Retired early and baffled!

L

languagefan

Recycles dryer sheets
Joined
Apr 15, 2016
Messages
67
Location
Tenerife
Hello everybody,

It all went as planned. I retired early. Own a flat in Canary Islands, no debts, and a bit of saving for the rainy days. Earn enough to have a simple life as I envisaged. Published a number of books. And after 5 years life has become incredibly quiet, if not boring. I am feeling restless for I don't have enough "meaningful" activities in my life. Went to Brazil and Vietnam doing some charity work for 6 months, and now life has become painfully quiet again.

The early retirement was well deserved. I suffered from post traumatic stress working nearly a decade in war zones with Doctors Without Borders, and even though it was long time ago, I remained fragile and stress prone working as a specialist doctor later for national health services.

I come from a very high achieving family, and can't somehow deprogram my earlier programming of needing to constantly achieve high and doing "important" things to be happy.

I thought early retirement in a tranquil place, writing, and living a slower life was going to suit me, and things went perfectly and even better than planned.

I am 48, currently single, divorced with a grown up independent and successful son. I feel demotivated to fill my life with the "usual" retirement activities, have already travelled widely across more than 40 countries and travelling per se has lost its buzz. Strange enough I am stuck in the middle of my latest book which is ironically about happiness!

I wake up late as there are too many hours to fill in each day, and lay my head on the pillow with relief that the day has come to an end.

Most women around my age are working mortgage slaves, or have complex situations left from their past marriages, and I don't earn enough to take over someone else's financial responsibilities without damaging my life style big time.

Life here is incredibly comfortable and problem free that the comfort zone stops one from taking risks again and making it rough again.

Having been a doctor is a kind of pain in the neck, as everybody looks baffled to hear that I retired to live a humble life and left all social "importance" and wealth associated with it behind.

Have been looking at options like doing a PhD somewhere, but it feels like complicating my life simply for the sake of it for escaping boredom!

I guess I am not looking for an easy answer, more like sharing, and hoping to learn from experiences of others.
 
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Welcome, languagefan.

Your situation is unusual, but there are many folks here with unusual situations of different kinds. One thing not so unusual is how some others react to those of us who have given up position/power/status for the ER life - many of us get the "baffled" reaction.

I found Ernie Zelinski's books helpful in getting over the hump of "I should still be doing something important", which I hit about a year after ER.

Hope you enjoy the fellowship here. We look forward to hearing more from you!
 
@MBAustin: thanks for your response. I will look in to the book you mentioned. Even though I have read in depth from Buddhist teachings and literature, being a medic tells me that a sense of "newness", stimulation and purpose, are somehow inherent to us, and may be crucial for our happiness.

@braum...: thanks for your comment. I will ponder more on that.
 
MBAustin said:
Welcome, languagefan.

Your situation is unusual, but there are many folks here with unusual situations of different kinds. One thing not so unusual is how some others react to those of us who have given up position/power/status for the ER life - many of us get the "baffled" reaction.

I found Ernie Zelinski's books helpful in getting over the hump of "I should still be doing something important", which I hit about a year after ER.

Hope you enjoy the fellowship here. We look forward to hearing more from you!
Click to expand...
+1. I found the Get-A-Life Tree exercise in several of Zelinski's books to be very helpful.

I also suffer from a need to be productive/occupied most of the time. I find my time easy to fill Spring-Summer-Fall, but Winter is a real challenge for me...I just sorta get through some Winter days each year.
 
I retired early 14 months ago at 54 from a pretty successful engineering management career which paid well and required high achievement. My first few months after retirement were about resting and catching up with loved ones, then the "should I be doing more" hit. After a few months of somewhat struggling for a new routine and "achievement anxiety", I've discovered that pursuing my art (painting, quilting, weaving) seems to be fulfilling me in ways I hadn't expected. I'm not sure how long I'll feel this way, but am enjoying the new normal routine, which continues to include time with loved ones.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum
 
@Midpack: Thanks. I had thought of winters and that is why I moved to Tenerife where eternal sprng allows you to be out and about all year round.

@Texcurtis: thanks. I came to this point after trying many different activities. Organised hiking activities for youth, did a bit of art work with a friend who is an artist, hosted almost 60 couchsurfers, and organised picnics for them. Learned To speak Spanish (my 6th language) fluently, and brushed my French, taught Spanish to new coming expats, and English to locals..and at some point all these felt like compulsive filling of my time, and I felt exhausted with this compulsive need to fill my time....
 
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I can't relate very well to having nothing to do as I am always thinking about some big or small idea, project or adventure.

Is there something you always wanted to do but never had the guts? Do you like sailing or boating? Any hobbies that you might like to pursue? Hiking, camping, outdoor stuff?
 
@Fermion: Glad for you. I guess I answered your Q earlier above.
The only thing that I have never done nor had the guts to do was to start a business from zero and make it successful. Having said that crisis has hit Spain really hard, and there are very few lines of business you can run here in Canary Islands. I have been exploring this over last 5 years, and as I should risk my only savings, I have not found something that I want to risk it yet.
 
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Don't be baffled language Fan

High achievers seem to have the hardest time with E.R. Perhaps all you needed was an extended break.

Many people, including a bunch on this forum, have similar thoughts, frustrations, etc. You're still young and, if you need to pull the plug on E.R., go ahead and get back into the game. I'm unsure if the concept of permanent retirement makes sense for any of us. Recovering from Burn Out takes time but, if you're recovered, don't let your confusion with E.R. hold you back.

I have had similar thoughts and in trying to figure it out, have read as much as I could find on the topic. One of the most useful books, for me, is The Retirement Maze. One of the authors retired early (at 51), became disillusioned, wrote the book and eventually returned to his profession.

Good Luck.
 
@Tracy: many thanks. Food for thought. My ER didn't come about only solely for fun, and leisure. Stress of working as a senior health manager kept driving me to serious nervous breakdowns due to past history of post traumatic stress. So, I don't have a good reason to feel guilty about not achieving high and often now. It's a kind of catch 22 situation. It's a complex mix of emotions, upbringing, ambitions, previous high achievements, greed, ego, lack of social importance, reactions of others, mindset not fully ready for the "defined" retirement entitlement.
 
languagefan said:
....and at some point all these felt like compulsive filling of my time, and I felt exhausted with this compulsive need to fill my time....
Click to expand...

I wouldn't think the goal is finding other ways to fill up your time in an attempt to fend off your compulsive needs. You've been able to fill up your time doing very worthwhile stuff so far, but it sounds as if that strategy is breaking down. Maybe it's time to deal with the exhausting compulsion itself. :)
 
How about working one or two days a week ? That would get you up and about but leave plenty of time for other stuff. There's always a need for doctors in special situations where you could work out some sort of arrangement.
 
I am not ERd, but have found activity/exercise goals and events to be very helpful to keep me sane when other aspects of life move into the insane area. Of course where you are, there may not be many staged events, but maybe traveling to a few would be a possibility.
cd :O)
 
Maybe the approach is wrong to some extent........

Maybe not asking "what can I find to do to fill my time", but instead "what is my real passion and where can I possibly find the time to pursue it?"

You may find the answer to the second one may not be possible in the Canary Islands.
 
This may be a cultural issue where you say you come from a high achieving family where "doing important work" is viewed as the key to happiness.

I'd start there.

I grew up around a few trust funders who never worked a day in their life--much less at anything even vaguely important--and they're quite happy with their little art studios and boat/car restorations. They couldn't care less about what others or family think or what their 'contribution' to society might be.

It's a matter of what you--and others expect of yourself.

You retired early and are living in the Canary Islands for crying out loud! Sounds pretty successful to me!!

If your main issue is boredom from lack of intellectual stimulation, maybe you need to find something as simple as tutoring, a local city project or something similar; something that forces you to get out there.

Again, I'd start by sitting on the beach at Tenerife with a drink and getting your arms around what is hanging you up, which seems to be family expectations, either real or imagined.
 
I've recently been working through some of the same things as I get prepared for retiring in my late-50s. I'm wondering what life will be like after my work-related validation indicia are gone; the title is gone, the big office is gone, and the valuable and important work is gone.

Unlike many here, I genuinely enjoy my work, but, ultimately, I'm finding that I want to address life on my own terms, and that means that I want to stop answering to colleagues and customers. To do that, by definition I must go my own way; the label "retirement" isn't really part of that equation for me, but is rather a shorthand way of saying that the only person I answer to is myself.
I still have 7 or so years to go, so we'll see if I feel the same way then.
 
@redduck: thanks. That is why I am staying put trying to understand better what and why life is bugging me this way rather than resorting to another path which would leave me in another discontent situation elsewhere.
 
Welcome from another RE former high achieving medic.

languagefan said:
Hello everybody,

It all went as planned. I retired early. Own a flat in Canary Islands, no debts, and a bit of saving for the rainy days. Earn enough to have a simple life as I envisaged. Published a number of books. And after 5 years life has become incredibly quiet, if not boring. I am feeling restless for I don't have enough "meaningful" activities in my life. Went to Brazil and Vietnam doing some charity work for 6 months, and now life has become painfully quiet again.

Awesome achievement! You have made a difference in people's lives. Nobody said that volunteering had to be a life sentence.

The early retirement was well deserved. I suffered from post traumatic stress working nearly a decade in war zones with Doctors Without Borders, and even though it was long time ago, I remained fragile and stress prone working as a specialist doctor later for national health services.

Of course your ER was well deserved. Enjoy it.

I come from a very high achieving family, and can't somehow deprogram my earlier programming of needing to constantly achieve high and doing "important" things to be happy.

You have probably spent a lifetime fulfilling your family's expectations, as well as your own. Try to develop some new, more modest expectations. Mine have changed completely since ER. Having a day full of rich experiences and feeling inner happiness is one of my favourites. Today was a winner!

I thought early retirement in a tranquil place, writing, and living a slower life was going to suit me, and things went perfectly and even better than planned.

I am 48, currently single, divorced with a grown up independent and successful son. I feel demotivated to fill my life with the "usual" retirement activities, have already travelled widely across more than 40 countries and travelling per se has lost its buzz. Strange enough I am stuck in the middle of my latest book which is ironically about happiness!

I wake up late as there are too many hours to fill in each day, and lay my head on the pillow with relief that the day has come to an end.

Most women around my age are working mortgage slaves, or have complex situations left from their past marriages, and I don't earn enough to take over someone else's financial responsibilities without damaging my life style big time.

Life here is incredibly comfortable and problem free that the comfort zone stops one from taking risks again and making it rough again.

How wonderful! Take the time to appreciate your good fortune every day. Share it with others too.

Having been a doctor is a kind of pain in the neck, as everybody looks baffled to hear that I retired to live a humble life and left all social "importance" and wealth associated with it behind.

I think we are mixing in different circles. Besides, who cares what people think?

Have been looking at options like doing a PhD somewhere, but it feels like complicating my life simply for the sake of it for escaping boredom!

I've taken online courses and in-person workshops for my own enjoyment, but I have decided that I don't care to take any courses that require exams. Besides three university degrees are quite enough.

I guess I am not looking for an easy answer, more like sharing, and hoping to learn from experiences of others.
Click to expand...
 
Thanks very much for taking time to write this detailed response that was worth reading a few times. Take good care and stay well wherever you are.
 
FIREmenow said:
Maybe the approach is wrong to some extent........

Maybe not asking "what can I find to do to fill my time", but instead "what is my real passion and where can I possibly find the time to pursue it?"

You may find the answer to the second one may not be possible in the Canary Islands.
Click to expand...

As physicians we are hard wired to be driven, successful. As such I am not at all surprised at your feelings given your age.

I agree with this posters comment about pursuing one's passion. It isn't always about "retiring" but moving on to something else.

You clearly are intelligent and have much experience - in language, medicine and travel. It seems to me you have much knowledge and wisdom to impart to others. I realize you are writing but what about actually teaching? This can take many forms, of course.

Good luck to you!
 
FIREmenow said:
Maybe the approach is wrong to some extent........

Maybe not asking "what can I find to do to fill my time", but instead "what is my real passion and where can I possibly find the time to pursue it?"

You may find the answer to the second one may not be possible in the Canary Islands.
Click to expand...

This is SO true!
 
languagefan, I am a new retiree, myself. What I am finding is that it is a bit different than I imagined. I won't say I'm "struggling" with what I'm finding, but after having life drag me around by the collar since I was old enough to send off to school, now I have almost no schedules to keep. It is a different feeling. Sometimes it exhilarates me, sometimes it makes me feel weird, like "there must be something I should be doing now"....which I attribute to all of those years when there probably really was something I should have been doing, but was just "blowing off"..

Here is how I am trying to handle it: First of all i want to at least be sure I am being healthy. Eating correctly, not too much. Getting some exercise, and healthy recreation every day (in my case that's usually golf, walking not riding in a cart). Nothing crazy, just making sure I'm not falling into any destructive habits. I like a cocktail in the evening, and I just have to be mindful not to overdo that aspect either.

As far as "empty hours", I'm just going to let that happen. I read, fiddle with the guitar, write a bit. Not force myself into anything. Keep a little house (DW still works, so I might as well make it look like I did at least one thing),

I'm looking at it like an "adolescence"...a time of change. What I want to do with this time will come to me, if I let it. My dad once told me that the best advice he got about retirement was to make no real commitments on his time for at least 6 months. I am following that advice. I'd rather have too little to do right now, than sign up for too much, and find I've traded one rat race, for another.

My partner who retired 2 years before me referred to it as "retirement guilt", which I think he meant that feeling that we should be "doing something meaningful". In other words,

"chill"...let it come to you..

good luck!
 
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