Friends and family can’t relate

[AS2019]

I know this has been discussed previously, so this is really just me venting.

In the past few years I’ve decided that I just don’t want to work much longer. My career just no longer interests me, to the point of making me mildly depressed at having to go to work every day. It really has become a struggle, and for my own mental well being I need to retire. I’m on the cusp of FI, and honestly I could retire today, but want to save just a little more money so that I don’t have to decrease my post RE spending very much.

I’ve been working very hard at downsizing, cutting expenses, redistributing savings, etc. A large portion of my mental activity revolves around setting myself up for RE.

The irritating part is that this thing (FIRE) that is very important to me, occupies a lot of my thoughts, drives my actions, simply cannot be discussed with anyone. My friends either can’t relate or just don’t want to talk about it because they aren’t anywhere close to being able to retire. My family members either think I’m crazy or are jealous. My mother, whom I’ve always been very honest with about my financial situation, just got remarried. When I had the usual finance conversation with her, I could feel the resentment from my new step father, as if he thought I was just bragging about it. So now I can’t even discuss this with my mother any more.

It’s just frustrating that family and people that I consider good friends really are not interested in hearing about something that is very important to me, while I always try to show interest in whatever they are passionate about.

Thanks for listening. Lol

 

[pb4uski]

If you care to, why not discuss it with your mother without your step-father being present?

 

[Jerry1]

You found us. You can discuss it here all you want.

 

[SumDay]

I hear ya! Luckily we live in an almost all over-55 community, so I can discuss with the neighbors since most of them already are retired. But I can't discuss with anyone else - jealousy really rears its ugly head.

Also, while still on the payroll, I took advantage of the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) and got five no-cost sessions with a social worker who specializes in over-55 folks. Sometimes it's just good to have someone to bounce things off, and she's also helped me map out what I want to do with myself after my last day of employment.

Good luck. Kind of sad to have something so exciting in the horizon and you almost feel guilty about it, huh?

 

[Teacher Terry]

When we retired a couple that was 10 years older than us got really jealous and our 16 year friendship didn’t survive. They work from home and always said they never wanted to retire. I was 58. She left me a message at work telling me not to do it. It was really weird and they were jealous of our small pensions despite inheritances which we never had.

 

[kgtest]

I know this has been discussed previously, so this is really just me venting.

In the past few years I’ve decided that I just don’t want to work much longer. My career just no longer interests me, to the point of making me mildly depressed at having to go to work every day. It really has become a struggle, and for my own mental well being I need to retire. I’m on the cusp of FI, and honestly I could retire today, but want to save just a little more money so that I don’t have to decrease my post RE spending very much.

I’ve been working very hard at downsizing, cutting expenses, redistributing savings, etc. A large portion of my mental activity revolves around setting myself up for RE.

The irritating part is that this thing (FIRE) that is very important to me, occupies a lot of my thoughts, drives my actions, simply cannot be discussed with anyone. My friends either can’t relate or just don’t want to talk about it because they aren’t anywhere close to being able to retire. My family members either think I’m crazy or are jealous. My mother, whom I’ve always been very honest with about my financial situation, just got remarried. When I had the usual finance conversation with her, I could feel the resentment from my new step father, as if he thought I was just bragging about it. So now I can’t even discuss this with my mother any more.

It’s just frustrating that family and people that I consider good friends really are not interested in hearing about something that is very important to me, while I always try to show interest in whatever they are passionate about.

Thanks for listening. Lol

I've had mixed reactions discussing FIRE. I am in my 30s. A lot of people say "good luck" with an eye roll. Other's get noticeably irritated when discussing money and finance, and others will share the goal.

I think there are three camps...

1. Those who understand what it takes to FIRE and work towards it
2. Those who do not understand FIRE and have trouble discussing finance
3. Those who do not understand FIRE, got lucky, have lots of money but also don't understand the mechanics but also don't really need to.

I don't talk to a lot of my struggling friends about my FIRE desires. I may mention something like don't forget to save some for tomorrow. Even that statement can irritate people so I generally just don't speak about it.

Most do not believe me or don't care when I mention it. The older folks tend to take the side of "what will you do when you get bored?"

I think being free to do what I want for an extra 15 years beyond FRA will give me plenty of time to settle any boredom.

 

[EastWest Gal]

OP, your post is exactly why many of us hang out here.

 

[Nemo2]

Not quite sure why you feel the need to talk about it to people who have expressed a complete lack of interest, (perhaps your friends/family perceive it as bragging?).

If your numbers work...I'd say do it...but don't discuss it.

 

[Bamaman]

True friends and relatives should be proud that you have had personal success and lived below your means long enough to obtain financial independence. There should be no hint of jealousy.

And just because someone has ER, everyone should've proud of them. It just gives more time in life to do good for others in a charity way.

 

[Lawrencewendall]

OP, your post is exactly why many of us hang out here.

 

[CaliKid]

We simply don't talk about it with anybody in real life. That's what websites like this are for! Even once I fully retire I might pretend I am still "consulting."

 

[easysurfer]

Some folks don't understand unless they are in the same situation.

When I FIRE'd about 10 years ago, I had friends and family questioning my decision. They couldn't understand the "I'm ready to call it a career part." Fast forward several years. A friend who did some questioning and has since retired herself now talks about how great retirement is and wouldn't have things any other way. Some family members who are still working say to me "gosh, wish they were retired like me."

 

[Aerides]

If the message is loud and clear that they'd rather not hear about it, that should be your clear sign.

Let's pretend it's not ER and finances, but say, running. Runners love to talk about running. People who don't run don't care and don't want to hear about it. It's totally boring to anyone that doesn't run. PRs, pronation, newest shoes, new routes, that new gel for long runs - if you don't run you don't care. If you do, you know better than to talk about running with non-runner friends. Or you learn very quickly, hopefully.

So, this is like talking about running but also saddled with finances and competition and economic one-up-man-ship (which is inherent in most anything to do with money), so even more reasonable to avoid.

One thing: You mention several times how ER and finances occupy a lot of your time and thoughts. Perhaps that's a bit much, and perhaps it would help you to think about it less, and then even want to talk about it less?

 

[Franklin]

Totally understand this issue. Personally I quit work at 62 and had the $ to make it work out. Most friends and family (whom are still working or can’t retire financially) think something is wrong with me. I’ve heard a million time now the question “ when r u going back to work”. I’ve found this site provides the discussion and understanding you are seeking. Welcome to the group.

 

[B0bL0blaw]

I've had mixed reactions discussing FIRE. I am in my 30s. A lot of people say "good luck" with an eye roll. Other's get noticeably irritated when discussing money and finance, and others will share the goal.

I think there are three camps...

1. Those who understand what it takes to FIRE and work towards it
2. Those who do not understand FIRE and have trouble discussing finance
3. Those who do not understand FIRE, got lucky, have lots of money but also don't understand the mechanics but also don't really need to.

I don't talk to a lot of my struggling friends about my FIRE desires. I may mention something like don't forget to save some for tomorrow. Even that statement can irritate people so I generally just don't speak about it.

Most do not believe me or don't care when I mention it. The older folks tend to take the side of "what will you do when you get bored?"

I think being free to do what I want for an extra 15 years beyond FRA will give me plenty of time to settle any boredom.

I think your post reveals a little blind spot. You think that nobody could possibly "understand" FIRE and just not want to do it or decide that it's not for them. Why is that?

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Discussing FIRE is why I spend too much time online. We joined our real life senior clubs when we turned 55 but really most of the other people are 70 or older. Only a small portion of the people we know have retired early and many of the ones that did ER moved to lower cost of living areas. We have more in common with the older seniors in our area these days than we do with the people our age who work all week. And nobody in the senior clubs resents us being retired because they are all retired, too.

 

[AS2019]

If the message is loud and clear that they'd rather not hear about it, that should be your clear sign.

Let's pretend it's not ER and finances, but say, running. Runners love to talk about running. People who don't run don't care and don't want to hear about it. It's totally boring to anyone that doesn't run. PRs, pronation, newest shoes, new routes, that new gel for long runs - if you don't run you don't care. If you do, you know better than to talk about running with non-runner friends. Or you learn very quickly, hopefully.

So, this is like talking about running but also saddled with finances and competition and economic one-up-man-ship (which is inherent in most anything to do with money), so even more reasonable to avoid.

One thing: You mention several times how ER and finances occupy a lot of your time and thoughts. Perhaps that's a bit much, and perhaps it would help you to think about it less, and then even want to talk about it less?

Excellent point and you’re right - I don’t want to hear every last detail about your running experiences because it’s not one of my interests. But if I knew that it was really important to you, I wouldn’t mind if you talked about it occasionally.

I guess money and finances are just a difficult topic of conversation no matter what.

As for thinking about it too much, you’re right about that as well!

 

[ER Eddie]

OP, just one comment. I noticed that you said you weren't able to talk with your mother about it anymore because her new husband got upset. You said you guessed he was probably envious, which may be true. He's much older than you and has just assumed increased financial responsibility by marrying, which will likely keep him working longer. So envy may be a possibility. But also, he may believe "real men work," so he's getting judgmental about a younger man not doing what a man should do.

In any event, that sounds squarely like his issue. I'm not sure why that should stop you from talking to your mother about your plans/concerns. Unless she makes it clear she isn't comfortable with it, I don't see any reason to cede the ground to him, just because he's got insecurities.

 

[Newventurer]

It’s like telling everyone that you won the lottery and expecting them to be happy for you when they know they will not share in any of the benefits. Some don’t like being shown that it is possible and it forces them to face their own behavior, others will never have the chance for other reasons.

Being concerned with what other people think, probably keeps some working longer

 

[Doribe]

We don't live in a society that talks about personal finances and wealth. That is one reason this forum is so valuable. People are naturally curious about other peoples finances. Some people are jealous. Then there are also predators. Real Life is not the place to discuss FIRE.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Somebody famous has a quote about good human relationship skills mean always making others feel important. Talking about ER to people who can't can have the opposite effect of making them feel important so in my experience it is a tread carefully kind of topic:

 

[CaliKid]

Very few of your friends or family really want to know how you are doing financially... especially if you are doing "better" than them. No matter if lotto, inheritance or just frugal living. They don't want to know and being reminded of your "wealth" is seen as showing off by a lot of people. Best to be as quiet as you can about your plans.

 

[Helena]

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Don't let negative feedback from others faze you... do what is right for YOU !

 

[Helena]

Very few of your friends or family really want to know how you are doing financially... especially if you are doing "better" than them. No matter if lotto, inheritance or just frugal living. They don't want to know and being reminded of your "wealth" is seen as showing off by a lot of people. Best to be as quiet as you can about your plans.

Speaking of frugal living... that was a big part of my being able to retire at age 55.

Over the decades I knew her, from time to time I would share my frugal tips with one
of my coworker friends. She would ridicule me and continued to live beyond her means.

Today, I've been happily retired for 11 years with my nest egg still growing and she is
flat broke and has recently declared bankruptcy.

 

[Souschef]

We do not discuss our situation with anyone. Living in a +55 community, it is assumed you are retired, as are most of the people here.
For the past few years, I have been giving part of my RMD to our 4 sons on their birthdays. In the note I include with the check, they are told that all 4 get the same amount.
Since SS and our pensions cover about 8/0% of our expenses, my IRA has been growing.to a point where I cannot spend it all But nobody knows this. I told our sons I would rather give them the money now when they have growing families, then wait until they inherit it.