Waited Too Long... How to Convince Spouse We are OK to Retire

[Chuckanut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RetiredAt55.5 I'll relate a story to you, just one data point - My oldest brother retired 4 years ago at age 59. In 2020, he had a stroke and ended up in the ER with an emergency operation to stop the bleeding on his brain. They found brain cancer. It was very aggressive. He fought it for 6 months and then passed. You can work 2 more years. But none of us know how much time we have left. Every year is precious. Use your time wisely.

Once again an opportunity to post my favorite FIRE cartoon:

[pacergal]

OP--many couples retire at different times, there is no rule that says you have to launch together.
Finances are not the issue here. Deep, drilled down conversations are in order, either on your own or with a qualified therapist. If your spouse wants to continue to work, that is OK. If you want to retire, that should be OK too. Support each others feelings and choices.
There is plenty to do in retirement while the other is working, if that is your choice.

[braumeister]

We had been making fairly similar salaries in two different industries, but I decided to retire when I knew it was time.

There was absolutely no reason for DW to continue working; money was not an issue. But she decided to keep working simply because she is a much more social person and thoroughly enjoyed the people she worked with in her relatively low stress job. So she kept at it for another 12 years before hanging it up.

She had no problem with my being retired on my own, and I didn't mind her staying on the job because I knew she enjoyed it. I was happy to take care of the house and do all the shopping and cooking, since I enjoyed that stuff, and she was happy that she didn't have to think about that.

I took trips by myself, just like I used to do when single, and we took at least one big trip together every year on her vacation time. It all worked out fine.

[oiseux]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan OP what do you think would happen if you retired and spouse didn't. Do you feel it would damage your relationship? You can retire or you can continue to work, but you can't force your spouse to quit working. I'm going to assume here that you two have had all the logical talks about retiring and not retiring. We can't do or say anything that will help you convince or force your spouse to retire. Can you see your life together continuing happily with you retired and spouse working? It might not be the "perfect" retirement life you personally dreamed about, but can you make it work for both of you? IMO this is where you want to focus not on "convincing" your spouse to retire now.

I think this would be problematic. We've generally made large financial decisions together, although we have no problems with being independent. I may need to set the ground work and see how the discussion goes.



Yesterday I brought up the issue again and got similar responses, btw, plus a few more nonsense reasons. I actually feel the same as other posters -- for me it is not the reason that I hate work but that the FOMO is building.

[JoeWras]

Here's the thing. Reading your profile, it sounds like you'll want a few places to base yourselves in. A few in the US, and another in France.

That kind of thing supports having high NW, so I perhaps understand your spouse's anxiety.

Conversely, you are aging. If you are dreaming of going to France to hit the Alps and ski or hike, maybe now is the time. Don't delay!

It is a trade off. Yet, a NW of 8-large along with that huge pension makes me believe you are ready, and you both need to continue talking.

[Music Lover]

Every year you keep working is probably the healthiest remaining year of your life.

I know several spouses who retired at different times, it's no big deal and it's done all the time. I would never demand that my spouse remain working if I didn't want to retire, and of course I would never demand that they retire if I was retiring and they didn't want to. I think that's selfish.

[MarieIG]

For OP. I lurked for a few years before signing up.

Coordination/ agreement on retirement dates between spouses is by no means an unusual issue (including yours truly).

(Perhaps the difference in your situation is that your financial situation is very good vs. your spend rate.)

Post-Covid; are you and your spouse able to take sabbaticals, to allow him to test the waters?

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by oiseux I think this would be problematic. We've generally made large financial decisions together, although we have no problems with being independent. I may need to set the ground work and see how the discussion goes. Yesterday I brought up the issue again and got similar responses, btw, plus a few more nonsense reasons. I actually feel the same as other posters -- for me it is not the reason that I hate work but that the FOMO is building.

I'm guessing you knew with your first post that it's not really about the money. Have you actually said to your spouse, I understand you are not ready to quit working for a variety of reasons, but I want to (am going to) hand in my notice now.

That said, you have two choices continue to work and kick the can down the road or stop work and reinvent your lives as a couple.

My DH is 72 and still working (part time) as this point, so don't make the assumption that a few more years working will make this issue go away.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JoeWras Here's the thing. Reading your profile, it sounds like you'll want a few places to base yourselves in. A few in the US, and another in France. That kind of thing supports having high NW, so I perhaps understand your spouse's anxiety. Conversely, you are aging. If you are dreaming of going to France to hit the Alps and ski or hike, maybe now is the time. Don't delay! It is a trade off. Yet, a NW of 8-large along with that huge pension makes me believe you are ready, and you both need to continue talking.

Assuming this is about money on the spouse's part is a red herring. This isnt super early ER they are in their mid 50's, so they are completely funded,the OP's numbers didn't even include SS.

[Out-to-Lunch]

I can recommend this book by Sara Yogev: A Couple's Guide to Happy Retirement and Aging.

[Ian S]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Montecfo Aerides, Thanks for the info. So 2-1, that does support my view. And I believe the folks who post (which was my statement) skew even further male. I do agree that this drama is not providing any assistance to the OP. Consider me duly chastened for my unthinkable transgression.

Don't feel badly. I'm in a same sex (male) marriage and I had the same assumption as you!

[Ian S]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pacergal OP--many couples retire at different times, there is no rule that says you have to launch together. Finances are not the issue here. Deep, drilled down conversations are in order, either on your own or with a qualified therapist. If your spouse wants to continue to work, that is OK. If you want to retire, that should be OK too. Support each others feelings and choices. There is plenty to do in retirement while the other is working, if that is your choice.

+1

[Montecfo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ian S Don't feel badly. I'm in a same sex (male) marriage and I had the same assumption as you!

Thanks the the support Ian!

Nothing about the question or my answers had anything to do with gender.

[FI_by_2023]

Recommend Rick Ferri financial review (I think review cost $750)....high credibility and well known (show spouse books). He has a great perspective given the breadth of clients he has seen and years in industry. In your case, far more useful in talking through having enough than allocation tweaks on portfolio.

[oiseux]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JoeWras Here's the thing. Reading your profile, it sounds like you'll want a few places to base yourselves in. A few in the US, and another in France. That kind of thing supports having high NW, so I perhaps understand your spouse's anxiety. Conversely, you are aging. If you are dreaming of going to France to hit the Alps and ski or hike, maybe now is the time. Don't delay! It is a trade off. Yet, a NW of 8-large along with that huge pension makes me believe you are ready, and you both need to continue talking.

We'll likely keep two homes, but exchange one or both. The third has been used as a temptation, but we will see. The anxiety around purchases seems to be a sore point. The RE picture gives an opposite incentive to keep working. We've both lived in Europe for 1 to 2 years at a time, and did not deprive ourselves of "best when done young" travel and opportunity. But the world is large.


It seems that a staggered quitting date is not going to fly. I'm OK to ride this year out, since with the pandemic this limits some activities naturally. Thanks to the others for the additional suggestions, I will check the book and maybe try another FA/consultation. But it is not about money, but rather the emotion. That so much is clear.

[DrRoy]

You have investible assets over 70X your minimum spend level. I am currently at 37X and feel very flush. RE now!!

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by oiseux We'll likely keep two homes, but exchange one or both. The third has been used as a temptation, but we will see. The anxiety around purchases seems to be a sore point. The RE picture gives an opposite incentive to keep working. We've both lived in Europe for 1 to 2 years at a time, and did not deprive ourselves of "best when done young" travel and opportunity. But the world is large. It seems that a staggered quitting date is not going to fly. I'm OK to ride this year out, since with the pandemic this limits some activities naturally. Thanks to the others for the additional suggestions, I will check the book and maybe try another FA/consultation. But it is not about money, but rather the emotion. That so much is clear.

I wish you both good luck in getting to a mutual agreement. These things can come up and suddenly catch a couple by surprise. You and your spouse need to do some hard thinking. Personally I wouldn't bother with another money consult because that plays into the idea that's it about money and it's not about that.

If the book you mention is the retirement and aging book buy two copies and give one to your spouse.The book might generate some less rancorous discussions between the two of you. My still farming 72 YO DH gave me several dates and ages that he would retire on. He gave me those dates to quiet me down and he did not mean them. Yes, every date has passed and we still farm. Ties up a bunch of money and every single Spring and Fall. But I'm not angry about it anymore. Three years ago approaching 70 he had an emergency heart valve replacement that went horribly wrong. He missed planting that year and almost died. A long complicated recovery and rehab. He would sit on the porch and watch his brother run the planter. He was morose and told me, Well that's it, maybe I'm done farming. To my absolute surprise instead of saying about time, I said we don't know that let's see how you feel this fall.


I've made peace with the idea that he could no more quit farming then he could walk to the moon. It's who he is and he can't change that. Once I was accepting of the fact, we talked together and agreed he could farm indefinitely if we dropped our rented ground and just farm what we own. DH stood by that decision and his brother found a little side income we now are part time farmers but it wasn't easy or fast.

[Markola]

^^^^^^^. Good example about a farming avocation.

My most recent manager is 69 and manages a team of 30 or so. She keeps blowing through retirement deadlines that she sets with her husband, who is retired, 72, loves to travel and is hearing the life clock tick loudly. She, however, works days, nights and weekends and her accomplished career really defines her. Her work addiction is kind of becoming a relationship irritant. I don’t know which is sadder or more concerning, his unsatisfied global travel yearnings with her or her looming loss of identity when she finally quits. They’ve attempted a few global trips each year but they always have to return too soon for his taste and, when they go for weeks at a time each year it is always disruptive to momentum on her large team, which is a pain to everyone left at home..

One thing about FIREing is, it forces a person to dismantle the career persona get on to the next thing, whatever they choose that to be. I say, as an Internet stranger, the earlier the better. Rip the bandaid off, taking as much care for the relationship as possible, of course, while remaining true to one’s legitimate personal aspirations.

[Brat]

Regarding one spouse loves to travel, the other not. My mother enjoyed taking Road Scholar international trips, dad didn't. She took trips, he stayed home.

[Irishgirlyc58]

I’ve worked with people who actually said- I don’t want to retire and spend all that time with my spouse. And they were serious!
I’m not married so I don’t have that problem. [emoji12]