Hi advice on dating

[Surfer]

Hi - I am a 50 year old male and heading towards retiring (if I choose to) in a couple of years. Am also divorced with older working children. Currently dating a younger woman with very little in the way of assets. I like her, but figure if we get too involved I will be risking my assets. What would you do?

I actually quite like working too when I am working in a good company with nice people. However, I do want to set myself up so that it is completely optional.

Thanks!

 

[street]

No marriage unless a prenuptial. I would date only and spend time together and most important talk about your thought you are describing here to her. See what she says or thinks. If may make your time better or worse.

I guess it comes down to really what is the most important thing to you. Her or your assets. Just my 2¢.

 

[Ronstar]

Welcome surfer! I would avoid marriage unless both you and the girlfriend both feel like it is a good idea. And like street mentioned - no marriage without a prenup - unless you don't mind leaving your assets to the new wife instead of your children.

And what if you get married and she divorces you leaving you with not enough assets to retire. I would talk this over with a lawyer if I were you.

 

[Surfer]

Thanks Street. I am based in Australia where prenup’s don’t really hold up in court. I think the first sentence of your last paragraph is what it boils down to.

I have been doing the dating only approach and I feel like that is the safest place to stay. Certainly not rushing anything.

We have talked about it. She offered to sign something, but that has little utility as I said.

Perhaps the biggest differences between us is I will have a lot of flexibility with how I choose to spend my time soon (even now I am working less) and she will need to work for years to come.

Anyway, just dating for now and enjoying it.

 

[Surfer]

Thanks Ronstar - Yeah that risk if we were to marry and then the marriage ends resulting in me not having enough assets to retire, or stay retired, is a big one.

I think if we married, were together for some time and I predeceased her, she would get a portion of my assets - legally she would have fair grounds for that. I would need to leave her an allocation in my will.

 

[Souschef]

I was widowed, and met a lady who was also widowed. She had nowhere near what i have, but she does not get any of mine as it is my separate property.
That being said, we just celebrated our 12th anniversary. I have been totally welcomed into her family by her children and grandchildren, all of whom have no idea of what my NW is.
I have set up things so that she gets half and my 2 sons get half if I die first. But, I have made her sons contingent beneficiaries on accounts that she is beneficiary.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

In Australia you have "De facto relationship " laws where you might have to pay alimony (even though not married)if you hit the two year mark and then things end. It will be her word against yours as to whether your relationship qualifies.
The Australian ladies I've spoken with say guys avoid relationships completely in order to not qualify. And thats their words, not mine.
Hope you aren't getting mail at her house, or hers at yours. Or a hundred other ways the truth could be distorted.
Beware Surfer.

 

[truenorth418]

If she’s not pressuring you to get married then if I were you I would not press the point.

If she is pressuring you, ask her why she wants to get married. Listen for rational reasons.. tax benefits, immigration, insurance benefits, how she is more able to make you happy in that type of arrangement .. are the types of rational, reciprocal benefits I am referring to.

I had a girlfriend for a few years after I retired. She wanted me to marry her and started to pressure me. When I asked her why she wanted to get married, she came back with “you shouldn’t have to ask me that question” and “you’re being immature. It’s about time you grew up” and “I deserve to get what I want”. There was no attempt to discuss my concerns or take them seriously at all. So I broke up with her.

 

[Surfer]

Thanks Mr Tightwad - None of my mail is going to her place and none of her mail is going to mine. I have only been seeing her around 6 months. I am aware of the two year threshold and I understand you don’t even have to be living with someone in Australia for that to apply, as long as there has been a regular pattern of spending nights together. I have also heard of guys in my situation just not committing to relationships of any length due to this. It is actually really sad that the law is having that effect.

 

[Surfer]

I was widowed, and met a lady who was also widowed. She had nowhere near what i have, but she does not get any of mine as it is my separate property.
That being said, we just celebrated our 12th anniversary. I have been totally welcomed into her family by her children and grandchildren, all of whom have no idea of what my NW is.
I have set up things so that she gets half and my 2 sons get half if I die first. But, I have made her sons contingent beneficiaries on accounts that she is beneficiary.

Congratulations on your 12th anniversary
Souchef! Thanks for sharing.

 

[Gumby]

Hi - I am a 50 year old male and heading towards retiring (if I choose to) in a couple of years. Am also divorced with older working children. Currently dating a younger woman with very little in the way of assets. I like her, but figure if we get too involved I will be risking my assets. What would you do?

Contraception is a wonderful thing, and your responsibility every bit as much as hers.

 

[Redbugdave]

Boy...It sounds like with the defining laws in Australia, the only ones who are safe on the dating scene are men and women who are both alike...both either have assets or both have not. In your case, I would hunt around for a woman with assets. Thinking about it on a sociological level, it looks like a class system has evolved.

 

[Aerides]

Currently dating a younger woman with very little in the way of assets. I like her, but figure if we get too involved I will be risking my assets. What would you do?

After dating her for 6 months, if you are more concerned with risk of losing money than losing her, then let her go, she's not the one. At that stage you should be peak-head-over-heels. You're clearly not ("i like her"), so regardless of the finances, it would be kinder to part ways.

 

[UnrealizedPotential]

Marriage is a serious event. It's joining together. That's how I look at it. Since you are questioning if you are ready for that, it could be an indication maybe the connection isn't strong enough for you. You need to be honest with yourself. For what it is worth I am willing to put everything on the line for the lady I care about next year. That's how it works.

ETA-One thing that was a must for me was looking for a lady who could accept me for me, instead of me having to become someone I couldn't be just to find someone to love.

 

[Car-Guy]

Keep dating until you are sure... Maybe years... Could be a lot cheaper too... You didn't say how much younger she is than you but if it's a significance difference, it's likely to become a bigger issue later.

 

[Nemo2]

Keep dating until you are sure... Maybe years... Could be a lot cheaper too... You didn't say how much younger she is than you but if it's a significance difference, it's likely to become a bigger issue later.

Naah...if she's waaay younger let her pay for the funeral.

 

[gerntz]

Don't know Oz laws, but here you could put assets in trust that go to beneficiaries designated vs. widow.

 

[Amethyst]

Could just be the way you express yourself, but I don't exactly hear a great love affair here. You're comparing your feelings toward a woman with your feelings toward work: You quite like it when it's going well, but want it to stay optional. In that light, I'm not sure you should be taking up a young woman's most marriageable/childbearing years with your heavily qualified affections (I'm assuming she is of childbearing age, since you only said "younger."). If I were you, I'd let her go before she feels too involved.

I like her, but figure if we get too involved I will be risking my assets.

I actually quite like working too when I am working in a good company with nice people. However, I do want to set myself up so that it is completely optional.

Thanks!

 

[Rianne]

Surfer, sounds like you worked for financial freedom, many years and toughed it out. The young lady your dating is not there yet. She may have great earning potential and not looking for a sugar daddy. Or assets to inherit.

You also mention currently dating. That does not sound like fell in love, want to spend the rest of my life with her. Currently dating is casual IMHO. Of course you want to protect your assets. Sounds to early to be concerned about that.

 

[Chuckanut]

It is actually really sad that the law is having that effect.

Then there are the SS rules here in the USA....

I have met several women who would never re-marry (me or anybody else) because 50% of the ex husband's SS is significantly greater than 100% of her SS benefit. Most of these women were the traditional stay-at-home moms who worked very little outside the home. Often they worked in lower paying jobs from their 50-something divorce until their 60-something retirement.

 

[Souschef]

Then there are the SS rules here in the USA....

I have met several women who would never re-marry (me or anybody else) because 50% of the ex husband's SS is significantly greater than 100% of her SS benefit. Most of these women were the traditional stay-at-home moms who worked very little outside the home. Often they worked in lower paying jobs from their 50-something divorce until their 60-something retirement.

The laws were changed some time ago. If the widow or widower is over 60, they do not lose the SS of their spouse.
That was the case with us.

 

[OldShooter]

... What would you do? ...

I would not consult SGOTI. I would find a very good specialist lawyer in these matters and pay whatever it costs to get things right and keep them that way.

 

[youbet]

I like her, but figure if we get too involved I will be risking my assets. What would you do?

It's fairly common and frequently successful these days for guys and gals to be committed but not married. There is a well known example of that right here on this board.

Date, have fun, share common interests, be committed if you both prefer, but don't marry. You both need to be totally honest with one another so neither is blindsided by the fact that legal marriage will never result from the relationship. But you can be a committed couple if you wish or perhaps more of a pair of kindred spirits who care for and emotionally support one another.

 

[Dtail]

Surfer,
Besides the poster who @youbet is referring to, I am in a 9 year relationship with a lady.
We both had bad divorces and decided to go at the relationship without marriage.

Our finances though are legally separate in respect to TIRA/Roth, but joint accounts as to Taxable.
However we pool various monies as our budget. It can be a little involved, but it works for us.

 

[tuckeverlasting]

Happiness is being single.....(sample size of one)