Divorce?

[tomorrowsomewherenew]

Any update?

I'm pretty familiar with the ATC work schedule. My sister and her husband are both ATC and they are always on a crazy schedule--overnights, early mornings, late nights, you name it, they work it.

I can also relate to your day to day situation, as I've got a little one at home. My best suggestion is to hang in there. Literally day-to-day. Make the best of life right now. You are both severely sleep deprived, but that won't last forever. The older one will eventually start pre-school, and then a year or two later, the younger one will as well. It gets easier. Really. I honestly think that 95% of your problem is that neither of you have any free time to pursue your own interests, and neither of you are getting any sleep. That will make anyone difficult to deal with. In a week things will probably be easier than they are now, and in a month, and in 6 months. You get the picture.

Oh, and I wouldn't have any more kids right now. (Duh) You've got your hands full with as much as you can handle. If you want another one, you still have time.

[ATC Guy]

Wow so much great advice! Thank you so much to everyone. After hearing everyone's advice I think it boils down to the stage of life we are in with two very little kids. We ARE in survival mode but we are working better lately as a team.

I got her to accept that she needs a break every once in a while and she is going to leave the house and do whatever she wants for a few hours per week while I watch the kids (been trying to get her to do this since our 2nd was born).

Using some of the experiences I've read about on this thread, I can envision the light at the end of the tunnel (perhaps years ahead, but nevertheless). Times are hard now, both kids require help with everything from wiping their butts, feeding them every bite of every meal, keeping them entertained, and helping them sleep at night. It's mentally and physically exhausting. But it's great to hear and be reminded that it won't be that way forever.

Bottom line, this thread has been very therapeutic for me and has helped me look at our situation with a fresh perspective. My attitude change I think has already helped out marital situation. Thanks again to those who provided input/advice/experience!

[ATC Guy]

To the person who suggested we stop the myth that having children is easy and the best thing that can happen, I had to laugh. Although a lot of truth in that, the human race may become extinct very quickly!

[W2R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy To the person who suggested we stop the myth that having children is easy and the best thing that can happen, I had to laugh. Although a lot of truth in that, the human race may become extinct very quickly!

So true! On the other hand, I also agree that raising kids can be so much more difficult than one is led to believe, beforehand. I salute anyone who does a good, responsible job of raising their child or children. It can be a very tough row to hoe sometimes.

And then at around 18 or so, they are grown and gone and guess what? Even though life settles down, you might miss them. Weird!

[Bestwifeever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy Wow so much great advice! Thank you so much to everyone. After hearing everyone's advice I think it boils down to the stage of life we are in with two very little kids. We ARE in survival mode but we are working better lately as a team. I got her to accept that she needs a break every once in a while and she is going to leave the house and do whatever she wants for a few hours per week while I watch the kids (been trying to get her to do this since our 2nd was born). Using some of the experiences I've read about on this thread, I can envision the light at the end of the tunnel (perhaps years ahead, but nevertheless). Times are hard now, both kids require help with everything from wiping their butts, feeding them every bite of every meal, keeping them entertained, and helping them sleep at night. It's mentally and physically exhausting. But it's great to hear and be reminded that it won't be that way forever. Bottom line, this thread has been very therapeutic for me and has helped me look at our situation with a fresh perspective. My attitude change I think has already helped out marital situation. Thanks again to those who provided input/advice/experience!

So glad to read this followup. Hang in there!

New unsolicited and corny advice: Try calling her "honey" or something like that all the time, especially whenever you ask her about something, btw--I find when I do that with DH it preempts a kneejerk reaction to the request on both our parts.

[Nodak]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bestwifeever So glad to read this followup. Hang in there! New unsolicited and corny advice: Try calling her "honey" or something like that all the time, especially whenever you ask her about something, btw--I find when I do that with DH it preempts a kneejerk reaction to the request on both our parts.

+1

[Milton]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy To the person who suggested we stop the myth that having children is easy and the best thing that can happen, I had to laugh. Although a lot of truth in that, the human race may become extinct very quickly!

Precious little chance of that happening! The world population has exceeded seven billion, and keeps climbing.

The earth can support only so many people. We need a few good wars, floods and famines to fix the overpopulation problem before it gets further out of control.

[Sarah in SC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bestwifeever So glad to read this followup. Hang in there! New unsolicited and corny advice: Try calling her "honey" or something like that all the time, especially whenever you ask her about something, btw--I find when I do that with DH it preempts a kneejerk reaction to the request on both our parts.

Awww, I start just about every text to my DH with "sweetie". Now I know why.

[Dreamer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy Bottom line, this thread has been very therapeutic for me and has helped me look at our situation with a fresh perspective. My attitude change I think has already helped out marital situation. Thanks again to those who provided input/advice/experience!

I was so happy to read this. An attitude change can make a huge difference. Life can be tough when you have little ones and are working. They really will be gone so quickly, so enjoy them while you can. Good luck with everything.

[sirsavesalot]

I was in a very similar situation to yours. We've been together since we were 17 and are now 36. We have two children and my wife stays home with them. It was very stressful for the first few years and my wife really resented that I was able to get out and go to work every day and she is stuck at home. Over time, that should change as the stress should decrease for her and she will be more like the woman you remember. You need to remember, the second that child was born she turned into a mother, which is a big change. I know you also turned into a father, but from my experience, the mother really gets hit hard with that change. Don't worry, give it time and things will work out.

Now that our kids are 4 and 6 and are pretty self-sufficient and life is so much easier. I used to dread the weekends and coming home from work, from a stress perspective. Now, I can't wait to get home and spend time with just the four of us. They are fun when they're young, but once you can really interact with them they are a blast. Sure, they can still make you plenty mad but in the big picture it's all worth it.

I'm very glad to read that your perspective has changed. A great attitude is a very valuable thing in life and can completely change your outlook at mood. Hang in there!

[ATC Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sirsavesalot Now that our kids are 4 and 6 and are pretty self-sufficient and life is so much easier. I used to dread the weekends and coming home from work, from a stress perspective. Now, I can't wait to get home and spend time with just the four of us. They are fun when they're young, but once you can really interact with them they are a blast. Sure, they can still make you plenty mad but in the big picture it's all worth it.

This perspective helps a ton! Thank you. This is exactly how I feel most days with two under 2. Despite a stressful job, I dread going home and don't necessarily look forward to weekends, most of the time because it is like walking into a war zone. I've always hoped that that changes when they get older but it is nice to hear it from the other side of the coin.

[Milton]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy I dread going home and don't necessarily look forward to weekends, most of the time because it is like walking into a war zone.

Wow. Sounds pretty awful.

[Newventurer]

since this is an investing related site...

Think of divorce as selling everything when the market is down. All you have are the memories of how good those stocks once looked and the disappointment of how things didn't turn out the way you fantasized.

So there your assets sit in cash. At first it seems warm and safe. Then you realize you are only making 1/2 of 1% interest on your assets. You begin to regret that you have given up too quickly and in doing so pissed away 3%-4% in dividends, and likely an improved asset value eventually, if you had just stuck with it.

The down market does not last forever but the regret of irreversible mistakes lives on forever.

Don't be that guy

Disclosure - I have been that guy

[utrecht]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Newventurer since this is an investing related site... Think of divorce as selling everything when the market is down. All you have are the memories of how good those stocks once looked and the disappointment of how things didn't turn out the way you fantasized. So there your assets sit in cash. At first it seems warm and safe. Then you realize you are only making 1/2 of 1% interest on your assets. You begin to regret that you have given up too quickly and in doing so pissed away 3%-4% in dividends, and likely an improved asset value eventually, if you had just stuck with it. The down market does not last forever but the regret of irreversible mistakes lives on forever. Don't be that guy Disclosure - I have been that guy

I will play the other side and say that staying in a relationship where you dread going home because it feels like a war zone and dont look forward to weekends is like holding on to a dog of a stock because you feel like it will go back up sooner or later, meanwhile you are potentially missing out on gains on a different stock with more potential.

[Newventurer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by utrecht I will play the other side and say that staying in a relationship where you dread going home because it feels like a war zone and dont look forward to weekends is like holding on to a dog of a stock because you feel like it will go back up sooner or later, meanwhile you are potentially missing out on gains on a different stock with more potential.

...and insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. As we have learned from the OP accepting responsibility and changing ones behavior can and apparently has made all the difference. YMMV

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy This perspective helps a ton! Thank you. This is exactly how I feel most days with two under 2. Despite a stressful job, I dread going home and don't necessarily look forward to weekends, most of the time because it is like walking into a war zone. I've always hoped that that changes when they get older but it is nice to hear it from the other side of the coin.

I think he is referring to the fact that he has a 2 year old and an infant at home the combination of their physical needs and the constant work and lack of sleep is the "war zone" He's just looking for some light at the end of tunnel.


Anyone who has lived this recognizes it's somewhat temporary, unless you want a very large family.

[Chuckanut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan I think he is referring to the fact that he has a 2 year old and an infant at home the combination of their physical needs and the constant work and lack of sleep is the "war zone" He's just looking for some light at the end of tunnel. Anyone who has lived this recognizes it's somewhat temporary, unless you want a very large family.

+1,000,000

The poor parent can never let down his/her guard. Especially, with a two year old who can climb like a monkey and seems impervious to falls, bang-ups and smashups that would send adults to the ER. Of course, the tunnel does end at some point.

[foxfirev5]

As a long time spouse and parent/grandparent and long time plodder you will have rough patches. After 38 years of marriage and 36 years with same employer sometimes it worth it. As the bogleheads say "Stay the Course". Even though their leader doesn't always practice what he preaches. But I digress.

[Hermit]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sirsavesalot ... Now that our kids are 4 and 6 and are pretty self-sufficient and life is so much easier. I used to dread the weekends and coming home from work, from a stress perspective. Now, I can't wait to get home and spend time with just the four of us. They are fun when they're young, but once you can really interact with them they are a blast. Sure, they can still make you plenty mad but in the big picture it's all worth it....

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy This perspective helps a ton! Thank you. This is exactly how I feel most days with two under 2. Despite a stressful job, I dread going home and don't necessarily look forward to weekends, most of the time because it is like walking into a war zone. I've always hoped that that changes when they get older but it is nice to hear it from the other side of the coin.

Wow. What a different experience than mine. Those days and up to the mid teen years were some of the best memories of my life. Our kids were 13 months apart. I read them a story and rocked them to sleep, one in each arm, every night when they were tiny and also remember when they were a little older when I came in from work one would be sitting on one shoe and one on the other for a "ride" into the house. I wore out the knees of a lot of Dockers when they were small. Sorry to hear you guys are missing out on all that joy.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hermit Wow. What a different experience than mine. Those days and up to the mid teen years were some of the best memories of my life. Our kids were 13 months apart. I read them a story and rocked them to sleep, one in each arm, every night when they were tiny and also remember when they were a little older when I came in from work one would be sitting on one shoe and one on the other for a "ride" into the house. I wore out the knees of a lot of Dockers when they were small. Sorry to hear you guys are missing out on all that joy.

Oh there is definitely "joy in the journey" and the difficult times seem to fade in the background. I realized that when my adult daughters who are both mothers would ask, did I do this, how did you ever get enough sleep, was I a picky eater, how much did I cry.. and I wouldn't remember most of the bad stuff. They were no angels but I forgot a lot of the rough stuff.