Re: ER with a working wife-- the best kind!!!
dog_leg said:
Here lies my problem, my wife is just at the peak of her career and she will keep working, bringing in a good salary and health insur.
What kind of ride can I expect, to ER with a working spouse?
(E.g. Going to the salt mines while I goof-off at home - partnership thing.)
Welcome to the board, dog_leg!
Golly, it sure can be a "problem". As all of us ERs on this board will attest, soon you can expect frequent requests for uninhibited & prolonged wild sex. You have to be careful, though, because some of them may come from your spouse. She may even want you to participate.
OK, I'm kidding. It doesn't happen to EVERYONE on this board. Or at least not too frequently.
Seriously, though, let's assume that you have the finances covered and that your FIRECalc plans won't be completely disrupted if your spouse's megacorp
also unexpectedly ditches her. If your ER success is totally dependent on her income & healthcare insurance (or would be destroyed by her lack of same) then you might want to consider yet another career change or part-time employment for yourself as a backup source of income. Even if you're not completely independent of her income, maybe at least you'll have an understanding that she'll be carrying the employment burden until you're totally FI (which would include being able to buy your own health insurance).
If you're the kind of "guy" (and I use that word in its pejorative sense) who is accustomed to having your every domestic need swiftly, silently, & uncomplainingly fulfilled by your wife, then your old life is OVER. Your lifespan may even be drastically shortened by your disgruntled spouse if new labor agreements aren't quickly negotiated. In fact if you've ever been that type of guy, then your spouse may have been waiting all her life for just this moment to cast you in the role with which she's become all too familiar. Now SHE'S bringing home the big bucks and vengeance is sweet.
With that understanding, here's a typical division of labor. She won't necessarily expect breakfast in bed (at least not EVERY morning), but it's probably considered helpful for you to be up & about instead of snoring after surfing the Internet until 2 AM. It's even better if the coffee is ready when she enters the kitchen. If you have kids, then you should probably be in charge of most of the school prep. You might also take charge of general cleanliness & stowage as well as most of the dinner preps. Yardwork, maintenance, preservation, repairs, and all things yucky and/or dead/decaying will stay with you. Household help (housecleaners, yard service, poolboy, whatever) may be expected to be replaced-- by you. (Do NOT hire a poolgirl.) You might want to make yourself available for general shopping & errands one or two days a week, especially if it's supporting her office management or her travel plans. If she used to do all the grocery shopping then it's your turn now. If she has a work emergency then you should be ready to cheerfully cancel your tee time plans and to rush to her support on the domestic front. The idea is to make all reasonable adjustments to your lifestyle to keep her happy, healthy, well-rested, and even more successful at work. Don't worry, you'll still have time for yourself.
You will never again be allowed to complain about anything affecting your quality of life. Do not wax maudlin about the lack of companionship or the missing excitement. It does not matter how valid or infrequent the complaint may be, because you're assumed to have the life that the rest of your family is vicariously fantasizing about and they don't want you messing with their dreams.
It would be unwise to lounge around the breakfast nook checking the surf report in plain family view. (I don't want to tell you how I learned this.) You'll have plenty of time for yourself after all these malingerers finally depart the house and go about their daily business, but they know that too and there's no reason to flaunt your presumptive indolence. DO NOT discuss your napping habits-- it's just snatching red meat from the jaws of a tiger. DO NOT bitch about your golf game or the surf or any other leisure activity-- or even the non-commuting traffic-- unless at least one other family member has accompanied you.
You would think that other "guys" would tease you about your new domestic slavery labor. However I was surprised to find out that it's the stay-at-home women who seem to be more antagonized by the mere thought that you could possibly learn to clean house as well as they do. If you care for their company then it's diplomatic to solicit their helpful cleaning tips (whether you need them or not). As for the guys who snicker at your new kitchen patrol command, I usually tell them "Ah-yup, them there new-fangled kitchens can seem pretty intimidatin' if'n ya don't spend any time in 'em." They'll get onboard once they realize that you can barbeque WHENEVER YOU WANT TO.
If you have an engineering or tech background, you may be tempted to reorganize your entire household to comply with more efficient & accepted ISO 9002 business practices or the latest military-discipline doctrine. After all, it reduces your workload and makes your life easier. That alone should ensure domestic tranquilty! However, do not appear to be trying to do things better than your spouse used to do them. This competition is inherently unhealthy and will make her feel guilty & unsure of herself if you're managing too well. So don't make any dramatic changes to the routine or, heaven forbid, reorganize the kitchen cabinets. In fact it would help reassure her if she occasionally came home to find you in the middle of a plumbing disaster or an incinerated dinner (not that you can complain!). When things have calmed down after a hectic day, don't hesitate to ask her to tell you again how she kept the bathroom so clean or what she'd like for dinner tomorrow. Just don't let her come home after a hard days' work to find you passed out in the media room surrounded by beer cans and with the Playboy channel ESPN blaring on the TV. No, I don't want to talk about how I learned that either.
Don't call or show up at her work unless specifically invited. Even then don't chat for more than 15 minutes-- they'll wonder why you don't have better things to do or if you're checking up on her. Lingering won't be a problem anyway because you'll realize that you've acquired a new violent allergic reaction to workplaces.
Watch how you handle the volunteer work. It's fine to coach your kids' teams but you don't want to spend more time with your new volunteer friends than with your family. Too many people will assume "Hey, you're the retired guy, you have the time to help with this!" That may be true, but you may not necessarily share their priorities-- no matter how compelling they are.
Be careful about making large purchases. It's her big paycheck now (even if you bought it out of your own allowance) and she wants a little more deference on how the spending happens. (Of course this large-purchase rule doesn't apply to power cleaning equipment.) It shouldn't be a problem if it's discussed in advance, but it wouldn't be smart for her to come home from working late to find you & your beer buddies sprawled around cheering for Monday Night Football in front of your newly-delivered $4000 media system. And unless you've owned Harleys before, don't buy one for a while.
Keep her involved in the big-picture financial planning. It wouldn't hurt to gloat once in a while (especially in front of her friends) about how her humongous paycheck is bloating the retirement portfolio.
Make her look good at the company parties. Brag to her bosses about how she's managing both your house and their business. Tell everyone that you're the designated driver because she needs a break and besides drinking no longer has any attraction when you can do it anytime all day.
BTW it IS perfectly acceptable to let everyone see you exercising more, losing weight, smiling excessively, talking cheerfully, whistling, and generally enjoying life. Spontaneous laughter & acts of affection are always appreciated, as is the occasional unsolicited comment of "Life is good!". After all you have to set the example for what the rest of your family can look forward to when they reach their own ER.
