitude about others. From the description, it doesn't sound like there is much you can do other than work with your sister to pick up what each of you wishes to remember your mother by and then move on with your lives. Let your Dad handle the rest so you are exposed as little as possible to the negativity. Again, sorry for your situation. Wish you the best.

 

[UtahSkier]

My dad had 4 wives and many girlfriends after my mother (first wife) died young. I learned to not get particularly attached to the new women as I never knew how long they would be around.

Keep in mind, his life is about his future happiness... not so much about past experiences. He knows what he wants and he will get what he wants.

Following the path of least resistance (doing what he wants) is probably the best way to preserve the relationship... right up to the point where he starts asking for money to maintain his lifestyle and relationships...

 

[REWahoo]

Sorry, I can't offer anything that will help you make sense of it. My advise is to try not to let the actions of your dad interfere with honoring the memory of your mom.

 

[irishgal]

Wow - sorry to hear of your situation. Your father at the very least seems to have a very callous attitude about others. From the description, it doesn't sound like there is much you can do other than work with your sister to pick up what each of you wishes to remember your mother by and then move on with your lives. Let your Dad handle the rest so you are exposed as little as possible to the negativity. Again, sorry for your situation. Wish you the best.

Thank you. Good advice!


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[irishgal]

My dad had 4 wives and many girlfriends after my mother (first wife) died young. I learned to not get particularly attached to the new women as I never knew how long they would be around.

Keep in mind, his life is about his future happiness... not so much about past experiences. He knows what he wants and he will get what he wants.

Following the path of least resistance (doing what he wants) is probably the best way to preserve the relationship... right up to the point where he starts asking for money to maintain his lifestyle and relationships...

Path of least resistance is a great idea and exactly what I've been doing. My sister tries to fight with him. Not good .
Thankfully he has quite a bit of money which is probably why he has old ladies swarming lol.


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[irishgal]

Sorry, I can't offer anything that will help you make sense of it. My advise is to try not to let the actions of your dad interfere with honoring the memory of your mom.

That's helpful. Thanks.

Oh he also decided he did not want to be bothered with their dog, a sweet little papillon female. So I will be taking her back home with me. He would have taken her to the pound.


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[Walt34]

Wow, that's harsh of him and poor treatment of others, including you and your sister.

I would do as he asks, pick up what you want to keep for memories of your mother, and let it go at that. Not much else you can do.

 

[Meadbh]

That is heartbreaking. It seems to me that your mother was probably abused, or at least taken advantage of, for many years. Best to take the dog and your mother's cherished possessions, and leave your father to his own devices. Don't expect an inheritance.

 

[Brat]

My Dad passed before Mom but I saw some of this after he had brain surgery. He expected Mom to wait hand and foot on him notwithstanding her Parkinson's. What I learned is that age, and brain surgery, can cause 'dis-inhibition' essentially magnifying attitudes that where manageable earlier. He too tried to renew an old relationship. She was kind but did not encourage him at all.

Widows often 'bring casseroles' to widowers in an attempt create a relationship. Only the neediest will tolerate being used.

I agree with those who say gather up your Mother's things, and the dog. There is little you can do to change him. That said you should speak to an estate attorney who also practices elder-law as he may not be competent.

 

[irishgal]

My Dad passed before Mom but I saw some of this after he had brain surgery. He expected Mom to wait hand and foot on him notwithstanding her Parkinson's. What I learned is that age, and brain surgery, can cause 'dis-inhibition' essentially magnifying attitudes that where manageable earlier. He too tried to renew an old relationship. She was kind but did not encourage him at all.



Widows often 'bring casseroles' to widowers in an attempt create a relationship. Only the neediest will tolerate being used.



I agree with those who say gather up your Mother's things, and the dog. There is little you can do to change him. That said you should speak to an estate attorney who also practices elder-law as he may not be competent.

Yep I'm sure my dad has always been difficult but as he ages he is clearly getting worse. Going to end up being an angry old man.


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[irishgal]

That is heartbreaking. It seems to me that your mother was probably abused, or at least taken advantage of, for many years. Best to take the dog and your mother's cherished possessions, and leave your father to his own devices. Don't expect an inheritance.

I always worried about how he treated her, she was a fun loving person but after about 20 years with him she became withdrawn and somewhat depressed. Would never admit to anything despite my questioning her.


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[harley]

Wow! He sounds like he is deeply in the anger stage of grieving. I hope that's what it is. It would be best, and is always recommended by the experts, not to make any major changes right away. However, it sounds like he's going to anyway. I don't think there's anything you can do. Maybe step back for awhile, see if he settles down and you can reestablish a relationship later when things aren't so raw. Take the dog and your Mom's stuff that you might want to keep, and see what happens. I'm sorry for your loss (both of them).

 

[splitwdw]

I'm sorry for your loss and what you are going through. It sounds like he's always been this way. My girlfriends grandfather acted similar. He was the boss at home and never did anything for himself. He married a new "maid" not long after his wife passed. But turns out he married the wrong maid, she runs him and everything else. My girlfriend never got along with him, still doesn't.
Hey, there are always more older woman than older men. If you want to date a man you have to have the better casserole! My neighbor had women hitting on him about a month after his wife died.

 

[MBAustin]

I don't have anything helpful to add to the advice you already got here, irishgal. I hope the little dog and other items will give you good memories of your mother in these extra-difficult circumstances.

 

[travelover]

He must be in his 80's, right? Could be a little dementia.

 

[ivinsfan]

Adding the numbers your Dad is probably at least 80+ years.

You know him and I don't, however a few things could be going on here. The "anger" when your Mom got sick could be anxiety about going it alone. Also, there could be mental or emotional,and maybe physical issues that kept him from "getting with the program". Early dementia can lead to really strange things, at my FIL's funeral my MIL acted like she was at a tea party. A dog needs regular on going care and it might be overwhelming to your father. Your Dad might have been convinced he was going to die first and would never have to deal with being alone. He might be scared and uneasy about being alone for the first time in over 60 years.

Then again my favorite quote from my late DM, was" nobody every gets nicer when bad things happen to or around them, their true colors just show up."

I guess you will just need to wait and watch, as it sounds as if your Dad wouldn't be open to intervention by his children anyway. I wouldn't go back and replay your parents lives together, as no one really knows what goes on between two people. I had the same issues as my parents divorced after I reached adulthood and I looked at my whole childhood in a different light, trying to parse the meaning of everything that happened and all it did was unnecessarily ruin some of the good memories.

Let him live his life and if he need help at some point, hopefully he will come to his children.

Sorry for your loss and best wishes for clarity with your Dad

 

[braumeister]

That is heartbreaking. It seems to me that your mother was probably abused, or at least taken advantage of, for many years. Best to take the dog and your mother's cherished possessions, and leave your father to his own devices. Don't expect an inheritance.

+1
I think this is as tough for him (in his own way) as it is for you.

I would keep my distance for a year or so, then see if you might build a new relationship with him. Condolences, and best of luck.

 

[marko]

Yikes.

I've found that many people in their 80's and 90's are often not very sentimental, to say the least. Perhaps the hardships of the Depression created a lot of "every man for himself" and/or just those times brought about some really tough characters.

I've also found that that generation shows emotion quite differently. On his deathbed, I told my grandfather that I loved him. He got all flustered and his answer was "...well, we'll see..." which was a non-reply; he just didn't know how to answer that.

Good luck...it's hard but as you said, you've never had a good relationship with him. Sounds like he's the reason for that.

 

[Marita40]

I agree with others that his anger might be born of fear. Many of us know first hand that a funeral can bring out the worst in families. Certainly, no matter how he regarded your mother during her life, you dad is now facing the prospect of loneliness and his own mortality. No doubt he's shielding by anger or denial a strong and uncomfortable sense of vulnerability. I know when I get frustrated or angry with situations I sometimes want just to turn my back on the entire situation and escape from it--to throw the baby out with the bathwater, as it were. Perhaps your dad is doing this as a type of coping mechanism. I agree with the advice of others here: lay low. Let him do what he wants, be gentle with him, but be firm about protecting your mom's memory. See what happens down the road--grief is a process and better times will no doubt be ahead.

 

[Nemo2]

I told my grandfather that I loved him. He got all flustered and his answer was "...well, we'll see..." which was a non-reply; he just didn't know how to answer that.

DW's father recently turned 90, and has never been 'warm'; when she & I got together, a little over 12 years ago, since I had had no relationship with my parents, I advised her to start hugging him when she/we visited......he was clearly uncomfortable, and she soon stopped doing it.

But, as I told her, you can never be bothered by the worry that "I didn't try", because you did try.

 

[Silver]

He must be in his 80's, right? Could be a little dementia.


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+1

You have described my father very accurately, before and after my mother's death. Except they had a 3 year old cat he wanted to abandon, which I took.

Within 5 years after my mom died, my father was diagnosed with severe dementia and moved in with my husband and I. He lived with us for almost five years, until I could no longer care for him at home. The narcissitic behavior was there throughout his life, but became much worse as his dementia progressed.

There isn't much to do except perhaps hope that a nice lady decides to care for him. I hoped that for my father.....but he was to mean to successfully attract anyone for long.

I am so sorry. It was a very, very hard time in my life, and contributed to a divorce. I wish much more peace and success for you.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I agree with others that his anger might be born of fear. Many of us know first hand that a funeral can bring out the worst in families. Certainly, no matter how he regarded your mother during her life, you dad is now facing the prospect of loneliness and his own mortality. No doubt he's shielding by anger or denial a strong and uncomfortable sense of vulnerability. I know when I get frustrated or angry with situations I sometimes want just to turn my back on the entire situation and escape from it--to throw the baby out with the bathwater, as it were. Perhaps your dad is doing this as a type of coping mechanism. I agree with the advice of others here: lay low. Let him do what he wants, be gentle with him, but be firm about protecting your mom's memory. See what happens down the road--grief is a process and better times will no doubt be ahead.

You said what I started to write but better than I could have myself.


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[rodi]

My dad had a similar - but not as extreme reaction. My mom had ovarian cancer which meant 3 years of chemo, caretaking, and having to learn some life skills. My mom made an effort to "teach" dad to grocery shop, do laundry, and cook basics even though dad was a reluctant student. She did this while she was still able, before she got too sick.

After she passed dad admitted he had started the mourning process a few years earlier... and was relieved when she passed. He was also terribly lonely.

In our case - because he wasn't as gruff as your dad - my sister and I understood. He started seeking dates about 5 months after mom died. He met my stepmom 9 months after mom died. In our case, we were very fortunate, my stepmom was/is AWESOME. Dad died 5 years later, but we still have a strong relationship with her.

When I say "we" - I mean my sister and myself. My brother, who lived in another state, did not have the same conversations with dad. He was incredibly angry when dad met our stepmom. Unfortunately, they stopped talking to each other over this because bro was angry about stepmom. No communication between them for 5 years.... until the week they both (brother and dad) got terminal cancer diagnosis. Both were dead a few months later - but did talk and forgive each other before they died.

I agree with the folks that your dad is probably reacting based on fear and loneliness. He dealt with your mom's illness on a daily basis and probably started the mourning process before she died (like my dad did.) Too bad he's so gruff about it all.

I am so sorry for your loss of your mother.

 

[Act2]

First of all, thank you for starting this thread. I can relate to much of what you are sharing.

My Mom passed recently, and while my parents did love each other deeply I had heard him say years ago that he would marry again if Mom died first because, as he put it, 'Who is going to take care of me?' Mom on the other hand said she would never have contemplated marrying again. I do fault him for having said it in front of her, as it made her cry, but she did not hold a grudge on that. She has seen many people have trouble grieving and then benefit emotionally from late in life relationships, even second marriages.

From right after she passed, he's been wanting her things out of the home. I found it distressing at first, but am trying to understand. He does not criticize her or speak disrespectfully of her, but does not want her things around. But he also dislikes intrusions into his space and so some of it is that while some of it is probably wanting fewer reminders of her right now.

I agree with other commenters that that you should retrieve all of her things that mean anything at all to you, and rescue the dog.

While it is hard for me to watch this with my Dad, I know that they had a long marriage and even though it was 'old school' they mutually loved, and sometimes mutually annoyed, one another. I accept that he faithfully fulfilled his vows, until death did they part. And that was the deal. I cannot demand more than she did, as I see it.

I will say that the ladies are nice to him, and maybe he'll make a lady friend or more. I am trying to be open-minded and as long as he (and any lady in his life) remains respectful to my Mom's memory I think I will be relatively ok.

I think he is hurting, he is lonely, he feels alone. And he wants someone taking care of him. I think that is very human, though it's not easy on us 'kids'.

Also, he has done an amazing job of learning a lot of things that only Mom could do when she was alive and healthy.



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