He just retired-I am going NUTS!!

[PattieK]

Hi guys, just found the group. I adore my husband of 40 years, and we are very close, but in these first two months since he retired, while I keep working (for $$$, not passion!) he is getting on my nerves in a way he hasn't since we had new babies in the house!!

I have read that the first year can be tough, especially since his retirement was moved up several years by circumstances, and we went from a 2022 mutual goal in early Nov. to his retirement in mid-December. This morning, when I had already set up a late work arrival with my boss, he started nagging me about the time as I was getting ready. GRRRRRRRR!

Ideas and words of comfort/advise welcome!

 

[Ready]

Welcome. Just remember that it could be worse. You could both be retired and be spending the entire day together, which can be very difficult when both people worked away from the house for many years. You may find that your job is now your "away" time and learn to actually enjoy it even more.

 

[kcowan]

Be sensitive. He is struggling because he was not ready emotionally. You are in the fortunate position of having your familiar surroundings.

 

[Midpack]

Not unusual, and as you’d expect, communication is essential. Retirement is a big adjustment for most couples after 30-40 years working.

https://www.kiplinger.com/article/r...when-one-spouse-retires-before-the-other.html

https://www.nextavenue.org/how-avoid-living-unhappily-ever-after-retirement/

https://www.inspiredvillages.co.uk/about/news/adapting-retirement-maintaining-strong-relationship

And many sources say you must have activities to retire to, not just retire from work. Some fall into new routines naturally, some do not.

 

[Cobra9777]

Welcome. Just remember that it could be worse. You could both be retired and be spending the entire day together, which can be very difficult when both people worked away from the house for many years. You may find that your job is now your "away" time and learn to actually enjoy it even more.

+1

I retired 3 years before DW. She continued to work for non-money reasons. Those 3 years were great for both of us. Now that she's retired, it's tougher. After 35 years of marriage and both working, we're now around each other 24/7 for the first time. We are traveling more which is nice. But when we're at home, we seem to get on each other's nerves more than before... mostly trivial stuff like prioritizing the to-do list.

Also, DW misses the work routine and daily interaction with people. So she has not glided into retirement with the same smoothness and enthusiasm that I did. After 14 months, we're still working through it and finding our own routines. So for us anyway, both being retired is a bit more challenging than when it was just me.

 

[braumeister]

This morning, when I had already set up a late work arrival with my boss, he started nagging me about the time as I was getting ready. GRRRRRRRR!

I suspect that in his view he was trying to be helpful. Did he even know about your planned late start?

Too early (2 months) for you to have worked out a smooth mesh to your schedules yet. But it can work just fine. I retired 12 years before DW (her choice, not necessary) and we never had any difficulty. He'll get the hang of it soon, and so will you.

 

[Nemo2]

Tell him to get a girlfriend, then he won't be bugging you all the time.

 

[aja8888]

Tell him to get a girlfriend, then he won't be bugging you all the time.

Or get a part time job.....Home Depot is hiring nation-wide.

 

[Nemo2]

Or get a part time job.....Home Depot is hiring nation-wide.

I'm kinda reminded of the old Ann Landers/Dear Abby column.......woman was complaining about her husband's snoring.....then he died.....she said "I'd give anything to hear his snores again".

 

[Yarnstormer]

I’m guessing he was a management type? I’d come up with a nice long honeydo list for him asap!

 

[aja8888]

I'm kinda reminded of the old Ann Landers/Dear Abby column.......woman was complaining about her husband's snoring.....then he died.....she said "I'd give anything to hear his snores again".

Kind of the same feeling when DW was hospitalized for over a week last year and I was home alone every day and night.

 

[Gotadimple]

Tell him to start looking around for a volunteer gig or two. It sets a routine for the week, and gets him out of the house and around other people. He needs to find his passion and follow it (see Ernie Zelinski How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free).

There are so many organizations looking for just a little help each week. Go to the United Way site for listings for a start. If nothing appeals there, check the web sites of some of your favorite local charities who also post for helpers.

 

[Nemo2]

Kind of the same feeling when DW was hospitalized for over a week last year and I was home alone every day and night.

BTDT. Unpleasant.

 

[ER Eddie]

Why is he retired, if you guys still need the money? You say you're working because you need the money, not because you want to. So it sounds like the family isn't in the position for both of you to be retired.

I know that circumstances intervened to cause his early retirement, but is he unable (or unwilling?) to work at some other job, even part-time? Can't he pitch in at all, so that the burden of working is shared? Or does he have some medical condition that prevents him from working?

 

[JustCurious]

Take a look at this thread that talks about "mixed retirement" couples.

http://www.early-retirement.org/for...-with-mixed-retirement-for-couples-72460.html

 

[bingybear]

Change is stressful. This is not just retiring. As you noted when you had kids it was the same. And it will happen again when you retire.

We worked together in a lab at school, then in two different companies for 15 years. As a result of the dot com bust we ended up working is different companies.. lots of stress.

There are many things in life the often causes stress in relationships. Having kids, changing jobs, kids moving out, retiring.... etc.
Try to understand what is happening and keep the communication channels open. Often it is not either once fault, but misunderstanding or insecurities. Relationships change (and hopefully for the better). Just part of life. Life is not static

 

[mystang52]

I’m guessing he was a management type? I’d come up with a nice long honeydo list for him asap!

Subject to the "circumstances" of the retirement, Ill echo this suggestion.

 

[Bamaman]

My wife is complaining about me watching too much conservative news.

Finally got motivated to do some plumbing around the house and I forgot how much fun running back and forth to the hardware store is. Gets me out and around.

 

[ClayMore]

DW punched out from Coca-Cola in 2010 and is worried about me being around too much. I have the whole basement (drive under, 1/2 finished) as my primary daily hangout. The finished part is a MIL suite but she passed before ever needing DW to care for her. No stove, fridge , small sink, small counter w cabinets. Full bath. Bedroom area is kind of an L shape with 12 x10 area and 8 x 10 section that has a doorway to the kitchen and bathroom area. I have it set up as a music room and recording studio. One side of the garage is my wood shop. I will manage to stay out from under her feet. Somehow!������

 

[Aerides]

There are multiple threads here on the perils of DH retiring before DW. He needs to be at least... re-educated. And if your mutual retirement is now on your back only... he needs to be back looking for employment.

If neither of the above happen, the next 4 years will suck, and the ones after than will be, at least initially, filled with resentment.

 

[iloveyoga]

Weclome to the forum, I have learned a lot here and I hope you find it helpful!

 

[brucethebroker]

Why is he retired, if you guys still need the money? You say you're working because you need the money, not because you want to. So it sounds like the family isn't in the position for both of you to be retired.

I know that circumstances intervened to cause his early retirement, but is he unable (or unwilling?) to work at some other job, even part-time? Can't he pitch in at all, so that the burden of working is shared? Or does he have some medical condition that prevents him from working?

Yep. When I considered semi-retirement (PT hobby job), the first thing I did was to encourage DW to retire, which she did. I could only imagine her anger as she continued to get up at 4 AM while I slept in. NO WAY.

Sure, we get on each others nerves a little since my business is home based, but we are still married!! Unlike the other situation!!

Tell him either you both work, or you are both fully retired. Let him choose.

 

[brucethebroker]

Welcome, BTW.

 

[braumeister]

Drive-by posting?
OP has never been back.

 

[Milton]

I suspect that in his view he was trying to be helpful. Did he even know about your planned late start?

Sounds plausible, and I would give him the benefit of the doubt, at least if this was an isolated incident (if his reminder was merely one example of many such incidents - which the OP has not said - that would of course be a different story).

I occasionally find my wife's efforts to help me to be rather tedious. While I am not always as patient as I should be (I'm not a saint), I do my best to remember that she is speaking/acting from a position of love and concern. A smile and a "thank you", without any eye-rolling or similar disrespectful behaviour, is the best response.

I’d come up with a nice long honeydo list for him asap!

I doubt that OP turning into a nagging shrew is going to improve the situation. She doesn't like him hassling her - and I certainly don't blame her - but just reflecting that back on him will not yield results.

Rather, she should be patient and if things don't improve they should have a heart-to-heart chat about each other's perspectives. It's a close marriage of some 40 years' duration, so I'm confident that they can work out these small issues. Mutual love and respect go a long way.

Tell him to start looking around for a volunteer gig or two. It sets a routine for the week, and gets him out of the house and around other people. He needs to find his passion and follow it (see Ernie Zelinski How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free).

There are so many organizations looking for just a little help each week. Go to the United Way site for listings for a start. If nothing appeals there, check the web sites of some of your favorite local charities who also post for helpers.

This certainly has worked very well for me. However, I don't believe anyone should be 'voluntold'; that rarely works well for them or the organization they are supporting.

By all means gently suggest volunteering; but don't tell him to do it. No sane person wants to be married to a controlling spouse (husband or wife).