Tacky new wedding trend: Why newlyweds aren’t sending thank yous

[pjigar]

It does not sound weird at all. Essentially weddings were a big party. The guests could give what they wanted, or could afford, or nothing at all. But somebody had to bankroll that wedding - I assume they got thanked.

Don't get me wrong, every gift (small and big) was appreciated and everyone knew it collectively but it was not expressed individually.

Did you get married that way? It must have been a huge event.

I was not married in my town but still we had 300 guests.

The newlyweds likely went to the next couples marriage ceremony and gave what they could, expecting nothing in return. In a town of 10,000 that works, and is a wonderful thing.

Indeed. If fact everyone supported every wedding they attend according to their ability. It was more of a pay it forward based sentiment. One didn't expect anything back other than a feeling you got knowing that you did your part.

 

[Car-Guy]

I was thinking about this thread when I recalled another situation that came up in our past. If it's a family member or close friend getting married, we always send a "generous" check. (For the first wedding). But many have been married 2 or more times over the years. For us, it's one and done. I think if a marriage ended due to the "passing of a spouse", we would send another check for the next wedding, but that's has not happen yet.

I do have a new rule - gift for the first marriage, but no gift for a second or third.

EDIT: Me too, except it's an old rule for us.

 

[dknighd]

It was more of a pay it forward based sentiment. One didn't expect anything back other than a feeling you got knowing that you did your part.

A good way to live. Do unto others...

 

[Sue J]

How about wine glasses? We received about a dozen sets when we married 40 years ago. 6 sets still survive .

We received 2 sets of wine glasses at our wedding in 1976. One set was average kitchen ware the other set was finer glassware. They hardly got used so when we had a yard sale in the late 1990s we put the box of cheap ones out for sale.

Years later when we needed to get our wineglasses out for an occasion we realized we had switched the boxes and had sold the nice ones in the box from the cheap ones!

Oh, well. Nice buy for someone. I still don't like wine.

Back to Thank You notes..... I know the current etiquette for the time frame is a couple of months. I always felt that it needed an acknowledgment sooner than that. I took our list of gifts and notes on our honeymoon and wrote a few when I had free time. I did the rest within the first month. I felt better knowing I had taken care of that.

 

[athena53]

I agree.
I do have a new rule - gift for the first marriage, but no gift for a second or third.

DH and I did that for our wedding- my second, his third, we were combining 2 households. We specifically requested no gifts but suggested a donation to the charity of the guest's choice if they were so moved. Of course a few people felt they had to do something- I have a pair of elegant martini glasses that we never used (he was a martini drinker but just preferred a regular tumbler, I wasn't at all). I can't even get rid of them as Free Stuff on Craigslist.

 

[Katiek]

Generally I'm fine with a text or a call as a thank you from younger relatives. As others have mentioned, if I mail something, I like to know that it actually got there, but i'm not a stickler about format. I'd also rather they send something quick than wait to write something more formal that keeps getting delayed.


But for more formal events like a wedding, I do appreciate a more formal thank you, and so far my friends and relatives have kept up with the "thank you" tradition.

 

[tryan]

Last wedding I went to was completely paperless .... wedding portal sent electronic invites and managed the RSVP process. Gifts were accepted via registry or cash via Venmo.

Didn't get a thank-you and I didn't care. Venmo told me they got the loot.

 

[tmm99]

When you receive a gift in person, you say "Thank you." I expect the same thing if I ship a gift or drop off a gift. You don't have to send a thank you note. Via emails, phone calls, whatever. If I hear nothing back, I won't be giving you any more gifts. That applies to kids, nieces/nephews, whomever.

 

[Koolau]

Yes it would. But I think this custom might have born due to historical impracticality of returning thank you to a large group. In a small town of 10,000 people where I grew up, wedding "invitations" we given out in "bulk". It is kind of hard to explain but I would try. A special "agent" of host will literally go street to street and shout "Mr. X is son/daughter Y is getting married on ABC date. If you are related to host then please attend the wedding". Most people knew each other by name so if you are invited then you would know from the announcement. The close family and friends were invited directly by host visiting them personally or writing a letter/card. So with that system, a typical wedding in my town would have been around 1000-2000 guests.
a. Its a lot of people
b. You don't even know addresses for a lot of them!

I know this sounds weird but that is how weddings worked where I grew up. Now things are much more formal. A proper invitation card is sent out to almost every invitee but still a large attendance.

Post a big "THANK YOU" note on each of these places: The "General Store", the Post Office pick up station, the three church denominations in town and the Bank. You'll catch 95% of the people.

 

[Koolau]

DH and I did that for our wedding- my second, his third, we were combining 2 households. We specifically requested no gifts but suggested a donation to the charity of the guest's choice if they were so moved. Of course a few people felt they had to do something- I have a pair of elegant martini glasses that we never used (he was a martini drinker but just preferred a regular tumbler, I wasn't at all). I can't even get rid of them as Free Stuff on Craigslist.

Fine crystal and elegant china seem to have fallen out of favor in the past 20 years. One day when it comes back into vogue, people will wonder why other people threw that stuff away. YMMV.

 

[Koolau]

When you receive a gift in person, you say "Thank you." I expect the same thing if I ship a gift or drop off a gift. You don't have to send a thank you note. Via emails, phone calls, whatever. If I hear nothing back, I won't be giving you any more gifts. That applies to kids, nieces/nephews, whomever.

This would be a good time for parents of the newlyweds to educate their kids about good manners and appropriate behavior for young adults starting out. As you see, I tend to blame the parents as they've let their kids "devolve" in the area of manners. Or am I displaying poor manners in pointing out the responsibilities of the previous generation(s)?

 

[Gumby]

Fine crystal and elegant china seem to have fallen out of favor in the past 20 years. One day when it comes back into vogue, people will wonder why other people threw that stuff away. YMMV.

When the young wife and I married, she picked out a China pattern by Dansk - Christianhavn Blue. We got some place settings for wedding gifts and bought some of it ourselves. We're still using it almost 40 years later. Of course pieces get broken over the years, but recently we have been seeing it in the Goodwill. So now, I think we have more of it than we ever have.

Here's a picture:

 

[Car-Guy]

The DW got a full set of really nice China, Crystal and Silverware for our wedding. Eight place settings IIRC. I think we've used it four or five times in the past ~45 years. (About once a decade) So it should last us a while.

 

[Gumby]

We use ours every single day and always have. In fact, that is the story of our life. Except for things like paintings on the wall, we don't have anything "just for show". That's one of the ways we we're able to retire -- we never bought things that we wouldn't use regularly.

 

[Car-Guy]

I prefer these for everyday use. I'm sure the environmentalist are going to jump all over me for this one.

 

[Gumby]

Too hard to put in the dishwasher.

 

[Car-Guy]

^^^^


Actually we do have some everyday dishes, etc made out of some sort of indestructible material. (Looks a lot like the ones in your picture above) We have had our set for 15 or 20 years and they still look new. And we really do use throwaways occasionally.

 

[aja8888]

^^^^


Actually we do have some everyday dishes, etc made out of some sort of indestructible material. (Looks a lot like the ones in your picture above) We have had our set for 15 or 20 years and they still look new. And we really do use throwaways occasionally.

I am in the process of moving into my new, 1,459 square foot house and still unpacking stuff. When I moved out of our house after my wife died, I thought I got rid of a good bit of "stuff". The china and silverware went to daughter #2, the entire dining room furniture went to one of the step daughters. The other step daughter took many of the antiques and stuff her Mom cherished. Tons of other stuff went to a Woman's shelter and resale shop.....etc.

What I just unpacked today was the "daily" use" dinnerware (heavy stuff, like ceramic)......a service for 12 set......that is now a service for 4. Gone are all the accessories like the sugar and creamer set, the butter dish, and salt and pepper shakers and the 8 sets of plates, salad dishes, cups and saucers.

 

[REWahoo]

Yes, each time we have moved we have done what we thought was some serious culling before packing up. Every time we arrived at our new location and started unpacking we found ourselves repeatedly asking, "Why the h*ll did we move THIS?"

 

[Midpack]

The DW got a full set of really nice China, Crystal and Silverware for our wedding. Eight place settings IIRC. I think we've used it four or five times in the past ~45 years. (About once a decade) So it should last us a while.

We had a similar Fitz & Floyd Renaissance Black On Buff w Gold fine china set with 8 place settings and all the matching serving dishes. We literally used it 3 times, carefully hand washing after use. We were afraid to use it! Finally after almost 40 years moving it all around, we sold all of it to https://www.replacements.com/ - we were pleasantly surprised with what they paid.

 

[Sangiovese]

I agree.
I do have a new rule - gift for the first marriage, but no gift for a second or third.

We know several couples who had a small courthouse wedding and small reception for local family and friends. Then, they had a larger reception and a church wedding months (or years) later for extended family/friends. We are invited to both. Do we give gifts twice? So far, we have done so but I admit that I'm not happy about the second gift.

 

[Koolau]

When the young wife and I married, she picked out a China pattern by Dansk - Christianhavn Blue. We got some place settings for wedding gifts and bought some of it ourselves. We're still using it almost 40 years later. Of course pieces get broken over the years, but recently we have been seeing it in the Goodwill. So now, I think we have more of it than we ever have.

Here's a picture:

Simple and elegant. My mom's stuff - heh, heh, that we never used - was some tiny little flowered pattern in (probably) bone china or some such. It would break if you sneezed (hence, not to be used by kids.) SO, we were the ones that tried to sell it and eventually gave it to Goodwill or some such.



Yours is better.

 

[Koolau]

I prefer these for everyday use. I'm sure the environmentalist are going to jump all over me for this one.

Very fancy. Ours is similar, except ours came from take out and doesn't have the elegant "matched look." The environmentalists would be proud of us as we typically wash/reuse most of our plastic ware. YMMV